The Urge to SCREAM

That has been my mood lately. I just want to scream and for no particular reason at all. Life is pretty awesome though so it would be good screams although some would be bad too, but for the most part they would be good screams. I feel torn in so many different directions lately, but good directions, but still really confusing and kind of frustrating. Part of me mainly just is frustrated at the fact that I can't seem to find a freaking job and I don't want to resort to another call center because the last time it really didn't help my depression having people treat me like crap over the phone. Another part is just happy to be alive and living and has been enjoying having time to myself to work on myself and to focus on me.

Can anyone find me a place where I can just disappear from the world? I want to just....vanish and live in some place somwhere where no one can find me. No phones, no computers, no actual address, no communicaiton with the outside world, and just have time to build skills that I normally wouldn't with everything else out here. Of course I wouldn't want to go alone or anything, but I just feel like I have too many distractions that are pulling me into places and directions that I just can't fathom.

I just need life to slow down.

Hot Mess

Well I learn something new everyday! Like I learned where some place is hiring and that some people whom I have previously judged as a creep and someone not worth my time turns out to be a pretty decent person once you get past all the bullcrap that surrounds them. I think of it as that one fruit that smells horrible and looks nasty to eat (Starfruit I think it is) but it ends up being really good and tasty. I have gotten to know this person a little better and was surprised to find things out about them that I just didn't know were even there. They really opened up and shared some things with me and it made me realize how un-Christ like I was being in assuming things about them without giving them a fair chance.

I also learned that this town in general is a very judgemental town. Now I knew this before from some experiences I have had, but recently it has become more and more apparent. People out here tend to be superficial, and fake. I would know because I have been one of them and I am working to change that in myself. People look at the past and certain parts of a person and just assume that is how they are like. No one seems to take into account what that person might be like now. I keep portions about my past underwraps, but I wonder what my friends would think or say if they knew what I have done and how I have acted. Would they look at me with different eyes or would they still see me as the girl they all care about? These are things that not even Barbara knows about and I tell her everything! But my point is that I need to change how I treat people. I can't keep falling into the trap of being nice to someone's face and gossiping about them behind their backs. I need to be more honest with how I feel or just not say anything at all to anyone other than myself. Its been weird as I have noticed these things. This kind of attitude is what made me really not like the Church when we first moved out here and now that I myself am doing exactly what others did to me I am disgusted with myself and disappointed. I used to cry at night because I felt like I wasn't going to make any true friends out here and because I felt judged and criticized for how I was living. I always thought "If they are supposed to be the TRUE CHURCH why is it that they aren't very nice to those not in it? Aren't we all God's children?"

The Church is true, some of the people in it are not always true. We are all equal in Heavenly Father's eyes, yet some of us seem to ge the idea into our heads that we are somehow better than everyone, even those who live as we do! I am tired of the politics and the bs that goes on sometimes. Who cares how many callings you have had or where you served or whatever?! In the end we are all ending up in the same place if we obey the commandments and live as we should. I have been re-evaluating my priorities and although the might not be what others would expect I know they are what is right with me and right with Heavenly Father. I know by doing what I need to He will help me, I don't need anyone's approval but His and quite frankly I don't care for anyone's but His anymore!

I am a new me and I LIKE who I am! I am more confident and more willing to be open to people and I have become a whole lot more happier with myself after deciding I don't need to impress anyone. Besides being me is a whole lot more fun.

Life lately

Procuring a job is not the easiest thing to do in a recession, especially when you are a part of the "younger" generation and people wan tto hire older more experienced people.

I have been reading some of my blog posts and I have realized that they are really lame and kind of depressing. I know life lately has been kind of downer, but that is no excuse to spread the downiness to everyone else!

Well here are some interesting loveliness that has been going on in mi vida! Went to a dance last night and this guy from the last dance was there and again we all went to Denny's. It was pretty fun hanging out with everyone and seeing Kami and Shelby. We are all going to be hanging out more and more now which is really awesome because I think that is all what we need. I have gotten some new music for my ipod and my computer is now virus free!!!!!!! I fixed it all by my onesie so that is a happy moment for me. I got invited to interview for an EFY position and I am trying to let my parentals let me do that since I REALLY want to go be a counselor at EFY!!!!! How cool would that be? Kami and I are so planning a camping trip for sometime and what not because I am determined to do more things like that with my friends. This is the time in my life where I should be going out and doing random things like that with friends!

I get to talk to Wade this week and I am so happy to be able to tell him that I have gotten more confidence and drive and more push to better my life and my surroundings. I can't keep shutting people out because by doing that I am shutting myself in and life is certainly lonely when one keeps everyone at a distance. It is so odd how life is a little bit less than perfect but I am able to keep my head up! I am excited to be alive and I love looking for the silver lining in everything that is going on. When there is a down there is an up you know?

Sometimes...

Sometimes I sit and wonder about you, what you are doing, where you are, how your day was, and if I crossed your mind at all. One word from you, one sign of life is all it would take. How long has it been since I have heard your voice? Felt your touch? Smelled you on me long after we parted? Felt the warmth of your smile and the feeling I got when you would tell me you loved me? I've tried to push you out and to ignore, but when everything reminds me of you, that task is hard to complete. You were and are a big part of me and that scares me more than anything. I want to run away and hide, but I know that if you were to call my name out I would come running without a moments hesitation. I haven't felt as complete or as at home since that day. You shattered me into a million pieces, yet somehow you managed to glue them bac together, keeping some of those pieces for yourself.  In those quiet moments we spent together you told me what you wanted for us and for yourself, you wrote those hope down and gave them to me for safe keeping.

I ca't stop this infernal feeling from overwhelming me! I need to talk to someone about it who won't judge me or thinki am stupid or who won't tell me to move on. I just need someone to listen and they don't even have to comment...just listen and ACTUALLY listen. He would have listened, he was always there for me and always listened. He only added his thoughts when he knew I needed the help. Now he is gone and I can't work out what is on my mind like I did with him.  I have been trying to get to know other guys and to be involved in whatever it is that requires my involvement with them and it is going great, but there is always that thought that I need to remember what I had. That what I want is all that I had with him. I know it isn't right, but I am at least not comparing any othe guy to him. That would be plain rude. Mainly I think....Can this guy really give me what I am looking for in  relationship? Can he take what I am prepared to give? Am I ready to let this guy in?

I have this drive now this goal and I don't know if it is sane or not, but I really don't care. I am going to wait and see what happens. What happens is whateve happens. I am so used to planning everything out or wanting to know everything and I have reached a point in my life that either path that I am prepared to take is the right path for me. So here I go spinning around and whichever one I end up facing will be the one I take! Yay for clarity....ugh....hahaha okay so maybe I am not one hundred percent excited about this plan, but I trust that Heavenly Father will guide me and show me the way through this. I have to learn to trust in His guidance, to not carry around my burdens upon my shoulders. I hold everything in and when I let anything out I get scared quickly. I am scared of being hurt. I am afraid that I will be seen as unimportant in someone's eyes or that I will be seen as less than what I am.I am made up of jokes and laughter, but does anyone ver wonder what is lying just behind that mask I wear?
I once told Jenny that everyone wears a mask to hide behind, and that some people hide behind several masks. I am one of those people. I don't even know what lies behind all of my masks. I haven't been my true self in such a long time. I have taken on so many different personas to please everyone around me that somewhere along the line I forgot what I really look like.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Live life out in my room, avoiding any outside contact. It would be a relaxing vactation.

Ice Skating!

So I went ice skating with the group last night and I am so happy that I only fell three times! One of those times Jason knocked me down because he fell on top of kenny and I when we were taking group pictures. The other two times I wasn't even moving and I fell on nothing, but the guys did a good job trying to help me up....see i slipped the first time and BAM than they were helping me up and my feet would not work so I went slipping and sliding. Finally I got my footing. Gee whiz was it crazy! I went and had to change my skates because the blasted toe pick on the fiure skating skates was impeding my already sketchy ability to skate. That ice needed a mssive Zamboni make-over before we started skating, but noooooo they of course brought it out when we were leaving! Iceburg food is way amazing good!!!!!! On the way home my whole car was hyper and we started talking about.....uhm....sex....hahahaha but nothing dirty just we were. I don't even remember what was said actually. I was on a massive caffeine high.

I am looking forward to tonight. I am talking to him again....talked to him yesterday and he had to get to bed...being it was 2 am his time and he needed sleep, but we kept talking and not getting off. He actually wants to keep talking to me! We have so many different things in common and the conversation is always interesting and fun.

I need to somehow get to Provo and get my package from Glennwood and stuff. I also need to talk to them about my apartment contract getting sold and everything.

BAH LIFE IS INTERESTING

Han Shot First!

So I spent some time talking to this guy tonight who is basically a really good match for me....Star Wars fan, served a mission, he and I both think Han shot first and we both want to hug the Prophet. It was weird cuz we both have step-dads and all this stuff.....it was a good conversation and he actually wants to talk to me again and really soon!!!! I was surprised that we really hit it off considering we don't know each other at all and have never met in person, but I felt comfortable opening up to him and talking....it was interesting and he is really cute and funny. I didn't think that instant connections could happen really....well again for me. I am interested in what might happen.

So anyways....life is...interesting. I was almost cried a lot today. Just things with family are rough but not so much and I really am enjoying myself and my free time. I wish I had a job though because I am tired of spending so much time alone at home. My friends always want to hang out and I wouldn't mind it, but I can't with my med schedule and everything it is bloody near impossible really. I wish it was easy but no of course not it makes life darn near impossible to have. Sometimes I sit and just stare at the wall just fighting back the urge to scream into oblivion. Like....holy wow and tartar sauce I just hate feeling suspended in this kind of half life I am living right now. I don't really feel anymore....like....I can feel things but at half their normal level.
Yeah floating is no fun people....especially for so long a time.

I am pretty...yeah...well goodnight!

Finding Inner Peace

I met with my therapist today and he said we are going to work towards finding my inner peace.

O_O

I know what I need for inner peace....but the problem is I don't know how to address it or get it....

Well I do actually and I have some inner peace already, but a lotof me is torn up because I am not really great at making decisions.

Like:
I know what  I need to do, but am unsure how to go about doing it.
I know how I feel, but am unsure how to share it.


There is a lot more, but those are the two right now that are driving me crazy. I am being plagued with whether or not I need to do this one thing this one way or the other way. UGH!

Dreaming Dreaming Dreaming...

I keep dreaming of him...and him coming home...which is the part that has me worried. I really want to see him again, but that would be really kind of a sad thing. I have realized that I still have a lot of feelings for him, and that I keep trying to find what I had with him, but I really just can't. I am not really going to find it again, what we had was intense and beautiful and just....perfect in every way imaginable. It still is, he still felt that way before he left and I certainly did. Our attraction was electrifying and we had to hold back soo much because if we didn't it would have gone far. No one really knows what it was like with him because we kept our relationship between us. We constantly talked via text, phone, e-mail, facebook, and in person. Most people didn't see us talking a lot when we were out together, but when we were alone is when we talked and shared and discussed our future. We even wrote letters to each other and we shared everything. No one knows how it was with us, which is probably why no one knows why I still love him. He took me places and shared with me his goals and opened up to me when he didn't open up to anyone else. Being with him made me feel good about myself for the first time, he showed me that I AM worth it and am especially worth it for him.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I am certainly not going to give up on what I know is right.

I Dreamed A Dream...

I dreamed a dream last night that wasn't the usual confused mess of my dreams. Usually when a dream is clear and real for me it means I need to pay attention. The first time I had a dream like this I was in the 9th grade and living in California. My dream was I was in this cafeteria of a school I didn't recognize with maroon and silver flags and a painting of a man on the wall. I looked down and noticed I had a test for a P.E. class and I remembered the answers A, B, B, C, A, E and I looked around and at my table these girls were asking me if I knew the answers to question number 2. I was confused because they knew me but I didn't know them and at the high school I was at I wasn't in a P.E. class....well a few months later my dad and his second wife split up and I was living with my mom. I had to take a P.E. class and I arrived around the time of the semester finals....imagine my surprise when the dream happened! The same answers on the test and the same scenario had played out.

The second time it has happened is when Colton came home. A few weeks before he did I had a dream where he came home and was this broken person, and that he really needed me. Surprise Surprise he came home, but I don't think he really needed me, but heck he sure was broken.

Well LAST NIGHT I had the Strangest most real dream I have ever had. Now granted there were other things that I am worried about that occurred (like my youngest sister in the hospital for a head injury that was severe, and my other sister breaking her leg but falling for this really hot guy who also broke his leg) anyways the part that really got to me was the part that starred Elder Jaren Gates. Now he and I have a history together....we kept most of our relationship between us and most people don't know what went on, but anyways I dreamt we were all sitting around in the grass at a park (One that our gang usually frequents) and he came walking up out of nowhere in a suit and tie with his nametag still on. I was super surprised and couldn't breathe and everyone else had no idea what to do. He handed me all the letters I have written him and thanked me for writing, that I didn't know how much he enjoyed hearing from me. Than everyone was passing around these assigned letters from him and when I got mine I started crying. Now I won't say what he wrote, but let me tell you the writing was an exact copy of his handwriting and things he said were things we had talked about and others things he never said. It was odd because everyone started reading theirs and when it was my turn (I was number 8) I just smiled at him and he smiled back his goofy grin. Suddenly I was whisked away onto this boat in the middle of the ocean and there he was dressed in White and I looked down and I was in white too. He came up to me and said "I didn't think you would ever come here. I have been waiting." I just looked at him and he came up to me and hugged me. He looked at me and said, "Remember how we said we would meet here in our dreams? I come every night hoping you will be here." Oddly enough that WAS the first time I did go to the boat. We would tell each other we would meet there in our dreams all the time. He did several time tell me he had gone but I didn't show up. Than suddenly we were in this locker room of sorts and everyone we knew was there and he made them all shush then he took my hands and got down on one knee and proposed!

Needless to say I woke up Crying and Smiling. I don't know what to make of this dream at all. I don't hear from him, but I still write at least once a month. Maybe I am finally going crazy hahaha. Oh well it was a good dream though...a little too real for my taste. I mean I could feel him and smell him and see him as if he was actually there. OI!

Utter Rejection...

...But I am not bitter or anything. There are plenty of others out there who would treat me right and give as much I give. It would be a working relationship. Both sides get paid you know?

*SIGH*

Job hunting sucks. The rejection I am talking about is the rejection I got for the front desk position at the adoption agency. Yeah basically it is my lack of experience....POO! How on earth am I supposed to get a job when I don't have any experience and for that matter how am I supposed to gain experience if no one will hire?! AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note though I have been enjoying many interesting conversations with my friends lately. One of which was with Barbara and she and I were discussing our lives without the gospel, like where we would be and how we would most likely act. Oddly enough we both came to the conclusion that we would be sluts....and have drinking problems. Slutty Alcoholics! WOOT WOOT! Naturally we aren'tlike that now, but oddly enough we wonder sometimes. It was funny that we both were kind of timid talking about it until we realized that we think the same way, so after that the conversation got...uh...saucy?

I don't know if I have ever really stated it out loud but I have realized that I want love. I want to be getting married and having a family. I don't know what it is, but I realized I am turning 21 this year and idk omething has just kinda started up in me...I think I finally got the drive that every other YSA has got in the church.

*GASP*

I am doomed!

Oh For Crying Out Loud

I met, what was basically my soul mate, at the New Year's Dance in St. George and sadly all I have is his first name....and what a first name. John....pretty much it is as awesome as it gets. IDK what it is or was but pretty much it was pretty amazing meeting him and getting to know him. I will never get to see him again if luck is bad this turn around. *Sigh*

The job hunt is still on although I have some interesting prospects that are appearing...such as an interview on Thursday for a Front Office Position at an adoption agency....that would be fun. I went to St. George con the mother unit and met with what is probably the coolest Nurse Practioner EVER and I got some meds that we are going to try out. Turns out that I might have some kind of mood disorder....or the depression is just really that bad that it is causing me to go all wonky with me emotions. I personally am rooting for mood disorder. That way when I get snippy or something I can say "Sorry I forgot to take my mood stabilizers today"

Free range to be rude basically.....JUST KIDDING!

Anyways I am starting cognitive therapy next week which will prove interesting. I really enjoyed Brad, my meds guy, he is a member and he was supportive and super nice to me and he was encouraging and idk what it was but I just felt better after talking with him. He gave me some medicine to help me sleep at night since my mind doesn't always want to go meemees and won't shut up. Hopefully the anti-depressants work, because I really want to get on with my life and live it. I just started today so I know it might be a week or two before anyone notices any changes. I managed to wake up today at a decent hour...okay so it was 10:30 but still compared to 2:30 pm or later that is pretty early. I got a shower in and a few job applications as well as a round of dishes AND I made myself some grits with eggs (note to self need more eggs) and drank a huge cup of water and took the required pills and such. Productive so far and it is only 4:09 pm! I still have to write some letters as well as somehow manage to go to Institue (maybe not this week quite yet) and whatever else that pops up!

Life has been good lately. I got to see Kami and we talked and I got to church on Sunday and bore my testimony twice and participated during relief society. I played soccer and ultimate on saturday where somehow only Kenny and I managed to come away all bruised up but apparently others are sore so there is some justice in the world!