P90x Day One

Yesterday Barbara and I restarted the P90x program. It was the Shoulders and Arms DVD and let me tell you it was fantastic. I was kind of wimpy and started out with 5lb weights, but I am going to ramp them up just a bit as time goes on.

I am hoping to lose weight and get into shape, not necessarily build muscle. I am also going to supplement the workouts with my new vegetarian diet (I will occasionally eat chicken or fish) and with walking or riding my bike. I'm most likely going to be in pain for awhile, but it is going to be worth it.

I weigh 210 lbs right now (I have gained weight this past week) and my goal is to be down to 140 lbs. That's 70 lbs. I know I am not going to lose it all, but even if I get down to 160 that will be great!!!

To track progress I am going to post reviews of the excercise and even photos. I figure it will be a good way to ensure I actually stick with it!

As for now though all I can say is my shoulders feel great! I was surprised I could do all the reps and managed to keep up nicely with the video. Yay me!!!

I Struggle.

There is a lot of confusion in my life right now in regards to my spirituality and my place in this world. While I am not trying to figure it all out at once, I am really confused about my purpose and what I want to do with my life. I struggle most with my faith and where I stand as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). If you have read my blog you can pretty much document this ongoing and conflicting struggle between my faith and the rest of my person. I believe the church is true. I love the feeling I get when I read from the scriptures and when I am learning from the Bible and the B.O.M. Every time I am able to attend church or institute I am happy and filled with this peace, but I can't really stand a lot of the people I go with.

I know it is where I currently am that is the problem and not so much the church itself, but it is often hard to remember that outside of this valley members are actually pretty decent. Of course I am not perfect and I try not to come across that way. Heavenly Father is well aware of my faults and I am very well aware of them as well. The fact that I have acknowledged on this blog (and recently) that I have broken several commandments and own up to it is I think a big step; but my goal in sharing that isn't some weird way of repenting. I just have this odd open door policy with this blog. I know what I have done isn't the greatest, but what I struggle with is the fact that I don't neccessarily feel guilty about it. I do regret drinking since I have yet to have that great of an end to those evenings, but the going and doing isn't what I would take back...just the quantity.

Reading this I suppose I would be considered a Jack Mormon (as much as I detest that word). If I was a Molly I would probably faint in shock from reading this, but luckily I am jaded enough to not be shocked with my behavior. I take responsibility for my actions and I do not blane any specific person or people for my going inactive. I am trying to stay afloat and lately have been taking steps to get slightly more involved. I have been a member for four years and in that time I have hit some spiritual highs and deep deep lows. All through it though I have kept a testimony. To some that may not mean anything, but to me it means the world.

I am doing what I can and that is all that matters right now. Baby steps. Small baby steps, but steps nevertheless.

Oh those Nights!

This photo is now the wallpaper on my tablet. Partially because let's face it that guy (Mias is his name) is HAWT for a cartoon and I also have left it as a reminder that I do random shit while drunk. Hopefully I can remember to turn my tablet off BEFORE going out in order to avoid any other shenanigans.

I guess with this post another cat is out of the bag. I have gone out with coworkers a couple times now to one of the local bars. This last time I had a total of 6 drinks...well one drink 5 shots, but to be completely honest I do not believe I was that completely drunk since I remember EVERYTHING and managed to not be hungover the next day. Of course I did throw up, but that was the combination of a hot dog and jalapeno cheese bread I had consumed.

This new year is kind of showing me different aspects of myself that I didn't really know existed. It is both exciting and terrifying.

The Suspense!

I am officially a week late for my period. Today I did the math and if I go off when I last boogied I would be around 6 weeks. Early enough for no symptoms, but the test I took was negative. I talked to the girls at work who have had kids and they said it was around 8 weeks or so that they started feeling icky. Idk what to think or do. If by wednesday I haven't started my period I will take another test, but if that comes back negative or even positive I am hauling my butt to the doctor and getting my blood checked out!

I need to get work done for my meds anyways so it will be killing two birds with one stone right? I am trying not to spaz out here but the suspense is killing me!  I am going to write a different post spelling out exactly the conflict that is going on right now within me. But for now I am content to say that paranoia is settling in.

Relief

Well the big event came and went and that blessed little pink line showed up alone. Still no sign of my missing friend, but at least I know that for now it is a negative. Of course if in a few days I have yet to receive my visit we will find ourselves fretting again.

For now though all I can feel is relief.

Hello In There

On Tuesday evening I realized that I was late for my period by about 3 days...two days later and still no sign of Aunt Flo. I don't know what to think really, but I have had this nagging feeling all day. Luckily for me I have a really good friend named Barbara who is kind enough to help me out through this. We are going to make the trek to Mesquite to buy a HPT to see if there is anyone growing inside my womb. It is kinda...yeah.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't balls to the wall scared right now. Not so much about everyone knowing Robert and I have had sex, but more of the fact that I could be actually creating life within me. I mean seriously every bad food or drink choice this past month is now flooding into my mind and on top of that my anti-depressants run the risk of birth defects! it has been just over a month since we last did the deed and I don't have any other symptoms other than my missing friend, but to the girl who is regular like clockwork every month, being five days late is cause for major alarm!! Needless to say I have been reading all sorts of articles and trying to tell myself that I couldn't possibly be pregnant.
Naturally I will be posting the findings later today since I have a "no secrets" policy with you my blog followers. I do ask though that if you are reading this that you don't judge me for any of this. I may be scared, but in a way I am strangely calm about all of this. Yes it would be an "oops" baby, but I will still love the little crumb snatcher with all I can give. Hopefully whatever the outcome, life will continue to be as blessed as it has been lately.

2012

This new year I have not made any resolutions except to keep going down the path that I am already traveling. My life is good and I am in a happy place. I am growing up and learning the lessons I need to learn. I used to think I knew it all and I could do it all, but I am learning what is important and how to get my priorities straight.
Tonight for the first time I socialized with coworkers...more like friends...outside of the work setting. I made memories and I am happy for it. Yes, there was drinking involved, but you know what? I am comfortable with that. I am learning slowly who I am and how to accept that and to ignore the pressures of others. That is the true path to happiness right? I have taken control and am back on the track that I want to be on.
There has been a lot of self reflecting and I have been considering where I want to be in five years and I have decided that I would like to look into getting my teaching degree for science..well biology to be specific. Even if it just so I can teach and go to night school that would be fine for me. There is a lot I want to accomplish, but 2011 has shown me the importance of facing reality.
I love all that this past year alone has taught me and in looking back I can see how much I have learned and how much I have accomplished and as I fall asleep tonight it will be with a smile on my face.
...and not because I am drunk.