It's happened...

I know most of you who read this blog already know this, but Jonathan and I are expecting our first child together!!

We found out on March 30, 2014 and proudly told our families on April Fools Day...after some convincing they believed us and were super excited about it! Surprisingly we kept it pretty hush hush until Mother's Day when we posted the announcement on facebook.

Right now I'm at 13 weeks which means next week I'll be in my second trimester! I have my next appointment this coming Monday and I'm super excited for the update! Four weeks between appointments is WAY too long for my taste because I'm too excited about all of this and I get scared because of all the cramping and spotting I get.

I know it's normal,but I can't help but panic sometimes haha poor Jonathan has to deal with my crazy emotions all the time. I cry over everything and even when I've been laughing I start crying. Luckily I don't have morning sickness...sometimes I get sick depending on what I ate but overall I don't get ill.

I'll update y'all more as time goes on. This mama needs a nap.

What the hell is PCO?

**Post may contain TMI**

So at the start of the year I was (and still am) experiencing cramping that wasn't previously common in my life outside of the start of my period. Usually I can take some Tylenol or ibuprofen and it goes away. This time though the cramping was and still is a random and persistent nuisance. I'm not usually big on going to see a doctor, but when I had cramping actually wake me up in the middle of the night I knew something wasn't right.
I made the appointment and had to endure the wait (a few weeks) before I could get answers. The pain continued, but on a lesser level after my period started. By the time I was on the exam room table I forgot about the pain until my wonderful doctor poked the wrong places and made me wince. Blood was drawn and my first ultrasound ever was scheduled. All day after my appointment though I felt bruised and battered, like I had had someone kick me right in the uterus. He had been gentle, but it still left me in pain after. The ultrasound went just as well....oh mama did it HURT. I knew exactly what side of my uterus was looking at by the side the pain was on. It was so unpleasant.

A few days later they told me my thyroid test came back normal (so my being overweight was just my fatty ways) and a few more weeks after that I ended up getting a call that my ultrasound revealed I have polycystic ovaries. The cramping is caused by that, the nausea from the pain is caused by that, the heavy periods, and all around pain in general is caused by my polycystic ovaries.

Online research doesn't do much to help shed light on this particular condition, as most people with PCO are diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and most information regards the syndrome as a whole. What is alarming though is I exhibit another symptom that PCOS sufferers experience...the problem is that my doctor didn't see it because it's embarrassing and so I made sure to shave. See I've got hair growth around my belly button and chest that should not be there, it's dark and has started growing the past couple of years. I regularly shave because it's weird to me and it's just awkward. Also my hair is thinning out. I shed so much it is ridiculous and annoying. So it has me particularly alarmed that I perhaps have PCOS and not just the polycystic ovaries.

Now I'm not going to self diagnose, I just want to try and manage the pain I experience and handle the hair loss/ growth in weird places while perhaps avoiding the infertility issues that can arise. My first step towards that has been working out and trying to lose weight. My doctor suggested it and any sites have that as a first step towards treating the pain issues. Another treatment is birth control, but it's usually when women aren't having periods/ to control flow.
I'll be posting updates as I go along. So far I've lost five pounds, but the cramping is still persistent. It comes and goes, but so far I don't have an exact cause for why it comes. The other day it hurt hours after having sex and usually will be hurting all night after I've worked all day.

I'm going to try some essential oils to see if it helps, but that's a post for another day. Ttyl y'all!

Adventures in Cooking Part Two

I'm thinking about posting our cooking shenanigans since we have quite a few of these delicious hijinks that occur...might be fun.

Anyways tonight's dinner was inspired from a pinterest post. We varied from what was used because that's what we do. So here's our version of this simple and easy crockpot meal.

2 frozen chicken breasts
1 Can of corn
1 can of Green beans
1 can of mild rotel with green chiles
I 8 oz package of cream cheese
I bag of seashell pasta

Combine all ingredients except pasta into slowcooker and set on high for 4 hours or low for 6-8 hours. Once ready let sit for 30 minutes to let it thicken. While sitting cook pasta according to the directions on package. Add pasta to the crockpot and Voila! Its ready to eat!

It was more than enough for two people and was incredibly delicious. The hubby added salt and pepper to his and I enjoyed mine as it was made. Either way it worked and was filling after one helping.

Feel free to share any changes you might make to it!

Adventures of Cooking

Tonight I am making a surprise dinner for my husband and I am thrilled to see how it turns out!

Red mashed potatoes(from a bag), stuffed chicken breasts wrapped in.bacon(bought from the store meat department), and stuffed biscuits (pinterest recipe)!!!

All but the biscuits are something I don't really have to work on. Pop it into the oven or microwave and boom it's done. But the thing I'm most excited for is in fact the biscuits. Delicious mozzarella rolled into the dough with olive oil brushed on top with parmesan and garlic powder. Oh.My.Fudge. It smells delicious as they're baking and I can not wait until I am able to gobble them down.

I'm half tempted to just have the chicken and the biscuits since there's quite a few of them....yes that sounds like a good idea. Husband is getting chicken and biscuits...maybe canned veggies.

This homemaking thing is catching on. Oh I love cooking for him.

He's funny.

I've decided that my husband is a funny and sweet guy, whether he will admit it or not. Every passing day he surprises me by just how affectionate he is. He is a big pain in my butt, but for the most part he is this charming nurturing man. For example we went and got hot chocolate from the local gas station (mainly because we are idiots) and soon after we were both feeling sick and gross from drinking the sludge. While he was suffering as much as I was he spent that time comforting me as I have been so emotional lately I was crying from it. He's been doing a lot of that lately, being comforting. He sends me uplifting messages while I'm at work and goes out of his way to make sure I am feeling loved.
I say all of this because last night he told me something that brought a whole new level to our relationship and marriage. I'm not sharing what because that's between us, but I couldn't helpful think about how even though I constantly share such thoughts and he knows what I'm thinking, when he shares it always brings this new element to us. We constantly ask each other what we're thinking and he never fails to make me smile.
If anyone asks me what the success to our marriage is and has been I would have to say the honesty we share and that we strive to make each other happy.

Husband bragging moment over!

Doing What I Can

It's hard. This living thing is hard. Most days I just want to lay in bed all day and not do anything. The effort it takes to constantly breathe sometimes is just simply too much. It always seems though that as soon as my thinking turns darker than is manageable, my husband finds a way to shine light into the darkness of my mind.

I was looking at photos of myself over the years. Those times when I hadn't a clue in the world what I was worth. I thought I was ugly and not worth being loved. That I was broken, damaged beyond repair. I grew up fast, and I grew old beyond my physical years. I have been tired and weary for so long; my personal demons weighing and breaking me down further and further.

All of that changed when I met Jonathan. I had never felt so compelled towards another as I did him. I was taken in by his honesty and how willing he was to share his own demons with me. I had just wanted a friend, someone to talk to and hangout with since our friends got married. I ended up with so much more.

Sometimes my husband takes both my demons and his upon his back, just so I can breathe and find my strength again. Other times (not as often as I would like) he lets me shoulder his load for awhile. We're working together to help each other live. He makes me want to live, he makes me want to see what the future has and without having to plan everything out right now! He inspires me to dream and hope for things I haven't in a long while, and he listens with a calm and loving patience.

We are by no means perfect, we're as damaged as they get, but we were made for each other in a way I don't expect many to understand. We only dated for a little over a month before we got engaged, but everyday he proves to me that Heavenly Father led us to each other right when we needed it.

I don't know how this turned into a post about my awesome husband, but hey it's what needed to come out apparently. So if anyone is reading this, don't be afraid to get up and live, find someone or something worth living for. I'm learning to live for myself through my husband's help, but we all have the ability to love ourselves no matter how hard life may seem.

Don't worry lovelies, it gets better.

How far we come.

Looking back on older blog posts I have realized just how far I have come from who I was in 2009 when I started this blog. Yes I am still the sappy love sick woman I always have been, but slowly I've written about more than just my struggles with love. I want to tell cb people that if they want to really know me they should read things I've posted, but than I know I'll end up censoring posts/ be embarrassed by things I wrote about years ago.

I guess it's the same for every blogger out there though, we all post things we look back on in embarrassment. Heck, I read all of them tonight and just barely realized how personal I get in them. This has become a personally public diary of sorts for me over the years and I look back and see who I was and with some of my posts all I can do is shake my head in regret.
Don't mistake what I'm saying, I do not regret my life experiences. Very little in my life is worth changing. Most of my regrets are from this past year or so, but the younger me has to stay the same. I went through a lot to get to where I am and where I am is a pretty rocking place y'know?

So yes I've had many (slightly obsessive) "loves" and posted a great deal about it, but if you look close enough you'll see the struggles of a young woman looking for her own special person and place in this world. I've delved a lot over the years into my depression and struggles with my self-esteem and body image. I've shared loss of loved ones and joys of others and personal anecdotes of day to day adventures.

This blog is my life. It's a little piece of me thrown out there onto the internet. I'm not perfect and neither is this blog, but it's me and that's what makes it so great. I don't pretend to be normal and I never will. So I hope you enjoy it, I hope you read it, and I hope that in some way it changes you and gives you a new perspective of your world through someone else's experiences.