Colton and I aren't friends anymore. He finally decided he was too selfish to change and too much of a punk to even try and be a decent friend to me. Well okay so he only said the selfish part but whatever. I saw it coming so right now I am not really feeling anything on the matter, I just basically accepted the situation instead of fighting it. It was ridiculous because he ended it all saying I am this wonderful woman and friend and he hopes I find someone some day who will love me as much as I love them. I mean seriously what is that? You can't be like "you are so amazing" and than be like "have a good life"?! UGH
I am just bland right now about it but I figured I would just post something letting everyone know. I feel bad for him though because he really is messed up about stuff that apparently happened on the mission that he will never tell anyone about. IDK but I am worried about him.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
I choked...
My mom asked me today what it was that brought me over to the Church and I couldn't answer her right away. So many people can just blurt out what it was, but all I could say was that I prayed about it and went from there. Gee great answer Nadia, way to blow her socks off with some awesome explanation. I mean what do you say to someone who really holds no love for your religion about why you joined when every single bit of your testimony will be held under a microscope and dissected right in front of your eyes? Most people in the church would just about pee their pants for the opportunity to bear their testimony, but I know that is not what my mom was looking for. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't bring any words to my mouth. I wanted to say how I prayed and I just knew that the church is true, that everything the missionaries taught me made sense to me and how I experienced true happiness for the first time when I realized it is true. It is hard because those who are against the Church believe our "feelings" guide our faithfulness to our religion. We "feel" the church is true and that someone makes us naive and misguided, yet if we felt their church was true we would be faithful and "saved".
Is faith not the very essence of feeling? We have faith that God and Jesus Christ exist, we in fact feel it with every fiber of our beings and we act on it. Faith is what we feel. With that faith comes knowledge. Those who are against the church have faith in their belief that we are wrong. They feel and "know" we are wrong...what makes them so different than us? They have people (missionaries) that go out and try to teach members of how "wrong" the church is and we have missionaries who spread the churches message. They have enough faith in their beliefs to go and confront us and spread their beliefs on the subject and we in a way do the same except the whole confrontation part. We really aren't that different. Well obviously we are on opposite sides of the fence, but our actions are the same.
I hold a lot of love and respect for my family and I know they don't understand my decision and sometimes not even I understand fully why I got baptized, but even then I know that the Church is true. I would willingly give my life for that knowledge and truth where before I wasn't even really all that sure that God existed. It is hard to tell my family that I am happier in the Church when the last two years since I got baptized have been an up and down roller coaster for me. The fact is that the Church has nothing to do with the current state I am in. I am the only one who can be blamed for my state, in fact I caused it. I tend to hold everything in and I have created this cage for myself. Now I can see how one would think that it is somehow related to the Church, but the thing is that I have made some decisions that I haven't aired publicly that have landed me in this mess. Nothing big mind you, but decisions nevertheless.
I am not one to go out and flaunt my testimony or my conversion story. I don't freely advertise my membership and I am not one to try and include others in my church activities. I do talk about stuff that goes on at church or with my friends from church, but it is only in recounting my tale, not some weird missionary motive. I came to the church on my own terms and surprised everyone when I decided to meet with the missionaries. I know some people need the door opened for them, but I am not quite comfortable yet with doing that. I think the quiet way I went about joining has set a precedent for my church life, go about it quietly and diligently.
Is faith not the very essence of feeling? We have faith that God and Jesus Christ exist, we in fact feel it with every fiber of our beings and we act on it. Faith is what we feel. With that faith comes knowledge. Those who are against the church have faith in their belief that we are wrong. They feel and "know" we are wrong...what makes them so different than us? They have people (missionaries) that go out and try to teach members of how "wrong" the church is and we have missionaries who spread the churches message. They have enough faith in their beliefs to go and confront us and spread their beliefs on the subject and we in a way do the same except the whole confrontation part. We really aren't that different. Well obviously we are on opposite sides of the fence, but our actions are the same.
I hold a lot of love and respect for my family and I know they don't understand my decision and sometimes not even I understand fully why I got baptized, but even then I know that the Church is true. I would willingly give my life for that knowledge and truth where before I wasn't even really all that sure that God existed. It is hard to tell my family that I am happier in the Church when the last two years since I got baptized have been an up and down roller coaster for me. The fact is that the Church has nothing to do with the current state I am in. I am the only one who can be blamed for my state, in fact I caused it. I tend to hold everything in and I have created this cage for myself. Now I can see how one would think that it is somehow related to the Church, but the thing is that I have made some decisions that I haven't aired publicly that have landed me in this mess. Nothing big mind you, but decisions nevertheless.
I am not one to go out and flaunt my testimony or my conversion story. I don't freely advertise my membership and I am not one to try and include others in my church activities. I do talk about stuff that goes on at church or with my friends from church, but it is only in recounting my tale, not some weird missionary motive. I came to the church on my own terms and surprised everyone when I decided to meet with the missionaries. I know some people need the door opened for them, but I am not quite comfortable yet with doing that. I think the quiet way I went about joining has set a precedent for my church life, go about it quietly and diligently.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I miss Him
*Disclaimer* This Post is NOT about Colton...just a heads up for all of you who read this blog. Especially since most of you know me I just want to once again stress the fact that it is NOT about Colton...it is about someone else. *End Disclaimer*
I miss him...not just a simple "haven't seen him in a few days" miss him, but more like a "every second apart is like an eternity" miss him. I remember everything about him, from the way he smelt to the way his voice sounded when he would whisper in my ear. I remember the way he would hold me and how he would always say "five more minutes" even though we both knew it would be more than five minutes before either of us would let go. I miss falling asleep to the sound of his voice on the phone and I miss how he would sing our song to me whenever we were really missing each other. I miss how much we talked when we were apart and how quite we were when we were together. How his eyes would always find mine from across the room and he would wiggle his eyebrows at me and smile that crooked smile. I miss planning our trip to Ireland and comparing each movie to our future lives. I miss the way he made me feel when we were together, how we would run into each other's arms as soon as we left our own individual cars. Each reunion was a sweet as the last, and it always felt like it was our first. Now we didn't do anything immoral, but those silent moments together in that hugging embrace are something that can never be forgotten. He was always so careful with me, always making sure I wouldn't trip or that he would be the first to face any unknown danger. The first time we held hands we went on a walk around the reservoir...that was the first night he vocally brought up his feelings. He told me he thought our wedding colors should be blue and green instead of yellow and green. We were both so happy that night and so reluctant to let go.
I remember the first time he told me he loved me and when he asked me to wait for him, it was funny because we were watching Colton ask Jenny if she would be his girlfriend and I was looking at them when he turned to me and asked me to wait. I hadn't been expecting that at all, but I couldn't have been happier. We were planning on getting married a year after he got home and we even had kid's names picked out. Well one of them anyways. We were going to name our girl Sariah. We had prayed and both felt right about it and so we planned. I remember going to Box Wash with him and he showed me places and took me places I would have never been on my own. He even wrote a song for me and a poem about us. We shared everything with each other and about each other. Yes at times we did fight but it was because he had to hide from his parents our relationship. I hated not being able to be with him in public...yes we were together in public but you wouldn't know we were more than plain old friends. We would fight about that and I would get mad because I never felt like he felt the same, I should have known then that he didn't show affection like I did and do because he just wasn't ready to, and he was preparing for a mission. Even after all this time I still care for him deeply and even on the same level as back than.
When he broke things off he asked if he could look me up when he gets home. Before he left he asked me to write him. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be back in our hometown before he got home and the ironic thing is that I will most likely still be here when he gets home. I don't know what the future brings and I don't know what I am going to do, but all I know is that we were brought together some years ago by chance and no matter how hard I try to get away I keep getting brought back. Maybe Barbara was right in saying that He and I aren't done yet....that things won't get figured out until he gets home.
Only Heavenly Father knows and all I can do is put my trust in Him.
I miss him...not just a simple "haven't seen him in a few days" miss him, but more like a "every second apart is like an eternity" miss him. I remember everything about him, from the way he smelt to the way his voice sounded when he would whisper in my ear. I remember the way he would hold me and how he would always say "five more minutes" even though we both knew it would be more than five minutes before either of us would let go. I miss falling asleep to the sound of his voice on the phone and I miss how he would sing our song to me whenever we were really missing each other. I miss how much we talked when we were apart and how quite we were when we were together. How his eyes would always find mine from across the room and he would wiggle his eyebrows at me and smile that crooked smile. I miss planning our trip to Ireland and comparing each movie to our future lives. I miss the way he made me feel when we were together, how we would run into each other's arms as soon as we left our own individual cars. Each reunion was a sweet as the last, and it always felt like it was our first. Now we didn't do anything immoral, but those silent moments together in that hugging embrace are something that can never be forgotten. He was always so careful with me, always making sure I wouldn't trip or that he would be the first to face any unknown danger. The first time we held hands we went on a walk around the reservoir...that was the first night he vocally brought up his feelings. He told me he thought our wedding colors should be blue and green instead of yellow and green. We were both so happy that night and so reluctant to let go.
I remember the first time he told me he loved me and when he asked me to wait for him, it was funny because we were watching Colton ask Jenny if she would be his girlfriend and I was looking at them when he turned to me and asked me to wait. I hadn't been expecting that at all, but I couldn't have been happier. We were planning on getting married a year after he got home and we even had kid's names picked out. Well one of them anyways. We were going to name our girl Sariah. We had prayed and both felt right about it and so we planned. I remember going to Box Wash with him and he showed me places and took me places I would have never been on my own. He even wrote a song for me and a poem about us. We shared everything with each other and about each other. Yes at times we did fight but it was because he had to hide from his parents our relationship. I hated not being able to be with him in public...yes we were together in public but you wouldn't know we were more than plain old friends. We would fight about that and I would get mad because I never felt like he felt the same, I should have known then that he didn't show affection like I did and do because he just wasn't ready to, and he was preparing for a mission. Even after all this time I still care for him deeply and even on the same level as back than.
When he broke things off he asked if he could look me up when he gets home. Before he left he asked me to write him. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be back in our hometown before he got home and the ironic thing is that I will most likely still be here when he gets home. I don't know what the future brings and I don't know what I am going to do, but all I know is that we were brought together some years ago by chance and no matter how hard I try to get away I keep getting brought back. Maybe Barbara was right in saying that He and I aren't done yet....that things won't get figured out until he gets home.
Only Heavenly Father knows and all I can do is put my trust in Him.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
It is an off night
Where did everything go so wrong? Seriously I had my whole life planned out and all of a sudden it was like the floor just dropped out form under me and all there was was air. I am prepetually falling and falling and falling and I can't grab a hold of anything solid. The only times I actually feel realy happiness is when I am in church singing away and listening to the lessons and talks or when I am hanging out with my closest friends who always know how to make me smile or with my family . Just about everything else makes me feel numb inside or it makes me want to drive off a cliff. When did my life get so...mundane??? Sometimes I just want to disappear from it all. Go to some new town and create a new me, one not tied down a a place because someone will be upset if I don't give my life over to them. Somewhere where people won't be so....controlling over a life that isn't theirs.
I want to stop falling. I want to be settled to be secure. To not have the rug swept out from under me everytime I think I have found a safe place. Someone once implied that the church has held me back, but the truth is that I am the only person who is holding me back. I am have created this cage for myself and for those around me. I let others dictate what I should do or how I should feel without them even knowing what they are doing. I have let the world see only one part fo me for so long that if I show the other half they don't understand what is happening. Panic shows in their eyes and an uncertainty shines from within. Am I the only one who truly knows who I am??? So many think I am this "free spirit" but the truth is I want nothing more than to live a quite life doing what I want to do, not what everyone wants me to do. Being free spirited does not mean I can't live a life with a family of my own! Who the heck said that can't be? Being a free spirit to me means that there are endless opportunities and ways in which I can live my own life. I can be whatever I want to be regardless of what you may think. HECK if I wanted to go live in some small village in Europe somewhere where I owned a bridal shop downstairs and lived in the apartment upstairs with my own little family who are you to say that I am being "caged in"? The only person who can cage me in is myself, by putting the limitations on myself that everyone else seems to think I need.
Those said Limitations are:
1. Too much of a free spirit to settle down
2. Too young to know what you want
3. Too inexperienced to know life
4. You simply can't do it
5. Not strong enough
6. not enough support
there is more but honestly who gives a rip anymore right? The only way I am going to succeed with what I want to do is if I just go and do it. Screw what others think, I have spent 20 years worrying about disappointing everyone when I should have been worried about disappointing myself! That is the root of it all. I am just so sick of feeling like crap because I am this big "failure" when in all actuality I am NOT a failure. Sure I have failed other's expectations, but for the most part those failures have brought some of my greatest joys. Being Baptized is one of those such moments. My family will probably go to the grave never understanding why I got baptized and really nothing I can say or do will ever make any sense to them. The only reason i got baptized was because I stopped judging the church by what others where saying and I instead went and learned for myself. What I found out was and is more real to me than anything I had ever read or heard about it before. Of course I had a huge support system too which helped the transition. Some people think my friends treated me different before I got baptized, to be honest I was the one who treated them differently. I wasn't exactly always nice about their religion...I did get invited to things more often than my family thinks. I hid most of the invites because I didn't want to hang out with them at the time or I felt like it would get too "churchy". My friends bent over backwards to try and be my friends even though a lot of the times I was anti-social and pretty rude. Heck I am still pretty rude at times, but they all still treat me the same!
I wish at times I could show my family how much happier I am in the church than I was before I joined. I mean seriously if I didn't know it was true I probably would have left by now. I mean really I probably would have left after Jaren broke up with me...heck even after Colton did! The truth is that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the truest thing on this Earth and ain't nothing going to change it.
I want to stop falling. I want to be settled to be secure. To not have the rug swept out from under me everytime I think I have found a safe place. Someone once implied that the church has held me back, but the truth is that I am the only person who is holding me back. I am have created this cage for myself and for those around me. I let others dictate what I should do or how I should feel without them even knowing what they are doing. I have let the world see only one part fo me for so long that if I show the other half they don't understand what is happening. Panic shows in their eyes and an uncertainty shines from within. Am I the only one who truly knows who I am??? So many think I am this "free spirit" but the truth is I want nothing more than to live a quite life doing what I want to do, not what everyone wants me to do. Being free spirited does not mean I can't live a life with a family of my own! Who the heck said that can't be? Being a free spirit to me means that there are endless opportunities and ways in which I can live my own life. I can be whatever I want to be regardless of what you may think. HECK if I wanted to go live in some small village in Europe somewhere where I owned a bridal shop downstairs and lived in the apartment upstairs with my own little family who are you to say that I am being "caged in"? The only person who can cage me in is myself, by putting the limitations on myself that everyone else seems to think I need.
Those said Limitations are:
1. Too much of a free spirit to settle down
2. Too young to know what you want
3. Too inexperienced to know life
4. You simply can't do it
5. Not strong enough
6. not enough support
there is more but honestly who gives a rip anymore right? The only way I am going to succeed with what I want to do is if I just go and do it. Screw what others think, I have spent 20 years worrying about disappointing everyone when I should have been worried about disappointing myself! That is the root of it all. I am just so sick of feeling like crap because I am this big "failure" when in all actuality I am NOT a failure. Sure I have failed other's expectations, but for the most part those failures have brought some of my greatest joys. Being Baptized is one of those such moments. My family will probably go to the grave never understanding why I got baptized and really nothing I can say or do will ever make any sense to them. The only reason i got baptized was because I stopped judging the church by what others where saying and I instead went and learned for myself. What I found out was and is more real to me than anything I had ever read or heard about it before. Of course I had a huge support system too which helped the transition. Some people think my friends treated me different before I got baptized, to be honest I was the one who treated them differently. I wasn't exactly always nice about their religion...I did get invited to things more often than my family thinks. I hid most of the invites because I didn't want to hang out with them at the time or I felt like it would get too "churchy". My friends bent over backwards to try and be my friends even though a lot of the times I was anti-social and pretty rude. Heck I am still pretty rude at times, but they all still treat me the same!
I wish at times I could show my family how much happier I am in the church than I was before I joined. I mean seriously if I didn't know it was true I probably would have left by now. I mean really I probably would have left after Jaren broke up with me...heck even after Colton did! The truth is that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the truest thing on this Earth and ain't nothing going to change it.
Thank Goodness!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to make a list of what I am thankful for (in no particular order of importance)
My Family
My Faith
My Friends
My Camera
My Cellphone
My Boston Terrier Piper
My Teeth ( for without them I could not chew!)
The Food I eat
The Air I breathe
My ability to swim
The song in my heart
The experiences I have had in my life
Conor Dalton and Ben may
My shoes
THE FACT THAT I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
We have too many things to be grateful for in this life and so little time to fully appreciate them! We need to go about everyday being thankful for what we have instead of giving thanks once a year. I haven't been the best with that, but lately I have been changing and trying to work harder with it. I figure if one person can do it we all can, a little thankfulness can indeed go a long way people to making this world a better place!
I just want to make a list of what I am thankful for (in no particular order of importance)
My Family
My Faith
My Friends
My Camera
My Cellphone
My Boston Terrier Piper
My Teeth ( for without them I could not chew!)
The Food I eat
The Air I breathe
My ability to swim
The song in my heart
The experiences I have had in my life
Conor Dalton and Ben may
My shoes
THE FACT THAT I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
We have too many things to be grateful for in this life and so little time to fully appreciate them! We need to go about everyday being thankful for what we have instead of giving thanks once a year. I haven't been the best with that, but lately I have been changing and trying to work harder with it. I figure if one person can do it we all can, a little thankfulness can indeed go a long way people to making this world a better place!
We Are So LOST!!!
So yesterday I got the Swine Flu Vaccine with my siblings because my mother basically demanded it of us...ANYWAYS after we got it we went and got some pizza and started to head home to have a regular ole fiesta with it you know? WRONG! We hit Traffic O_O yes we do get traffic in the butt-crack of nowhere. Usually it is because someone got into some major accident and everyone slows down on the two lane highway to look...well traffic this time was because of construction. I HATE TRAFFIC! Just letting you all know that. ANYWAYS there is this back road I am ALWAYS hearing about and have even been on (a few years ago) and so I suggested to my mother that we could take that AND get home sooner than we would if we stuck to riding it out in the traffic.
You guessed it people we got lost....well not really lost we just got stuck...in the sand...for three hours...let me tell you, when the women in my family fail we fail spectacularly. See we were going fine you know? Just mozying along this incredibly rocky fourwheeler trail along the edge of the Mesa and suddenly my mom hits the brakes because she realizes that the trail has turned all sandy and she didn't want to get stuck. Ironically it was the hitting the brakes that got us stuck and we tried to do what we could to shovel the sand out but we only sunk deeper so after an hour she called my stepdad and I texted all my friends to let them know I wouldn't be bowling with them that evening. Eventually my stepdad got out there with someone from his church and they rescued us form having to spend the night in the truck because really they barely did manage to find us out in the desert!!!
We got home heated up the pizza and ate. I was supposed to hang out with Barbara, but I was WIPED out and could barely manage to stay awake so I had to call in for a rain check. Oh wells!
*sigh* it was an awesome adventure and memory making moment!
You guessed it people we got lost....well not really lost we just got stuck...in the sand...for three hours...let me tell you, when the women in my family fail we fail spectacularly. See we were going fine you know? Just mozying along this incredibly rocky fourwheeler trail along the edge of the Mesa and suddenly my mom hits the brakes because she realizes that the trail has turned all sandy and she didn't want to get stuck. Ironically it was the hitting the brakes that got us stuck and we tried to do what we could to shovel the sand out but we only sunk deeper so after an hour she called my stepdad and I texted all my friends to let them know I wouldn't be bowling with them that evening. Eventually my stepdad got out there with someone from his church and they rescued us form having to spend the night in the truck because really they barely did manage to find us out in the desert!!!
We got home heated up the pizza and ate. I was supposed to hang out with Barbara, but I was WIPED out and could barely manage to stay awake so I had to call in for a rain check. Oh wells!
*sigh* it was an awesome adventure and memory making moment!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My lucky break
So two days into living in Nevada and I get pulled over by a cop for going ten over the lame speed limit in town. Seriosuly I shouldn't have been excited but I could not stop smiling...maybe it was because it was my first time getting pulled over and having a cop talk to me. Last time I had a run in with the law I was in the 5th grade and had finally gotten caught after years of forging my parents signatures. Anyways Barbara, Sherry, and I were on our way to see New Moon up in Mesquite but thanks to Sargeant Make Me Tardy we missed the movie by half an hour. Oh well though it is no big deal since the darned film is still in theaters. OH! The best part is that I didn't get a ticket or a warning or nothing. All he said was "Today is your lucky day." and than he said he needed to pul out in front of me because he needed to go pick up his partner before they went and actually started working. Brilliant...I am going to just pass it off on my awesome personality and amazing ability to bs my way out of tough spots. Really who can give a ticket to a sweet girl who just moved to Nevada and was obviously unaware of the speed limit?
Okay luckily this cop was not one that I know or like a parent of one of my friends or something because he would than have been well aware that I am not new at all to this town. Heck I have driven on that particular spot going 20 over and not even really paying attention.
I really did get lucky though is all I am saying.
On another note, today I got in my car and I just sat there in the driveway for like 20 minutes (or shorter) and for the life of me couldn't figure out where I even wanted to go! Why is it that I can never make up my freaking mind and that when I do it is always this spontaneously fantastic fail of an idea but at the same time it is brilliant? Like....putting fireworks in a balzing fire....stupid idea with awesome results. Anywho I wanted to drive to Box Wash since the last time I was there was over a year ago, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it since...well nevermind that is too personal for even me to post on the internet! Let's just say that place is my special spot with someone and there are a lot of good memories there as well as a lot of ghosts that I probably shouldn't be bringing up.
Going to get the Swine Flu Vaccine today. UGH!!!
Okay luckily this cop was not one that I know or like a parent of one of my friends or something because he would than have been well aware that I am not new at all to this town. Heck I have driven on that particular spot going 20 over and not even really paying attention.
I really did get lucky though is all I am saying.
On another note, today I got in my car and I just sat there in the driveway for like 20 minutes (or shorter) and for the life of me couldn't figure out where I even wanted to go! Why is it that I can never make up my freaking mind and that when I do it is always this spontaneously fantastic fail of an idea but at the same time it is brilliant? Like....putting fireworks in a balzing fire....stupid idea with awesome results. Anywho I wanted to drive to Box Wash since the last time I was there was over a year ago, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it since...well nevermind that is too personal for even me to post on the internet! Let's just say that place is my special spot with someone and there are a lot of good memories there as well as a lot of ghosts that I probably shouldn't be bringing up.
Going to get the Swine Flu Vaccine today. UGH!!!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Now is Not the Time
Why is it that I will post something on my blog and than a little while later it seems to translate into real life? Honestly my last post really was just a random creative writing thing, but noooooo life had to go and actually creat a dark and confusing mess that makes me actually want to go and destroy someone, but at the same time I can't destroy them because a part of me (in a very sick way mind you) actually enjoyed what happened.
A "friend" who has spent the last few months treating me horribly texted me yesterday after they got to thinking about our friendship and guess what they decided...They "decided" we could be friends after all, that they would be a brilliant friend to me after months of me trying to salvage our friendship and them taking advantage of the fact that I have always been a overly decent person to them. NOTHING I have done made them decide....noooo not when I stuck by them when others bascially wanted to shun them. I made people support them while they were out on their own and I wouldn't and won't let anyone bad mouth them....but what was the deciding factor might you ask? He was at a fireside where the speaker said something about trials and what we make of them so naturally this person started talking to me.
I have been slowly letting go of this person because it really hurt too much to reach out to them just to have them slap my kindness back into my face continually. It was like helping someone up the ladder of success just to have them kick you back down to the bottom wrung and than they ask you to help them when they get stuck so you ahve to climb all the way back up just to be kicked down again. Now I am not a martyr, more like an idiot for doing that, but I would help any friend to my best extent. I don't take it lightly when someone who is supposed to be my friend spits on our friendship and than just decides one day they want to be a true friend. It isn't that simple with me and I told them that. I am not one to make people earn my friendship but than again I have never really had someone do what this person has done.
The whole point of this is that I am now confused and angry and crying a whole lot more because they went and decided to open a can of worms that they knew they shouldn't have. IDK but I am pretty sure this whole thing is not going to be done until another friend of ours gets home. That is all I am going to say.
A "friend" who has spent the last few months treating me horribly texted me yesterday after they got to thinking about our friendship and guess what they decided...They "decided" we could be friends after all, that they would be a brilliant friend to me after months of me trying to salvage our friendship and them taking advantage of the fact that I have always been a overly decent person to them. NOTHING I have done made them decide....noooo not when I stuck by them when others bascially wanted to shun them. I made people support them while they were out on their own and I wouldn't and won't let anyone bad mouth them....but what was the deciding factor might you ask? He was at a fireside where the speaker said something about trials and what we make of them so naturally this person started talking to me.
I have been slowly letting go of this person because it really hurt too much to reach out to them just to have them slap my kindness back into my face continually. It was like helping someone up the ladder of success just to have them kick you back down to the bottom wrung and than they ask you to help them when they get stuck so you ahve to climb all the way back up just to be kicked down again. Now I am not a martyr, more like an idiot for doing that, but I would help any friend to my best extent. I don't take it lightly when someone who is supposed to be my friend spits on our friendship and than just decides one day they want to be a true friend. It isn't that simple with me and I told them that. I am not one to make people earn my friendship but than again I have never really had someone do what this person has done.
The whole point of this is that I am now confused and angry and crying a whole lot more because they went and decided to open a can of worms that they knew they shouldn't have. IDK but I am pretty sure this whole thing is not going to be done until another friend of ours gets home. That is all I am going to say.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
How Could You?
**DISCLAIMER** This is NOTHING but a gander at creative writing and DOES NOT hold any kind of significance to my life....just so you all don't get worried or anything! Enjoy!!!
How could you do this to me? After all I have done for you and all the trials I went through with you! You who was supposed to care..you who was supposed to be there. Whatever happened to "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine"? Do I mean so little to you? We were supposed to make it, to be the shining example to others, but no you went and changed your mind leaving me in the dust. Everything was perfect until you went and screwed it up. Now I don't know what to do or where to go, we are both stumbling reaching out for something that is no longer there. We had it all figured out, we KNEW it would work, but your selfish insecurities led those plans astray and now we have nothing! We are no one. You fake happiness, yet I know from the look in your eyes you are plagued with questions of "what if?" Do you think me a fool to not know you better than yourself?! You of all people trying to hide from me! You never should have run, it only has prolonged this moment that is building up. This moment where truths will come flying out opening new wounds and mending old ones. I've gotten stronger in our months apart, tougher, and more able to stand on my own two feet. If you think you are going to win you need to reevaluate your technique. I know your weakest points like you USED to know mine. You can no longer hurt me, I am past the point of all feeling when it comes to you. The only purpose I will serve now is your destruction. No matter where you go or what you do I will always be one step ahead of you waiting and biding my time...waiting for the perfect moment when I can strike you down.
You thought you left me for dead, you thought you left me broken beyond all repair. How could you? You had no way of knowing that I would rise like a phoenix from the ashes. The truth is I have dealt with your kind before. So arrogant, so sure of your ability to get the job done you underestimate your opponent. In the end I will be the only one standing, in the end everything will come to light. Months of planning and preparation will not be wasted. I am a survivor, a warrior unlike any other.
...and I am coming for you.
How could you do this to me? After all I have done for you and all the trials I went through with you! You who was supposed to care..you who was supposed to be there. Whatever happened to "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine"? Do I mean so little to you? We were supposed to make it, to be the shining example to others, but no you went and changed your mind leaving me in the dust. Everything was perfect until you went and screwed it up. Now I don't know what to do or where to go, we are both stumbling reaching out for something that is no longer there. We had it all figured out, we KNEW it would work, but your selfish insecurities led those plans astray and now we have nothing! We are no one. You fake happiness, yet I know from the look in your eyes you are plagued with questions of "what if?" Do you think me a fool to not know you better than yourself?! You of all people trying to hide from me! You never should have run, it only has prolonged this moment that is building up. This moment where truths will come flying out opening new wounds and mending old ones. I've gotten stronger in our months apart, tougher, and more able to stand on my own two feet. If you think you are going to win you need to reevaluate your technique. I know your weakest points like you USED to know mine. You can no longer hurt me, I am past the point of all feeling when it comes to you. The only purpose I will serve now is your destruction. No matter where you go or what you do I will always be one step ahead of you waiting and biding my time...waiting for the perfect moment when I can strike you down.
You thought you left me for dead, you thought you left me broken beyond all repair. How could you? You had no way of knowing that I would rise like a phoenix from the ashes. The truth is I have dealt with your kind before. So arrogant, so sure of your ability to get the job done you underestimate your opponent. In the end I will be the only one standing, in the end everything will come to light. Months of planning and preparation will not be wasted. I am a survivor, a warrior unlike any other.
...and I am coming for you.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Weird
I feel so weird lately... Like I am floating above everything and just can't seem to come back down to Earth. I am moving to Nevada this week and I have to find a job which is most likely going to be pretty hard. Also I will start working on getting better. *sigh* sometimes I wonder if recovery is even possible, but I just know that it won't be if I think it is completely hopeless. I am going to be applying to places in Vegas, Mesquite, and St. George...hopefully I find one soon.
Sort of talked with Colton tonight but things are still weird..I don't know what is going on with him, but things are just...I just have a feeling that there are a lot of unsaid things between us. He was supposed to be there for me like I was for him you know? That is what friends do, but lately I don't even hear from him and the sad thing is that I just stopped trying. I thought maybe if I stopped forcing conversation that he would actually let me know he wanted to be my friend, but idk I guess he really doesn't. Oh well.
I wrote Jaren a letter the other day and boy was it a long one hahahaha I forgot how much I enjoyed talking with him and how much we would tell each other! I haven't heard from him, but I had agreed to write so I am going to uphold that promise. He is a good guy and a great friend and an even better missionary!
I am going to stop now...haven't bene feeling well the past few days. Goodnight all!
Sort of talked with Colton tonight but things are still weird..I don't know what is going on with him, but things are just...I just have a feeling that there are a lot of unsaid things between us. He was supposed to be there for me like I was for him you know? That is what friends do, but lately I don't even hear from him and the sad thing is that I just stopped trying. I thought maybe if I stopped forcing conversation that he would actually let me know he wanted to be my friend, but idk I guess he really doesn't. Oh well.
I wrote Jaren a letter the other day and boy was it a long one hahahaha I forgot how much I enjoyed talking with him and how much we would tell each other! I haven't heard from him, but I had agreed to write so I am going to uphold that promise. He is a good guy and a great friend and an even better missionary!
I am going to stop now...haven't bene feeling well the past few days. Goodnight all!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Maybe it's Time
I had a long discussion today with my mom and it made me think a whole lot...which is why I ended up pulling another all nighter...well that and this awesome movie called Frequency...anyways she and I discussed me moving out here to Nevada and what not and steps to helping me get better.
I have been suffering people and it is a physical and emotional illness that can affect my mental state. It has been getting worse and worse and I am scared. My mom works with the Nevada Mental Health District as a Medical Technician so she sees people with the same illness and she helps treat them. I am not sure completely about everything that she said, but I am seriously considering going along with it because if I don't do something soon I could very well be on my way to hospitilization. Don't freak out or anything because it isn't too serious right now.
I am worried though because part of me getting better will be me creating a barrier of sorts between me and any kind of outside influence...which can include friends, family, and other things...like religion...that is the part I am conflicted with. I wouldn't be going to any church at all during this time and I wouldn't go to any activities or be able to recieve any callings. Talking with friends would be generic and plain like only tlaking about school basics and basics of my life without delving into deep subjects.
A part of me is scared to do this and worried about cutting myself off from everyone, but the other part of me knows that I need to do this in order to get better. Also I know that if I do something like this that the chances of me going on a mission will be slim to none. I would essentially be cutting myself off spiritually in order for the rest of me to get better...idk how to put it because my words aren't coming out right. I KNOW the church is true and NOTHING will ever change that.
I know what I have to do...I just don't know how I am going to do it. Gonna see if my mom will let me take the buick for a drive tomorrow. I need to get out of the house and do some thinking.
I have been suffering people and it is a physical and emotional illness that can affect my mental state. It has been getting worse and worse and I am scared. My mom works with the Nevada Mental Health District as a Medical Technician so she sees people with the same illness and she helps treat them. I am not sure completely about everything that she said, but I am seriously considering going along with it because if I don't do something soon I could very well be on my way to hospitilization. Don't freak out or anything because it isn't too serious right now.
I am worried though because part of me getting better will be me creating a barrier of sorts between me and any kind of outside influence...which can include friends, family, and other things...like religion...that is the part I am conflicted with. I wouldn't be going to any church at all during this time and I wouldn't go to any activities or be able to recieve any callings. Talking with friends would be generic and plain like only tlaking about school basics and basics of my life without delving into deep subjects.
A part of me is scared to do this and worried about cutting myself off from everyone, but the other part of me knows that I need to do this in order to get better. Also I know that if I do something like this that the chances of me going on a mission will be slim to none. I would essentially be cutting myself off spiritually in order for the rest of me to get better...idk how to put it because my words aren't coming out right. I KNOW the church is true and NOTHING will ever change that.
I know what I have to do...I just don't know how I am going to do it. Gonna see if my mom will let me take the buick for a drive tomorrow. I need to get out of the house and do some thinking.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Could It be?
Tonight I talked with a good friend about something and it made me realize that what I have been missing for awhile is something I may already have! I love being cryptic....XD
I don't want to say anything outright because usually it jinxes it for me, but if I do in fact have already what I have been missing I will be sure to be telling everyone and everything hahahaha Chances are though that it isn't exactly what I think it is and I am wrong again but hey it is never wrong to just check and make sure before you go off looking for it in some other place.
So I totally stumbled across this new blog Called "Single LDS Chick(s)" and I LOVE IT!!!!!! I have never promoted another blog (because I love you all equally), but since they are new and have only two followers (one of them is me) I thought I would totally lend them a hand. These girls have some drama going on like no other! But the basis of their blog is pretty good I do have to say....even though I am not really sure if it is for reals although I am pretty sure it is hahaha!!! :D
My sister Erica's room smells like cat lady house for some reason...whenever I leave the room and come back in I get visions of cabbage and cat litter in my head and I think that if something smells like that without having cabbage or cat litter than something is really wrong. I know it is not me because I went and sniffed all my clothing to make sure. Maybe when the room was unoccupied the kitties used it as their own bedroom or something. IDK but eew I am going to have to OUST the room or GLADE it or something!
I don't want to say anything outright because usually it jinxes it for me, but if I do in fact have already what I have been missing I will be sure to be telling everyone and everything hahahaha Chances are though that it isn't exactly what I think it is and I am wrong again but hey it is never wrong to just check and make sure before you go off looking for it in some other place.
So I totally stumbled across this new blog Called "Single LDS Chick(s)" and I LOVE IT!!!!!! I have never promoted another blog (because I love you all equally), but since they are new and have only two followers (one of them is me) I thought I would totally lend them a hand. These girls have some drama going on like no other! But the basis of their blog is pretty good I do have to say....even though I am not really sure if it is for reals although I am pretty sure it is hahaha!!! :D
My sister Erica's room smells like cat lady house for some reason...whenever I leave the room and come back in I get visions of cabbage and cat litter in my head and I think that if something smells like that without having cabbage or cat litter than something is really wrong. I know it is not me because I went and sniffed all my clothing to make sure. Maybe when the room was unoccupied the kitties used it as their own bedroom or something. IDK but eew I am going to have to OUST the room or GLADE it or something!
Monday, November 9, 2009
I worry
There are a lot of things in my life that I worry about and things that I worry won't ever happen for me. I want so much for my life...to accomplish so much, but it seems like everyone else gets to accomplish MY goals for themselves. Where is the justice in that? Why do others get to live out my dreams??
I have a friend who I have come to care about greatly and lately he hasn't been talking to anyone, but he gets on facebook and puts up these statuses that are really starting to worry me. I am trying to get him to at least acknowledge that he is okay ro at least get him to touch base with me, but nothing! I got a text from him last week but it wasn't anything really...just one and after that nothing! I am only freaking out because I KNOW him and I know his past and I am afraid of the avenues he could end up traveling once again if he is in that mindset. Everything seemed to be going so well for him and I don't know what could ahve turned it all around, but he did mention something about not being able to live with women or drink them away so I am guessing some douchebag female did something to him.
He needs a hug in the worst way.
I was talking to Barbara today and I was telling her how I found out via facebook that Colton went on a date. It was interesting to me because I was happy for him but at the same time I wanted to punch him in the nads for going out and dating girls. Don't get me wrong I am NOT hung up on him I just think that it is entirely unjust that he did what he did how he did it AND he is the one who is getting the dates (this is not the frist one since he dumped me) and I am the one who the guys basically ignore except when asking for advice about other girls. What the Hell is up with that???
Excuse the language please. I have been in a weird funk the past month or so and I am reaching my breaking point for the most part so my language is slowly deteriorating with my mind....well selectively anyways.
Oh on a positive note my youngest sister turned 13!!! WOOT WOOT! She got a ton of clothes and pjs and a pokemon game (save us all!) for her birthday as well as a family heirloom! The girl raked in the presents I tell ya! What I got for my 13 birthday was my dad and his second wife fighting publicly at my birthday dinner...awkward but there was good fettucine involved so all was well!! I do believe I had my first slumber party, but I don't really remember the details too well except we played this weird game where we drew spiders blindfolded (the party was Halloween themed).
I hate Spiders.
I have a friend who I have come to care about greatly and lately he hasn't been talking to anyone, but he gets on facebook and puts up these statuses that are really starting to worry me. I am trying to get him to at least acknowledge that he is okay ro at least get him to touch base with me, but nothing! I got a text from him last week but it wasn't anything really...just one and after that nothing! I am only freaking out because I KNOW him and I know his past and I am afraid of the avenues he could end up traveling once again if he is in that mindset. Everything seemed to be going so well for him and I don't know what could ahve turned it all around, but he did mention something about not being able to live with women or drink them away so I am guessing some douchebag female did something to him.
He needs a hug in the worst way.
I was talking to Barbara today and I was telling her how I found out via facebook that Colton went on a date. It was interesting to me because I was happy for him but at the same time I wanted to punch him in the nads for going out and dating girls. Don't get me wrong I am NOT hung up on him I just think that it is entirely unjust that he did what he did how he did it AND he is the one who is getting the dates (this is not the frist one since he dumped me) and I am the one who the guys basically ignore except when asking for advice about other girls. What the Hell is up with that???
Excuse the language please. I have been in a weird funk the past month or so and I am reaching my breaking point for the most part so my language is slowly deteriorating with my mind....well selectively anyways.
Oh on a positive note my youngest sister turned 13!!! WOOT WOOT! She got a ton of clothes and pjs and a pokemon game (save us all!) for her birthday as well as a family heirloom! The girl raked in the presents I tell ya! What I got for my 13 birthday was my dad and his second wife fighting publicly at my birthday dinner...awkward but there was good fettucine involved so all was well!! I do believe I had my first slumber party, but I don't really remember the details too well except we played this weird game where we drew spiders blindfolded (the party was Halloween themed).
I hate Spiders.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
PREGNANT!!!
MY BEST FRIEND JENNY IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!
She is due in July of 2010 and we are all sooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just KNEW she was when she called me....I mean she basically always talks to me over text so I just knew something was up. I called her back when the birthday dinner for my sister Taylor was done and BAM right away I asked her if she was pregnant and TADA I was right!!!!!! Dennis and Jenny are going to be the cutest parents ever! Congratulations to them on a job well done!
ALMOST makes me wish I was married and had one on the way
...almost
maybe after I serve a mission...if I end up (I surely hope so) going on one!
She is due in July of 2010 and we are all sooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just KNEW she was when she called me....I mean she basically always talks to me over text so I just knew something was up. I called her back when the birthday dinner for my sister Taylor was done and BAM right away I asked her if she was pregnant and TADA I was right!!!!!! Dennis and Jenny are going to be the cutest parents ever! Congratulations to them on a job well done!
ALMOST makes me wish I was married and had one on the way
...almost
maybe after I serve a mission...if I end up (I surely hope so) going on one!
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