Confession time..in code

A lot of how I get through life is by thinking "what would I really like to do?" and than I go with whatever is opposite that, because my ID impulses are the ones that would get me into loads of trouble and would end up hurting people. Even when I am happy it is generally because I am have those around me happy. I am too damn accomodating sometimes. Like for instance right now I really want to do this one thing irregardless of the consequences because for far too long I have done whatever would make everyone else happy. I have been afraid of stepping on eggshells or creating waves, but right now I would like to march up to someone hand them a box and say "Read it and tell me that all of this wasn't a lie!" And than I just want to take them and....well...I haven't quite gotten there yet, but I am sure my ID would fill in the blank. Instead I am actually just going to do nothing...but wait....and wait....and wait some more before nothing happens. I am going to do what I should do and not what I want to do. The best part is that I don't even know what is going to happen. The best guess is nothing. Life will continue on in this course and it won't be something of a whirlwind adventure or suspense film. It will be as it is.

And that is the problem. Tomorrow so much changes and needs to change. There needs to be an awakening, a closeness that is brought into existence otherwise I am going to let my dear friend ID takeover and it won't be pretty. Of Course ID will be nice, but I'm done being the doormat. I'm done saying "I don't care" or putting the other person in front. It isn't their fault. It is actually me and my weird compulsion to please everyone. I sicken myself. Tomorrow the good sweet angelic Nadia is going away and the Impulsive, slightly reckless Nadia is coming out to play for an evening. It probably isn't the best idea and I probably will end up very unhappy in the end of the evening, but I am going to risk it. I am going to put myself out there into the void and yell "HERE I AM!!! TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!!!!!!!!!"

Tomorrow is the day where an understanding will either occur or the world as we (you the reader and myself) have come to enjoy will end. So sleep well and come back for an update. Adieu!