So I haven't wanted to press any marriage talk or anything like that with Robert, I mean we have been dating for three months and everything and it is a bit early, but at the same time I feel like we probably need to figure out what direction we want to take our relationship in. This doesn't just stem from the fact that EVERYONE asks me how serious he and I are, but I guess I just want to figure out how invested either of us are in this relationship. It isn't like I am saying we have to get married by this or this date or engaged or whatever, but I what I am saying is we need to figure out if that would be a road we both feel could be taken. I know both of us are in financial situations (He is getting a car and I am paying off some debts) but I have never believed that those things could prevent talking from happening.
Today was a really taxing day on me. Robert and I got up early this morning and drove to St. George for my doctor's appointment and from there drove straight to Vegas so I could make it to my class on time. As it turns out the teacher wasn't even there! We just turned in our work, signed a sign in sheet and left. It was nice to get the extra time with Robert, and we even saw Mrs. Brough (Zach's mom) there on campus and even got to hang out with Zach a bit before their photoshop class. Robert and I left campus after awhile and drove around looking for food when we found a *musical fanfare* PIZZA HUT! Yeah we got a large pizza, two waters, and headed to the Woofter Family Park and had ourselves a picnic, complete with a blanket and a tree to sit under! It was really fun to just do something simple like that with him. Later we headed to the Charleston campus where it was Robert's turn to learn. I just farted around in the computer lab and talked to my mother via facebook for an hour or so. I also was looking up things about LDS and Non-LDS marriages....embarassingly enough Robert caught me!!!! I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights hahaha but whatever.
On the way home my engine light turned on and so tomorrow I get to venture to Robert's house to have his dad use this machine thingy to figure out what is wrong with it....OH JOY! More money to spend fixing my car.....UGH! Hopefully though ym car is not in the final stages of it's life because I really REALLY can NOT afford to buy a new car right now. I mean there are some cheap ones (okay so like almost seven grand) down at the car lot, but I don't even really have money to put down right now on a car to lessen the payments. Maybe my parents will sell me their truck???? PSSSH AS IF!
(CAUTION OF NEXT SECTION...LITTLE ONES DO NOT READ)
So oddly enough (and just let it be known that Robert and I have not had sex) Robert and I ended up finding out that we agree on certain sexual terms (i.e. oral/ anal sex). Let me tell you it was a relief to find out that he and I are on the same page. I won't give you the details of what was said, but I think that we both felt better knowing that that will never be an issue or a difference of opinion. I really think it is important to discuss with one's partner where they stand on certain matters...even if they are rather uncomfortable...I mean he is the first guy I have talked to this about, but let me tell you it was a big help! I should probably share more things like that with him though bahahahaha
Oh and we decided that we are above the "scented candles" gift phase of our relationship...whatever the next level is I have no clue but at least we are past the "I really like you" phase bahahaha of course technically we left that like....last month... Just saying.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Crafty Little Witch
Yes people...I will admit...I actually do like to do artsy crafty things. In fact, i am quite handy with a sewing machine. When my friend Jenny and I lived together I sewed the curtains we had in our house and I have hemmed a few pants for some guys before ( the pants were too long) and when Jenny got married I helped make some of the decorations and I ironed the tablecloths. Now the irnoing thing I actually enjoy and I used to iron my dad's clothes when I was in middle school each morning before he went to work. But anyways I enjoy making things and coming up with cute craft ideas. I only wish now that I had a sewing machine or materials in which I could craft.
I am wanting to revamp my wardrobe, but with my budget it isn't really possible for me to go out and buy new clothes and since I have a ton I don't wear and don't really like how they look now I kind of want to change them up a bit or even create whole new pieces! Also I kind of need to start working on my halloween costume because I only have a month to do so and trust me....when you hand make them time flies! I would post up and say what it is but Robert reads this blog and I don't want him to know hahahaha he kind of knows what it is going to be but at the same time he doesn't! MUAHAHAHAHAHA I like not sharing that hahaha hopefully he doesn't find out before!
I have been bugging out lately though because I haven't been able to reach Barbara to talk to her like I normally can, but I think she might be busy....who knows? I would write more but I have a TON of stuff to do for class tomorrow....yeah I have to be in St. George by 9:15 (NV) am and somehow make it to class on time at 12:30 (NV) pm for history. I will be driving straight to Vegas from St. George....oi! Hopefully Robert can help keep me awake because I don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. :(
I am wanting to revamp my wardrobe, but with my budget it isn't really possible for me to go out and buy new clothes and since I have a ton I don't wear and don't really like how they look now I kind of want to change them up a bit or even create whole new pieces! Also I kind of need to start working on my halloween costume because I only have a month to do so and trust me....when you hand make them time flies! I would post up and say what it is but Robert reads this blog and I don't want him to know hahahaha he kind of knows what it is going to be but at the same time he doesn't! MUAHAHAHAHAHA I like not sharing that hahaha hopefully he doesn't find out before!
I have been bugging out lately though because I haven't been able to reach Barbara to talk to her like I normally can, but I think she might be busy....who knows? I would write more but I have a TON of stuff to do for class tomorrow....yeah I have to be in St. George by 9:15 (NV) am and somehow make it to class on time at 12:30 (NV) pm for history. I will be driving straight to Vegas from St. George....oi! Hopefully Robert can help keep me awake because I don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. :(
Friday, September 24, 2010
I feel...
I am working on paying off some debts that I have financially. I have payed when I could and have been trying hard not to create any new debt. Through all of the things I have been stuggling with I still feel this overwhelming urge to serve a mission. I have mainly been depressed lately because I had hoped and really planned on being gone by my birthday or at least within a few weeks of leaving, but I am not. Don't get me wrong I am incredibly happy, but I know I am going to regret not going. I don't regret anything I have done or experienced these past few months and I definitely don't regret getting into a relationship with Robert.
I suppose this is why I am torn. I have this urge and desire to go, but at the same time I don't think I can leave what I have behind.
This is very perplexing and does not make for good sleeping...
...but I think we all know that I am going to remain on this current path for now. Can't dream big until i fix the financial mess I am in.
I suppose this is why I am torn. I have this urge and desire to go, but at the same time I don't think I can leave what I have behind.
This is very perplexing and does not make for good sleeping...
...but I think we all know that I am going to remain on this current path for now. Can't dream big until i fix the financial mess I am in.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
In one Week
I TURN TWENTY ONE IN ONE WEEK!
I mean it has come up so fast upon me and I simply don't know what to do! I am not as excited as I was, but I think I am a bit in panic mode. I mean...shouldn't my life have a direction by now? Shouldn't I be.....idk.... doing something other than what I have been doing?
Compared to last year though my life is in a better place. I have an amazing family who cares about me, a wonderful boyfriend, and several true friends. I even have a job in this crappy economy. I feel as though life is in a good place, but Idk I feel like I should have accomplished something big by now.
I mean it has come up so fast upon me and I simply don't know what to do! I am not as excited as I was, but I think I am a bit in panic mode. I mean...shouldn't my life have a direction by now? Shouldn't I be.....idk.... doing something other than what I have been doing?
Compared to last year though my life is in a better place. I have an amazing family who cares about me, a wonderful boyfriend, and several true friends. I even have a job in this crappy economy. I feel as though life is in a good place, but Idk I feel like I should have accomplished something big by now.
My Messed Up Masochistic Self
I just read EVERY facebook message I EVER received from someone....and let me tell you it was NOT what the Dr. ordered! I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was just to prove to myself that that moment of my life actually did occur and that I wasn't the only one who said things or did things. Do you know how hard it is to read rejection? AGAIN?! And I did it to myself....AGAIN for the second time in two years! My heart broke all over again when I read "well ... i love you but i can't keep having these mixed thoughts about you i didn't even want to tell you mainly because i knew it would upset you " and "ya.... like i had a lot of thoughts that your not the one for me then i kept ignoring those thoughts and i began to be unsure. This has happened when i first started dating you too"
Someone please tell me why these things are what sticks with us for such a long time. It has gotten less painful and sharp over time and I have been able to open my heart up for someone else, but I still ache. To plan a life with someone only to have THE ABOVE thrown at you out of nowhere is just....let's just say I was in a dark DARK place for a long LONG time. In six short months I will be facing the cause of this heartache once again. I don't know what is going to happen and I don't know how exactly I feel about it all. For so long he was my favorite form of drug and what is worse is that he encouraged it! I mean....we ahd EVERYTHING planned out...all the details of our life and BAM out of nowhere I get blindsided.
...and people wonder why I am insecure in relationships and why I don't put much stick into when people say what they feel for me. Actions to me speak so much louder than words. I was won over by words and ignored the actions that spoke opposite of what the words were saying. I trusted words and promises that never came true, while the actions caused the unfulfilled promises. Even now....after so long I still have yet to see any promises or words turn into actions. I gave up and I moved on, but I am sad that the friendship we built and cultivated has been sidelined. At the same time our friendship is what started this all.
You might be wondering why I am bringing this up when I have a boyfriend? Let me tell you (and Robert if you are reading this know that it is YOU that I love!)...I have struggled on and off with this whole thing for awhile. I (as most in this situation would...I have asked and have been validated) have compared the one guy with another.
*GASP*
I know right? For shame! It isn't like I made a pros and cons list in my head or on paper. I just went with gut instinct. I had my heart set on waiting for this guy to come home to confront him and see where things led, but than this other guy (and we all know who he is ;D) inadvertantly helped me to see that I could actually have someone a billion times better than the first guy. My eyes ( and heart) were opened to the possibility of someone else filling the space set aside and labeled "Love" The day I realized I was truly over the first guy was on an impromptu trip to Vegas with Robert. YAYAYA...I KNOW....that day? Let me tell you.....that whole day not ONCE did I think of anything other than "How can I spend more time with this guy and avoid going home?" I mean we just walked and talked.....a whole lot and about nothing and everything and not once did my ming wander down paths other than the ones I was traveling with him. I realized that it was in fact EASY and not at all any time of work to be in this guy's presence. I mean we weren't even going out and I enjoyed spending a large amount of time with just him! With the other guy I had to try to keep things lively.
To put it simply and possibly not to nicely (don't get me wrong the other guy is a sweet guy), Robert treats me better. In fact he treats me better than any other guy I know...and this was before and especially after we started dating.
Now I suppose you are going "Well Nadia if Robert is so amazing what is the problem?"
My response is "Did I say there was a problem?"
Go back and read....I clearly state that I L-O-V-E Robert...that's right....I said "LOVE"....sure yes the other guy is on my mind, but mainly because I am a reflective person....but that in no way means I am going to even let him have a chance...he had his and he threw it away. Sure yes I was sad about it for a long time, and yes reading those words did hurt, but I still get butt hurt about Johnathon Rodriguez rejecting me in middle school because I was "too smart."
I happen to be a sensitive person and I tend to carry things with me forever. GOOD OR BAD!
Someone please tell me why these things are what sticks with us for such a long time. It has gotten less painful and sharp over time and I have been able to open my heart up for someone else, but I still ache. To plan a life with someone only to have THE ABOVE thrown at you out of nowhere is just....let's just say I was in a dark DARK place for a long LONG time. In six short months I will be facing the cause of this heartache once again. I don't know what is going to happen and I don't know how exactly I feel about it all. For so long he was my favorite form of drug and what is worse is that he encouraged it! I mean....we ahd EVERYTHING planned out...all the details of our life and BAM out of nowhere I get blindsided.
...and people wonder why I am insecure in relationships and why I don't put much stick into when people say what they feel for me. Actions to me speak so much louder than words. I was won over by words and ignored the actions that spoke opposite of what the words were saying. I trusted words and promises that never came true, while the actions caused the unfulfilled promises. Even now....after so long I still have yet to see any promises or words turn into actions. I gave up and I moved on, but I am sad that the friendship we built and cultivated has been sidelined. At the same time our friendship is what started this all.
You might be wondering why I am bringing this up when I have a boyfriend? Let me tell you (and Robert if you are reading this know that it is YOU that I love!)...I have struggled on and off with this whole thing for awhile. I (as most in this situation would...I have asked and have been validated) have compared the one guy with another.
*GASP*
I know right? For shame! It isn't like I made a pros and cons list in my head or on paper. I just went with gut instinct. I had my heart set on waiting for this guy to come home to confront him and see where things led, but than this other guy (and we all know who he is ;D) inadvertantly helped me to see that I could actually have someone a billion times better than the first guy. My eyes ( and heart) were opened to the possibility of someone else filling the space set aside and labeled "Love" The day I realized I was truly over the first guy was on an impromptu trip to Vegas with Robert. YAYAYA...I KNOW....that day? Let me tell you.....that whole day not ONCE did I think of anything other than "How can I spend more time with this guy and avoid going home?" I mean we just walked and talked.....a whole lot and about nothing and everything and not once did my ming wander down paths other than the ones I was traveling with him. I realized that it was in fact EASY and not at all any time of work to be in this guy's presence. I mean we weren't even going out and I enjoyed spending a large amount of time with just him! With the other guy I had to try to keep things lively.
To put it simply and possibly not to nicely (don't get me wrong the other guy is a sweet guy), Robert treats me better. In fact he treats me better than any other guy I know...and this was before and especially after we started dating.
Now I suppose you are going "Well Nadia if Robert is so amazing what is the problem?"
My response is "Did I say there was a problem?"
Go back and read....I clearly state that I L-O-V-E Robert...that's right....I said "LOVE"....sure yes the other guy is on my mind, but mainly because I am a reflective person....but that in no way means I am going to even let him have a chance...he had his and he threw it away. Sure yes I was sad about it for a long time, and yes reading those words did hurt, but I still get butt hurt about Johnathon Rodriguez rejecting me in middle school because I was "too smart."
I happen to be a sensitive person and I tend to carry things with me forever. GOOD OR BAD!
I Believe...
I believe in the convenants I made almost three years ago when I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that I have fallen away a bit, but my lack of faith has not or ever will be with the doctrine on the church. It is with the people that I find fault. I love all that the gospel as brought me and although I don't feel the same, my testimony of it's truths have never faltered. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet called of God and I know that Thomas S. Monson is one today. I know that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father live and that they love me even when I have neglected my love for them.
This is what I have been pondering lately. Almost every spare thought has gone into that above statement. Yes it is unsual, but no it is not uncommon.
This is what I have been pondering lately. Almost every spare thought has gone into that above statement. Yes it is unsual, but no it is not uncommon.
Like Venus and Mars
Tonight reminded me of how I felt a year ago. I was living in Provo and I was miserable even though I really didn't have a reason to be. I just wanted to start over somewhere where no one knew me or knew how to find me. I packed my things in the car and was heading North towards Idaho and than from there I had no idea where I was going to go. I just figured I would stop when I got into some quaint mountain town or something and than live there.
Those feelings came back to me tonight. I see myself stuck in this Valley and while I have good reasons to stay, I feel trapped. I was sitting at the reservoir near my house and I was just listening to the crickets and the feeling the light breeze on me and I thought "Man this is what I want" I want some place quiet and cut off from the world. Some place where I don't have to worry about people or the stresses of life. I want to be the author who lives a secluded life on some quiet lake in a cabin writing and drinking a cup of tea. Sure I would get visits form my family and I would visit them, but outside of the occasional one I would have solitude. Now for those who know me, they might be shocked that this social butterfly would be rejecting society in the social sense, but in reality I am content by myself and I don't need frequent social calls to make me feel happy. I do though know that I would miss the companionship that Robert provides, as well as, Zach and yes...even Katie. If I could take them with me (providing they would come) I would in a heartbeat.
Sometimes I feel like Robert and I are the opposite sides of a coin but at the same time we are the same side. I don't see him as much with school and work now, but we talk everyday. It just isn't the same as when I am with him in person. I love him and I am constantly astounded by his love for me. I honestly don't know how I got him or how he even fell in love with me! I smile all the time when I think of him and seeing him makes me smile inside. My word when he kisses me I feel like I am going to burst into flame! I am happy.
Oh right! Ultimate tonight was pretty fun. I showed up and there were a TON of people there and so I walked up and noticed Breanna sitting on the sidelines so I sat with her. We both weren't playing because with that many people we never get passed to so we figured we would wait til people left. It was fun just sitting and talking with her and musing over who was there. I haven't really talked to her in awhile and it was fantastic just goofing off with her! When we started to play we came up with these weird animal calls we would send to each other to let each other know we were open. She did this weird Ostrich call and I would go "CA CAW" and even flap my arms a bit. Everyone looked at us like we were on something, but I think they were just jealous they couldn't pull it off as cool as we did! I did enjoy myself tonight and I even managed to be civil with Charlie (who BTW has recently apologized for his behavior of late). Overall it wasn't a bad night. I got to see Robert and Zach and I was sad to leave them, but they both had things to do. I even got to eat dinner with my family tonight! HUZZAH!
School is going well although I am starting to realize that people in general are a lot dumber than I originally believed. Maybe it's just that I have a higher intelligence (yes people I am actually smarter than I appear...graduated high school with HONORS), but I am beginning to think that the de-evolution of humanity is really starting to show. I am enjoying what I am learning though and I am learning quite well to not give incredulous looks when someone says something completely idiotic. My eye still twitches though, but I don't really believe that can be helped.
Those feelings came back to me tonight. I see myself stuck in this Valley and while I have good reasons to stay, I feel trapped. I was sitting at the reservoir near my house and I was just listening to the crickets and the feeling the light breeze on me and I thought "Man this is what I want" I want some place quiet and cut off from the world. Some place where I don't have to worry about people or the stresses of life. I want to be the author who lives a secluded life on some quiet lake in a cabin writing and drinking a cup of tea. Sure I would get visits form my family and I would visit them, but outside of the occasional one I would have solitude. Now for those who know me, they might be shocked that this social butterfly would be rejecting society in the social sense, but in reality I am content by myself and I don't need frequent social calls to make me feel happy. I do though know that I would miss the companionship that Robert provides, as well as, Zach and yes...even Katie. If I could take them with me (providing they would come) I would in a heartbeat.
Sometimes I feel like Robert and I are the opposite sides of a coin but at the same time we are the same side. I don't see him as much with school and work now, but we talk everyday. It just isn't the same as when I am with him in person. I love him and I am constantly astounded by his love for me. I honestly don't know how I got him or how he even fell in love with me! I smile all the time when I think of him and seeing him makes me smile inside. My word when he kisses me I feel like I am going to burst into flame! I am happy.
Oh right! Ultimate tonight was pretty fun. I showed up and there were a TON of people there and so I walked up and noticed Breanna sitting on the sidelines so I sat with her. We both weren't playing because with that many people we never get passed to so we figured we would wait til people left. It was fun just sitting and talking with her and musing over who was there. I haven't really talked to her in awhile and it was fantastic just goofing off with her! When we started to play we came up with these weird animal calls we would send to each other to let each other know we were open. She did this weird Ostrich call and I would go "CA CAW" and even flap my arms a bit. Everyone looked at us like we were on something, but I think they were just jealous they couldn't pull it off as cool as we did! I did enjoy myself tonight and I even managed to be civil with Charlie (who BTW has recently apologized for his behavior of late). Overall it wasn't a bad night. I got to see Robert and Zach and I was sad to leave them, but they both had things to do. I even got to eat dinner with my family tonight! HUZZAH!
School is going well although I am starting to realize that people in general are a lot dumber than I originally believed. Maybe it's just that I have a higher intelligence (yes people I am actually smarter than I appear...graduated high school with HONORS), but I am beginning to think that the de-evolution of humanity is really starting to show. I am enjoying what I am learning though and I am learning quite well to not give incredulous looks when someone says something completely idiotic. My eye still twitches though, but I don't really believe that can be helped.
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