Where did everything go so wrong? Seriously I had my whole life planned out and all of a sudden it was like the floor just dropped out form under me and all there was was air. I am prepetually falling and falling and falling and I can't grab a hold of anything solid. The only times I actually feel realy happiness is when I am in church singing away and listening to the lessons and talks or when I am hanging out with my closest friends who always know how to make me smile or with my family . Just about everything else makes me feel numb inside or it makes me want to drive off a cliff. When did my life get so...mundane??? Sometimes I just want to disappear from it all. Go to some new town and create a new me, one not tied down a a place because someone will be upset if I don't give my life over to them. Somewhere where people won't be so....controlling over a life that isn't theirs.
I want to stop falling. I want to be settled to be secure. To not have the rug swept out from under me everytime I think I have found a safe place. Someone once implied that the church has held me back, but the truth is that I am the only person who is holding me back. I am have created this cage for myself and for those around me. I let others dictate what I should do or how I should feel without them even knowing what they are doing. I have let the world see only one part fo me for so long that if I show the other half they don't understand what is happening. Panic shows in their eyes and an uncertainty shines from within. Am I the only one who truly knows who I am??? So many think I am this "free spirit" but the truth is I want nothing more than to live a quite life doing what I want to do, not what everyone wants me to do. Being free spirited does not mean I can't live a life with a family of my own! Who the heck said that can't be? Being a free spirit to me means that there are endless opportunities and ways in which I can live my own life. I can be whatever I want to be regardless of what you may think. HECK if I wanted to go live in some small village in Europe somewhere where I owned a bridal shop downstairs and lived in the apartment upstairs with my own little family who are you to say that I am being "caged in"? The only person who can cage me in is myself, by putting the limitations on myself that everyone else seems to think I need.
Those said Limitations are:
1. Too much of a free spirit to settle down
2. Too young to know what you want
3. Too inexperienced to know life
4. You simply can't do it
5. Not strong enough
6. not enough support
there is more but honestly who gives a rip anymore right? The only way I am going to succeed with what I want to do is if I just go and do it. Screw what others think, I have spent 20 years worrying about disappointing everyone when I should have been worried about disappointing myself! That is the root of it all. I am just so sick of feeling like crap because I am this big "failure" when in all actuality I am NOT a failure. Sure I have failed other's expectations, but for the most part those failures have brought some of my greatest joys. Being Baptized is one of those such moments. My family will probably go to the grave never understanding why I got baptized and really nothing I can say or do will ever make any sense to them. The only reason i got baptized was because I stopped judging the church by what others where saying and I instead went and learned for myself. What I found out was and is more real to me than anything I had ever read or heard about it before. Of course I had a huge support system too which helped the transition. Some people think my friends treated me different before I got baptized, to be honest I was the one who treated them differently. I wasn't exactly always nice about their religion...I did get invited to things more often than my family thinks. I hid most of the invites because I didn't want to hang out with them at the time or I felt like it would get too "churchy". My friends bent over backwards to try and be my friends even though a lot of the times I was anti-social and pretty rude. Heck I am still pretty rude at times, but they all still treat me the same!
I wish at times I could show my family how much happier I am in the church than I was before I joined. I mean seriously if I didn't know it was true I probably would have left by now. I mean really I probably would have left after Jaren broke up with me...heck even after Colton did! The truth is that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the truest thing on this Earth and ain't nothing going to change it.
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