Prospects

The past few weeks have been....enlightening.

Let me explain. Chase...well we kissed...it sent a shock to my system promptly telling me "Aw hell no girl!" and I ended up crying when I got home. Now before you think he is that bad of a kisser let me share that it was in fact a nice kiss (aside from tasting like pastrami and bubble gum). I just got this empty feeling inside when it happened and my past has taught me that shouldn't be ignored. So I let him know I just want to be friends and so far that has worked nicely....awkward but it will work itself out.

I also realized that things aren't going to change with Robert and I and I need to stop being hopeful that they will. It has been a month since we broke up and while we still interact flirtatiously I have realized that I actually do want to move on. What we had was great, but it wasn't perfect and we wanted different things. He taught me a lot about what love to me is and what I am willing to do for one I love. Now I know what to look for next time. I still have a lot of love for him, but I am not really in love with him in that way. I have been forced to look at how things were and I think while we would have had a nice life together, I would have come second to a lot of things. I selfishly want to be first pick you know?

That leads me to recent observations and problems (?) within my life. One of my friends came out to me (idk if I have said this already) and recently has found young love with an awesome guy that I can't wait to meet. Barbara and kenny broke up and she already is going on dates with just one guy (aaah yeah gurl!) and I keep joking with her telling her that they will be married by the end of the year. It's my duty as best friend ok? With all the heartache I have gone through I have viewed the above with a sort of disdain. I mean they could find a renewal of sorts almost right away whilst I am suffering alone (yes I am being dramatic) and wallowing in what was lost. The thought of "what is wrong with me?" and "what do they have that I don't?" has plagued my mind constantly.

That is until...I started to realize that I am worth it. That I am first pick. The guy just hasn't found me yet, or hasn't realized that I am here in front of him. I spend so much time trying to impress others and focusing on making myself appealing that I have lost what I used to love about myself....my lack of concern for other's opinions. I want a guy to love me (not just like) me as I am and a guy who can appreciate my uniqueness. I've embraced the fact that I am not like other girls and that is what makes me so dang special. I have realized what my friends have been telling me for years. I am awesome. I don't see the world normally and while at times it makes me bitter and jaded, it makes me refreshingly honest and in a way I see and appreciate the beauty of it all more than others do.

Now this isn't some shameless self promotion. I am 22 years old and I am barely realizing this all about me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I am not ashamed of all that I am and all that I have experienced. I am not ashamed to admit how I feel (which lately has been shite) and I am not afraid to put myself out there to be burned. This life is too short to wonder "what if" and to talk myself out of possibilities and prospects that may very well lead to happiness or the very least an important life lesson. On that note I want to share something. I have applied to jobs in California and Utah and whichever I hear from first is where I go. Honestly though I am finding I want to go back to Utah and settle there (at least for school).

I have heard back from one place and I hope I get the job. It would be more than I get paid now and the job would be a bit of an upgrade. I would get to live in the Provo area and be closer to friends that I have missed dearly. I am also getting a puppy and let me tell you....two months old and he already is HUGE!!!! Tank is a fitting name for him! My car finally got fixed and I am so grateful for it! I was dying without it! Another little secret. I think I may be crushing (if not heavily) on someone already. Worse thing is I think he knows since I basically told him he is worth it. Smooth move Alvidrez.

We will see what happens.