Lately I have grooving to that Lady Gaga song You and I. It speaks to me on a level that I can't properly explain anywhere other than on here. I am sure people will read this and come to assumptions about who or what I am talking about, but to be perfectly honest, they will be wrong. I digress. The song makes me remember that feeling I had one day when I was living in Provo. I was up all night and unable to sleep because I was wrestling with my soul. So I decided I was going to run it away and I took off on a late night/ early morning jog. I ended up at the Provo Temple 30 minutes later and was astounded to see people actually arriving there. It had to be around 4 in the morning when that happened. I was shocked but I didn't bother them and they didn't bother me. I sat there on a bench for two hours before getting up and running/ walking back home.
The entire time I sat there I cried and poured my heart out to no one and everyone. I knew that God was listening so I just said whatever was bothering me. I guess you could say that I just let go and once I was going I couldn't stop. With recent things going on I feel that sense of wrestling again and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel this huge sense of loss and dissapointment and I don't want to and I know I shouldn't. It should have been mine you know? I should be the one experiencing these things, that rush, but instead I have what I have and I am trying to be happy, I am trying not to bring everyone around me down. The other day Robert told me that I have this sad look all the time and it bothers him because he never knows what to do or if he is the cause of it. I didn't want to tell him that he isn't the only one that has told me that.
I feel so lost lately, like a part of me has just left or died. I have to try twice as hard to make it seem like I am okay, when really all I want to do is pull a Rip Van Winkle. Someone once asked me if I have ever thought about killing myself. My answer is always no, but I wouldn't be opposed to sleeping for a good long while. Somedays I feel like doing that, just not waking up...idk if I could hit a reset button on my life I think I would. Maybe just disappear and start life new somewhere where no one knew my life story or really knew me. I could recreate myself and forget about all the hurt I carry with me. I could forget them and what they have done. I could be free to dream and achieve all I have wanted without someone telling me that I won't make it or I won't be successful or say "Be realistic Nadia." The problem with me is that no matter how realistic I am, I wasn't born to be that way. For as long as I can remember I have always given in to fantasy and the world of fiction. I live to dream.
Perhaps that is where the problem is. I can only be the real me while in my head. I only let people see about 10% of who I really am. The fact that I am more open on this blog than I am in person says a lot to me and probably to whoever reads this. I'm sure at some point my boyfriend and or my other friends and family will read this, the fact that I don't care is what I am really worried about. If I didn't want people to see this or to read it I wouldn't put it out there right? I sometimes feel like I am a pigeon in a flock if flamingoes and sometimes it is the other way around. I guess it just depends on the day.
I miss that feeling, the feeling of being chased and pursued. I feel like I have to lose the weight I have gained in order to really feel like I am wanted. The enthusiasm showed when my impending weight loss is discussed cuts me deeper than anything. I mean....why not show that drive, that need now? Am I really not that attractive as I am? Yes Yes I actually do WANT and NEED to lose weight, but please don't make me feel like I am not that desirable unless I lose weight. I don't need my body ravished nightly or anything like that, but I don't want to know that you can't wait til that day I can wear a bikini. I know once I lose weight I will be getting attention from all directions and that is mainly what pisses me off most. Everyone loves my personality, but because I am not some size friggin 2 I am overlooked a whole lot in a lot of situations. I am so tired of how society looks at women and men in general. I LIKE having some substance. I will admit that I am a chunky monkey, but damn it I don't need you to tell me that!
I should start writing again, not finish my old story, but recreate it. I have changed and the story has changed with me. The characters are changing as I am, seeing as they are all versions of me and those I hold dear. I hope to finish it by the end of the year, but I am giving myself til the summer before I actually try and get the thing published. I miss writing and I know that I should continue with it. Hopefully it leads somewhere.
Today's thought is this. The job does not often define the person.
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