I Struggle.

There is a lot of confusion in my life right now in regards to my spirituality and my place in this world. While I am not trying to figure it all out at once, I am really confused about my purpose and what I want to do with my life. I struggle most with my faith and where I stand as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). If you have read my blog you can pretty much document this ongoing and conflicting struggle between my faith and the rest of my person. I believe the church is true. I love the feeling I get when I read from the scriptures and when I am learning from the Bible and the B.O.M. Every time I am able to attend church or institute I am happy and filled with this peace, but I can't really stand a lot of the people I go with.

I know it is where I currently am that is the problem and not so much the church itself, but it is often hard to remember that outside of this valley members are actually pretty decent. Of course I am not perfect and I try not to come across that way. Heavenly Father is well aware of my faults and I am very well aware of them as well. The fact that I have acknowledged on this blog (and recently) that I have broken several commandments and own up to it is I think a big step; but my goal in sharing that isn't some weird way of repenting. I just have this odd open door policy with this blog. I know what I have done isn't the greatest, but what I struggle with is the fact that I don't neccessarily feel guilty about it. I do regret drinking since I have yet to have that great of an end to those evenings, but the going and doing isn't what I would take back...just the quantity.

Reading this I suppose I would be considered a Jack Mormon (as much as I detest that word). If I was a Molly I would probably faint in shock from reading this, but luckily I am jaded enough to not be shocked with my behavior. I take responsibility for my actions and I do not blane any specific person or people for my going inactive. I am trying to stay afloat and lately have been taking steps to get slightly more involved. I have been a member for four years and in that time I have hit some spiritual highs and deep deep lows. All through it though I have kept a testimony. To some that may not mean anything, but to me it means the world.

I am doing what I can and that is all that matters right now. Baby steps. Small baby steps, but steps nevertheless.