Slowly fading

My heart has slowly been fading away all day. Tears threaten to break the surface as I force myself to get through another hour, minute, second. Thoughts turning in my head; chaos reigns as sanity flees every crevass of my mind. No longer able to focus on anything but the fate of this one moment. The inevitable meeting looming in the distance casting a shadow on the present.
What will happen if I lose it all? I can't think about it without wanting to vanish. Sleep has become my only escape from reality and so my body begins to shut down. This time...this pain... It goes deeper than anything before. What if I lose the very thing that gave me a reason to continue? What if I am left alone again?
These questions plague me and taunt me with answers that I dread.
My only hope is that this is the dark workings of my mind and not a reality I will soon have to face. I must remain positive or else I will fall away into oblivion.

People say

There is nothing more attractive than someone who is confident in themselves. Someone who knows how to hold themselves and how to show those around them that they love them.

I am not that person. I look at my relationships with people and I can only think that they deserve better. One day everyone is going to wake up to the reality I have known for years and they are going to see the ugly that has become me. I am alone in a crowded life. I know I am loved and people care about me but no matter how hard I try I can't make myself be as happy as I should be. I hate myself for it. I don't deserve any of these wonderful, caring people.

It is a dark night in my mind tonight.

Two Flat Tires

I am either really blessed or life decided to pick on me. I am trying to go with the first one so I don't end up blowing my car up, but getting two flat tires in one week is a little ridiculous no?
Naturally it is not really a surprise to me tgat it happened but it would have been nice for it to have maybe been a bit spread out. Oh well.
Luckily Sal and Robert helped me out and I am going and buying new tires tomorrow. YAY!!

But I guess my biggest problem has been my emotional state...you could say I have two emotionally flat tires. Tis life though and as usual I am faking it until I make it.

Fashion of His Love

Not going to lie this post is all about my lovely. I have recently realized how much I love this man, but I know I still have deeper I can go. He is the peanut butter to my jelly, the cheese to my macaroni. Robert has become my number one best friend (sorry Barbara) and if in some catastrophic twist of fate we end up breaking apart the next guy is going to have an almost impossible time filling those shoes.
Robert supports my sporadic whims and fancies while at the same time keeping me grounded in reality. We can dream and plan together and the main thing is we can always laugh together...mainly at each other and with each other. He has done so much for me and continues to do so as time goes on.
I know I am so lucky to have a guy like him and I don't plan on letting him go anytime soon. I only hope that I can be all for him that he is for me.

Also when he gives me that squishy face I just about die inside! Tug on my heartstrings why don't you?!

Shake it up

Watch "Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out"
on YouTube

Every once in awhile a song comes along that makes me feel like it was written for me. I srumbled upon this one and I immediately knew. Just wanted to share it. Gonna be posting tomorrow so yay!!

A change

I needed a change so the first thing to change was the hair. Last haircut was a year ago when Uncle Danny died. I went back to bangs and got some layers. Nothing too crazy but the newness feels great.

You would think

Here I am in California waiting to leave to Sea World and not one drip of excitement is coursing through me. In fact what I feel is agitation. My sister wants me to pick her up in Long Beach and I am in Anaheim supposed to be going to San Diego. She gets to wear my flip flops because she only brought dressy shoes to some party she went to last night. Robert is listening to his ipod and reading his nook and I get the impression this morning he is holding something back but I don't know what.
Barbara and kenny are still getting ready. I am hungry and just want to keep sleeping. If my dad hadn't bought my ticket idk if I would still wanna do Sea World. Hopefully that changes.
It was nice seeing my family last night at Grandma's. We celebrated with cake and pizza and combined I received 225 dollars from them all!!!!
Well I am off to google breakfast places. Ttyl!