I just read EVERY facebook message I EVER received from someone....and let me tell you it was NOT what the Dr. ordered! I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was just to prove to myself that that moment of my life actually did occur and that I wasn't the only one who said things or did things. Do you know how hard it is to read rejection? AGAIN?! And I did it to myself....AGAIN for the second time in two years! My heart broke all over again when I read "well ... i love you but i can't keep having these mixed thoughts about you i didn't even want to tell you mainly because i knew it would upset you " and "ya.... like i had a lot of thoughts that your not the one for me then i kept ignoring those thoughts and i began to be unsure. This has happened when i first started dating you too"
Someone please tell me why these things are what sticks with us for such a long time. It has gotten less painful and sharp over time and I have been able to open my heart up for someone else, but I still ache. To plan a life with someone only to have THE ABOVE thrown at you out of nowhere is just....let's just say I was in a dark DARK place for a long LONG time. In six short months I will be facing the cause of this heartache once again. I don't know what is going to happen and I don't know how exactly I feel about it all. For so long he was my favorite form of drug and what is worse is that he encouraged it! I mean....we ahd EVERYTHING planned out...all the details of our life and BAM out of nowhere I get blindsided.
...and people wonder why I am insecure in relationships and why I don't put much stick into when people say what they feel for me. Actions to me speak so much louder than words. I was won over by words and ignored the actions that spoke opposite of what the words were saying. I trusted words and promises that never came true, while the actions caused the unfulfilled promises. Even now....after so long I still have yet to see any promises or words turn into actions. I gave up and I moved on, but I am sad that the friendship we built and cultivated has been sidelined. At the same time our friendship is what started this all.
You might be wondering why I am bringing this up when I have a boyfriend? Let me tell you (and Robert if you are reading this know that it is YOU that I love!)...I have struggled on and off with this whole thing for awhile. I (as most in this situation would...I have asked and have been validated) have compared the one guy with another.
*GASP*
I know right? For shame! It isn't like I made a pros and cons list in my head or on paper. I just went with gut instinct. I had my heart set on waiting for this guy to come home to confront him and see where things led, but than this other guy (and we all know who he is ;D) inadvertantly helped me to see that I could actually have someone a billion times better than the first guy. My eyes ( and heart) were opened to the possibility of someone else filling the space set aside and labeled "Love" The day I realized I was truly over the first guy was on an impromptu trip to Vegas with Robert. YAYAYA...I KNOW....that day? Let me tell you.....that whole day not ONCE did I think of anything other than "How can I spend more time with this guy and avoid going home?" I mean we just walked and talked.....a whole lot and about nothing and everything and not once did my ming wander down paths other than the ones I was traveling with him. I realized that it was in fact EASY and not at all any time of work to be in this guy's presence. I mean we weren't even going out and I enjoyed spending a large amount of time with just him! With the other guy I had to try to keep things lively.
To put it simply and possibly not to nicely (don't get me wrong the other guy is a sweet guy), Robert treats me better. In fact he treats me better than any other guy I know...and this was before and especially after we started dating.
Now I suppose you are going "Well Nadia if Robert is so amazing what is the problem?"
My response is "Did I say there was a problem?"
Go back and read....I clearly state that I L-O-V-E Robert...that's right....I said "LOVE"....sure yes the other guy is on my mind, but mainly because I am a reflective person....but that in no way means I am going to even let him have a chance...he had his and he threw it away. Sure yes I was sad about it for a long time, and yes reading those words did hurt, but I still get butt hurt about Johnathon Rodriguez rejecting me in middle school because I was "too smart."
I happen to be a sensitive person and I tend to carry things with me forever. GOOD OR BAD!
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