Wishing

Watch "Wishes - Superchic[k] Lyrics" on YouTube

Idk if it is just period talk right now (i unfortunately have been cursed.recently) but Superchic[k] totally is describing how I am feeling about some things...or a person. Either way this song is perfection.

Everyone's Cheerleader

So you know that person that everyone seems to go to when they need a "pick me up"? If you don't than you just might be that person. I am one of those people...which is fine really. I wouldn't be interested in becoming a psychologist if I didn't like hearing people go on and on about their problems. I LIKE giving advice.

My "problem" is that I seem to always give dating advice to guys, just to have them use it towards someone else. It rather stinks when said guy knows I happen to be interested in him. *sigh* I am such a doormat. At the activity tonight (swimming at Bro. Carson's) we were discussing who cooks and cleans in various relationships. Aaron will cook for Barbara if she cleans the dishes and a few other people had that arrangement. I realized that if I cooked Robert food, I cleaned the dishes too, and he cooked a few times too, but I always tried to help out. I just started laughing and was like "Well I guess I lucked out with that one!" and everyone else joined in with the laughing as I quietly died inside. I don't know why, but I just kind of feel like all I am good for is providing laughs for everyone I know. I mean all these people can come up with to describe me is "awesome"...what? You can't possibly have any other adjectives to describe me? I mean "awesome" gets so thrown around these days it almost means nothing anymore! BAH!

I've been realizing lately I am just kind of a bit of a mouse. I can talk and sass and all that jazz, but in reality I am this scared little girl afraid of disturbing the lives of those around me by doing what I really want to do. Instead I sit quietly and just smile and pretend all is well when I would rather just burst out and vent my frustrations with the people frustrating me. I just want to rant and rave and beat people all the time, but I know that socially and legally it is unacceptable. I am so angry just all the time and the rest of the time I am too tired to care anymore. My blog is probably about the only place where I don't hold anything back...that and the empty house when I am home alone. I just start rambling to no one, letting it all out. I should get some help probably or just listen to my music more. That's about the only time I don't even think. I just listen and drift away, melt into the melodies and harmonies of various genres and artists and for that short while no bothers are given.

Tis Paradise.

On that note I am looking for a new job. I am trying to find one that will get me one foot in the door so to speak in the psychological world. One I am currently hoping I get is a Basic Skills Trainer (ABA) and it is in Vegas, but they pay is good and it helps me utilize the skills I am learning at school. I even applied to help tutor a 5 year old with Autism. I don't know for sure yet about that job, but I will be learning more about it. I am trying to create progress in my life, to branch out and take chances. It is a relatively big step for me that is a bit frightening. I am doing something I want to do and I am trying hard to not think about what other's will think....of course I asked my mom's opinion on the job, but hey sometimes a girl needs her mommy and lately I haven't trusted my own thinking so I needed to make sure it was a rational though. My mom is good at saying whether it is or not.

So there :P

What did I ever do?

I have a dilemma people. One that I do not like having and one that I am absolutely and positively sure that I shouldn't even have in the first place. It is complicated and confusing to explain, but to put it simply.

...I have people who hate me.

*le gasp* Say it isn't so! I wish I could say the opposite friends, but unfortunately I can not. For reasons I will never truly understand I have at least three people on this planet who have hated me for quite sometime, possibly for as long as they have known me....which is basically almost my whole life. Some of you may know who I am talking about and for those who don't let me fill you in.

My parents divorced when I was almost two...they both remarried before than, but hey l'amour is l'amour. The mother unit is still happily married to her second and he is one awesome dude if you don't mind me saying....but the father unit...well...he is on his third marriage. But we aren't discussing wife number three tonight. No, we are going down the road to the past, all the way to wife number two....the woman who played "mom" for most of my childhood, and her two daughters who up until I moved into my mom's house were my sisters. Of course I never really got along with one of them, but she is pretty much a villian so not that much of a loss there.

There are many many MANY fond memories of my childhood that include the above mentioned haters. I mean, through every storm there is the eventual ray of sunshine right? They were FAMILY to me....but for some reason that I have never been able to understand, it just wasn't the same for them. I honestly have come to  believe that Zabrina never loved me as her own, never saw me as a child or something to love. All that woman ever did was emotionally terrorize me to the point where I still struggle with the effects of it today. I am not scared of her as I once was, I have seen her (from a few feet) since the divorce and I didn't feel anything other than pity for her. I have long ago stopped hating her for the years of abuse and have forgiven her for it. What plagues me is the "why" of it all. I never did anything to her, but for years I was always held responsible for any and all marital problems they had. I bear emotional and physical scars from that time and for reasons that I fear I will never know or understand.

The worst part of it all is that I have a brother that is a total stranger to me. I have made attempts to reach out to him, his sisters, and even his mother, just to be ignored or turned down. I even at one time had Zabrina straight up lie to my father saying I was threatening her and threatening his career and all this baloney. Yeah he called me all angry until I printed the e-mail I had sent and showed it to him. Who in their mother flipping right mind would do that?! This is the logic of the woman who "raised" me people.

I don't understand what I did or how I managed to earn her hate on such a level. I was barely two when we met. Perhaps she saw something she didn't like, I don't know, but what I do know is this. I will never give up, I will never back down, I will never let her win. My brother may be out of reach right now and under her influence, but I will always be here waiting and hoping that one day he will be willing to get to know me again.

A trap most foul...

Scene:The front entry way of my house. Late evening, with a slight breeze in the air. A lone figure trudges up the walkway, purse in hand, after a closing shift at work. Little does our heroine know there is foulplay afoot.

ACTION!

Walking up to the door after getting home from work I happened to notice a thin line floating prettily in the air, reflecting the blue lights on our porch. My body instantly springs into a defensive ninja pose as the horror of what that strand is dawns on me. SPIDER WEB!
*le gasp*
My arms flail wildly as I look around panicked, searching for a sign of it's creator. Stealthily I peer upwards, my eyes filling with terror at the sight of the massive web mere inches from my head. I knew it could only have been the work of either one very large arachnid specimen or a whole army of tiny ones (we all know the larger ones are rogues). Either way I saw the situation for what it truly was.

A trap.

My archnemesis, the arachnid, knew I would be coming home late and would be tired. The trap was set, but the prey was not as easily caught! I am hispanic and russian(on my father's side) mixed with german and pacific islander (good ole mum), a long line of people who know how to limbo...
Side note: I am well aware that the Limbo originates is Jamaica or somewhere carribean. I digress.

Swiftly, as to not even touch the web, I limboed my way under the foul trap and hastily reached for the door only to find it locked! "What in the blazes?" I think in my head as I try to remember the last time my parents had ever locked the door. All of a sudden it hit me like a scorned woman. THEY WERE IN ON IT!!! I stood momentarily frozen pondering the ever growing web of lies, drowning in a pool of deceit. When all hope seemed lost a lightbulb of "Eureka" illuminated my mind and my next move was clear. Still in limbo position I reached into my purse, fumbling and suddenly...

Hark! What is this? A key?

Quicker than I have ever moved before I unceremoniously shoved the key into the lock and after what seemed an eternity the door opened, releasing me from my predicament and into another as I had alerted the ever faithful, yet annoying Auzzie Pawzzie...a dog as frightening as his name. With a quick "¡Callate!" I sent him back to his sleeping spot and I threw the treats I had brought my family onto the counter, wondering if there were any more traps set for me.

I slowly trudged upstairs and upon entering my room I felt my body relax and the anxiety from before slip away.

That my friends is how I effectively avoided certain death. Goodnight.