It is all in the air

I am right now sitting in my sister Erica's room at my mom's house wishing I knew what on Earth I am doing with my life. My mom asked me the other day what I wanted to see happen with my life right now...I just couldn't answer her. For so long I have been trying to live my life for everyone else I have neglected to think about what I really want to do with it. I am scared to move back to California...Grandma and I aren't going to magically get along and I know that even if I try to set boundaries things aren't going to work out. Already she is demanding I go out there...like she doesn't like me being at my mom's or something you know? What is up with that????

My major is getting changed officially from Child Development to Music and Photography. I already told my grandma and she wasn't excited at all, but honestly I don't give a rip because I have found something that truly makes me happy and I am sticking with it!!!! Also I decided that I am going to visit Zak this weekend down in Miramar probably will end up having to stay the night, but hey I am 20 and I need to stop being a kid at some point! I have got to grow up and start LIVING my life the way I want to live it.

Hurray for thinking differently!

Angry for so long

I walked (and ran a little) to the Provo Temple today...took me two hours to get there and back...not bad really considering I spent some time at the temple itself. Pretty sure I wasn't walking that fast but I did get a workout so WOOHOO!!!! I figured out a lot while on that walk and while at the Temple...first I can't run very far because I am out of shape, two it is FREEZING and I will need to wear sweatpants next time, three the temple sure is open early because there was a ton of people going into the temple, four I pretty much love the temple, and five (the most important)

I have been angry for a long time, with myself and with Heavenly Father. I have been feeling so lost lately and angry and I didn't really realize that until I was at the temple talking t Him when suddenly the word angry popped out of my mouth and I started crying. Mainly I was crying because I was upset at the prompting I felt earlier. I didn't want t lose another friend like I basically lost the friend I had in Colton and I just don't want to be hurt again like with Jaren and Colton when I felt so strongly and the just...it wasn't the same with them. I also have been angry about my family and the hurt they went through when I joined the church. I have been angry about a lot of things that I didn't really realize until today and it was like once I acknowledged that anger this HUGE weight was lifted and I really felt this major calm come over me. I felt and feel ready to face whatever Heavenly Father has in store for me with an optimism like no other!

Proof that blessings come from visiting the temple...on the way back towards the apartment a whole TROOP of army hotties went running by and oh my word they were smoking hot! Every one of them and they were doing this chant thing with running and the drill sargeant guy worked in a "hello" for me! He said "Say hello to the pretty lady" and the rest of them said "Hello Pretty Lady."

I about fainted.

OMG I am going to BARF

I have gotten this prompting to do something and I can feel the Spirit screaming for me to do something and I just can't do it! First off it is 4:36 in the am and second....well quite frankly I just don't have the kind of relationship with this one person to do what the Spirit is prompting me to do. I LAUGH at people who are always randomly like..."The Spirit told me to blah blah blah" insert random quote we all laugh at when we here stories like this. I mean I would most likely be rejected...but on the other hand why would I get this prompting if I wasn't supposed to do it????


Oh Hannah why me? Why this early??? Why did the prompting come during a horror movie when I wasn't even thinking about this person? The thing is I don't feel bad about it at all...in fact I feel blissfully happy like peaceful almost and THAT is what is disturbing me. Neither of us...are in any position to do what is being asked...well we are but we aren't. Heck we haven't even been on a date or anything and we are JUST FRIENDS.

I am freaking out and my stmach is so butterfly-ie that it is making me sick.

Who Knew?

Life sure is interesting how it works. I got home on Monday and I was all prepared to go and get everything ready for me to move to Rexburg in the Winter when something told me to be patient and hold on it for awhile that I would know when the time was right because I am needed for something down here in Utah. I had no clue what that was about and I mentioned it to a friend and it turns out that that friend has been going through some rough times and they had been praying for help! Heavenly Father sure does work in mysterious yet amazing ways.

On a side note I am quitting my job at Dialogue...I can't work like they want me to so I am trying to find another job or two so I can keep living life...you know with food and that kind of stuff. I have even been contemplating becoming a Plasma Whore...even though I despise needles and pain of any kind. *bleh* But money is money right? Okay so not all money is good....

Anywho just getting ready for the rest of the day because I have got to figure out what I am going to do with myself. At least I will look good doing it!

Oh Idaho (the state)

It is so freezing cold up here and I LOVE it!!! Basically I went out for a walk at 3:30 this morning and I stopped and was just staring at the Temple which is like two feet away which basically is amazingly awesome!!!!!

I am really regretting not moving up here and I am going to change that....and soon. That is all I have for an update for now.

Would You Please?

Could someone possibly just erase my memories for me? I don't know if it is the pain or what, but I can't seem to stop thinking about the past and how I ended up here. I just went and read each and every blog post on this blog and I watched the video I had posted. I went and read my journal and I let my mind wander down avenues I have refused to let it go in years. Of course none of this helps my mood any or even makes me feel better. The pain medicine isn't working too well right now and my elbow and wrist are killing me. I have tried to sleep but I can't comfortably do it....so that leaves my mind to wander free.
I have looked back on my life more in the past few days than I have in years. I have enver felt any need to or want to, but lately I have had this urge to look in the dark shadows of my life and shine light into places where light has never been. I got told today that I was made of pure gold. Golden....the first time I heard that word was when the missionaries where leaving and Joy told them that they struck pure gold. To this day I still don't know if that is really who I am. Truth is I don't know who I am at all...with friends I am this bright vibrant person (apparently) btu most of the time I feel worn down and tired. Everyone sees this young woman full of faith and strong in her opinions. Someone they can trust and count on to be there. I guess that is a part of who I am, but I still don't really know me at all.
Normally I can figure people out really easy, but for some reason I just can't figure myself out. Half the time I don't even know what is going on in my own head!

I wish someone could help find me.

Sprains, Bikers, and Zombies.

So today I fell ( because I am so graceful) and sprained my left wrist and elbow (did I mention I am also talented?) Anyways so I have this unnatural excitement over the fact that I did that. I mean seriously I have never sprained anything and BAM I got two in one shot. That is some serious awesome right there. Sadly though I will still be able to work and take nasty people calls, but at least I am getting paid for it.
Later on (sprains happened early afternoon) Joey and I went to go see Zombieland. On the way there he hit this guy on his bike...joey was looking the other way for cars and the guy started out in front of us. This is my warning to Joey, Hey joey there is a...DID YOU NOT SEE HIM?!" the guy rolled up onto the car...btw he was totally cute. Joey got out and asked if he was okay...yeah he rode off on his bike safe but a little shaken and we continue on to Zombieland.
The movie is a piece of brilliant art...I mean seriously it isn't scary really. I mean I jumped at some parts yes, but for the most part it was sheer comedic bliss. Oh wow you would not believe half the stuff they get away with. Killing zombies while on roller coasters, searching for the last twinkie, shooting Bill Murray in his cameo role, this movie is epic and as soon as that baby hits the shelves I am buying it. I did have issues with the F Bomb being dropped everywhere, but despite that I loved it!

AAAGH

I CAN'T FLIPPING SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I figured I would express my distaste with insomnia for you all to see...

it bites.

Did you know?

I am in the process of writing a book? Yeah I have the main rough outline of it, but I must continue and expand on what I have and I have to continue the story. I am contemplating making the story into a series or just one book. I am thinking maybe just two books at least.

The main concept of the story is about four girls and their adventures in navigating the world of life and love. I have based most of my characters off of myself and my friends....I mean it is loosely based...VERY loosely based and even the events are taken from my own life. I am also working on another story that I started years ago about a girl who was raised by wolves....well that and there is magic and other things. I don't want to give too much away about my stories because there are people out there who would steal them if they were desperate enough to steal my poor writing ideas.

I have to find a reason to work on them agian though. For almost a year now I have not touched either story. It has been as if something inside of me died and I lost the will to continue on with that dream of getting published. I have been told I have a gift for writing and I have always wanted to write a book. It is not hard for me to write...just something cut me off from my writing steam. I am hoping something can help inspire me again. I have the stories inside of me just bursting to come out, but there is no release!

GAH!

GONE GONE GONE

My long luscious locks of pure awesomeness are gone! Apparently they took my "good" looks with them because a few people have commented on how I now look like a boy...*sniff* I did not mean to cut it this short, it was an accident. Most of the length was to my shoulders, but there was a chunk in the back which i had accidently cut really short so to even it all out i had to cut the rest. You could make a nive looking hair piece out of how much hair i cut off. Oh well now I know that next time I will have to be even MORE careful...because yes people I will be cutting my own hair again in the future....just after I have enough hair to even begin thinking about cutting. If I cut any more I really will have no hair to do anything with.

Interesting lesson this has been though. I have always used my hair as a safety net...like it was the one thing about me I really felt i had any control over. Yesterday when it all came off I basically panicked and today I was walking over to Joey's to get my car and I felt like the very trees were laughing at my plight. I have learned not to put too much stock into material things...I generally don't in the first place, but ask anyone who know me well enough and they will let you know how much I loved my long hair. I am not superficial...not at all. I don't even wear makeup or dress "pretty"...I just was really attached to my hair.

Sad day. At least we know it will grow back...eventually.

I Feel Invisible

I didn't notice really until I started to reflect upon my current home life. When in ward activities or anywhere at the apartment I have noticed I am there, but I feel like a ghost. People can see me but interactions are not there. I know that this is probably some figment of my imagination, but really I feel like I am missing something in my life. I crave being around friends and people. I mean I LOVE going to work even though I have to deal with stupid phone calls, but I go because there are people there who understand what I am going through at work.
I have three other roommates and I have yet to really connect with any of them. They are all great girls but we all just....well we live our seperate lives while living in the same place. Like different being from different worlds sharing a place where our worlds collide on some plane that we just have yet to notice. It is hard to see the other apartments where they are always laughing and having fun and making meals together or going and doing thins together and than there is our apartment...we have never not once done a single thing together. Oh yes we may happen to be in a room at the same time, but that doesn't mean we are doing anything together. The other night I helped one of my roommates when she was sick and puking her guts out all over the place and when I went to bed that night after making sure she was taken care of I realized that when I had been ill for two weeks not to long ago not once did they offer to help me. They would ask if I was okay, but nothing else. I try to invite them to do things but they always have some other excuse not to go. They really are great girls, I just feel invisible at home.

Also what is with everyone getting married or getting pregnant??? I mean seriously am I the only one who is not currently on the pursuit of a different avenue? Okay I know I am not the only one, but am I the only one who wishes she was caught up in some romance of sorts instead of merely trudging through life planning alternative actions because she knows romance is not something that is going to be coming to her anytime soon?

A whole lot less of me

I am starting a diet...before you say anything to the tune of "but you don't need to" listen up! I do need to lose weight. The doctor and I got to talking and we think that if I lose some weight I could end up not having to be on medication for depression for the rest of my life. Now let me tell you that a life without having to daily take pills is something that I am willing to try anything for. So this next week I will be starting my journey of weight loss on a strict diet and taking drops 6 times a day that help with my metabolism as well as some other complicated things that are hard to describe. It is anticipated that I will be losing possibly more than 20 pounds which will be amazing since I haven't been that weight since forever.
I am looking forward to it and have been given the okay to go ahead with the diet. If any of you happen to be around me during said diet I will apologize ahead of time if I am crabby....I am denying myself all that I love in food for close to two months so please understand that I will of course look upon you with bitterness and resentment if you offer anything that is on the "blacklist".
Wish me luck!

Twenty Years of Pure Awesome

That is right people I am officially twenty years and one week old. I have graced this Earth for this long and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely a whole lot! I have a wonderful family and amazingly true friends! I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and am living here in this beautiful (yet currently FREEZING) state of Utah. I have a job, a high school degree, and many skills and talents which I have been able to hone over the years. One might look back on my relatively short life and claim that most of it has been...well to put it simply...one giant trip down the crapper, but to tell you the truth I wouldn't have it any other way!!!!!

Here are some goals I have set for the next year of my life:
1. Begin my studying of the fine art of Photography.
2. Save enough money to be able to serve a mission if I am in fact going to serve one.
3. Visit my sister in France.
4. Watch the sun rise and set in one sitting.
5. Fulfill all my callings and magnify them to the fullest.
6. Date more.
7. Bear my testimony EVERY chance I get.
8. Attend Institute classes faithfully.
9. Get a new car/ sell my current one.
10. Bring joy to those I come into contact with.

I have many more personal ones but those are my main ones that I hope to accomplish. I am really seriously working towards going on a mission and I know that is something I should be doing. I know there is a chance that some charming RM will come and sweep my off my feet and carrying off into eternity, BUT since the chances of that happening are relatively slim even though I am in Provo (the breeding grounds of the church) I am looking forward to when I can turn in my mission papers...which would be June 30, 2010 since apparently I can turn them in three months ahead of my 21st birthday. I doubt I would be ready to turn them in then but I know if I prepare myself that things will fall in place.