I was sitting in my Drive Thru window (and yes people I am completely convinced it is mine) thinking and contemplating my situation and I realized it really isn't as bad as I thought it was. Classic case of a molehill being made into a mountain. I had the paranoid delusion that the world was taking sides and forcing me to choose what I want for my life all at the same time. One problem became linked to all these other situations in my mind and I just got overwhelmed with it all. I didn't want to think or to choose or to decide, mainly because I despise confrontation and for all my dreaming and scheming I really don't put much stock into the future. Yes this is what I spend my working hours (all 8 of them) thinking about. What am I supposed to do? Work? Pfft...that takes two brain cells TOPS. No I spend my time working my frustrations out on the dishes and thinking about my problems.
This is what I decided. I really am not in that bad of a place as I thought. My feelings have ALL been a bit mixed lately and with the anger I felt this summer I have been bad and held onto that. I just need to let go of everything and start anew and with an open mind (but not so open my brain falls out). I am going to take sometime and see where I stand. I am going to actually go to church and see how I feel about it. Now I am not going to go once and decide from there. I am actually going to go for two months straight and at the end I will see where I stand. Some of you might just cringe at this decision and ask "why wait?" The truth is that I don't know the truth. I don't know how I feel about any of this. I know that a big part of me wants to leave, but there is enough of me still here that wants me to stay. I may not like most of the people out here in the valley and how they can be elitist bastards (we all know its true), but I do believe in a lot of the doctrine and principles that are taught. (I totally just saw in my head my mom's eye twitching) I know a lot of people don't understand and don't like the church. Yes I know that I myself scoff at how people act and some behaviors that are expected of me, but it doesn't mean I can't be who I am and be LDS. Yes I get it...I really am not one to be a caged animal. I end up being like those sharks in aquariums who just kinda keep swimming into the sides or slowly whither away into nothingness when caged. There are A LOT of rules and standards and I will be the first to admit I will most likely never meet them all, which is sad but at least I am not running around pretending I am perfect.
I do strongly want to leave, but I am giving it a second chance. I am making sure that I am absolutely 100% positive that what my final decision is....well 100% what I want. This is something I ulitmately have to do on my own and decide for myself. Decisions like this take TIME. They don't just get rushed. I don't want to back out only to want back in a few years down the road. It would mean I did all of this and went through all of this for nothing. Some people might call me indecisive and some will be really unhappy with me, but please understand that I do want what is best for me and I really do want to make sure I have everything covered before making a final move.
So many people support me and love me and I know that no matter what I will always have someone there for me. Today I don't feel so lost anymore, I don't feel so empty. I feel a sense of fulfillment, like I am on the right track to discovering something. I can't promise one thing or another about my final decision, but all I do know is that I feel good about my current course and to me that is all that matters right now.
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