My own subconscious

Lately I have been having problems sleeping, mainly because I should be on meds but have been too cheap to buy them, but there is a deeper problem as to why I am not sleeping. Something is troubling my soul. Well two things actually. One is my struggle with where I am in regards to the Church and the second is in regards to where I am in my heart.

I have been dealing with something for about a year now. A decision I have to make concerning church and where I stand. I am not going to detail it here, but it is something I am losing sleep over and getting really depressed about. I feel a great deal of sadness and I know that there are only two solutions to it. I either bear it up and continue on the path I "should" be taking....or I simply don't. It is hard because no matter what I decide there are a ton of people around me who will suffer and I can't be responsible for the ones I love suffering. It would kill me. I still have faith and I still believe, but it isn't the same as it once was. It has changed and in a good way, I believe. My priorities in life have changed. I don't strive to be what other's think I should be. I am striving to be all I can be. My goals for life are not necessarily the goals that the church has for me. I suppose by posting this I may get into some trouble, but I am at least being honest about it. I can't pretend anymore. I can't act as if I am happy. Sure some could say I am too blame for this, that I haven't been trying hard enough to succeed in Church. That I haven't been applying my faith dilligently enough, and I admit that recently I haven't. But a year ago I did. I did and was doing EVERYTHING I was supposed to be doing. Reading my scriptures, praying daily, attending church, paying tithing, the works....and when things kept getting worse it was either "trials to test my faith" or "I am not applying myself hard enough".  I am trying and have been trying. I just wonder when the trials will end. Seems like everyone else doesn't have as many as I have recieved. I mean people have actually told me that I seem to have above average trials. Why is that?

The second thing keeping me awake at night is my heart. With everything I am so confused. I dream and I see one person, but than they become another, and than they become a hybrid of the two and  their names change and the situation is always the same. One person starts more in my dreams than the other and I hate going to sleep because I wake up and feel guilty and I think "why am i dreaming of them?" I have searched deep and I know I don't feel the same about that person, but I keep second guessing myself. I am scared for a few months from now. I don't know what to expect and that terrifies me. I worry all the time about what will happen and what I will do.