Doing What I Can

It's hard. This living thing is hard. Most days I just want to lay in bed all day and not do anything. The effort it takes to constantly breathe sometimes is just simply too much. It always seems though that as soon as my thinking turns darker than is manageable, my husband finds a way to shine light into the darkness of my mind.

I was looking at photos of myself over the years. Those times when I hadn't a clue in the world what I was worth. I thought I was ugly and not worth being loved. That I was broken, damaged beyond repair. I grew up fast, and I grew old beyond my physical years. I have been tired and weary for so long; my personal demons weighing and breaking me down further and further.

All of that changed when I met Jonathan. I had never felt so compelled towards another as I did him. I was taken in by his honesty and how willing he was to share his own demons with me. I had just wanted a friend, someone to talk to and hangout with since our friends got married. I ended up with so much more.

Sometimes my husband takes both my demons and his upon his back, just so I can breathe and find my strength again. Other times (not as often as I would like) he lets me shoulder his load for awhile. We're working together to help each other live. He makes me want to live, he makes me want to see what the future has and without having to plan everything out right now! He inspires me to dream and hope for things I haven't in a long while, and he listens with a calm and loving patience.

We are by no means perfect, we're as damaged as they get, but we were made for each other in a way I don't expect many to understand. We only dated for a little over a month before we got engaged, but everyday he proves to me that Heavenly Father led us to each other right when we needed it.

I don't know how this turned into a post about my awesome husband, but hey it's what needed to come out apparently. So if anyone is reading this, don't be afraid to get up and live, find someone or something worth living for. I'm learning to live for myself through my husband's help, but we all have the ability to love ourselves no matter how hard life may seem.

Don't worry lovelies, it gets better.

How far we come.

Looking back on older blog posts I have realized just how far I have come from who I was in 2009 when I started this blog. Yes I am still the sappy love sick woman I always have been, but slowly I've written about more than just my struggles with love. I want to tell cb people that if they want to really know me they should read things I've posted, but than I know I'll end up censoring posts/ be embarrassed by things I wrote about years ago.

I guess it's the same for every blogger out there though, we all post things we look back on in embarrassment. Heck, I read all of them tonight and just barely realized how personal I get in them. This has become a personally public diary of sorts for me over the years and I look back and see who I was and with some of my posts all I can do is shake my head in regret.
Don't mistake what I'm saying, I do not regret my life experiences. Very little in my life is worth changing. Most of my regrets are from this past year or so, but the younger me has to stay the same. I went through a lot to get to where I am and where I am is a pretty rocking place y'know?

So yes I've had many (slightly obsessive) "loves" and posted a great deal about it, but if you look close enough you'll see the struggles of a young woman looking for her own special person and place in this world. I've delved a lot over the years into my depression and struggles with my self-esteem and body image. I've shared loss of loved ones and joys of others and personal anecdotes of day to day adventures.

This blog is my life. It's a little piece of me thrown out there onto the internet. I'm not perfect and neither is this blog, but it's me and that's what makes it so great. I don't pretend to be normal and I never will. So I hope you enjoy it, I hope you read it, and I hope that in some way it changes you and gives you a new perspective of your world through someone else's experiences.

Another year down

So my birthday was a couple weeks ago and I found myself where I normally am around that thine of year. I get so super reflective that it's almost depressing. This year was a bit different in that I have the hubby with me and my life is so completely different than I thought it would be, and it is different in all the right ways.

This last year I managed (in no particular order)to lose and regain my two best friends, I got married, changed jobs, moved out on my own (no roommates til the hubs), actually lost weight, cut my hair, learned to accept the help of others, learned to somewhat be okay with myself, Read the whole Book of Mormon, made homemade bread, cooked in general, saw my brother Zachary for the first time in forever, and so much more.

A year ago on my birthday I was a couple weeks away from having my best friend get married, I was thinking I was going to be alone forever after finding out I had kissed another frog, I hated my job, felt trapped at home, and was depressed in general. I wanted to go on a mission or move or do something, but Heavenly Father kept telling me to wait. A few weeks later Jonathan and I started talking and the rest is history.

I've come so far in a year and I know that this next one is going to be just as brilliant. I didn't do much for my bday as far as celebrating goes. I had requested the day off so it was nice to just relax at home. Jonathan got me the FireFly series and a HUGE rice krispy treat (and I mean huge)and than we went and had dinner...I forget where though haha I think inside scoop. My memory is so shoddy.

Anyways it was another quite birthday after another hectic year. Here's to this next one and hopefully it's as crazy wonderful as the last!