So very tired

I seriously have my fingers and toes crossed for something to change soon with me. I got reemed at work and since apparently I am an awful worker I have one more chance otherwise they'll have to let me go. Yeah out of the three years I have been there all of a sudden I've left them with no other option because I just am so below standard....

I call bologna.

Trust me. I've asked my coworkers and they have been reassuring me that I am in fact, not a screw up. A line has been crossed though and its done nothing to help with my stress, anxiety, and depression. I've been trying SO hard to be who they expect me to be and it just seems like I'm getting nowhere. Corporate is coming in later today and I stayed two hours over my shift to clean the store from top to bottom. Would have been out by 12 but one of my crew members loathes dishes and was taking his sweet time. I did my job and his tonight.

The place looks spotless and I can only think of two things I didn't stock. If I get hollered at for anything tomorrow I swear its going to take all I have not to just walk out. I'm even wearing my icky work issued pants and getting there a few minutes early. I'm prepared though for the worst, but hopefully it is a good day.

I give my all to my job and I have been feeling lately like its a dead end for me. I'm trying to not let it be that way, but its getting worse and worse. We'll see how it goes and than maybe I'll have something to report back on.

As for everything else in my life...its alright. Went to my first concert last friday for the Dropkick Murphys....totally amazing. Definitely loved hearing them live, but could have done without the painful feet and moshing. Poor Jonathan acted as a wall for me to protect me from the mosh pit people. The next day we went to the Highland games and I got to see him in a kilt! Aaw man there is something so attractive about that. Seriously. Hottness....we got our engagements and I promptly put them up on facebook! Lol what else did you expect? They turned out awesomely and I can't wait to make our centerpieces with them!

Wedding plans are going good except we have to.kick it into overdrive with the getting stuff done now that we're down to just under three months! Yeah I know...thats coming up so fast! Aaaaah!!!! In big news though I am down to 222 lbs from 228!!! Woop woop! Losing weight...hopefully I'll be under 200 for the wedding!

Sometimes

I have this tendency to go into this autopilot mode, where I pretty much just go about life without really having any control over what I do. Especially if I am stressed out/ overloaded this switch just flips and boom autopilot on. Normally thats fine, but it actually made me mess up at work and now I sit here at home stressing about the new butthole I may get ripped tomorrow.

We get "mystery shopped" each month and we are graded on it. This month I caught when it was happenning and we knew to expect the results. Well....we bombed it. Hard. And all because I didn't make eye contact when I said thank you, I was mechanical in my orser taking, and had to take the order and hand it out so the service time was slow. Naturally Drive thru aced it, but lil ole me on front counter apparently is a failure. The sad thing is that I did my job, I just wasn't peppy enough and was focused on getting the customers (yeah the plural amount of them) taken care of so the guy docked me pointa for not spending longer on him.

*sigh*

This is doing nothing for my work stress. I'm trying so hard to make sure i'm doing a good job and not being emotional or overly stressed and now I'm literally being told I'm too...robotic and mechanical in my working. The one day I'm not myself and we get the mystery shopper. Hopefully the almost $300 hour with 4 people working will be in my favor, otherwise I'm pretty much screwed.

Whoever thinks fast food isn't a high stress job can kiss my butt. There's a lot more to it than just "flipping burgers" and people don't seem to realize that we have high standards of service placed upon us. I have NIGHTMARES about work a lot more than I am willing to admit. I know something has to change soon or I am going to break.

The automatic autopilot when I show up there has been an indicator to me for awhile, I just didn't realize that it was noticeable until now.

Lesson for the day: We are all seen through by someone, even when we think we aren't.

Update Central!

Dusting off the ole blog here and posting updates!!! Now that Walking Dead is over I have plenty of time in which I can blog

......maybe?

Planning a wedding is pretty hard work, especially when you have people pressuring you in the andale-ing of said plans. Just over three months to go though so things are picking up steam with that. Got it planned, we just have to execute said plans!!! Let's just say I am so glad that this is MY wedding that I'm planning and not someone else's. Been there and done that.

So for the most interesting update I want to share I bought gear for rappeling. That's right. Lil Miss TERRIFIED of heights is going to shimmy on down from the top in style. I bought me a harness, helmet, rope, and some other rappel type stuffs that I am far too lazy to list out. Naturally I sought out the green stuff, but my rope and rope bag are yellow and orangey. Jonathan keeps saying I copied him, but we all know of my love affair with green. Oh the things I would do with that color. *shiver*

Ahem...moving on... We got out engagements taken by his sister in law and they turned out pretty well. The invitations are pretty spiffy looking so thats a good thing. Jonathan seriously is a life saver during all this. I don't know if I will ever be able to properly convey to him just how much of a stress killer he can be.

No really, this guy drove me to his house to get ny car (we left it there earlier) and than drove back to the apartment with me in my car and rode his bike home just because I got scared after watching "The Possesion"...yeah he pretty much helped me from panicking. My anxiety levels were pretty high and by him being him, he helped me feel safe. He does that a lot for me.

Ooh also I'm losing weight! I gained a lot, but I'm down a few pounds already and am on track to lose more. It's so much easier when you have a reliable diet buddy! We tried Almased. I actually don't mind it, but he says it tastes like caca. If it was cheaper I would buy a lot and going the full diet plan since it was working decently so far. I'm going to be more vigilant though in walking to work or riding my bike. I know that'll help me even more so why not right?

Funny story. We watched "The Cabin in the Woods" and after the credits had some thingy about being made in Canada and at the same time we both said "Freaking Canadians" which of course cracked us the hell up. I mean you just can't plan that!

I'm doing better with my depression comoared to my last post. I had a lot of stress from work and wedding stuff and the whole losing a friend fiasco and it was really dragging me down. I had to just try and refocus on other things. I still fail at times, but i'm doing better.
We've been slacking on reading the scriptures and praying, but I know we're going to be restarting that again. I'm getting so excited to be preparing to enter the temple and progressing towards eternity with Jonathan.

I may not have a glorious life by some people's standards, but I am happy and that's all I ask for.

I have more I can post, but I want to try and organize my thoughts better. So until next time loverlies!

Nadia Out!