I got a call from someone today that really just....I don't know whether to be flattered they called or to be upset that someone had them call me. I get it. I should come back, but the problem is....what if I don't necessarily want to? See if I did I would try ti fly under the radar, just get in get out and be done, but I know deep down that that isn't going to happen for me. I can't get away with just the minimum. No one will let me. Also I am not really sure I want to. My being there would be a lie. I would be saying I feel the same when in actuality I do not. How am I supposed to reslove this situation when I have multiple people (all within one week) reaching out to me and asking me to come back? I can't avoid them for the rest of my life. I can't just sit and do nothing because it is only going to progress into this big monster of a situation and I don't necessarily want that to happen.
I have stress headaches all the time. I cry all the time and I have a huge loss in appetite which is unusual since I normally eat three times a day...i am now only eating once because I just am not hungry anymore. I don't sleep and what rest i do get is extremely fitful. I have cleaned and rearranged my room and I am slowly making my way to my car. Sure yeah those things need to be cleaned, but when i get almost OCD about the cleaning there is a problem. I am irritable at work and I have almost no attention span anymore. My temper is increasing and I hardly joke like i used to. I am barely surviving people and it isn't because I haven't been going to church. This stress started when people started pressuring me to come back!!! I was FINE not going. I was doing my own thing and I was living. Now I just...I feel like some numerical statistic. Like why is it such a big deal if I don't go? It's almost like their whole lives will fall apart if I don't show up.
I just am really conflicted.
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