Sharing My Insecurities.

As of right now I weigh 190 lbs. At least that is what my scale tells me...and we are currently no longer speaking. This is how the conversation went.

Me- "What the fudge? Last time I checked I was so NOT this weight!"
Scale-"Well maybe if you visited more often you would have seen it sooner."
Me- "Dude I totally checked like....okay so maybe it's been awhile....whatever"
Scale-"Perhaps you have been snacking on too many chicken nuggets?"
Me-"Psssh no...I haven't had those in forever...and besides i have been eating healthier at work. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!"
Scale- "I don't know but please get off....you are hurting my back."

At that moment I promptly stepped off the scale, flipped it off and than proceeded to eat a chocolate square from the box of chocolates my mom got me for my birthday. Not very mature, but whatever. I have been reflecting on this past month and how I managed to gain ten pounds since August. I have come to the conclusion that between stress at work, stress with finances, and just stress all around has prompted me to begin with my comfort snacking again...I have worked hard all year to maintain my 180 lbs of weight and I have been doing well, but in times of stress (or when my holding it back gets to be too much) I begin to eat in some weird self soothing type of way. It isn't very healthy for me but ooooh man is it good eating! I managed to hold back this summer from overeating when I stressed, but lately I have noticed I tend to become cookie monster when he sees a plate of cookies. I  "NOM NOM NOM" on things and than after I am like "Why the hell did I just do that?" Not being bulimic or anorexic, I don't really have a way to get rid of whatever it was I just scarfed down. See the predicament I am in? Of course you might be saying "Well why doesn't she just not overeat?" Yeah might as well tell me to not breathe while I am at it. Habits are hard to break....especially when they are life long habits. My overeating stems from when I was younger and living with my dad. When things were stressful or I felt alone, I turned to food. I mean I could be found at any time of the day with food somehow within reach of me...even in class I would be munching on something. I have a serious gum addiction because chewing gum tends to prevent me from eating since it is a hassle to spit it out and then replace it....anyways....as I got older life got more stressful and I gained a TON of weight in my early high school years and the last couple of years I hit my peak at 197 lbs. I vowed if I hit 200 I would die of shame and embarassment and would most likely eat myself into a food coma.

So now here I am 10 lbs away from my food coma vow and what am I doing? I AM WORKING OUT! That is right...I am actually working out. I have a goal and I am as determined as hell to reach it. I have never thought I would be a perfect 10. I KNOW I am not going to have the "perfect" body, but it would be nice to get into size 9 jeans you know? Hell even an 8! I am tired of sitting down and protruding outwardly. I don't want to feel awkward in a bathing suit and I don't want to feel like I need to have my arms covering my stomach or feel the need to try and pull my shirt down to cover my thighs. I know that how we view ourselves comes from within, and I will be the first to admit that I don't find myself all that pretty. The fact that I have managed to get a boyfriend baffles me everyday! I have NEVER really seen myself as a beautiful creature gracing this Earth. Yeah sure, I may be good looking, but I have never seen myself as beautiful. I have always ahted shopping because I can never find cute clothing that fits my style AND fits me. If you see my wardrobe it consists of jeans and t-shirts...not only because those are my favorite clothes, but also because they are the easiest things to find in my size and that fit me the way I like.

I put off an air of confidence and I am confident in my self as in my personality, but when it comes to my image? I suffer greatly in confidence and self-esteem. I have never thought I was really worth anything when it came to looks, so I developed this personality filled with sarcasm and biting wit. I hide a lot from those around me and I don't really share what I feel. It HURTS when I hear the guys around me talk about girls they find attractive because I see the girls and I look at myself and I think "My god....I am like....two of her!" or "Well....she looks like Barbie and I friggin look like one of the guys!" Robert and Zach were looking at Halloween costumes and I will say I don't know what they were really talking about but Robert pointed out two different costumes and I looked and the women wearing them were actually really pretty and they had legs that never ended....anyways I got upset because I thought to myself "Well that's something you'll never be." Now Robert and Zach didn't say or imply anything....that thought was ALL ME....but I left in a hurry because I didn't want them to see me about to cry. When I say I struggle I mean it. It isn't a simple thing for me to just type this for the world of internet to read. Most won't understand, and some will kind of get it, and for the few that completely understand me....you aren't alone!

I will be posting up my achievements and anecdotes of this journey I am taking. I know it won't be easy and I know I am probably going to fail at times, but I know that the change I seek starts and ends with me. If I stick to it and remain upbeat I know that things will change and for the better.