The Ongoing Struggle

For the last...oh I don't know...7 years of my life I have struggled with my self image and my weight. Tonight I was looking back at photos of myself and gradually over the years you can see I tend to not be in photos or I have adapted ways to cover my "problem" areas. The first thing I notice in photos of me is my stomach area. I worry that everyone else can see what I see, but usually people just look at me and wonder what I am talking about. Yes I know I am overweight, but my problem is mainly I am not comfortable with other people knowing and seeing that you know?

It makes for interesting happenings with my relationships with friends, family, and significant others in general. Lately I probably seem obsessed with working out and losing weight to them, and to be honest I have been. Everyday, no matter how I am feeling I push myself to workout and I keep thinking that I will wake up with the body I want the next day. I know it doesn't work that way so I am trying not to let myself think that way. What scares me is that I know my way of thinking and the way I see myself is in no ways healthy. I feel like a whale and I see this way bigger version of what I used to be and it kills me inside.

I am only 50 lbs overweight and while some people have it worse, that is still a lot of weight to lose. I think my main frustration lately is that I have been working out and even eating better, but I have only lost close to ten pounds. Sure I have been gaining muscle, but I still look the same! It pisses me off to no end to work and push myself and do all that I should (eating right, drinking water, excercising) and NOTHING. I am not giving up, but can't I just lose the weight already? I am stopping when I hit 145 lbs and that is in no way an unhealthy weight, but honestly I am tired of being fat.

I feel so unpretty most all the time and I try to wear some makeup or do my hair in an attempt to make myself look nicer, but that is just this big fake fix and so time consuming and it gets me nowhere. I know I probably sound like I am whining and complaining. BOO HOO that I am overweight...yeah I know it doesn't melt off when I sleep. I get it. The problem is that I have ALWAYS struggled with how I look and what weight I am. Honestly it started in elementary school. I remember weighing myself on my stepmom's scale hoping that the number didn't move up. In middle school I was mortified when I hit 100 lbs. I felt huge than and didn't want anyone to know despite the fact that I was a skeleton. When I graduated high school I weighed 175 and I hated myself for it. Back then I felt fat and unattractive compared to the girls in my town.

Those feelings and anxieties have only increased with time. It's a wonder that I have achieved any level of intimacy in my relationship. I barely let Robert touch my stomach because it is "squishy" and I feel like he deserves someone....idk smaller than him. I know he loves me for who I am and as I am. The problem is that I don't love the body I am in. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic and everything I wear is golden, but holy fetch does that turn around so quickly!

I don't know why I am all of a sudden posting this for the world to read, perhaps I just want someone to see my story and know that they are not alone. Maybe it is some weird twisted form of therapy for me. Either way it is here. Do with it what you may.

Punching A Baby

That is what the Ramp it Up dvd of the Slim in 6 workout made me want to do while simultaneously vomiting. Seriously I am so effing sore right now I can barely type. It was worth it though and I can't wait until I do it again tomorrow. No wonder people lose around 25 lbs to 40 in the 6 weeks. GAH!!!! Of course I am more looking to get into shape and lose wight, but the in shape part is what I am really going for. I don't necessarily want to be skinny. I just want to get rid of the excess body fat and tighten those muscles. And let me tell you that those muscles are tightening alright. Seriously my arms are toning quite nicely and my thighs and calves are coming along as well. My stomach and midsection is going to be harder, but I do feel a difference from before I started the workout.

I started the Ramp it Up a few days early since I am going away this weekend and won't be able to really workout. Hopefully though I can get some form of workout done! I am excited though to see if any of my family or even Robert notices. I haven't seen him in a bit and I haven't seen any of my family in California in almost a year. Barbara said it looks like I have lost weight and it is true...I have lost almost ten pounds already and I can't wait to lose more! I am hoping by the end of this year I can be down to at least 150. I am just taking things 10 lbs at a time so it doesn't seem like such a daunting number to try and lose.

Well I am off to bed to try and sleep and let my body recover. Got a long day tomorrow prepping for the trip and going to Vegas with Barbara! Getting my haircut and going shopping!

Some Never Grow

I thought I was done with Chelsey, but I guess the saga isn't over yet. Today at work our former landlady came in and talked to me about the power bill. It wasn't a big deal and I told her she would get her money tomorrow. Apparently though Chelsey came into my work later and told my coworkers that I owe her 200 dollars for the power bill.

What. The. Fetch.

The amount I owe  is only 50 and I do not owe Chelsey that money. Needless to say that she was rather inappropriate with it all and I am rather sad that she felt it necessary to go about things this way. I just needed to vent....I apologize.

Anyways I have been doing really good with working out and eating right. Hopefully things get better with my weight and getting into shape. I am feeling really good about it and am confident I am doing good. I am feeling an impressive amount of tonage going on right now considering I wasn't toned at all before. YAY for that!!!!

This weekend I am going to California with Robert, Barbara, and Kenny for my birthday. We are going to Sea World and the San Pedro Fish Market. I am super excited about the Sea World part....I get to refresh my love of Marine Biology....huzzah!!!! I am thinking about going to school for that again. Start off where I started....hopefully it works itself out soon.

This is it...

If I was to get a tattoo this would be it. With words saying "Imagine the Impossible" under the seeds floating away. Or the words wouldn't be there at all.

Yes yes tattoos are bad and ruin our bodies. I know the lecture.

...but still it is nice to dream.

On this day...

Ten years ago the United States of America was struck by terrorists attacks. The World Trade Center in New York, the Pentagon in Washington D.C., and Flight which was headed for the White House all meet a horrible end as people seeking to destroy our country attacked symbols of our wealth and power.
After the attacks the nation collected itself and rallied together to face off against those that sought to destroy us. Everyone who can remember that day will always remember what they were doing. It is hard to believe that ten years ago I was in the 7th grade and getting ready for school when the first tower was hit. My dad was watching the news as usual but I didn't really pay attention. It wasn't until I was already at school when I realized that something major had occurred.
That entire day was spent watching the news. Now the content probably wasn't appropriate for middle schoolers but everyone was too shocked to take their eyes off the screen. One of my teachers waited anxiously for a call from family in New York, unsure if everyone was okay. Another cried as she told us that what we were watching was real and not in some distant land.
September 11, 2001 was the first time I understood that our country was not indestructible, that we were capable of being wounded on our own soil and not some foreign war. I imagined that we could understand how those who were alive during Pearl Harbor felt. I felt empathy and sympathy for the first time in my short life.  I was just about to turn 11 and was forced to try and understand why something like this would happen to anyone. My birthday that year was themed with Red, White, and Blue. I just remember thinking that it felt wrong to celebrate when so many wouldn't be able to.  It had been a rough year as well since my grandfather haf just died, but what got me to get the confusion was an overwhelming gratitude for still being alive.
Yes we were attacked and yes our country has been scarred and terrorized, but we could do all we can to remain alive and to never forget that day. Not just what we were doing, but to remeber who and what we lost. My heart goes out to all those who were and affected by the events of that day. I pray that they can find peace and comfort and an appreciation for the life they have. Let us all do our part to draw together as a country and to show the world that we have learned and grown from that experience.

Remember and Never Forget.

Its a full on battle

Oh it's on weightloss...it's on!!!

I am so pumped and excited about working out and losing weight. Right now I am focusing on losing some weight before my birthday which is in three weeks, but my main goal is to lose at the minimum of 40 lbs by the end of the year. This past week I have gained some weight BUT that is the muscle I have built with running and doing toning excercises. Considering the most excercise I have done in forever was walking at work...yeah its improvement. Hopefully I can get more consistent with it. I have been going maybe two or three times a week but for my goals I need to workout everyday at first.

Running sucks but its one of the best ways to lose weight. If we had a pool open here I would swim constantly. I am thinking of going down on thursdays with Robert to Vegas and joining a gym or something. I can probably get Barbara to join me. Since swimming is easy for me and I know I could spend hours swimming and working out. One gym day a week isnt bad at all and it will get me out of the valley at least once a week.

All I know is this weight is coming off.

My room currently

It is a mess isnt it????? Hopefully soon it wont look so much like a nest!!

Monologue of my heart

Lately I have grooving to that Lady Gaga song You and I. It speaks to me on a level that I can't properly explain anywhere other than on here. I am sure people will read this and come to assumptions about who or what I am talking about, but to be perfectly honest, they will be wrong. I digress. The song makes me remember that feeling I had one day when I was living in Provo. I was up all night and unable to sleep because I was wrestling with my soul. So I decided I was going to run it away and I took off on a late night/ early morning jog. I ended up at the Provo Temple 30 minutes later and was astounded to see people actually arriving there. It had to be around 4 in the morning when that happened. I was shocked but I didn't bother them and they didn't bother me. I sat there on a bench for two hours before getting up and running/ walking back home.
The entire time I sat there I cried and poured my heart out to no one and everyone. I knew that God was listening so I just said whatever was bothering me. I guess you could say that I just let go and once I was going I couldn't stop. With recent things going on I feel that sense of wrestling again and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel this huge sense of loss and dissapointment and I don't want to and I know I shouldn't. It should have been mine you know? I should be the one experiencing these things, that rush, but instead I have what I have and I am trying to be happy, I am trying not to bring everyone around me down. The other day Robert told me that I have this sad look all the time and it bothers him because he never knows what to do or if he is the cause of it. I didn't want to tell him that he isn't the only one that has told me that.
I feel so lost lately, like a part of me has just left or died. I have to try twice as hard to make it seem like I am okay, when really all I want to do is pull a Rip Van Winkle. Someone once asked me if I have ever thought about killing myself. My answer is always no, but I wouldn't be opposed to sleeping for a good long while. Somedays I feel like doing that, just not waking up...idk if I could hit a reset button on my life I think I would. Maybe just disappear and start life new somewhere where no one knew my life story or really knew me. I could recreate myself and forget about all the hurt I carry with me. I could forget them and what they have done. I could be free to dream and achieve all I have wanted without someone telling me that I won't make it or I won't be successful or say "Be realistic Nadia." The problem with me is that no matter how realistic I am, I wasn't born to be that way. For as long as I can remember I have always given in to fantasy and the world of fiction. I live to dream.
Perhaps that is where the problem is. I can only be the real me while in my head. I only let people see about 10% of who I really am. The fact that I am more open on this blog than I am in person says a lot to me and probably to whoever reads this. I'm sure at some point my boyfriend and or my other friends and family will read this, the fact that I don't care is what I am really worried about. If I didn't want people to see this or to read it I wouldn't put it out there right? I sometimes feel like I am a pigeon in a flock if flamingoes and sometimes it is the other way around. I guess it just depends on the day.
I miss that feeling, the feeling of being chased and pursued. I feel like I have to lose the weight I have gained in order to really feel like I am wanted. The enthusiasm showed when my impending weight loss is discussed cuts me deeper than anything. I mean....why not show that drive, that need now? Am I really not that attractive as I am? Yes Yes I actually do WANT and NEED to lose weight, but please don't make me feel like I am not that desirable unless I lose weight. I don't need my body ravished nightly or anything like that, but I don't want to know that you can't wait til that day I can wear a bikini. I know once I lose weight I will be getting attention from all directions and that is mainly what pisses me off most. Everyone loves my personality, but because I am not some size friggin 2 I am overlooked a whole lot in a lot of situations. I am so tired of how society looks at women and men in general. I LIKE having some substance. I will admit that I am a chunky monkey, but damn it I don't need you to tell me that!
I should start writing again, not finish my old story, but recreate it. I have changed and the story has changed with me. The characters are changing as I am, seeing as they are all versions of me and those I hold dear. I hope to finish it by the end of the year, but I am giving myself til the summer before I actually try and get the thing published. I miss writing and I know that I should continue with it. Hopefully it leads somewhere.

Today's thought is this. The job does not often define the person.

Full Circle

Well I am back home now....at my parents. But to save my dignity and pride, I can say that I am paying them rent each month and not so much crashing at their house. Yeah I know, being back home and not on my own is kind of a lame thing for one my age. I should be out there living life and yada yada yada. I get it...cut the apron strings. All I have to say is that I have been blessed with parents kind enough to help me out and to let me help them. I am so not going to be spitting in their faces and not admit when I need help. They raised me better than that.

Interestingly enough I enjoy being back home. I have internet and I get to interact with them more and see them more. I have a ton of stuff though in my room now and it is a bit crowded at the moment, but I am going through all my shoes and clothes and tossing those which I have not worn in a year or didn't even know I had. It's part of my weight loss plan. If I don't hang on to my "fat clothes" I will be forced to lose weight and buy new (smaller) clothes! Barbara and I have been trying to walk a few miles each night and to get some running in, but with our mismatched schedules and my not being able to leave late at night....we have to figure a new thing out. I am doing my workout dvd and striving to have healthy goals for my weightloss, but to be honest I just want to be able to wear a bikini and look....well...HOT in it.

I strive for so much.

Random musings

Sometimes no matter how simply you put something, the person you are talking to is still not going to understand it.
You never know just how strong you are until you have to move a queen sized mattress up a flight of stairs by yourself.
The ghosts of Not Me and I Don't Know will follow you from home to work or to wherever. Be prepared for their presence.
Sometimes you have to be the pigeon in a flock of flamingoes. People tend to respond better when you stand out in a quiet way.