Well as you all know now...I have depression, but I consider it a more active depression rather than the stereotype of someone who wears a hoodie all the time (I actually do but it is NOT because of the depression!) and lounges around sighing, looking very put out. Some people don't understand that depression is actually something that is not easily gotten rid of, like the common cold for instance, this is more like cancer. It takes over your body and slowly kills you (yes people have died from depression mainly in the form of suicide). While most people do suffer bouts of depression in their lives, some elect few are priviliged to have that chemical imbalance in their brain that stays with them and at times it really pumps up the happy feelings and thoughts running through that lucky person's body...NOT!!!!
You wanna know why I can be so spastic and crazy sometimes? (Okay I give...most of the time!) I literally am imbalanced and it makes me practically bipolar. I have anxiety attacks and nervous breakdowns, I don't like being alone, but I can't stand being around too many people either. Hugging most people just isn't done; if I hug you, you know you are special or I jsut really am digging you at the moment or whatever absurd reason I can think of. It means I wake up planning ways to brighten other's lives because I get satisfaction out of making others not feel how I do...hence my comic genius.
Depression means that I have to be careful of what music I listen to, the beat and the words because it will affect me like nothing else. Movies get to me as well, which sucks because some of the best movies are dramas, I don't like watching violence either. Depression means that I form strong bonds to certain people, but I tend to be reclusive and indeed very anti-social. I overeat ( I wasn't lucky enough to get the form of depression that makes me not seek comfort from food) and it takes a lot of strength to just get up most morning. I sleep a lot due to my depression and I try not to let myself, but seeing as I am making a movement for human hibernation I think sleep has won that battle.
The world has a darker and more sarcastic view, I do not trust easily and I escape into books and day dreams every possible chance. Depression is a major part of who I am despite how much I abhor having to admit it. So if at times I seem particularly snarky or (hopefully never) downright mean I apologize. I have my good days and at times my bad days (guess which one I prefer sharing with you all...) The beast within can be a whole lot stronger than I am at times, but know that I am always there under the surface when it takes over.
Depression to me means having to be stronger than the normal human being because being of average strength means eventually caving under and never resurfacing. It means wondering if every friendship or relationship is real and trying not to give in to self doubt or worry. It means having to let go of a lot of things and not forming too many attachments because if something or someone gets close the letting go is 20 times harder. I tend to ignore how I am feeling or I don't share it and than at random times it just explodes out of me and often gets out of control. I have anxiety problems and I cry at the most random moments. I cry for a bit than stop and than start and it continues like that until eventually it just comes pouring out of me. For most people crying helps relieve some of the pain, but for me it just makes it worse. I start crying BECAUSE I am crying.
This is an everyday struggle. It isn't something I can just "suck up" and move on from. Doing that actually hurts me more than helps me.
People don't really understand what depression (Clinical Depression) is like for those diagnosed with it. If I can in some way bring a voice and a perspective to it than I will do so. My only hope is that people can gain knowledge of it and maybe not feel so alone anymore.
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