Distorted Reality

Taken at Valley Of Fire

Lately my mind has had  twisted and distorted sense of reality. I feel as if I am trapped in the above photo, not really knowing which way is really up. Yes I can see the sky, but how do I get there?

I guess the reason for this is my not knowing what to do with myself. I feel stuck. I feel like I am not going anywhere. I feel unhappy. I don't want to feel like this. I know a lot of my posts focus on my relationship. Yes, it gets boring. My only reason for my fixation is that I have nothing else to really focus on. I reflect a lot on myself and my relationship and I tend to post my findings here. Sad for those of you who are reading this hoping to gain insight into my day to day, but entertaining to those of you who are interested in some anonymous person's life.

I find myself lately thinking "You know it wouldn't be so mad to be a Married Mormon Mommy (MMM)." I have never in any way thought less of my friends who are married and have children. In fact I look upon their lives with a bit of jealousy. They who have managed to achieve the very thing I have been wanting. I want to get married and spawn children. I want to have that companionship and to marry my best friend. I don't want to quickie rush to marriage though, but the rest I will take. I have never sugar coated the fact that I am a hopeless romantic with cynical tendencies, but I am well aware that it would take someone uniquely special to fall in love with me enough to want to spend forever with me.

I worry sometimes that it won't happen. I understand that I am only 22 (23 in september!) and that I have my whole life ahead of me. But what if I don't plan on solving world hunger? What if what I want to do is raise a family and live a full and rich life? Yes I can have experiences after marriage and child birth. I plan on traveling and one day I want to go to Ireland/Scotland. But as of right now I have nothing happening. Nothing changing. I know you are supposed to love the life you are given, but I want and need something to change. Otherwise I will end up just blindly moving along in the world, with no realy ambitions.