Doing What I Can

It's hard. This living thing is hard. Most days I just want to lay in bed all day and not do anything. The effort it takes to constantly breathe sometimes is just simply too much. It always seems though that as soon as my thinking turns darker than is manageable, my husband finds a way to shine light into the darkness of my mind.

I was looking at photos of myself over the years. Those times when I hadn't a clue in the world what I was worth. I thought I was ugly and not worth being loved. That I was broken, damaged beyond repair. I grew up fast, and I grew old beyond my physical years. I have been tired and weary for so long; my personal demons weighing and breaking me down further and further.

All of that changed when I met Jonathan. I had never felt so compelled towards another as I did him. I was taken in by his honesty and how willing he was to share his own demons with me. I had just wanted a friend, someone to talk to and hangout with since our friends got married. I ended up with so much more.

Sometimes my husband takes both my demons and his upon his back, just so I can breathe and find my strength again. Other times (not as often as I would like) he lets me shoulder his load for awhile. We're working together to help each other live. He makes me want to live, he makes me want to see what the future has and without having to plan everything out right now! He inspires me to dream and hope for things I haven't in a long while, and he listens with a calm and loving patience.

We are by no means perfect, we're as damaged as they get, but we were made for each other in a way I don't expect many to understand. We only dated for a little over a month before we got engaged, but everyday he proves to me that Heavenly Father led us to each other right when we needed it.

I don't know how this turned into a post about my awesome husband, but hey it's what needed to come out apparently. So if anyone is reading this, don't be afraid to get up and live, find someone or something worth living for. I'm learning to live for myself through my husband's help, but we all have the ability to love ourselves no matter how hard life may seem.

Don't worry lovelies, it gets better.

How far we come.

Looking back on older blog posts I have realized just how far I have come from who I was in 2009 when I started this blog. Yes I am still the sappy love sick woman I always have been, but slowly I've written about more than just my struggles with love. I want to tell cb people that if they want to really know me they should read things I've posted, but than I know I'll end up censoring posts/ be embarrassed by things I wrote about years ago.

I guess it's the same for every blogger out there though, we all post things we look back on in embarrassment. Heck, I read all of them tonight and just barely realized how personal I get in them. This has become a personally public diary of sorts for me over the years and I look back and see who I was and with some of my posts all I can do is shake my head in regret.
Don't mistake what I'm saying, I do not regret my life experiences. Very little in my life is worth changing. Most of my regrets are from this past year or so, but the younger me has to stay the same. I went through a lot to get to where I am and where I am is a pretty rocking place y'know?

So yes I've had many (slightly obsessive) "loves" and posted a great deal about it, but if you look close enough you'll see the struggles of a young woman looking for her own special person and place in this world. I've delved a lot over the years into my depression and struggles with my self-esteem and body image. I've shared loss of loved ones and joys of others and personal anecdotes of day to day adventures.

This blog is my life. It's a little piece of me thrown out there onto the internet. I'm not perfect and neither is this blog, but it's me and that's what makes it so great. I don't pretend to be normal and I never will. So I hope you enjoy it, I hope you read it, and I hope that in some way it changes you and gives you a new perspective of your world through someone else's experiences.

Another year down

So my birthday was a couple weeks ago and I found myself where I normally am around that thine of year. I get so super reflective that it's almost depressing. This year was a bit different in that I have the hubby with me and my life is so completely different than I thought it would be, and it is different in all the right ways.

This last year I managed (in no particular order)to lose and regain my two best friends, I got married, changed jobs, moved out on my own (no roommates til the hubs), actually lost weight, cut my hair, learned to accept the help of others, learned to somewhat be okay with myself, Read the whole Book of Mormon, made homemade bread, cooked in general, saw my brother Zachary for the first time in forever, and so much more.

A year ago on my birthday I was a couple weeks away from having my best friend get married, I was thinking I was going to be alone forever after finding out I had kissed another frog, I hated my job, felt trapped at home, and was depressed in general. I wanted to go on a mission or move or do something, but Heavenly Father kept telling me to wait. A few weeks later Jonathan and I started talking and the rest is history.

I've come so far in a year and I know that this next one is going to be just as brilliant. I didn't do much for my bday as far as celebrating goes. I had requested the day off so it was nice to just relax at home. Jonathan got me the FireFly series and a HUGE rice krispy treat (and I mean huge)and than we went and had dinner...I forget where though haha I think inside scoop. My memory is so shoddy.

Anyways it was another quite birthday after another hectic year. Here's to this next one and hopefully it's as crazy wonderful as the last!

The one where we clean

I'm going through a cleaning process in my life. Both in the home and in my heart. It sounds so cheesy to admit it, but there is a much needed, uh, need for it.

Homewise we haven't been very good with the cleaning. A photo has been attached of the state our living room has been in for TWO WHOLE MONTHS!!!!! I HAVE to do something about it and soon! We've been tackling the kitchen together thankfully, but I want to get this place nice looking so we can have people over and not be ashamed or have to make excuses. Also I always feel better with a clean environment. I once was told a clean home invites the Holy Ghost to reside in it...you know the whole" no unclean thing" and it totally makes sense. Why would we feel The Spirit if we are living in filfth?

Heartwise I am striving to be more spiritually minded. We haven't been doing so hot on reading the scriptures and praying. If we cook together we say a prayer, but we don't often have that opportunity. Some spiritual support I am right? The guilt is even worse when I think about how we should be working on being temple worthy. We are paying tithing though so that's a good start, but we need to actually get to church. A few of the weekends I have had to work, but sometimes I just end up sleeping through and I end up kicking myself over it. Satan knows just how to hold me back from my full potential and at times it feels like I just let the stinker win. Well not anymore!

We've promised each other that we'll do our best to help the other be more spiritually minded and we are making Christ the center of our home and marriage. Sometimes all we need is a little bit of cleaning up to put us in the right mindset. :)

The one with the dream

So I woke up this morning cracking up and the hubs was looking at me like I am crazy. What was the cause of the hilarity?

I had a dream and for some reason I called someone in it a toilet. Apparently it was very hilarious and I laughed for a solid ten minutes before drifting back to sleep.

I don't remember what the wording was exactly or what was even happening but I do remember crying because I was breathlessly trying to explain just what was so hilarious to Jonathan.

Poor guy just called me crazy and rolled over and went back to sleep. He must love me so to put up with such shenanigans. Apparently it's a common occurrence in the Saunders household. I talk a lot in my sleep and he will amuse himself by interacting with me.

And all I get from him is mumbles...:(

Aaaand sleep fails me

Work will be here soon and I know once the alarm goes off I am going to regret not trying just a wee bit harder to sleep. It's hard sometimes to tell my brain to shut up and go to aleep. Especially when said brain is simply refusing to pay you any mind. Stupid head.

Well since we're here let's chat a bit. For those of you who are possibly just joining the conversation I bid you welcome. This is the Adventures of Nadia (Me) and most , if not all of these posts, offer insight into my small insignificant dent on this planet. For those who have been a part of the conversation for awhile, I thank you ....also you can stop worrying about my baby post. It's not happening. Not for awhile. Let's just say I came to my senses and realized I am incredibly selfish and want my husband all to me for as long as Heavenly Father will allow it. I know everything happens in its own time and I'm claiming temporary insanity brought on by pinterest and facebook. Babies are everywhere and its like some kind of adorable plague!

Well tata for now....the hubs will be home soon and will be quite upset that I have yet again failed to sleep when I should. Poor dear worries about it more than he should. Definitely going to use it as an excuse for a snuggle naptime tomorrow!!

Birthday wishes..

How do you tell someone that what you want for your birthday is something they cN't give to you right now/ won't give to you? How do you explain that the very gift on your mind is something you shouldn't want? See the hubs keeps asking what I want for my birthday in a few weeks and all that keeps popping into my mind is a baby. ...I know. We've been married for almost two months and already I got baby on the brain. I'm thinking exposure to all these pregnant women and newborns is to blame. I can't get the idea out of my head and its driving me nuts. I already know the arguements for not having one right now, but it still just won't leave! *sigh* The worst part is that I don't even know how to tell him and i'm too scared/ embarassed about my change of heart to say anything. I've been saying since day one that I don't want any right away and now its on my mind waaaay to often to even be comfortable about.

I've been stressing about this and I keep trying to talk myself out of it. We don't have the money, we don't have any school finished, our apartment isn't big enough, I don't have insurance, we just got married, and a whole list of other things that make valid arguements...and than it all goes away in the blink of an eye. Every. Single. Arguement. *POOF* Gone with the wind, never to be seen again. At least until the next day when the cycle begins again.

What's a girl to do? Can someone out there lend a hand or some helpful advice?