Well it has been decided. I am going to focus on serving a mission which means I have to start changing certain behaviors that i have picked up, start attending church regularly, AND go to mission prep which starts at *gag* 6 am! Of course I have some other things to do, but those are the basic ones. Why would I start back on this track again you might ask? It's simple. I need to. It isn't something I have ever doubted. I have doubted when I should go and why I was driven to go, but now I know simply because I need to. I am not running from anything and I am not going to be diving into it unawares. I know if I don't go I will regret it for the rest of my natural life. I know that I have experienced all I have experienced to better put things into perspective for me. My Heavenly Father loves me and while these past few months I have kind of treated Him and that love for me pretty crappy, I have had some eye openers lately that have shown me how He is still here and still loving my imperfect self.
It will be an effort on my part in order to change all that I need to change. I have transgressed on a few things and I haven't done some behaviors in awhile and that's a small win for me, but I have a problem with consistency. Life being busy has helped me stay away from certain things, but the business makes it easier for others to be done. I am not going into detail with what any of them are, but they are those nasty little habits that once you get them they are hard to undo (like fingernail biting *shudder*) My faith is not as strong as it once was, but it is still there. I know a lot of people are going to be upset with my decision, but I now a lot of people who will support me on it as well. I'm going to start saving a portion of each paycheck and hopefully I save enough each month that I will be able to raise the required amount (or more than half of it) before my next birthday.
I am trying to get a second job which will help with that and I am also way closer to paying off some debts than I was last year when I wanted to go. I know that if I don't reach my goal by my birthday that I still have time until my 25th birthday hahaha but I also don't want to be "old" while out there....most of those elders will be younger than me to begin with...and so will most of the sisters!!!
Of course I will try my hardest and put my all into this, but I know that sometimes what we want is not what Heavenly Father has planned for us. I am willing to accept whatever plans He has in store for me, but I know that by going down this chosen path I will be lead wherever I need to be.
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