The blessing of love and life

"It happens to everyone love, its part of life"

I had a bad day today. A bad day for me means that no matter how hard I try I can not get the will power to rise out of bed let alone actually participate in life. It hurts to do anything and interactions are a chore and I usually end up being terse....anyways this isn't about that. It's about the first sentence of this post. After everything I went through today and with how I've felt I realized that my loving fiance has been there patiently dealing with my roller coaster of emotions today. I've been apologizing and finally he told me that.

Thats what it is all about isn't it? Life, going through the parts of it until we can go no more and are called home. Sometimes it seems like we get burdened beyond what we can stand only to have more and more piled on. But in moments of that utter despair a peace can come and break through that. A moment where we don't feel as alone anymore.

I've gone through some losses this year and falling outs with people I've loved and still love deeply. Despite what I know and what I have been told, the blows keep coming and the hurt they are causing just continues to grow. On top of that my health has been crap and its just piling up....even though at times I want to quit I have this voice telling me to keep going, that its just a part of life, that I have just a while longer until it gets better. Thankfully that voice is a part of the most amazing man :)

This life is such a precious gift. One we can't ignore or take for granted. At the end of the day our heats, minds, bodies, and souls may feel worn out and tired, ready to be done. Its the fact that we are able to wake up the next day that should spur us to keep moving. The fact we were given the opportunity to make each new day better than the last.

That is the real blessing of this life. If you are to get anything out of thisbpost I hope it is that.

48 Days Left

Yep, we're down to the wire here on this whole wedding thing. So far we have all these ideas and concepts, but nothing really concrete...except for outfits and hair.

This whole wedding planning thing is more fun when its someone elses wedding haha. I love doing my own, I just get stressed at times with it all. Thankfully Jonathan's parents have been there to really help out. My family too. Without them all I don't know what I would do.

Joann and I even are talking about starting a business after the wedding, one inspired about something we're constructing to have there! We're pretty pumped and I really think it'll help out financially to do it. Its something that isn't really out there right now so we'd have something unique to offer!! I really hope we can get it up and running. We me having my job part time right now and him not working, money is really tight. Extra income would be a huge blessing.

Its a big part of why I've been so stressed. I don't know what to do about money. My checks barely sustain me right now and with another person its going to be even harder! Of course we will get by, but we can't just live off of what I make right now. I don't know how to talk to anyone about it...I'm kind of embarassed. I want to ask my dad to help out some more with the wedding, but I don't know how to ask. I hate asking for monetary help. I've never been comfortable with it, but I need it right now.

My rent is cheap, well it could be worse, but I'm barely going to scrape enough together this month to pay it. It's going to be a day late at that! I've never paid it late...ever! I've been holding it together and notbsaying anything, but its eating me up inside. Destroying me slowly because I feel like this huge failure. I can barely support myself as it is and I'm getting married in just under two months.

Something good though is that I've lost 12 lbs since I quit working at McDonalds....sadly though I get ill if I eat fast food now so no yummy yums for me. *sigh* Its a good thing though  the weight keeps coming off and with excercise being added even more will drop off!

Well i'm off to bed now. Work in the morning. I just had to get all that off my chest before I exploded!

So very tired

I seriously have my fingers and toes crossed for something to change soon with me. I got reemed at work and since apparently I am an awful worker I have one more chance otherwise they'll have to let me go. Yeah out of the three years I have been there all of a sudden I've left them with no other option because I just am so below standard....

I call bologna.

Trust me. I've asked my coworkers and they have been reassuring me that I am in fact, not a screw up. A line has been crossed though and its done nothing to help with my stress, anxiety, and depression. I've been trying SO hard to be who they expect me to be and it just seems like I'm getting nowhere. Corporate is coming in later today and I stayed two hours over my shift to clean the store from top to bottom. Would have been out by 12 but one of my crew members loathes dishes and was taking his sweet time. I did my job and his tonight.

The place looks spotless and I can only think of two things I didn't stock. If I get hollered at for anything tomorrow I swear its going to take all I have not to just walk out. I'm even wearing my icky work issued pants and getting there a few minutes early. I'm prepared though for the worst, but hopefully it is a good day.

I give my all to my job and I have been feeling lately like its a dead end for me. I'm trying to not let it be that way, but its getting worse and worse. We'll see how it goes and than maybe I'll have something to report back on.

As for everything else in my life...its alright. Went to my first concert last friday for the Dropkick Murphys....totally amazing. Definitely loved hearing them live, but could have done without the painful feet and moshing. Poor Jonathan acted as a wall for me to protect me from the mosh pit people. The next day we went to the Highland games and I got to see him in a kilt! Aaw man there is something so attractive about that. Seriously. Hottness....we got our engagements and I promptly put them up on facebook! Lol what else did you expect? They turned out awesomely and I can't wait to make our centerpieces with them!

Wedding plans are going good except we have to.kick it into overdrive with the getting stuff done now that we're down to just under three months! Yeah I know...thats coming up so fast! Aaaaah!!!! In big news though I am down to 222 lbs from 228!!! Woop woop! Losing weight...hopefully I'll be under 200 for the wedding!

Sometimes

I have this tendency to go into this autopilot mode, where I pretty much just go about life without really having any control over what I do. Especially if I am stressed out/ overloaded this switch just flips and boom autopilot on. Normally thats fine, but it actually made me mess up at work and now I sit here at home stressing about the new butthole I may get ripped tomorrow.

We get "mystery shopped" each month and we are graded on it. This month I caught when it was happenning and we knew to expect the results. Well....we bombed it. Hard. And all because I didn't make eye contact when I said thank you, I was mechanical in my orser taking, and had to take the order and hand it out so the service time was slow. Naturally Drive thru aced it, but lil ole me on front counter apparently is a failure. The sad thing is that I did my job, I just wasn't peppy enough and was focused on getting the customers (yeah the plural amount of them) taken care of so the guy docked me pointa for not spending longer on him.

*sigh*

This is doing nothing for my work stress. I'm trying so hard to make sure i'm doing a good job and not being emotional or overly stressed and now I'm literally being told I'm too...robotic and mechanical in my working. The one day I'm not myself and we get the mystery shopper. Hopefully the almost $300 hour with 4 people working will be in my favor, otherwise I'm pretty much screwed.

Whoever thinks fast food isn't a high stress job can kiss my butt. There's a lot more to it than just "flipping burgers" and people don't seem to realize that we have high standards of service placed upon us. I have NIGHTMARES about work a lot more than I am willing to admit. I know something has to change soon or I am going to break.

The automatic autopilot when I show up there has been an indicator to me for awhile, I just didn't realize that it was noticeable until now.

Lesson for the day: We are all seen through by someone, even when we think we aren't.

Update Central!

Dusting off the ole blog here and posting updates!!! Now that Walking Dead is over I have plenty of time in which I can blog

......maybe?

Planning a wedding is pretty hard work, especially when you have people pressuring you in the andale-ing of said plans. Just over three months to go though so things are picking up steam with that. Got it planned, we just have to execute said plans!!! Let's just say I am so glad that this is MY wedding that I'm planning and not someone else's. Been there and done that.

So for the most interesting update I want to share I bought gear for rappeling. That's right. Lil Miss TERRIFIED of heights is going to shimmy on down from the top in style. I bought me a harness, helmet, rope, and some other rappel type stuffs that I am far too lazy to list out. Naturally I sought out the green stuff, but my rope and rope bag are yellow and orangey. Jonathan keeps saying I copied him, but we all know of my love affair with green. Oh the things I would do with that color. *shiver*

Ahem...moving on... We got out engagements taken by his sister in law and they turned out pretty well. The invitations are pretty spiffy looking so thats a good thing. Jonathan seriously is a life saver during all this. I don't know if I will ever be able to properly convey to him just how much of a stress killer he can be.

No really, this guy drove me to his house to get ny car (we left it there earlier) and than drove back to the apartment with me in my car and rode his bike home just because I got scared after watching "The Possesion"...yeah he pretty much helped me from panicking. My anxiety levels were pretty high and by him being him, he helped me feel safe. He does that a lot for me.

Ooh also I'm losing weight! I gained a lot, but I'm down a few pounds already and am on track to lose more. It's so much easier when you have a reliable diet buddy! We tried Almased. I actually don't mind it, but he says it tastes like caca. If it was cheaper I would buy a lot and going the full diet plan since it was working decently so far. I'm going to be more vigilant though in walking to work or riding my bike. I know that'll help me even more so why not right?

Funny story. We watched "The Cabin in the Woods" and after the credits had some thingy about being made in Canada and at the same time we both said "Freaking Canadians" which of course cracked us the hell up. I mean you just can't plan that!

I'm doing better with my depression comoared to my last post. I had a lot of stress from work and wedding stuff and the whole losing a friend fiasco and it was really dragging me down. I had to just try and refocus on other things. I still fail at times, but i'm doing better.
We've been slacking on reading the scriptures and praying, but I know we're going to be restarting that again. I'm getting so excited to be preparing to enter the temple and progressing towards eternity with Jonathan.

I may not have a glorious life by some people's standards, but I am happy and that's all I ask for.

I have more I can post, but I want to try and organize my thoughts better. So until next time loverlies!

Nadia Out!

Letter to lost friends

Dear Friend 1 and Friend 2,

Thanks to both of you for making me feel like I am worth nothing. Friend 1 for turning your back on everything despite you saying multiple times you are here. Friend 2 for not even bothering to tell me why you left and just dropping me with no notice. 

I've reached out to you both, with no effort from either to do the same. Sure Friend 1, you've said many a time that you're here for me and want to maintain our friendship, but honestly I don't ever hear from you. I've talked to your mom more than you. Friend 2, you straight up lied and had your sister tell me you're just busy with work but you'll get in contact soon. Why have you both just walked away? I at least have afforded you both the respect of knowing how upset I've been, how hurt in the past and what? I'm not worth the same to you?

Honestly I'm more hurt by friend 2 than friend 1. Unless it has something to do with the other, than I'm even more hurt and furious. Both of you have had me there through times that you needed someone. I bent over backwards to make sure I was there to support and when I need it, neither of you are there. Do you know how badly I wish I could just call or text or message either of you and know that I'll get a heartfelt response? I feel alone at times and I've had to make myself open up to others. You both know how difficult that is for me, how hard it is.

My heart is aching as I type this, knowing neither of you will see this or even care enough to react if you do. I just want my family back.

What's wrong with me?

I've been struggling, and badly with depression...again.
*sigh*
The worst part is that its affecting my life during one of the happiest moments. I have a wedding to plan and a loving fiance who is trying to be here for me, but I don't know how to let him. I've been falling into old habits of overeating, sleeping all day, and just being ultra emotional among other things. I also have been getting sick more.
I don't know what's wrong or why this is happening but I want it to stop before it gets worse. I know i'm not alone, but I constantly feel like I am and its so hard to say that to the people who are constantly with me. When I am at my apartment alone (rarely) I just sit and stare with no will to do anything. Ironically I can't sleep so here I am blogging.

Who knows if anyone even reads this? I just need somewhere to get this all out you know?
I miss Barbara. I feel lost sometimes still without her there. Who knew that this would happen? Marriage changes everything doesn't it? I hope I don't lose myself in all of this. I just wish we were married already. I'm sick of.planning and thinking about it. I would rather just be with Jonathan and thats that. No big shebang to countdown to. Just him and myself in marital bliss forever. I don't feel alone when he is there. I don't have to try to be happy, I just am when he is around. I worry when he isn't. He helps me to focus and he makes me get up and do things even when I would rather just sleep.

I need help. I also need a nap...until July 20. Than I can wake up refreshed and ready for the wedding. :)

If anyone is reading this and feels like I am overlooking their presence in my life, do not fear. I am aware I am not alone. I have been incredibly blessed when it comes to my true friends and family. There are so many people who love me and are willing to be here for me, and recognize that and am thankful for it. I just struggle most of the time to accept it and to fully comprehend it.

I love you, whoever is reading this, know that I care amd without your love and support I would truly be lost.