For the last...oh I don't know...7 years of my life I have struggled with my self image and my weight. Tonight I was looking back at photos of myself and gradually over the years you can see I tend to not be in photos or I have adapted ways to cover my "problem" areas. The first thing I notice in photos of me is my stomach area. I worry that everyone else can see what I see, but usually people just look at me and wonder what I am talking about. Yes I know I am overweight, but my problem is mainly I am not comfortable with other people knowing and seeing that you know?
It makes for interesting happenings with my relationships with friends, family, and significant others in general. Lately I probably seem obsessed with working out and losing weight to them, and to be honest I have been. Everyday, no matter how I am feeling I push myself to workout and I keep thinking that I will wake up with the body I want the next day. I know it doesn't work that way so I am trying not to let myself think that way. What scares me is that I know my way of thinking and the way I see myself is in no ways healthy. I feel like a whale and I see this way bigger version of what I used to be and it kills me inside.
I am only 50 lbs overweight and while some people have it worse, that is still a lot of weight to lose. I think my main frustration lately is that I have been working out and even eating better, but I have only lost close to ten pounds. Sure I have been gaining muscle, but I still look the same! It pisses me off to no end to work and push myself and do all that I should (eating right, drinking water, excercising) and NOTHING. I am not giving up, but can't I just lose the weight already? I am stopping when I hit 145 lbs and that is in no way an unhealthy weight, but honestly I am tired of being fat.
I feel so unpretty most all the time and I try to wear some makeup or do my hair in an attempt to make myself look nicer, but that is just this big fake fix and so time consuming and it gets me nowhere. I know I probably sound like I am whining and complaining. BOO HOO that I am overweight...yeah I know it doesn't melt off when I sleep. I get it. The problem is that I have ALWAYS struggled with how I look and what weight I am. Honestly it started in elementary school. I remember weighing myself on my stepmom's scale hoping that the number didn't move up. In middle school I was mortified when I hit 100 lbs. I felt huge than and didn't want anyone to know despite the fact that I was a skeleton. When I graduated high school I weighed 175 and I hated myself for it. Back then I felt fat and unattractive compared to the girls in my town.
Those feelings and anxieties have only increased with time. It's a wonder that I have achieved any level of intimacy in my relationship. I barely let Robert touch my stomach because it is "squishy" and I feel like he deserves someone....idk smaller than him. I know he loves me for who I am and as I am. The problem is that I don't love the body I am in. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic and everything I wear is golden, but holy fetch does that turn around so quickly!
I don't know why I am all of a sudden posting this for the world to read, perhaps I just want someone to see my story and know that they are not alone. Maybe it is some weird twisted form of therapy for me. Either way it is here. Do with it what you may.
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