Letter to lost friends

Dear Friend 1 and Friend 2,

Thanks to both of you for making me feel like I am worth nothing. Friend 1 for turning your back on everything despite you saying multiple times you are here. Friend 2 for not even bothering to tell me why you left and just dropping me with no notice. 

I've reached out to you both, with no effort from either to do the same. Sure Friend 1, you've said many a time that you're here for me and want to maintain our friendship, but honestly I don't ever hear from you. I've talked to your mom more than you. Friend 2, you straight up lied and had your sister tell me you're just busy with work but you'll get in contact soon. Why have you both just walked away? I at least have afforded you both the respect of knowing how upset I've been, how hurt in the past and what? I'm not worth the same to you?

Honestly I'm more hurt by friend 2 than friend 1. Unless it has something to do with the other, than I'm even more hurt and furious. Both of you have had me there through times that you needed someone. I bent over backwards to make sure I was there to support and when I need it, neither of you are there. Do you know how badly I wish I could just call or text or message either of you and know that I'll get a heartfelt response? I feel alone at times and I've had to make myself open up to others. You both know how difficult that is for me, how hard it is.

My heart is aching as I type this, knowing neither of you will see this or even care enough to react if you do. I just want my family back.

What's wrong with me?

I've been struggling, and badly with depression...again.
*sigh*
The worst part is that its affecting my life during one of the happiest moments. I have a wedding to plan and a loving fiance who is trying to be here for me, but I don't know how to let him. I've been falling into old habits of overeating, sleeping all day, and just being ultra emotional among other things. I also have been getting sick more.
I don't know what's wrong or why this is happening but I want it to stop before it gets worse. I know i'm not alone, but I constantly feel like I am and its so hard to say that to the people who are constantly with me. When I am at my apartment alone (rarely) I just sit and stare with no will to do anything. Ironically I can't sleep so here I am blogging.

Who knows if anyone even reads this? I just need somewhere to get this all out you know?
I miss Barbara. I feel lost sometimes still without her there. Who knew that this would happen? Marriage changes everything doesn't it? I hope I don't lose myself in all of this. I just wish we were married already. I'm sick of.planning and thinking about it. I would rather just be with Jonathan and thats that. No big shebang to countdown to. Just him and myself in marital bliss forever. I don't feel alone when he is there. I don't have to try to be happy, I just am when he is around. I worry when he isn't. He helps me to focus and he makes me get up and do things even when I would rather just sleep.

I need help. I also need a nap...until July 20. Than I can wake up refreshed and ready for the wedding. :)

If anyone is reading this and feels like I am overlooking their presence in my life, do not fear. I am aware I am not alone. I have been incredibly blessed when it comes to my true friends and family. There are so many people who love me and are willing to be here for me, and recognize that and am thankful for it. I just struggle most of the time to accept it and to fully comprehend it.

I love you, whoever is reading this, know that I care amd without your love and support I would truly be lost.