Boiling HOT

Just a quick note....it is not fun to work when outside is triple digit weather and the air conditioning isn't working. Needless to say work has been rather rough lately because of it. We KCCO though and tough it out.

Positivity

Welp by the end of May I will be able to take the sacrament AND I may even have a calling!!!! It is really excited and I am so glad I went and spoke with President! He has been such a big help in all of this and a really big support to me. I see him as a father figure and that rarely happens in my life. The only other one is Papa Bischoff...so yeah. Things are going really good and have been looking up for me...in a way at least.

My car is working but is costing me 1795.22 and of course I can't pay it all at once, but thankfully the mechanic is being nice enough to work with me on payments. I am so grateful for that and for my car working finally...although I keep expecting it to break again! Old habits die hard I suppose.

I went up this week and visited The Bischoffs and even snuck in some Colton time...I neglected to bring my camera and I am rather disappointed in nyself for it. :( Jenny is almost ready for baby  numbah 2 and Olivia is so big now and quite the rascal! I got to spend time with Mama Bischoff and we got to talking. It was so nice to be there with them all again. I had gone up there for an interview and I am now waiting to see if I got the second interview. I think the first one went well and I have my fingers crossed. It would be an amazing opportunity for me and I would be able to get out of the valley! Being up in Provo made me regret ever leaving. Seriously I am going to move back asap because I know.it.is where.i belong.

I don't know, but something about it has always screamed "home" to me. With me being back in my anti-depressants I think I would be able to handle it this time. I have come a long ways from where I was and I know it is something I need to do. Wish me luck!!

Speaks to me

Watch "Maroon 5 - Payphone (Lyric Video) ft. Wiz Khalifa" on YouTube
Every year there is a song that comes out that defines how I feel and what I am going through. Most notably it comes out around summer (since that's when the shiz goes down in Nadia Land) and this year my anthem is the song posted above. There is language so be warned. The clean version hasn't come out yet, but it still defines my.life perfectly right now.

I have realized that I have a lot of anger, not so much because mu relationship ended, but because I spent so much time in a relationship that a part of me knew wasn't going to end in marriage. Now I am sitting around and I just feel like we can't come back from this.

Yesterday the branch played wiffle ball and Robert showed up and two seconds later he left and didn't even bother saying "bye". I know he probably went home or something since he had a phone call, but it irritated me that he coukdn't even be socialable with me for more than two seconds. On a side note I actually did fairly well with hitting the ball and such. So huzzah for my skills!!!!

Also I have a meeting with President on Sunday. I have a lot to talk with him about since our last meeting. Things I have discovered about.myself and just issues I am having in general. Overall though life is good!

Prospects

The past few weeks have been....enlightening.

Let me explain. Chase...well we kissed...it sent a shock to my system promptly telling me "Aw hell no girl!" and I ended up crying when I got home. Now before you think he is that bad of a kisser let me share that it was in fact a nice kiss (aside from tasting like pastrami and bubble gum). I just got this empty feeling inside when it happened and my past has taught me that shouldn't be ignored. So I let him know I just want to be friends and so far that has worked nicely....awkward but it will work itself out.

I also realized that things aren't going to change with Robert and I and I need to stop being hopeful that they will. It has been a month since we broke up and while we still interact flirtatiously I have realized that I actually do want to move on. What we had was great, but it wasn't perfect and we wanted different things. He taught me a lot about what love to me is and what I am willing to do for one I love. Now I know what to look for next time. I still have a lot of love for him, but I am not really in love with him in that way. I have been forced to look at how things were and I think while we would have had a nice life together, I would have come second to a lot of things. I selfishly want to be first pick you know?

That leads me to recent observations and problems (?) within my life. One of my friends came out to me (idk if I have said this already) and recently has found young love with an awesome guy that I can't wait to meet. Barbara and kenny broke up and she already is going on dates with just one guy (aaah yeah gurl!) and I keep joking with her telling her that they will be married by the end of the year. It's my duty as best friend ok? With all the heartache I have gone through I have viewed the above with a sort of disdain. I mean they could find a renewal of sorts almost right away whilst I am suffering alone (yes I am being dramatic) and wallowing in what was lost. The thought of "what is wrong with me?" and "what do they have that I don't?" has plagued my mind constantly.

That is until...I started to realize that I am worth it. That I am first pick. The guy just hasn't found me yet, or hasn't realized that I am here in front of him. I spend so much time trying to impress others and focusing on making myself appealing that I have lost what I used to love about myself....my lack of concern for other's opinions. I want a guy to love me (not just like) me as I am and a guy who can appreciate my uniqueness. I've embraced the fact that I am not like other girls and that is what makes me so dang special. I have realized what my friends have been telling me for years. I am awesome. I don't see the world normally and while at times it makes me bitter and jaded, it makes me refreshingly honest and in a way I see and appreciate the beauty of it all more than others do.

Now this isn't some shameless self promotion. I am 22 years old and I am barely realizing this all about me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I am not ashamed of all that I am and all that I have experienced. I am not ashamed to admit how I feel (which lately has been shite) and I am not afraid to put myself out there to be burned. This life is too short to wonder "what if" and to talk myself out of possibilities and prospects that may very well lead to happiness or the very least an important life lesson. On that note I want to share something. I have applied to jobs in California and Utah and whichever I hear from first is where I go. Honestly though I am finding I want to go back to Utah and settle there (at least for school).

I have heard back from one place and I hope I get the job. It would be more than I get paid now and the job would be a bit of an upgrade. I would get to live in the Provo area and be closer to friends that I have missed dearly. I am also getting a puppy and let me tell you....two months old and he already is HUGE!!!! Tank is a fitting name for him! My car finally got fixed and I am so grateful for it! I was dying without it! Another little secret. I think I may be crushing (if not heavily) on someone already. Worse thing is I think he knows since I basically told him he is worth it. Smooth move Alvidrez.

We will see what happens.

Really Trying

This past week my problems with depression have really caught up with me. I know I kind of was asking for it with putting off dealing with my grief andnot facing the sadness for more than a day, but honestly I don't think I could handle it all at once. Now I am paying for it though. I sleep like the dead and it doesn't matter how long I sleep...I NEED more and more sleep. I don't have insomnia anymore because it is so bad. I also have seen a return of my penchant for snacking.....ugh. Yeah I gained back the weight I lost and thankfully I haven't gained more than that! I don't even realize I am eating until more than half of what I am noming on is gone and than it's like "Might as well finish it."

I feel like such a heifer.

Today I saw Robert for the first time since the breakup and let me tell you it has not been fun. He was driving fast in order to look at these two girls in this audi on our way to Vegas and I was just like "Seriously?" It kind of really hurt. I mean yes we broke up, but for hell's sake man! It was only two weeks ago and after almost two years together I don't need or deserve to see you looking at others girls. Especially when they are like 8s and I am around a 6. Don't look at them in front of me. I don't want to know what you are interested in now. I don't want to know or even think about you with another girl. I mean you broke up with me because right now isn't a good time for you to have a relationship. You said you still loved me. Please act like it and respect that and I will respect you.

I probably had it coming though since I mentioned that Chase and I hung out. I didn't say anything about being interested or anything. Just said we have hung out and what not. Oh and speaking of Chase. We hung out last night I really enjoyed myself! I am going to admit that I am crushing a bit on him, but because of the above mentioned paragraph I am pretty positive that I may still be on the "not ready" list. But the fact that I was more annoyed than hurt is a good sign I think. Although yesterday I got asked when Robert and I are getting married and THAT almost made me cry. I had to explain that we broke up and they were going on and on about how cute we were and yada yada yada.

I wanted to punch something.

But I have been going out and having fun this week and I am looking forward to more fun times like getting my engine fixed (for reals), moving out, and getting my puppy!!!! I went to visit him on monday and HE IS SO FAT!!!!! I am thinking I am going to name him Tank, but I am coming up with a few more names, but Tank fits him. Linda told me that he learned how to climb out of the pen and was running around the yard by himself. Now she is waiting for the rest to figure it out since they will just watch him. My future dog is a genius and I couldn't be more proud! I am within the next month planning on moving out and I am also going to be enrolling in a massage therapy program. I am really excited about how life's pieces are falling into place!!!!!!!

Also I must note that I have been praying everyday at least twice a day and I have only missed one day of scripture reading. Spiritual BAMF!!! hahaha jk !

Endings and beginnings.

Robert and I broke up.

And onto other news....just kidding I won't leave anyone hanging. We split amicably, it is for the best and we are still friends. I still really love him, but its that wjole "if you love them let them go thing" you know? He has things he needs to do and to workout and honestly I am figuring out that I am in the same boat. If we end up back together it won't be for awhile, but who knows what will happen? This life constantly changes, so who knows where the wind will blow us.

I met with President and we discussed my drinking and other descretions. It felt really good to talk to him and to be open about it. Verdict isn't too bad and I am in the repentance process right now. We discussed the option of a mission and that door won't be opened for about year, but that is perfect to give me time to think about it and/ or prepare for one if I so choose to. So far I have decided to work towards it and see where the road leads me. I am confident in that decision and honestly it feels really amazing! Like I finally am on the correct path. Sure I took a detour (an amazing one) but I am back on course.

I have come up with a plan to be debt free.in the next couple of months. It is pretty.much going to be miserable for a bit, but once that debt is gone it is gonna be pretty banging. I'm taking care of my car first though so there is that, but yeah once the valve is fixed I am giving myself 150 of each check for gas and the rest is for bills. I realized I waste money on stupid things and have decided no more...after hunger games tomorrow of course. No way I am missing that!!! But after that I ain't spending anything! I could put all the unnecessary spending into savings and save most of the money for a mission just by not spending!

I really can't wait!!

What a night

So tonight I get to spend all night doing about four months of work before work at 8 am tomorrow. I  am going to succeed whether it kills me or not, but I wanted to post something before doing the workload of death for a management course.
The picture was taken this past su.day at around 4 am. Yes the cat is asleep. Like a boss he owns the hallway at night successfully blocking both the door to my room and my brother's room making bathroom trips perilous.

Also I wanted to add that my mad dash of work is not my fault. I was told a new system would not require the book work and all of a sudden it does. FML...but I am gonna KCCO and show this course who's boss!!