A whole new ME

Well people it has come to that point in my life were I am making changes...big ones too.

The first major change is that I am changing how and what I eat. Oh yes indeedy I most certainly am. I will be cutitng back on meats and eating more veggies and fruits and what not. Mainly I will have a vegetarian-esque lifestyle from now on. Why would I break up my relationship with meat you ask? Well it isn't just meat who is getting the boot. I am also kicking out my dear sweet friends, like junk food, chips, candies, and *sniff* soda. Okay so you all know I am probably going to fail at times and gorge on chips and overdose on soda, BUT for the most part I will be maintaining a strict diet. Not only am I doing it to get healthier, I am doing it because it is proven that a healthy diet helps with depression. I also just want to cut out the unhealthy crap I keep loading my body up with. If anyone gives me any crap about my change well I will have to think of some things to say to them, but whatever I am doing this for me and not for them!

The second major change is that I am working out more. Yes it is painful, and yes I am sore all over, but the fact that it makes me feel good and look even better is what is important. I let myself go these past few years and I am working on getting my body back into shape and getting myself down to a healthy weight. So far I have lost 15 pounds and I am excited about that. My clothes fit a bit better and my pants are actually not tight around the waist area! I am hoping that by the time summer comes around I will be more comfortable in a bathing suit! I am not asking for perfection, I am just asking for healthy.

The third major change is that I am getting my head on straight and working on getting back into the swing of things with Church. I will admit that I haven't been the best at attending. I have let so many different reasons stop me from going, that I actually forgot that I LIKE going to church. I LIKE my religion and I am happy with it. I know the Church is true, sometimes the people in it aren't but the doctrine is true. I have been struggling though because of something that has recently come up, but I know that if I do what I need to that things will go as they need to.

That is the three main changes right now. I have mainly just learned to let go and to love life. It can be pretty crappy at times and sometimes I just want it to end, but I know that I am not seeing the big picture. It all is a matter of perspective and lately mine has been pretty skewed.

My big "AHA!" Moment

Last night I was sitting in bed when I realized that I had been had...duped....outfoxed....bamboozled...and by a cunning opponent at that. I have been sitting around worrying about something that I know I don't need to worry about at all. It's like my brain has been tricked into thinking I need to go one way when every other part of me knows that I need to go the other way. How dumb and selfish have I been to let my mind wander off the path that I am supposed to be on?

OI VEY! I totally need a new brain sometimes.

Sometimes

I have had major cabin fever lately because I have been house ridden due to my strep throat. OI I feel like I am going to EXPLODE any second now. Luckily though my mom says that tomorrow I am free to escape and go have fun outside of the house! YIPPEE!!!! I am really excited because I feel like my butt has almost gotten permanently stuck to the sofa since I basically haven't had the energy or will to do anything else. *BLEGH*

Luckily though I am turning things around. I applied to go work a summer job at Lake Powell with some fellow MG's and I have decided to work out even more and lose more weight before working there (if I get a job) and I am pretty excited about it. Also I am writing You-Know-Who more and I don't care if he gets my letters or even reads them....okay I do....in fact I feel like going to ripping the postal system a new one and teaching them how to handle mail. I mean really now it isn't that hard if people would stop being retarded.

Erica is coming home soon and that is pretty dang cool. I won't be able to see her most likely which is pretty sad, but whatevers I might have to work so there isn't really anything I can do about it. I like work and everything, except the standing forevers on my feet part, but the rest is pretty cool. I am not working this week due to the fact that I have strep and that my boss thought I was going to quit which I wasn't at all! I happen to like being employed and I am really just happy with life lately.

I have been thinking about everything and I am happy with where I am and what I feel is right. I even have support from people who I for sure thought was going to think I am being stupid....but apparently they see things the same way and that means more to me than anything. I feel more...validated...hahaha like I am not crazy for seeing things that actually are there. I mean I thought I was being silly, but to have others see it...well that just is the icing on the cake. One year down and just a few more months to go. *sigh* That is when we will all see what happens.

EURGH

I feel like such a burden on my family. I am such a waste really. My mom is upset because I am using her stuff without asking (hairspray and the like), but she doesn't really say anything about it so I have someone else telling that to me and it makes me feel like a piece of crap. How awkward is it that? I feel so dumb living at home. I hate telling people that I am back at home and not at school. I have started working and I like working and everything, but seriously I feel like I need to get out of here or at least get my own place somewhere as soon as I can afford it. Maybe Tonya and I can get a place soon. Possibly by this summer or whatever. All I know is that I need to get my own place. I hate feeling like a freeloader and like some little kid again.

I had a date on friday and it was a blast! I got asked to go ice skating by Steven and his brother and Jessica came along. We went ice skating in St. George, than ate at this really great stir fry place, and than watched Alice in Wonderland. That movie is amazing and mindblowing yet it is so weird and leaves you feeling odd. I really enjoyed it. I had fun on the date and it was pretty amazing. I know I am not saying much about it, but there really is not a whole lot to say other than it was really fun.

Traveling Old Paths

I am traveling down old familiar paths, but this time I am not as naive. I know where to step and I know the path well. I am traveling and I am willing to see. I see the mistakes I have made and the right choices I have.
I can't control life, I can only live life. I know I tend to be guarded and I keep people at a distance. I know that I can be loud and strong in my opinions and  I am too smart for my own good sometimes, but that is who I am, that is how Heavenly Father made me. I have accepted myself as I am, I have begun to look at life for the beautiful thing that it is. I am not afraid anymore to free fall into the unknown. I am comfortable in who I am and where I am going, although I don't know where it is exactly I am going but for once I am not freaking out about the unknown.

I realized today that we all fight over the same thing, we are uncompromising creatures and our fighting tends to cause problems. The inability of mankind to see the other side of the arguement is the root of most problems. I had this thought come to me today "Why do you fight for My love? Don't you know that I have enough for you all?" That love is Christ's love, we all fight and say that He is with us, yet we act as if He is with those of us in a certain church or religion, yet the truth is that he is with ALL of us individually and as a collective. Why is it that we can not see that? Why is it that we all assume one is damned and another is saved? Why is humanity unable to accept ideas not their own? Respect for others is vital to having peace in our lives. We must respect each other's way of life, even if it differs. I think that is why I have gained some peace in my life. I have learned to see others and their life and accept the differences and to see the similarities. It is almost a zen type lifestyle, but the inner peace I have now, the calm is serene and wonderful. No wonder Buddhist Monks seem so calm! I should probably try meditation as well. Of course I still believe in the gospel and everything, but I am adopting some other ways of thinking and making my life easier with it.

Life is good.