He's funny.

I've decided that my husband is a funny and sweet guy, whether he will admit it or not. Every passing day he surprises me by just how affectionate he is. He is a big pain in my butt, but for the most part he is this charming nurturing man. For example we went and got hot chocolate from the local gas station (mainly because we are idiots) and soon after we were both feeling sick and gross from drinking the sludge. While he was suffering as much as I was he spent that time comforting me as I have been so emotional lately I was crying from it. He's been doing a lot of that lately, being comforting. He sends me uplifting messages while I'm at work and goes out of his way to make sure I am feeling loved.
I say all of this because last night he told me something that brought a whole new level to our relationship and marriage. I'm not sharing what because that's between us, but I couldn't helpful think about how even though I constantly share such thoughts and he knows what I'm thinking, when he shares it always brings this new element to us. We constantly ask each other what we're thinking and he never fails to make me smile.
If anyone asks me what the success to our marriage is and has been I would have to say the honesty we share and that we strive to make each other happy.

Husband bragging moment over!

Doing What I Can

It's hard. This living thing is hard. Most days I just want to lay in bed all day and not do anything. The effort it takes to constantly breathe sometimes is just simply too much. It always seems though that as soon as my thinking turns darker than is manageable, my husband finds a way to shine light into the darkness of my mind.

I was looking at photos of myself over the years. Those times when I hadn't a clue in the world what I was worth. I thought I was ugly and not worth being loved. That I was broken, damaged beyond repair. I grew up fast, and I grew old beyond my physical years. I have been tired and weary for so long; my personal demons weighing and breaking me down further and further.

All of that changed when I met Jonathan. I had never felt so compelled towards another as I did him. I was taken in by his honesty and how willing he was to share his own demons with me. I had just wanted a friend, someone to talk to and hangout with since our friends got married. I ended up with so much more.

Sometimes my husband takes both my demons and his upon his back, just so I can breathe and find my strength again. Other times (not as often as I would like) he lets me shoulder his load for awhile. We're working together to help each other live. He makes me want to live, he makes me want to see what the future has and without having to plan everything out right now! He inspires me to dream and hope for things I haven't in a long while, and he listens with a calm and loving patience.

We are by no means perfect, we're as damaged as they get, but we were made for each other in a way I don't expect many to understand. We only dated for a little over a month before we got engaged, but everyday he proves to me that Heavenly Father led us to each other right when we needed it.

I don't know how this turned into a post about my awesome husband, but hey it's what needed to come out apparently. So if anyone is reading this, don't be afraid to get up and live, find someone or something worth living for. I'm learning to live for myself through my husband's help, but we all have the ability to love ourselves no matter how hard life may seem.

Don't worry lovelies, it gets better.

How far we come.

Looking back on older blog posts I have realized just how far I have come from who I was in 2009 when I started this blog. Yes I am still the sappy love sick woman I always have been, but slowly I've written about more than just my struggles with love. I want to tell cb people that if they want to really know me they should read things I've posted, but than I know I'll end up censoring posts/ be embarrassed by things I wrote about years ago.

I guess it's the same for every blogger out there though, we all post things we look back on in embarrassment. Heck, I read all of them tonight and just barely realized how personal I get in them. This has become a personally public diary of sorts for me over the years and I look back and see who I was and with some of my posts all I can do is shake my head in regret.
Don't mistake what I'm saying, I do not regret my life experiences. Very little in my life is worth changing. Most of my regrets are from this past year or so, but the younger me has to stay the same. I went through a lot to get to where I am and where I am is a pretty rocking place y'know?

So yes I've had many (slightly obsessive) "loves" and posted a great deal about it, but if you look close enough you'll see the struggles of a young woman looking for her own special person and place in this world. I've delved a lot over the years into my depression and struggles with my self-esteem and body image. I've shared loss of loved ones and joys of others and personal anecdotes of day to day adventures.

This blog is my life. It's a little piece of me thrown out there onto the internet. I'm not perfect and neither is this blog, but it's me and that's what makes it so great. I don't pretend to be normal and I never will. So I hope you enjoy it, I hope you read it, and I hope that in some way it changes you and gives you a new perspective of your world through someone else's experiences.

Another year down

So my birthday was a couple weeks ago and I found myself where I normally am around that thine of year. I get so super reflective that it's almost depressing. This year was a bit different in that I have the hubby with me and my life is so completely different than I thought it would be, and it is different in all the right ways.

This last year I managed (in no particular order)to lose and regain my two best friends, I got married, changed jobs, moved out on my own (no roommates til the hubs), actually lost weight, cut my hair, learned to accept the help of others, learned to somewhat be okay with myself, Read the whole Book of Mormon, made homemade bread, cooked in general, saw my brother Zachary for the first time in forever, and so much more.

A year ago on my birthday I was a couple weeks away from having my best friend get married, I was thinking I was going to be alone forever after finding out I had kissed another frog, I hated my job, felt trapped at home, and was depressed in general. I wanted to go on a mission or move or do something, but Heavenly Father kept telling me to wait. A few weeks later Jonathan and I started talking and the rest is history.

I've come so far in a year and I know that this next one is going to be just as brilliant. I didn't do much for my bday as far as celebrating goes. I had requested the day off so it was nice to just relax at home. Jonathan got me the FireFly series and a HUGE rice krispy treat (and I mean huge)and than we went and had dinner...I forget where though haha I think inside scoop. My memory is so shoddy.

Anyways it was another quite birthday after another hectic year. Here's to this next one and hopefully it's as crazy wonderful as the last!

The one where we clean

I'm going through a cleaning process in my life. Both in the home and in my heart. It sounds so cheesy to admit it, but there is a much needed, uh, need for it.

Homewise we haven't been very good with the cleaning. A photo has been attached of the state our living room has been in for TWO WHOLE MONTHS!!!!! I HAVE to do something about it and soon! We've been tackling the kitchen together thankfully, but I want to get this place nice looking so we can have people over and not be ashamed or have to make excuses. Also I always feel better with a clean environment. I once was told a clean home invites the Holy Ghost to reside in it...you know the whole" no unclean thing" and it totally makes sense. Why would we feel The Spirit if we are living in filfth?

Heartwise I am striving to be more spiritually minded. We haven't been doing so hot on reading the scriptures and praying. If we cook together we say a prayer, but we don't often have that opportunity. Some spiritual support I am right? The guilt is even worse when I think about how we should be working on being temple worthy. We are paying tithing though so that's a good start, but we need to actually get to church. A few of the weekends I have had to work, but sometimes I just end up sleeping through and I end up kicking myself over it. Satan knows just how to hold me back from my full potential and at times it feels like I just let the stinker win. Well not anymore!

We've promised each other that we'll do our best to help the other be more spiritually minded and we are making Christ the center of our home and marriage. Sometimes all we need is a little bit of cleaning up to put us in the right mindset. :)

The one with the dream

So I woke up this morning cracking up and the hubs was looking at me like I am crazy. What was the cause of the hilarity?

I had a dream and for some reason I called someone in it a toilet. Apparently it was very hilarious and I laughed for a solid ten minutes before drifting back to sleep.

I don't remember what the wording was exactly or what was even happening but I do remember crying because I was breathlessly trying to explain just what was so hilarious to Jonathan.

Poor guy just called me crazy and rolled over and went back to sleep. He must love me so to put up with such shenanigans. Apparently it's a common occurrence in the Saunders household. I talk a lot in my sleep and he will amuse himself by interacting with me.

And all I get from him is mumbles...:(

Aaaand sleep fails me

Work will be here soon and I know once the alarm goes off I am going to regret not trying just a wee bit harder to sleep. It's hard sometimes to tell my brain to shut up and go to aleep. Especially when said brain is simply refusing to pay you any mind. Stupid head.

Well since we're here let's chat a bit. For those of you who are possibly just joining the conversation I bid you welcome. This is the Adventures of Nadia (Me) and most , if not all of these posts, offer insight into my small insignificant dent on this planet. For those who have been a part of the conversation for awhile, I thank you ....also you can stop worrying about my baby post. It's not happening. Not for awhile. Let's just say I came to my senses and realized I am incredibly selfish and want my husband all to me for as long as Heavenly Father will allow it. I know everything happens in its own time and I'm claiming temporary insanity brought on by pinterest and facebook. Babies are everywhere and its like some kind of adorable plague!

Well tata for now....the hubs will be home soon and will be quite upset that I have yet again failed to sleep when I should. Poor dear worries about it more than he should. Definitely going to use it as an excuse for a snuggle naptime tomorrow!!

Birthday wishes..

How do you tell someone that what you want for your birthday is something they cN't give to you right now/ won't give to you? How do you explain that the very gift on your mind is something you shouldn't want? See the hubs keeps asking what I want for my birthday in a few weeks and all that keeps popping into my mind is a baby. ...I know. We've been married for almost two months and already I got baby on the brain. I'm thinking exposure to all these pregnant women and newborns is to blame. I can't get the idea out of my head and its driving me nuts. I already know the arguements for not having one right now, but it still just won't leave! *sigh* The worst part is that I don't even know how to tell him and i'm too scared/ embarassed about my change of heart to say anything. I've been saying since day one that I don't want any right away and now its on my mind waaaay to often to even be comfortable about.

I've been stressing about this and I keep trying to talk myself out of it. We don't have the money, we don't have any school finished, our apartment isn't big enough, I don't have insurance, we just got married, and a whole list of other things that make valid arguements...and than it all goes away in the blink of an eye. Every. Single. Arguement. *POOF* Gone with the wind, never to be seen again. At least until the next day when the cycle begins again.

What's a girl to do? Can someone out there lend a hand or some helpful advice?

The one where I pet sit

So forever and a day ago I created a profile on care.com to.offer services like petsitting, babysitting, tutoring, etc and I never really had anyone send me a response or anything... I actually had quite forgotten about it when.suddenly I get an email from a prospective parent of the four cutest dogs ever!

She wanted to do a meet and greet to see if I would be able to help her, especially since she is here in Moapa Valley for a few months. Well right away as I enter the dogs stampede my way and start loving all up on me. It was ridiculous and I loved it. Apparently they loved me and a trial sit was set for a couple days later.

Let me say these dogs are the most easygoing animals ever. They get worn out from the heat easy so after a little bit of outside play they want back in and its snoozeville from there. I've decided that I love petsitting. Something about being with these dogs makes me extremely relaxed and happy. I feel blessed to be able to spend time with them...even when they are going crazy inside since outside is storming.

So far I've made in two days of sitting, what I earn in a week of working my other job. These pet parents want the best for their furbabies and I don't blame them. While they are here I am going to enjoy being able to help them and I'm not going to lie the extra money is nice. The hubs and I are going to put the money into savings :) Hopefully this will help us save a pretty penny and help us not be so strapped at times!

These dogs are seriously becoming my favorite way to spend the day. It isn't a job so much as spending time with some four-legged friends each week :)

The one were we feel "special"

So I've been in my apartment for a little over eight months now, okay thats over half a year, and all this time I have been puzzled as to why the walk-in pantry is void of its own light source. The hubby and I would joke about getting one of those push on night lights for in there, but never got around to it.Thankfully we hadn't otherwise this already embarassing situation would have been made worse. There is in fact a light. It just doesn't have a bulb in the socket. There is even a nifty little light switch right on the inside of the pantry by the door.

...this is where I hang my head in shame.

How we never noticed it before is beyond me. We had been in there looking at our options for dinner and he turned around and all of a sudden is asking what the switch went to. Naturally we started looking and lo and behold there is the sad empty little lightbulb house.

After we stopped staring at it incredously we laughed for a few minutes and than we started feeling like the couple of fools we are.

Let this be a lesson to you all. ALWAYS look...even when you think you have looked, look again!

It Works...it really does!

Here it is! The long awaited posting about what has been consuming my life lately! It Works Global and their Uh-MAZING products!Back in June I signed up as a distributor for It Works (link to my site below) and I haven't looked back! I did it on a whim, a shot in the dark, a hope for a better future and so far I haven't done too bad! The best part is that I managed to get a couple wraps on me before the wedding and I didn't have to have my dress taken out at all! The zipper had been a little bit close to popping, but after being wrapped it fit perfectly, if not just a little loose.

For those who don't know what a wrap is, it is a nonwoven cloth that has a natural botanically based lotion on it. You place the wrap on, wrap yourself up in an ace bandage or form fitting shirt or even tights and 45 minutes later you take it off, rub the remaining lotion in and VOILA! There should be some shrinkage, but the amazing thing is that over the next 72 hours YOU KEEP LOSING!!! You just have to make sure you drink plenty of water to help flush out the toxins being released from your fat cells. This isn't water weight happening. It is inch loss. The lotion helps to shrink fat cells which expand when they are loaded down with toxic junk...and water helps to flush it right out!

I and so many others have experience the magic of this wrap and the other products sold. If you want to know more about it works click the link.below and search around. You can message me through my contact information on the site if you wish to know more!

Http://workitnowwithnadia.myitworks.com

How I stopped stressing

For those of you who have followed this blog for awhile, and those who have just clicked on it, you know I have had a long and ardous struggle with depression and anxiety. Heck most of my most emotional (and more popular) posts were done in times of great sorrow. Last year I elected to stop taking the anti-depressants I was on. I didn't like feeling like a zombie, and I didn't like all the side effects that come with those medications. I've struggled with that on and off and while I've been an emotional train wreck at times, I have been happier off of them.

It got to a point though where, especially now that I'm married, my emotional stability (already fragile) was being completely obliterated. Poor Hubby has had to comfort me almost every day for the past couple of months as stress piled with other emotional traumas piled up. I decided to do something about it and as you know from previous posts I am a distributor for IT Works Global and I have started taking the Confianza supplements they have. It is an anti-stess formula that has also amazingly been helping with my depression! I've only been taking it for a week so far, but after years of living how I was I can honestly say I feel amazing.

The best part is that there aren't any side effects! It is hard to explain just how clouded and poisonous my thoughts/ feelings were, but let me tell you I have been able to think.more clearly than even when I was on antidepressants. I understand I've been on it for a week, and most people wouldn't take anyone at their word for it, but for the first time in my life I am actually happy and I don't get irritated or stressed at the drop of a dime. My anxiety levels have dropped and even in situations that made me snap or cry last week I am able to get through with ease!

I will continue to take Confianza because it is a natural supplement, it doesn't give me side effects (who needs to be jittery like a junkie?), and it gives me the ability to be in control of.my.emotions and notnthe other way around.

If you want to know more about whats in it, or how much it costs check out my site:
http://workitnowwithnadia.myitworks.com

Or comment below :) It really is worth a look.

The one where I got married

On July 20, 2013 at around 5:30 pm I, Nadia, married the love of my ever exciting life. The man with whom I will continue to have my adventures with, Jonathan, who will from.here on out be known as the hubby, the hubs, the manchild, or simply the man.

It was glorious, stupendous, and didn't happen as we thought it would. See we originally had planned on being sealed at the Las Vegas LDS Temple, buuuuuuut because we are in fact human, AND the importance of entering the temple worthily is not lost upon us, we elected to have a civil ceremony. Fear not though! In year we will be sealed! There will be further posting on this subject, but for now we discuss the wedding itself.

Naturally it started out with hair and makeup being done. I am not the hair and makeup type of girl, but I figured it was a special day so why not? The wee one (my littlest sister) was not amused at having to have her hair all prettified but she, as a bridesmaid, had the obligation to do so. The other girls were ecstatic about it and the best part was seeing my mom get treated as well! When Melinda (link provided below) was starting my makeup I though she was going to be working on the front of my hair, imagine my surprise when suddenly she was touching my face! I almost told her to calm her hormones until I realized I was paying her to do that. (I told you guys I don't normally wear makeup) She did an amazing job and was so patient the whole time. Airbrush makeup is definitely the way to go! She even managed to get rid of the dark circles under my eyes that are naturally there! I felt as beautiful as everyone says I was and that is something that rarely happens.

Thankfully after getting beautimous we all got to enjoy a luncheon of delicious BBQ that the new inlaws cooked up....a couple weeks later and there is still a TON of it left over! It was so nice to relax and just eat. When I walked up, Jonathan's first response was to tell me I looked different. Apparently at first he didn't recognize me, but hey, he had never seen me in makeup before so I don't blame him :)

It was nice to have some time between the luncheon and photos to spend with my girls Jenny and Kami. Those sweethearts painted my nails and my toes. One did my fingers and one my toes at the same time! I felt fancy as heck by the treatment!! Jenny's husband took a photo of it and posted it on facebook....even had the nerve to call me Bridezilla! We were laughing pretty hard when I saw it. When we got to the church after we were the first ones there besides the photographer Reyanna (link provided below). We had told everyone to be there around 4 and it wasn't until after that they started arriving. I was in my dress and dying before Jonathan was even ready! Finally we got the photos squared away (even did first look photos) and it was time to get married!!!

President Dalley had President Leavitt say an opening prayer and my brother aaron was our music guy. The processional happened and the place was packed!!! President Dalley said many a lovely words and when talking to Jonathan he mentioned something about taming dragons. Immediately after he turned to me and began speaking....don't know what that means, but yeah lol he covered by saying I have to help Jonathan conquer said dragons.

Anyways we got married, signed our certificate and than partied!!! The rest is kind of a blur but Istill have cherished memories from it. Like my new niece Keeley following me around and feeding me candy all night, Jonathan telling me I looked beautiful as we danced our first dance, and my 11 year old cousin Tamara catching the bouquet. So many memories that I'll always have!

We headed off to Vegas for our honeymoon. Good times to be posted later.

Rey of Light Photography: http://www.reyoflightphotography.com  She is an amazing natural light photographer who takes what you want into consideration and just blows me away with each and every new photo she edits. The one posted is one of hers from that day! Check her out and let her know I sent you her way!

Hair'z by Melinda:  http://hairzmelinda.com She also did an amazing job on not just my hair and makeup, but my parties hair as well and she listened to what we wanted and helped us look at what we might need. When wedding plans and locations got changed she was so flexible and willing to work with me. Check her out! If you are in Las Vegas she will travel to you free of charge!! 

An interesting future.

I've done it. I've turned into what I was told I would become growing up. So far I've accomplished working at McDonald's for a living, although the management position was never mentioned to me when I was young, and now my future husband and I have discussed where we'll shop for necessities and the like....the Dollar Store!!

I ain't even ashamed.

We checked it out and we can get what food and supplies we need for way cheaper than walmart or the grocery store. Of course for fruit and such we'll have to "splurge", but hey when you're living on one income of sorts you have to make do and making do is what we shall be doing! Living smart is what we'll have to do while we start out and we are very aware of that.

In other interesying news I have become and IT Works! Independent Distributor and so far I've sold a few wraps, got a facebook page, and a website going. My kit hasn't arrived yet, but once it does I can go further into getting business. I'll post more on it later, but right now I just wanted to mention it. I figured the extra money I make for now will help out some. I want to try and make it to the top with it.

Anyways got to go.get wedding stuff in order. Look for a Father's Day post later!

The blessing of love and life

"It happens to everyone love, its part of life"

I had a bad day today. A bad day for me means that no matter how hard I try I can not get the will power to rise out of bed let alone actually participate in life. It hurts to do anything and interactions are a chore and I usually end up being terse....anyways this isn't about that. It's about the first sentence of this post. After everything I went through today and with how I've felt I realized that my loving fiance has been there patiently dealing with my roller coaster of emotions today. I've been apologizing and finally he told me that.

Thats what it is all about isn't it? Life, going through the parts of it until we can go no more and are called home. Sometimes it seems like we get burdened beyond what we can stand only to have more and more piled on. But in moments of that utter despair a peace can come and break through that. A moment where we don't feel as alone anymore.

I've gone through some losses this year and falling outs with people I've loved and still love deeply. Despite what I know and what I have been told, the blows keep coming and the hurt they are causing just continues to grow. On top of that my health has been crap and its just piling up....even though at times I want to quit I have this voice telling me to keep going, that its just a part of life, that I have just a while longer until it gets better. Thankfully that voice is a part of the most amazing man :)

This life is such a precious gift. One we can't ignore or take for granted. At the end of the day our heats, minds, bodies, and souls may feel worn out and tired, ready to be done. Its the fact that we are able to wake up the next day that should spur us to keep moving. The fact we were given the opportunity to make each new day better than the last.

That is the real blessing of this life. If you are to get anything out of thisbpost I hope it is that.

48 Days Left

Yep, we're down to the wire here on this whole wedding thing. So far we have all these ideas and concepts, but nothing really concrete...except for outfits and hair.

This whole wedding planning thing is more fun when its someone elses wedding haha. I love doing my own, I just get stressed at times with it all. Thankfully Jonathan's parents have been there to really help out. My family too. Without them all I don't know what I would do.

Joann and I even are talking about starting a business after the wedding, one inspired about something we're constructing to have there! We're pretty pumped and I really think it'll help out financially to do it. Its something that isn't really out there right now so we'd have something unique to offer!! I really hope we can get it up and running. We me having my job part time right now and him not working, money is really tight. Extra income would be a huge blessing.

Its a big part of why I've been so stressed. I don't know what to do about money. My checks barely sustain me right now and with another person its going to be even harder! Of course we will get by, but we can't just live off of what I make right now. I don't know how to talk to anyone about it...I'm kind of embarassed. I want to ask my dad to help out some more with the wedding, but I don't know how to ask. I hate asking for monetary help. I've never been comfortable with it, but I need it right now.

My rent is cheap, well it could be worse, but I'm barely going to scrape enough together this month to pay it. It's going to be a day late at that! I've never paid it late...ever! I've been holding it together and notbsaying anything, but its eating me up inside. Destroying me slowly because I feel like this huge failure. I can barely support myself as it is and I'm getting married in just under two months.

Something good though is that I've lost 12 lbs since I quit working at McDonalds....sadly though I get ill if I eat fast food now so no yummy yums for me. *sigh* Its a good thing though  the weight keeps coming off and with excercise being added even more will drop off!

Well i'm off to bed now. Work in the morning. I just had to get all that off my chest before I exploded!

So very tired

I seriously have my fingers and toes crossed for something to change soon with me. I got reemed at work and since apparently I am an awful worker I have one more chance otherwise they'll have to let me go. Yeah out of the three years I have been there all of a sudden I've left them with no other option because I just am so below standard....

I call bologna.

Trust me. I've asked my coworkers and they have been reassuring me that I am in fact, not a screw up. A line has been crossed though and its done nothing to help with my stress, anxiety, and depression. I've been trying SO hard to be who they expect me to be and it just seems like I'm getting nowhere. Corporate is coming in later today and I stayed two hours over my shift to clean the store from top to bottom. Would have been out by 12 but one of my crew members loathes dishes and was taking his sweet time. I did my job and his tonight.

The place looks spotless and I can only think of two things I didn't stock. If I get hollered at for anything tomorrow I swear its going to take all I have not to just walk out. I'm even wearing my icky work issued pants and getting there a few minutes early. I'm prepared though for the worst, but hopefully it is a good day.

I give my all to my job and I have been feeling lately like its a dead end for me. I'm trying to not let it be that way, but its getting worse and worse. We'll see how it goes and than maybe I'll have something to report back on.

As for everything else in my life...its alright. Went to my first concert last friday for the Dropkick Murphys....totally amazing. Definitely loved hearing them live, but could have done without the painful feet and moshing. Poor Jonathan acted as a wall for me to protect me from the mosh pit people. The next day we went to the Highland games and I got to see him in a kilt! Aaw man there is something so attractive about that. Seriously. Hottness....we got our engagements and I promptly put them up on facebook! Lol what else did you expect? They turned out awesomely and I can't wait to make our centerpieces with them!

Wedding plans are going good except we have to.kick it into overdrive with the getting stuff done now that we're down to just under three months! Yeah I know...thats coming up so fast! Aaaaah!!!! In big news though I am down to 222 lbs from 228!!! Woop woop! Losing weight...hopefully I'll be under 200 for the wedding!

Sometimes

I have this tendency to go into this autopilot mode, where I pretty much just go about life without really having any control over what I do. Especially if I am stressed out/ overloaded this switch just flips and boom autopilot on. Normally thats fine, but it actually made me mess up at work and now I sit here at home stressing about the new butthole I may get ripped tomorrow.

We get "mystery shopped" each month and we are graded on it. This month I caught when it was happenning and we knew to expect the results. Well....we bombed it. Hard. And all because I didn't make eye contact when I said thank you, I was mechanical in my orser taking, and had to take the order and hand it out so the service time was slow. Naturally Drive thru aced it, but lil ole me on front counter apparently is a failure. The sad thing is that I did my job, I just wasn't peppy enough and was focused on getting the customers (yeah the plural amount of them) taken care of so the guy docked me pointa for not spending longer on him.

*sigh*

This is doing nothing for my work stress. I'm trying so hard to make sure i'm doing a good job and not being emotional or overly stressed and now I'm literally being told I'm too...robotic and mechanical in my working. The one day I'm not myself and we get the mystery shopper. Hopefully the almost $300 hour with 4 people working will be in my favor, otherwise I'm pretty much screwed.

Whoever thinks fast food isn't a high stress job can kiss my butt. There's a lot more to it than just "flipping burgers" and people don't seem to realize that we have high standards of service placed upon us. I have NIGHTMARES about work a lot more than I am willing to admit. I know something has to change soon or I am going to break.

The automatic autopilot when I show up there has been an indicator to me for awhile, I just didn't realize that it was noticeable until now.

Lesson for the day: We are all seen through by someone, even when we think we aren't.

Update Central!

Dusting off the ole blog here and posting updates!!! Now that Walking Dead is over I have plenty of time in which I can blog

......maybe?

Planning a wedding is pretty hard work, especially when you have people pressuring you in the andale-ing of said plans. Just over three months to go though so things are picking up steam with that. Got it planned, we just have to execute said plans!!! Let's just say I am so glad that this is MY wedding that I'm planning and not someone else's. Been there and done that.

So for the most interesting update I want to share I bought gear for rappeling. That's right. Lil Miss TERRIFIED of heights is going to shimmy on down from the top in style. I bought me a harness, helmet, rope, and some other rappel type stuffs that I am far too lazy to list out. Naturally I sought out the green stuff, but my rope and rope bag are yellow and orangey. Jonathan keeps saying I copied him, but we all know of my love affair with green. Oh the things I would do with that color. *shiver*

Ahem...moving on... We got out engagements taken by his sister in law and they turned out pretty well. The invitations are pretty spiffy looking so thats a good thing. Jonathan seriously is a life saver during all this. I don't know if I will ever be able to properly convey to him just how much of a stress killer he can be.

No really, this guy drove me to his house to get ny car (we left it there earlier) and than drove back to the apartment with me in my car and rode his bike home just because I got scared after watching "The Possesion"...yeah he pretty much helped me from panicking. My anxiety levels were pretty high and by him being him, he helped me feel safe. He does that a lot for me.

Ooh also I'm losing weight! I gained a lot, but I'm down a few pounds already and am on track to lose more. It's so much easier when you have a reliable diet buddy! We tried Almased. I actually don't mind it, but he says it tastes like caca. If it was cheaper I would buy a lot and going the full diet plan since it was working decently so far. I'm going to be more vigilant though in walking to work or riding my bike. I know that'll help me even more so why not right?

Funny story. We watched "The Cabin in the Woods" and after the credits had some thingy about being made in Canada and at the same time we both said "Freaking Canadians" which of course cracked us the hell up. I mean you just can't plan that!

I'm doing better with my depression comoared to my last post. I had a lot of stress from work and wedding stuff and the whole losing a friend fiasco and it was really dragging me down. I had to just try and refocus on other things. I still fail at times, but i'm doing better.
We've been slacking on reading the scriptures and praying, but I know we're going to be restarting that again. I'm getting so excited to be preparing to enter the temple and progressing towards eternity with Jonathan.

I may not have a glorious life by some people's standards, but I am happy and that's all I ask for.

I have more I can post, but I want to try and organize my thoughts better. So until next time loverlies!

Nadia Out!

Letter to lost friends

Dear Friend 1 and Friend 2,

Thanks to both of you for making me feel like I am worth nothing. Friend 1 for turning your back on everything despite you saying multiple times you are here. Friend 2 for not even bothering to tell me why you left and just dropping me with no notice. 

I've reached out to you both, with no effort from either to do the same. Sure Friend 1, you've said many a time that you're here for me and want to maintain our friendship, but honestly I don't ever hear from you. I've talked to your mom more than you. Friend 2, you straight up lied and had your sister tell me you're just busy with work but you'll get in contact soon. Why have you both just walked away? I at least have afforded you both the respect of knowing how upset I've been, how hurt in the past and what? I'm not worth the same to you?

Honestly I'm more hurt by friend 2 than friend 1. Unless it has something to do with the other, than I'm even more hurt and furious. Both of you have had me there through times that you needed someone. I bent over backwards to make sure I was there to support and when I need it, neither of you are there. Do you know how badly I wish I could just call or text or message either of you and know that I'll get a heartfelt response? I feel alone at times and I've had to make myself open up to others. You both know how difficult that is for me, how hard it is.

My heart is aching as I type this, knowing neither of you will see this or even care enough to react if you do. I just want my family back.

What's wrong with me?

I've been struggling, and badly with depression...again.
*sigh*
The worst part is that its affecting my life during one of the happiest moments. I have a wedding to plan and a loving fiance who is trying to be here for me, but I don't know how to let him. I've been falling into old habits of overeating, sleeping all day, and just being ultra emotional among other things. I also have been getting sick more.
I don't know what's wrong or why this is happening but I want it to stop before it gets worse. I know i'm not alone, but I constantly feel like I am and its so hard to say that to the people who are constantly with me. When I am at my apartment alone (rarely) I just sit and stare with no will to do anything. Ironically I can't sleep so here I am blogging.

Who knows if anyone even reads this? I just need somewhere to get this all out you know?
I miss Barbara. I feel lost sometimes still without her there. Who knew that this would happen? Marriage changes everything doesn't it? I hope I don't lose myself in all of this. I just wish we were married already. I'm sick of.planning and thinking about it. I would rather just be with Jonathan and thats that. No big shebang to countdown to. Just him and myself in marital bliss forever. I don't feel alone when he is there. I don't have to try to be happy, I just am when he is around. I worry when he isn't. He helps me to focus and he makes me get up and do things even when I would rather just sleep.

I need help. I also need a nap...until July 20. Than I can wake up refreshed and ready for the wedding. :)

If anyone is reading this and feels like I am overlooking their presence in my life, do not fear. I am aware I am not alone. I have been incredibly blessed when it comes to my true friends and family. There are so many people who love me and are willing to be here for me, and recognize that and am thankful for it. I just struggle most of the time to accept it and to fully comprehend it.

I love you, whoever is reading this, know that I care amd without your love and support I would truly be lost.