My mom asked me today what it was that brought me over to the Church and I couldn't answer her right away. So many people can just blurt out what it was, but all I could say was that I prayed about it and went from there. Gee great answer Nadia, way to blow her socks off with some awesome explanation. I mean what do you say to someone who really holds no love for your religion about why you joined when every single bit of your testimony will be held under a microscope and dissected right in front of your eyes? Most people in the church would just about pee their pants for the opportunity to bear their testimony, but I know that is not what my mom was looking for. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't bring any words to my mouth. I wanted to say how I prayed and I just knew that the church is true, that everything the missionaries taught me made sense to me and how I experienced true happiness for the first time when I realized it is true. It is hard because those who are against the Church believe our "feelings" guide our faithfulness to our religion. We "feel" the church is true and that someone makes us naive and misguided, yet if we felt their church was true we would be faithful and "saved".
Is faith not the very essence of feeling? We have faith that God and Jesus Christ exist, we in fact feel it with every fiber of our beings and we act on it. Faith is what we feel. With that faith comes knowledge. Those who are against the church have faith in their belief that we are wrong. They feel and "know" we are wrong...what makes them so different than us? They have people (missionaries) that go out and try to teach members of how "wrong" the church is and we have missionaries who spread the churches message. They have enough faith in their beliefs to go and confront us and spread their beliefs on the subject and we in a way do the same except the whole confrontation part. We really aren't that different. Well obviously we are on opposite sides of the fence, but our actions are the same.
I hold a lot of love and respect for my family and I know they don't understand my decision and sometimes not even I understand fully why I got baptized, but even then I know that the Church is true. I would willingly give my life for that knowledge and truth where before I wasn't even really all that sure that God existed. It is hard to tell my family that I am happier in the Church when the last two years since I got baptized have been an up and down roller coaster for me. The fact is that the Church has nothing to do with the current state I am in. I am the only one who can be blamed for my state, in fact I caused it. I tend to hold everything in and I have created this cage for myself. Now I can see how one would think that it is somehow related to the Church, but the thing is that I have made some decisions that I haven't aired publicly that have landed me in this mess. Nothing big mind you, but decisions nevertheless.
I am not one to go out and flaunt my testimony or my conversion story. I don't freely advertise my membership and I am not one to try and include others in my church activities. I do talk about stuff that goes on at church or with my friends from church, but it is only in recounting my tale, not some weird missionary motive. I came to the church on my own terms and surprised everyone when I decided to meet with the missionaries. I know some people need the door opened for them, but I am not quite comfortable yet with doing that. I think the quiet way I went about joining has set a precedent for my church life, go about it quietly and diligently.
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