Tonight reminded me of how I felt a year ago. I was living in Provo and I was miserable even though I really didn't have a reason to be. I just wanted to start over somewhere where no one knew me or knew how to find me. I packed my things in the car and was heading North towards Idaho and than from there I had no idea where I was going to go. I just figured I would stop when I got into some quaint mountain town or something and than live there.
Those feelings came back to me tonight. I see myself stuck in this Valley and while I have good reasons to stay, I feel trapped. I was sitting at the reservoir near my house and I was just listening to the crickets and the feeling the light breeze on me and I thought "Man this is what I want" I want some place quiet and cut off from the world. Some place where I don't have to worry about people or the stresses of life. I want to be the author who lives a secluded life on some quiet lake in a cabin writing and drinking a cup of tea. Sure I would get visits form my family and I would visit them, but outside of the occasional one I would have solitude. Now for those who know me, they might be shocked that this social butterfly would be rejecting society in the social sense, but in reality I am content by myself and I don't need frequent social calls to make me feel happy. I do though know that I would miss the companionship that Robert provides, as well as, Zach and yes...even Katie. If I could take them with me (providing they would come) I would in a heartbeat.
Sometimes I feel like Robert and I are the opposite sides of a coin but at the same time we are the same side. I don't see him as much with school and work now, but we talk everyday. It just isn't the same as when I am with him in person. I love him and I am constantly astounded by his love for me. I honestly don't know how I got him or how he even fell in love with me! I smile all the time when I think of him and seeing him makes me smile inside. My word when he kisses me I feel like I am going to burst into flame! I am happy.
Oh right! Ultimate tonight was pretty fun. I showed up and there were a TON of people there and so I walked up and noticed Breanna sitting on the sidelines so I sat with her. We both weren't playing because with that many people we never get passed to so we figured we would wait til people left. It was fun just sitting and talking with her and musing over who was there. I haven't really talked to her in awhile and it was fantastic just goofing off with her! When we started to play we came up with these weird animal calls we would send to each other to let each other know we were open. She did this weird Ostrich call and I would go "CA CAW" and even flap my arms a bit. Everyone looked at us like we were on something, but I think they were just jealous they couldn't pull it off as cool as we did! I did enjoy myself tonight and I even managed to be civil with Charlie (who BTW has recently apologized for his behavior of late). Overall it wasn't a bad night. I got to see Robert and Zach and I was sad to leave them, but they both had things to do. I even got to eat dinner with my family tonight! HUZZAH!
School is going well although I am starting to realize that people in general are a lot dumber than I originally believed. Maybe it's just that I have a higher intelligence (yes people I am actually smarter than I appear...graduated high school with HONORS), but I am beginning to think that the de-evolution of humanity is really starting to show. I am enjoying what I am learning though and I am learning quite well to not give incredulous looks when someone says something completely idiotic. My eye still twitches though, but I don't really believe that can be helped.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
What I did for love.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just curl up in a ball and lay for til the world finally ends. I try and try to hide and put on a brave face and act like I am happy and fine but the truth is I would rather just not step outside of my room anymore. I don't want to go out and play or go out and study or go out and work. It is an effort just to get up in the morning, let alone outside of my room. I am trying so hard to be this happy person and to just...be normal. I wish sometimes people would look past my smile and just see the emptiness in it.
Tonight everyone is going and playing ultimate and I am going to go but I don't think I am going to play. I might just watch from a distance. I will post later the night's events.
Tonight everyone is going and playing ultimate and I am going to go but I don't think I am going to play. I might just watch from a distance. I will post later the night's events.
Monday, September 20, 2010
My own subconscious
Lately I have been having problems sleeping, mainly because I should be on meds but have been too cheap to buy them, but there is a deeper problem as to why I am not sleeping. Something is troubling my soul. Well two things actually. One is my struggle with where I am in regards to the Church and the second is in regards to where I am in my heart.
I have been dealing with something for about a year now. A decision I have to make concerning church and where I stand. I am not going to detail it here, but it is something I am losing sleep over and getting really depressed about. I feel a great deal of sadness and I know that there are only two solutions to it. I either bear it up and continue on the path I "should" be taking....or I simply don't. It is hard because no matter what I decide there are a ton of people around me who will suffer and I can't be responsible for the ones I love suffering. It would kill me. I still have faith and I still believe, but it isn't the same as it once was. It has changed and in a good way, I believe. My priorities in life have changed. I don't strive to be what other's think I should be. I am striving to be all I can be. My goals for life are not necessarily the goals that the church has for me. I suppose by posting this I may get into some trouble, but I am at least being honest about it. I can't pretend anymore. I can't act as if I am happy. Sure some could say I am too blame for this, that I haven't been trying hard enough to succeed in Church. That I haven't been applying my faith dilligently enough, and I admit that recently I haven't. But a year ago I did. I did and was doing EVERYTHING I was supposed to be doing. Reading my scriptures, praying daily, attending church, paying tithing, the works....and when things kept getting worse it was either "trials to test my faith" or "I am not applying myself hard enough". I am trying and have been trying. I just wonder when the trials will end. Seems like everyone else doesn't have as many as I have recieved. I mean people have actually told me that I seem to have above average trials. Why is that?
The second thing keeping me awake at night is my heart. With everything I am so confused. I dream and I see one person, but than they become another, and than they become a hybrid of the two and their names change and the situation is always the same. One person starts more in my dreams than the other and I hate going to sleep because I wake up and feel guilty and I think "why am i dreaming of them?" I have searched deep and I know I don't feel the same about that person, but I keep second guessing myself. I am scared for a few months from now. I don't know what to expect and that terrifies me. I worry all the time about what will happen and what I will do.
I have been dealing with something for about a year now. A decision I have to make concerning church and where I stand. I am not going to detail it here, but it is something I am losing sleep over and getting really depressed about. I feel a great deal of sadness and I know that there are only two solutions to it. I either bear it up and continue on the path I "should" be taking....or I simply don't. It is hard because no matter what I decide there are a ton of people around me who will suffer and I can't be responsible for the ones I love suffering. It would kill me. I still have faith and I still believe, but it isn't the same as it once was. It has changed and in a good way, I believe. My priorities in life have changed. I don't strive to be what other's think I should be. I am striving to be all I can be. My goals for life are not necessarily the goals that the church has for me. I suppose by posting this I may get into some trouble, but I am at least being honest about it. I can't pretend anymore. I can't act as if I am happy. Sure some could say I am too blame for this, that I haven't been trying hard enough to succeed in Church. That I haven't been applying my faith dilligently enough, and I admit that recently I haven't. But a year ago I did. I did and was doing EVERYTHING I was supposed to be doing. Reading my scriptures, praying daily, attending church, paying tithing, the works....and when things kept getting worse it was either "trials to test my faith" or "I am not applying myself hard enough". I am trying and have been trying. I just wonder when the trials will end. Seems like everyone else doesn't have as many as I have recieved. I mean people have actually told me that I seem to have above average trials. Why is that?
The second thing keeping me awake at night is my heart. With everything I am so confused. I dream and I see one person, but than they become another, and than they become a hybrid of the two and their names change and the situation is always the same. One person starts more in my dreams than the other and I hate going to sleep because I wake up and feel guilty and I think "why am i dreaming of them?" I have searched deep and I know I don't feel the same about that person, but I keep second guessing myself. I am scared for a few months from now. I don't know what to expect and that terrifies me. I worry all the time about what will happen and what I will do.
The Polygamists Wet Dream
Interestingly enough I am apparently a Polygamists dream. Something about me makes them (the males) look at me and think "hmmm...she would make a good wife....maybe a second or a third or even *gasp* a first!" Well at least that is what I am starting to think now. They come through the drive thru at work and are always courteous and nice (well for the most part) and I am always nice back and I smile and make sure their order is right (but of course I do this for everyone) and than I move one. Normally we don't interact outside of order/ money taking, but today was completely different. Here is the actual (well what I can remember) account of how TWO seperate polygamist men hit on me with their wives in the car:
POLYGAMIST 1
He came to my window after ordering chicken nuggets...50 of them...and when he pulled up his wife (one of them probably the first wife) handed him a twenty doller bill and some really random change that slipped out of his hand when he handed me the money. Of course coins go everywhere and I run around inside the store trying to stop them from rolling and I am picking them up and apologizing while blushing really badly. He just laughed and told me not to worry about it and said I could keep the change as a tip. I promptly stopped coin collecting and punched in the twenty. The whole time I was getting his change he kept telling me how great my eyes were and that I had the cutest smile. He kept using my name and asking me questions about myself and he even asked if I was single. (Thank goodness I could honestly answer "no")!
His wife didn't seem to happy and was giving me the stink eye from the front seat, but the other young woman in the back was waving at me and smiling and she even passed along some questions too....it was so weird that they were there on Sunday, but apparently they were on their way home from visiting some family in Moapa *gasp*!!!! If someone hadn't had come up to order food he would have sat there forever talking to me...as it was it took him like three minutes to leave my window....and that first 30 seconds he had already gotten his change. O_O
POLYGAMIST 2
Come rolling up to my window after ordering a caramel frappe (which has coffee). I didn't want to say anything thing but at least two of his wives were pregnant and coffee is sooooo not good for any child, especially those in utero....so I mentioned that people really were gaga over those iceblended coffe drinks (cuz they really are AMAZING) and the shock on their faces were priceless. He didn't believe that they had coffee and I told him that they did and I mentioned that coffee wasn't healthy for unborn babies and he looked so flabberghasted and than he asked if I was LDS...like out of nowhere asked me that and although i haven't been in awhile I said that I am a member and he just smiled really big at me. His wife in the front asked if she could have a smoothie instead and they all ended up changing their order! He kept smiling and he mentioned that I was a sweet girl and very nice looking and he was "amazed" that I wasn't already married. He asked if I lived around where I worked and how long I was going to be working for that evening.....which kinda creeped me out so I said I lived about an hour south and I was closing that evening.
Yeah that is my story on how two polygamist men found me reasonably interesting...you know...for a woman...and one not of their faith. I am seriously so grateful that I am dating Robert...hahaha I tell guys all the time that I am either married, engaged, or taken....it is so much nicer to turn guys down when I have a valid reason to....and what is with them now being interested with me dating someone, but when I was single I hardle ever even went on dates?!
POLYGAMIST 1
He came to my window after ordering chicken nuggets...50 of them...and when he pulled up his wife (one of them probably the first wife) handed him a twenty doller bill and some really random change that slipped out of his hand when he handed me the money. Of course coins go everywhere and I run around inside the store trying to stop them from rolling and I am picking them up and apologizing while blushing really badly. He just laughed and told me not to worry about it and said I could keep the change as a tip. I promptly stopped coin collecting and punched in the twenty. The whole time I was getting his change he kept telling me how great my eyes were and that I had the cutest smile. He kept using my name and asking me questions about myself and he even asked if I was single. (Thank goodness I could honestly answer "no")!
His wife didn't seem to happy and was giving me the stink eye from the front seat, but the other young woman in the back was waving at me and smiling and she even passed along some questions too....it was so weird that they were there on Sunday, but apparently they were on their way home from visiting some family in Moapa *gasp*!!!! If someone hadn't had come up to order food he would have sat there forever talking to me...as it was it took him like three minutes to leave my window....and that first 30 seconds he had already gotten his change. O_O
POLYGAMIST 2
Come rolling up to my window after ordering a caramel frappe (which has coffee). I didn't want to say anything thing but at least two of his wives were pregnant and coffee is sooooo not good for any child, especially those in utero....so I mentioned that people really were gaga over those iceblended coffe drinks (cuz they really are AMAZING) and the shock on their faces were priceless. He didn't believe that they had coffee and I told him that they did and I mentioned that coffee wasn't healthy for unborn babies and he looked so flabberghasted and than he asked if I was LDS...like out of nowhere asked me that and although i haven't been in awhile I said that I am a member and he just smiled really big at me. His wife in the front asked if she could have a smoothie instead and they all ended up changing their order! He kept smiling and he mentioned that I was a sweet girl and very nice looking and he was "amazed" that I wasn't already married. He asked if I lived around where I worked and how long I was going to be working for that evening.....which kinda creeped me out so I said I lived about an hour south and I was closing that evening.
Yeah that is my story on how two polygamist men found me reasonably interesting...you know...for a woman...and one not of their faith. I am seriously so grateful that I am dating Robert...hahaha I tell guys all the time that I am either married, engaged, or taken....it is so much nicer to turn guys down when I have a valid reason to....and what is with them now being interested with me dating someone, but when I was single I hardle ever even went on dates?!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
In My Defense...
I can't be held responsible for anything I do at...late/ early hours of the morning when I am hopped up on adrenaline, pain, and caffeine....like for instance writing ridiculous post on people's facebook walls proclaiming lesbionic love or thanking my mother for not eating me at birth. I can on the otherhand be blamed for agitating my elbow tonight by playing a wicked bad game of Ultimate Frisbee. Yeah I honestly think the ONE WEEK I had my arm in a splint really did nothing in promoting my minor fracture to heal considering I worked the entire time...but anyways lately since I have really been using it my elbow is no longer cooperating and must be bound with an ace bandage. Blasted elbow!
School is going well. If I could get my money back I would drop my Personal Finance class since the professor does not teach, but rather talks about how he "made it". Look it's cool that he is a millionaire and all, but I just want to learn what is in the book....since math is involved I need someone to teach me this accounting math. My other classes though are proving to be challenging in every good way imaginable. Can anyone say 7 to 8 page paper analyzing the movie A Beautiful Mind? SCORE!!!! Seriously this crap is what I came to school for! Challenge me and I will rise to the occasion! Of course is does make for interesting events having Robert there and Kenny as well. Next semester though I need to better plan my schedule....oh AND make sure to get Robert and I into ballroom....hopefully he forgets about me going into fencing....
Lately I have been contemplating my life and where I am at. Yes, that time has come where once a year i really REALLY reflect and often times I get depressed, but this year I am not going to let that happen. Sure I am living at home and I work minimum wage, but at least I have a family who will have me and with this economy I am blessed to have a job of any kind! I have a boyfriend who is amazing and I have friends who get me! What reason do I have to be upset or sad? No dear reader(s) I have no reason to complain. Money is tight and I have some things I have to pay off, but I am doing that to the best of my abilities and I am working on bettering myself. I am living the good old american dream of working hard for a better future! WOO HOO!
School is going well. If I could get my money back I would drop my Personal Finance class since the professor does not teach, but rather talks about how he "made it". Look it's cool that he is a millionaire and all, but I just want to learn what is in the book....since math is involved I need someone to teach me this accounting math. My other classes though are proving to be challenging in every good way imaginable. Can anyone say 7 to 8 page paper analyzing the movie A Beautiful Mind? SCORE!!!! Seriously this crap is what I came to school for! Challenge me and I will rise to the occasion! Of course is does make for interesting events having Robert there and Kenny as well. Next semester though I need to better plan my schedule....oh AND make sure to get Robert and I into ballroom....hopefully he forgets about me going into fencing....
Lately I have been contemplating my life and where I am at. Yes, that time has come where once a year i really REALLY reflect and often times I get depressed, but this year I am not going to let that happen. Sure I am living at home and I work minimum wage, but at least I have a family who will have me and with this economy I am blessed to have a job of any kind! I have a boyfriend who is amazing and I have friends who get me! What reason do I have to be upset or sad? No dear reader(s) I have no reason to complain. Money is tight and I have some things I have to pay off, but I am doing that to the best of my abilities and I am working on bettering myself. I am living the good old american dream of working hard for a better future! WOO HOO!
Friday, September 3, 2010
To My Lover..and NOT Robert...
That is right I have a lover and she is marvelously amazing. Her name is Barbara Becker and she rocks my world. We have been friends for about 5 years now and we have only gotten closer with each passing year. If you didn't know us you would think we were lesbians! (not that being a lesbian is a bad thing but we dig guys). We know everything about each other and we do so much for each other although at times I tend to get her to do the crazier things hahaha but anyways our friendship works and is amazing. In fact the other day she even supported me on a crazy whim I had and let me take pictures of her and pose her hahaha here are some of the photos.
So there you have it. I have SOME talent but I know I need more practice and a better camera. *sigh*
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| This one is my fav |
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| She struck a pose and I took it haha |
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| This pose in skinny jeans...not easy |
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| She was trying not to laugh hahaa |
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| She is stunning |
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Idiots in College
Yeah no joke I am surrounded by ignorant, uncultured, IDIOTS at school. I forgot how smart and intelligent I am and than there I was in history wanting to scream because people didn't know how many sentences go in a standard paragraph, why myths and legends exist, and what a primary source is! GAH! I just about had a brain aneurism. Now don't get me wrong, I have my blonde moments. Just today I thought it was Friday (wishful thinking) but at least I know how many sentences are in a paragraph (which btw it is 5 to 7). Hopefully my psychology and sociology classes will be filled with smart people who won't make my brain explode.
Went on a photoshoot today with Barbara and Robert. I didn't take as many pictures because it was too stinking hot out and we were all sweating like pigs! UGH! But she looked marvelous and the pictures I did get look pretty awesome. Robert and I were going to do something tonight but he just called me and said he has a ton of work to do. My voice sounded like this :) but my face was like this :(...yeah I am pretty bummed but whatever.
Went on a photoshoot today with Barbara and Robert. I didn't take as many pictures because it was too stinking hot out and we were all sweating like pigs! UGH! But she looked marvelous and the pictures I did get look pretty awesome. Robert and I were going to do something tonight but he just called me and said he has a ton of work to do. My voice sounded like this :) but my face was like this :(...yeah I am pretty bummed but whatever.
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