So you know that person that everyone seems to go to when they need a "pick me up"? If you don't than you just might be that person. I am one of those people...which is fine really. I wouldn't be interested in becoming a psychologist if I didn't like hearing people go on and on about their problems. I LIKE giving advice.
My "problem" is that I seem to always give dating advice to guys, just to have them use it towards someone else. It rather stinks when said guy knows I happen to be interested in him. *sigh* I am such a doormat. At the activity tonight (swimming at Bro. Carson's) we were discussing who cooks and cleans in various relationships. Aaron will cook for Barbara if she cleans the dishes and a few other people had that arrangement. I realized that if I cooked Robert food, I cleaned the dishes too, and he cooked a few times too, but I always tried to help out. I just started laughing and was like "Well I guess I lucked out with that one!" and everyone else joined in with the laughing as I quietly died inside. I don't know why, but I just kind of feel like all I am good for is providing laughs for everyone I know. I mean all these people can come up with to describe me is "awesome"...what? You can't possibly have any other adjectives to describe me? I mean "awesome" gets so thrown around these days it almost means nothing anymore! BAH!
I've been realizing lately I am just kind of a bit of a mouse. I can talk and sass and all that jazz, but in reality I am this scared little girl afraid of disturbing the lives of those around me by doing what I really want to do. Instead I sit quietly and just smile and pretend all is well when I would rather just burst out and vent my frustrations with the people frustrating me. I just want to rant and rave and beat people all the time, but I know that socially and legally it is unacceptable. I am so angry just all the time and the rest of the time I am too tired to care anymore. My blog is probably about the only place where I don't hold anything back...that and the empty house when I am home alone. I just start rambling to no one, letting it all out. I should get some help probably or just listen to my music more. That's about the only time I don't even think. I just listen and drift away, melt into the melodies and harmonies of various genres and artists and for that short while no bothers are given.
Tis Paradise.
On that note I am looking for a new job. I am trying to find one that will get me one foot in the door so to speak in the psychological world. One I am currently hoping I get is a Basic Skills Trainer (ABA) and it is in Vegas, but they pay is good and it helps me utilize the skills I am learning at school. I even applied to help tutor a 5 year old with Autism. I don't know for sure yet about that job, but I will be learning more about it. I am trying to create progress in my life, to branch out and take chances. It is a relatively big step for me that is a bit frightening. I am doing something I want to do and I am trying hard to not think about what other's will think....of course I asked my mom's opinion on the job, but hey sometimes a girl needs her mommy and lately I haven't trusted my own thinking so I needed to make sure it was a rational though. My mom is good at saying whether it is or not.
So there :P
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