Working it out..and off

Tonight I walked two miles...its part of my effort to fit into a size 9. I am being perfectly healthy about it even though I know my mentality isn't. I feel HUGE even though I know I am not. Most of my problems stem from the fact that I view myself as unattractive and the fact that I have a permanent food baby. It doesn't help that I have been having a difficult time with my depression lately. Makes it hard to be motivated when you have no faith or love, for yourself. I wish I could be back to jow I was when I graduated high school. I ballooned after that. I know when it started but I am too ashamed to admit it outloud. I have been curbing how much I eat lately and am working out now. Hopefully working out twice a day will help.

Can it be?

Over a year later and I still feel that irge to serve a mission. My heart is sad that I haven't gone. I worry that if I go I will lose all I have built with Robert. I know that is a selfish thing, but he is important to me.
I am starting to prepare...well trying to be stronger in faith and gaining a knowledge of the gospel and the church. Barbara and I will be living the mission schedule soon and we are both considering it. I just don't want to regret not going. I don't want to ignore this feeling. I am not running from anything this time and I am in a somewhat better place than before. I still have things to work on, but I think I can do it.

Its me!!

Lately I have been feeling this crushing weight. This unbearable sadness that I can't explain or umderstand. This time of my life should be so exciting and fun and I feel completely not a part of it. I'm putting this front. This wall of "everything is okay" so as to keep everyone at a distance. Truth is I want to dissappear. To just vanish and be on my own. I am tired of trying and working for nothing when no one else is helping. How did I get here? Why do I feel alone even when I am surrounded? Can it be that I really am? Todays lesson is that no one is more profoundly sad than one who laughs too much.

New beginnings

Well people I am sitting at home wishing Robert was here to snuggle with me. My roomies are off with their boyfriends and I am sitting here without mine...again. Sad sad day. I am thinking about calling him and getting him over here. Its raining and quite windy which is odd for july. 
The weather has been stormy all week which is nice to not have triple digits but golly it sucks with the humidity!!! I think I have found my true calling though. I am going to pursue a degree in photography. I have really been enjoying editing the photos I took of Charlie and Eden's wedding and that day I had such a blast taking photos. I noticed that I am taking a lot of pride in my work and I am looking forward to their reactions. Hopefully they like them!!!!
I have been thinking of going to Switzerland for a year. Maybe take some french classes and go to school out there. I am looking into it, but am also considering England. I asked Robert if he would consider going with me. I think he might depending on what I come up with.
Work has been great with being a manager and all. I am going to be taking the classes soon so yay pay raises and yay experience!!! I already open and close by myself. I am going to stick with it as best I can and hopefully something comes of it. I feel good where I am at with work and now with the photography I think I have finally settled into something good for me. Huzzah!!!

Loving it!

I am all moved out of my parents house and into my new apartment! YAY YAY YAY!!!! I went and bought an air matress to sleep on until I go and get a bed frame and than a matress haha but for now I sleep pretty well and I absolutely love living there! I can walk literally across the street to work and I am downtown so EVERYTHING is down there. The cheaper gas station, the grocery store, and the restaurants! Of course I am still driving into Vegas for school and what not but that isn't really a big deal especially now that Robert has been driving down with me. School is much more fun when I go in with him! I love him and he is certainly a plus in my life!

I applied to work at SunWarrior today since they are hiring. I am letting Meressa and Madison know (two of my roomies) so that they can put in a good word for me....you know...help a sister out! Barbara is applying too and that would be so great if we both got to work there! I would be able to work full time and make a decent amount of money and I wouldn't have the same BS that I get from working at McDonald's. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed working there, but I am just...no...no more!

Working out has been okay. My calves have been developing nicely from going up and down the stairs everyday. I just now have to make sure to do more in depth working out in order to get into shape. Sometimes I wonder how Robert can even be attracted to me. I mean seriously I can eat just about the same that he can and although he is skinny the man can pack it away! I weigh more than he does and I can pick him up but he can't do the same to me. Yeah okay so I am used to lifting heavy things since I do that at work, but it is kind of sad that I am too heavy for my own boyfriend to lift up!

Anyways I have to go catch up on Glee. The apartment doesn't have inernet so I do what I can while at school!

Really now?

So I am sick. I have a bacterial sinus infection which means I am contagiously sick. I work at a restaurant where I handle food and interact with people. Being contagious is a health risk and I can't work in that environment otherwise others will get sick. Stupid me forgot to get a doctor's note because I was more concerned about getting the medication he prescribed. I went to the local pharmacy and was waiting for it to open (got there during their lunch break) when I run into some people I know. Hey it's a small town, it was bound to happen. We chat it up for a bit and reminisce about the weekend's events and than we seperate and get what we need. I turn in my prescription and grab a box of mucinex and they grab donuts (pharmacy and the only town grocery store combined). We pay together and than leave. I call into work letting them know that I can't work and won't be coming in. The manager says he will help me out and calls the store manager. Simple enough right? WRONG! Apparently my little trip to the pharmacy was seen by the store manager and since I was seen talking to people that I apparently knew (and in a town with no stoplights it is easy to know everyone) I was not sick in their eyes. In fact I was healthy enough to work since I was healthy enough to be out in public! GAH!!! So I call people to try and get them to cover my shift but noooooo everyone has plans. Like....really...the one time I call in to work sick or call anyone to cover my shift no one can cover for me and I can't stay home. What kind of rudeness is that? I mean I have switched shifs, worked later for people, and even come in on days off but NO ONE can do the same for me? What in the hell?

So my mom confiscated my phone and left a voicemail for those who would call to hear letting everyone know that I am not fit to work right now or to hang out. I love her. The meds make me so sleepy and I can't drive or operate heavy machinery. Whoopee right? I am going in on Monday to get that Doctor's note just so they can't say I was playing hooky from work. Seriosuly I dropped like 100 dollars on meds. No way in hell would I be paying that much just to not go to work. In other news though I have managed to get my tax return filed for this year and should be getting the money this week or next, which is just in time for the whole me moving in thing hahaha which is still happening! I am so excited and I can't wait! Barbara wants to move stuff in this week, which I hope to be able to do. I am going up to Provo on Thursday for Roy's wedding and I am super excited about it!!!

Despite being sick, things are looking up.

Oh and to those that think "If she can blog she isn't sick" really now? Typing is not that difficult to do. Look at those who drunk text. A monkey can type.

The Best Thing

It's been almost a year since we started dating and I can't express how much my life has changed and been bettered by him. We started out as friends and that friendship grew. I know I kind of threw myself at him shamelessly at times, and rather straightforwardly told him how I felt about him. I even asked him on a pseudo-date to Las Vegas without even telling him it was a date! That day was amazingly fun and I realized that I spent the entire time talking to him and sharing things. I opened up in a way I hadn't with any other guy. I fell in love with him that day.

We've grown together as time has gone on and we have defied the predictions others had of how long we would last. Our friendship is a great one and our relationship has been a high point in my life. He is the one constant in my life. The one thing (well person) I have come to rely on in my hectic and ever changing life. He really is probably the best I will ever get. Of course I will probably end up looking stupid if we end up breaking up, but for right now, at this very moment in the timeline of my life I can say with all my heart that I love him.

My favorite of us.

I know I am not the perfect girlfriend or the perfect person. Sometimes (most of the time) I can be a handful and I know my romantic tendencies and delusions often get ahead of me. I try though and I can only hope that he knows that.

Robert if you are reading this, I love you and I want you to be happy no matter what that might mean for me or for us.