Its a full on battle

Oh it's on weightloss...it's on!!!

I am so pumped and excited about working out and losing weight. Right now I am focusing on losing some weight before my birthday which is in three weeks, but my main goal is to lose at the minimum of 40 lbs by the end of the year. This past week I have gained some weight BUT that is the muscle I have built with running and doing toning excercises. Considering the most excercise I have done in forever was walking at work...yeah its improvement. Hopefully I can get more consistent with it. I have been going maybe two or three times a week but for my goals I need to workout everyday at first.

Running sucks but its one of the best ways to lose weight. If we had a pool open here I would swim constantly. I am thinking of going down on thursdays with Robert to Vegas and joining a gym or something. I can probably get Barbara to join me. Since swimming is easy for me and I know I could spend hours swimming and working out. One gym day a week isnt bad at all and it will get me out of the valley at least once a week.

All I know is this weight is coming off.

My room currently

It is a mess isnt it????? Hopefully soon it wont look so much like a nest!!

Monologue of my heart

Lately I have grooving to that Lady Gaga song You and I. It speaks to me on a level that I can't properly explain anywhere other than on here. I am sure people will read this and come to assumptions about who or what I am talking about, but to be perfectly honest, they will be wrong. I digress. The song makes me remember that feeling I had one day when I was living in Provo. I was up all night and unable to sleep because I was wrestling with my soul. So I decided I was going to run it away and I took off on a late night/ early morning jog. I ended up at the Provo Temple 30 minutes later and was astounded to see people actually arriving there. It had to be around 4 in the morning when that happened. I was shocked but I didn't bother them and they didn't bother me. I sat there on a bench for two hours before getting up and running/ walking back home.
The entire time I sat there I cried and poured my heart out to no one and everyone. I knew that God was listening so I just said whatever was bothering me. I guess you could say that I just let go and once I was going I couldn't stop. With recent things going on I feel that sense of wrestling again and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel this huge sense of loss and dissapointment and I don't want to and I know I shouldn't. It should have been mine you know? I should be the one experiencing these things, that rush, but instead I have what I have and I am trying to be happy, I am trying not to bring everyone around me down. The other day Robert told me that I have this sad look all the time and it bothers him because he never knows what to do or if he is the cause of it. I didn't want to tell him that he isn't the only one that has told me that.
I feel so lost lately, like a part of me has just left or died. I have to try twice as hard to make it seem like I am okay, when really all I want to do is pull a Rip Van Winkle. Someone once asked me if I have ever thought about killing myself. My answer is always no, but I wouldn't be opposed to sleeping for a good long while. Somedays I feel like doing that, just not waking up...idk if I could hit a reset button on my life I think I would. Maybe just disappear and start life new somewhere where no one knew my life story or really knew me. I could recreate myself and forget about all the hurt I carry with me. I could forget them and what they have done. I could be free to dream and achieve all I have wanted without someone telling me that I won't make it or I won't be successful or say "Be realistic Nadia." The problem with me is that no matter how realistic I am, I wasn't born to be that way. For as long as I can remember I have always given in to fantasy and the world of fiction. I live to dream.
Perhaps that is where the problem is. I can only be the real me while in my head. I only let people see about 10% of who I really am. The fact that I am more open on this blog than I am in person says a lot to me and probably to whoever reads this. I'm sure at some point my boyfriend and or my other friends and family will read this, the fact that I don't care is what I am really worried about. If I didn't want people to see this or to read it I wouldn't put it out there right? I sometimes feel like I am a pigeon in a flock if flamingoes and sometimes it is the other way around. I guess it just depends on the day.
I miss that feeling, the feeling of being chased and pursued. I feel like I have to lose the weight I have gained in order to really feel like I am wanted. The enthusiasm showed when my impending weight loss is discussed cuts me deeper than anything. I mean....why not show that drive, that need now? Am I really not that attractive as I am? Yes Yes I actually do WANT and NEED to lose weight, but please don't make me feel like I am not that desirable unless I lose weight. I don't need my body ravished nightly or anything like that, but I don't want to know that you can't wait til that day I can wear a bikini. I know once I lose weight I will be getting attention from all directions and that is mainly what pisses me off most. Everyone loves my personality, but because I am not some size friggin 2 I am overlooked a whole lot in a lot of situations. I am so tired of how society looks at women and men in general. I LIKE having some substance. I will admit that I am a chunky monkey, but damn it I don't need you to tell me that!
I should start writing again, not finish my old story, but recreate it. I have changed and the story has changed with me. The characters are changing as I am, seeing as they are all versions of me and those I hold dear. I hope to finish it by the end of the year, but I am giving myself til the summer before I actually try and get the thing published. I miss writing and I know that I should continue with it. Hopefully it leads somewhere.

Today's thought is this. The job does not often define the person.

Full Circle

Well I am back home now....at my parents. But to save my dignity and pride, I can say that I am paying them rent each month and not so much crashing at their house. Yeah I know, being back home and not on my own is kind of a lame thing for one my age. I should be out there living life and yada yada yada. I get it...cut the apron strings. All I have to say is that I have been blessed with parents kind enough to help me out and to let me help them. I am so not going to be spitting in their faces and not admit when I need help. They raised me better than that.

Interestingly enough I enjoy being back home. I have internet and I get to interact with them more and see them more. I have a ton of stuff though in my room now and it is a bit crowded at the moment, but I am going through all my shoes and clothes and tossing those which I have not worn in a year or didn't even know I had. It's part of my weight loss plan. If I don't hang on to my "fat clothes" I will be forced to lose weight and buy new (smaller) clothes! Barbara and I have been trying to walk a few miles each night and to get some running in, but with our mismatched schedules and my not being able to leave late at night....we have to figure a new thing out. I am doing my workout dvd and striving to have healthy goals for my weightloss, but to be honest I just want to be able to wear a bikini and look....well...HOT in it.

I strive for so much.

Random musings

Sometimes no matter how simply you put something, the person you are talking to is still not going to understand it.
You never know just how strong you are until you have to move a queen sized mattress up a flight of stairs by yourself.
The ghosts of Not Me and I Don't Know will follow you from home to work or to wherever. Be prepared for their presence.
Sometimes you have to be the pigeon in a flock of flamingoes. People tend to respond better when you stand out in a quiet way.

Working it out..and off

Tonight I walked two miles...its part of my effort to fit into a size 9. I am being perfectly healthy about it even though I know my mentality isn't. I feel HUGE even though I know I am not. Most of my problems stem from the fact that I view myself as unattractive and the fact that I have a permanent food baby. It doesn't help that I have been having a difficult time with my depression lately. Makes it hard to be motivated when you have no faith or love, for yourself. I wish I could be back to jow I was when I graduated high school. I ballooned after that. I know when it started but I am too ashamed to admit it outloud. I have been curbing how much I eat lately and am working out now. Hopefully working out twice a day will help.

Can it be?

Over a year later and I still feel that irge to serve a mission. My heart is sad that I haven't gone. I worry that if I go I will lose all I have built with Robert. I know that is a selfish thing, but he is important to me.
I am starting to prepare...well trying to be stronger in faith and gaining a knowledge of the gospel and the church. Barbara and I will be living the mission schedule soon and we are both considering it. I just don't want to regret not going. I don't want to ignore this feeling. I am not running from anything this time and I am in a somewhat better place than before. I still have things to work on, but I think I can do it.