The reason why I say it is at a crossroads is because I feel like something big is going to happen and I know it's going to just mess up everything I have going on. Mess up doesn't necessarily mean a bad mess up, but it just means I either have to change my destination or make a detour. There is a lot of confusion right now about where I stand with someone and I am going to try and make that person realize that I am confused.
It doesn't help when you tell someone everything about how you feel or where you stand and they don't reciprocate. It is hard when you can go a week without realizing you haven't seen that person face to face. Sure talking on the phone, but what ever happened to being closely connected with someone? I feel like I have lost my groove with this person, like I am disconnected from them. My thinking has changed slowly and I have to keep reminding myself of how I should be thinking. It is not good when your best friend even acts like you aren't with that person anymore. I know in my heart I still am, but at the same time my heart is the one trying to let go. I realize I am probably asking a lot, but I am one of those people who wants to be fought for, or to have the effort shown that I am wanted in someone's life. I am a completely hopeless romantic. So I don't need flowers every week or a fiery kiss when fireworks go off, but I do enjoy things like kisses that are fiery and passionate and last more than a second or even someone saying "You look beautiful" or saying "I love you" without me saying it first. I am not complaining here. I am merely stating what I like in a relationship. I have been in a few and I have to say that the things I liked consistently in them were that the guys made their affections known and almost on a daily basis...now there is a line between affectionate and clingy...some crossed it, but others maintained it really well. I like knowing that a guy wants to keep me around and that he thinks about a future with me and one that extends to beyond "what are we doing tomorrow?" I think that is one of my biggest peeves. I take the time to look and see if I could have a future with someone. If one day (and not like way waaaaaaaaaaaay in the future) we could be married and all that. Picket fence and rugrats. The Works. But when someone doesn't even think about if we will be together in a year or so? It really makes me question why we are even together. I am not talking about my current relationship. I am actually just talking in general, because I hear what people say or talk about and generally that is one of the biggest complaints. I won't always be there, I don't want whoever I am with to just ASSUME that they can live their life and not try and keep me in it and I mean really try. Courtship doesn't end after a certain amount of time...it doesn't even end after marriage.
If by a year you don't know if you could spend the rest of your life (or eternity for that matter) with someone...what the hell are you doing still with them? I mean yes you can love someone but I really think that if you can't commit to getting married than why be with them? I do know there are reasons like distance and sometimes people want to finish school, but generally there is an understanding that marriage will happen. You don't date someone for 4 or 5 years and than be like "well thanks for your time. See ya!" My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for a few years now and do the long distance thing, but they even know they are getting married. Its casual conversation with them. We were eating at a macaroni place and my sister said "They are so catering our wedding" and he just responded about flying them out or ordering and it was so natural. They aren't getting married for a few years still but really now....they are committed. They have an understanding. I could live with an understanding. I really could, but when there is not talk about it or even any indication that it has been thought about than that's where I start to get my feathers a bit ruffled. I want to know that I am important and that someone wants me in their immediate and distant future. I don't want to wait like a gagillion years (okay so lets just say two years is kinda my max without a ring or some kind of understanding) for someone to finally say "okay I want to marry you" Hell to the No would I spend that much time just hoping and wishing that they will take that step.
Seriously I already know, in my current relationship, that I would say yes...in a heartbeat I would. But you see this is because I have actually considered it. Has he? I don't know! I can only gues that it is a no, because we don't talk about it...well we did and last time it was kind of ended like "So where does that leave us?" Which we all know is NEVER a good thing. Of course idk if he really knows that if he wanted to drive down to Vegas (since its like 45 away) and get married that I would be like...give me a min to pack. But even if he did I wouldn't know!
So where the tow roads comes in is either I continue down this path (after telling him all of the above) and seeing where I end up (after he and I discuss HEAVILY what I have said above) or we end up reverting to the friend phase and I take the other road alone. Of course I am rather prefering the other road and traveling with him (since I have just stated I would totally marry the guy), but I am also prepared to take the other if it is in the best interest of us both.
I only hope that this goes well.
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