Sometimes...

Sometimes I sit and wonder about you, what you are doing, where you are, how your day was, and if I crossed your mind at all. One word from you, one sign of life is all it would take. How long has it been since I have heard your voice? Felt your touch? Smelled you on me long after we parted? Felt the warmth of your smile and the feeling I got when you would tell me you loved me? I've tried to push you out and to ignore, but when everything reminds me of you, that task is hard to complete. You were and are a big part of me and that scares me more than anything. I want to run away and hide, but I know that if you were to call my name out I would come running without a moments hesitation. I haven't felt as complete or as at home since that day. You shattered me into a million pieces, yet somehow you managed to glue them bac together, keeping some of those pieces for yourself.  In those quiet moments we spent together you told me what you wanted for us and for yourself, you wrote those hope down and gave them to me for safe keeping.

I ca't stop this infernal feeling from overwhelming me! I need to talk to someone about it who won't judge me or thinki am stupid or who won't tell me to move on. I just need someone to listen and they don't even have to comment...just listen and ACTUALLY listen. He would have listened, he was always there for me and always listened. He only added his thoughts when he knew I needed the help. Now he is gone and I can't work out what is on my mind like I did with him.  I have been trying to get to know other guys and to be involved in whatever it is that requires my involvement with them and it is going great, but there is always that thought that I need to remember what I had. That what I want is all that I had with him. I know it isn't right, but I am at least not comparing any othe guy to him. That would be plain rude. Mainly I think....Can this guy really give me what I am looking for in  relationship? Can he take what I am prepared to give? Am I ready to let this guy in?

I have this drive now this goal and I don't know if it is sane or not, but I really don't care. I am going to wait and see what happens. What happens is whateve happens. I am so used to planning everything out or wanting to know everything and I have reached a point in my life that either path that I am prepared to take is the right path for me. So here I go spinning around and whichever one I end up facing will be the one I take! Yay for clarity....ugh....hahaha okay so maybe I am not one hundred percent excited about this plan, but I trust that Heavenly Father will guide me and show me the way through this. I have to learn to trust in His guidance, to not carry around my burdens upon my shoulders. I hold everything in and when I let anything out I get scared quickly. I am scared of being hurt. I am afraid that I will be seen as unimportant in someone's eyes or that I will be seen as less than what I am.I am made up of jokes and laughter, but does anyone ver wonder what is lying just behind that mask I wear?
I once told Jenny that everyone wears a mask to hide behind, and that some people hide behind several masks. I am one of those people. I don't even know what lies behind all of my masks. I haven't been my true self in such a long time. I have taken on so many different personas to please everyone around me that somewhere along the line I forgot what I really look like.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Live life out in my room, avoiding any outside contact. It would be a relaxing vactation.