If I was President.

Let us pretend that I had aspirations for the White House one day. I want to share what my policies would be because there is a whole lot of wrong going on in this country and like a garden it needs to be badly weeded.

Military: If it doesn't directly involve us or isn't an immediate threat to the country we will not get involved. Aid to allies will occur but not for an indefinite period of time and for trivial things. We will not try to bring "peace" to other countries by uprooting their government and replacing it with one shaped after our own. The military is here to protect our country from harm not protect or destroy other countries who won't play by our rules.

Education: The education system will receive more money and the standards of education will be raised. Tutoring will be provided if needed, but there needs to be a complete overhaul of the system. There are too many students in the higher levels who can't even form a proper sentence. Colleges will lower their skyrocketing prices without compromising the quality of education. K-12 will work harder to ACTUALLY prepare students to enter college or a vocational program. There will be heavy anti-bullying policies installed and schools will be a safe place for children to learn and grow.

Immigration: If you are not here legally you will not receive federal aid. End. Of. Story. You will be arrested, fined, and sent back home. Having children here will not make you safe; they are not your golden ticket to staying here. You will be sent back to wherever you came from WITH your child. Borders will be better secured and locked down. Crossing illegally will be taken seriously. Anyone employing an illegal immigrant or someone without the proper paperwork will also be arrested.

Gay Rights: The federal government will leave this agenda up to each individual state. It will not override laws that are passed just because someone is unhappy with the outcome. Majority rules. It does not matter how you want to live, but if the majority does.not agree than find a state that does. You chose to live this way. Not everyone does. Do not make everyone change their lifestyle to cater to yours.

Taxes: I honestly don't have an opinion on taxes right now because I need to delve deeper into learning how that system works, but I am pretty friggin sure that I will have more to say on this topic.

All in all I want to limit the governments power. Why do politicians get paid so much money? Why do we the citizens keep electing these assholes who are running our country into the geound? Why are we afraid of them? If you have studied the constitution you should know that WE are the ones with the power NOT them. They rely on us to keep their pockets lined and the money rolling in. Who are they to tell us what we can or can not do? Granted there are obvious laws and regulations that society and common sense require, but there is plenty of regulations the government places upon us that are unnecessary and unconstitutional. The time for change has come. We need a revolution. Not some half assed Occupy movement. No, we need real change. Real progress towards a better tomorrow, because between you and me I don't want to wake up one day and find out China owns us.....well legitimately owns us. They practically do since the U.S.A owes them so much money....anyways the point is that the only way to fix the problems in our country is to fix the people running it and the people living in it.

Alvidrez For President!!!

For once

Jaren's wedding was yesterday and the gang (Barbara, Kenny, Robert, and I) went up to St. George for the reception. We ended up getting there for the last 30 minutes of it, but that was alright with me. This weekend something struck me. For once I wasn't worried or thinking about mine and Robert's future together. I felt...at ease about it and where we are going.
Last night I just got to enjoy being with him and trying to soak in every moment together. I love that man and it is so wonderful to feel comfortable and confident in my relationship.
Just a quick post before I go to bed. I will post more details from Thanksgiving/ this weekend later!

One of those songs

Watch "Boyce Avenue - Dare To Believe (Official Music Video) on iTunes (EMA 2011)" on YouTube

This world needs a change for the better. This song describes it beautifully.

Part of Me

Me and the Bestie at our Favorite Temple

There can never be enough words to describe the happiness I feel when at the St. George Temple. It was the first one I ever went to and I have just no way to explain the sheer joy I feel just LOOKING at it! Thursday Barbara and I were in St. George (of the potatoes :D) and we stopped by and got to see the Jospeh Smith movie and talk  with the Sister Missionaries. One of them even took a couple photos for us (see above photo). It was such a testimony builder to see the new movie and to walk temple grounds.

We even went to the BrighamYoung Winter Quarters and got the full tour of the grounds there as well. We had been driving by and I being the history buff I am, just HAD to park and go in. Sister Collings took us around and let me tell you it was moving. I got to eat some mint leaves and pick cotton from the gardens there and I got to walk the very floors the prophet had walked so many years ago! The building is beautiful and the Church has done an amazing job restoring it.

Next week we are going to the Tabernacle(fingerscrossed) and perhaps another building. We both are private with our faith, but we both are working on being more open. We are both dating (amazing) guys who are not of the same faith. Us ladies aren't exactly "Molly Mormons" but our faith is an important part of our makeup. We aren't looking to convert our guys, but we want them to know just how much we love our religion.

I am proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know it is a true church and I know that being baptized some almost four years ago was NOT a mistake. I love gospel and I love being LDS.

How I feel

This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways. - Thomas S. Monson, The Divine Gift of Gratitude, General Conference, Oct 2010

Halloween Part 1

So tonight I went out with Barbara to the Single'sBranch Halloween Party and while I was supposed to be a vampire everyone thought I was a witch and than I stopped by work to give them cupcakes and I got called a slutty pirate... yeah so I guess with my modest additions to it the costume was too... sexy?
It was interesting seeing all the guys eyeing me and I found it ridiculous that I had to change my looks that drastically for them to notice me. Robert though enjoyed seeing me in my costume. I went to his house to bring him a cupcake and his eyes lit up and he had this smile on his face.

We are hanging out later tonight...i may have to wear the costume though haha

Monday for work I am wearing a different costume so there will be a different post for it than.

A spiritual return.

I have to be honest and say that my participation in the church has been...nonexistant for over a year. It started out with hurt pride and than it turned into laziness and unwillingness.  I am sick of who I have become. I am tired of how empty I feel without the church in my life. I have done things I regret and some I don't. It has been a real lesson to me and now I am taking what I have learned and making a return to that spiritual ground I was once on.
Not going to lie though I am stumbling a bit as far as reading and praying goes, but I am determined to finish reading the B.O.M. by the end of the year and I am also reading The Miracle of Forgiveness. I'm trying to live the gospel as best I can and am working on one thing at a time. I know if I try to do it all at once I will lose what little footing I have.
First step is reading and praying daily. I was never the best at either on a daily basis but thats why I am starting there.  Got to have a strong foundation otherwise no matter what I build my spiritual house will crumble. I am even asking for at least one Sunday off a month so that I can attend church.
I have to do this. I am doing this. I have wandered off and gotten lost because I did not hold to the rod. I know I am can find even ground again and live how I am supposed to. I have missed the joy I feel when at church or at institute. Yes I don't like more than half of my branch but that shouldn't stop me from going.

Hopefully those in my life can experience benefits from this as well. I just want to be a good influence and a beacon of good.

Slowly fading

My heart has slowly been fading away all day. Tears threaten to break the surface as I force myself to get through another hour, minute, second. Thoughts turning in my head; chaos reigns as sanity flees every crevass of my mind. No longer able to focus on anything but the fate of this one moment. The inevitable meeting looming in the distance casting a shadow on the present.
What will happen if I lose it all? I can't think about it without wanting to vanish. Sleep has become my only escape from reality and so my body begins to shut down. This time...this pain... It goes deeper than anything before. What if I lose the very thing that gave me a reason to continue? What if I am left alone again?
These questions plague me and taunt me with answers that I dread.
My only hope is that this is the dark workings of my mind and not a reality I will soon have to face. I must remain positive or else I will fall away into oblivion.

People say

There is nothing more attractive than someone who is confident in themselves. Someone who knows how to hold themselves and how to show those around them that they love them.

I am not that person. I look at my relationships with people and I can only think that they deserve better. One day everyone is going to wake up to the reality I have known for years and they are going to see the ugly that has become me. I am alone in a crowded life. I know I am loved and people care about me but no matter how hard I try I can't make myself be as happy as I should be. I hate myself for it. I don't deserve any of these wonderful, caring people.

It is a dark night in my mind tonight.

Two Flat Tires

I am either really blessed or life decided to pick on me. I am trying to go with the first one so I don't end up blowing my car up, but getting two flat tires in one week is a little ridiculous no?
Naturally it is not really a surprise to me tgat it happened but it would have been nice for it to have maybe been a bit spread out. Oh well.
Luckily Sal and Robert helped me out and I am going and buying new tires tomorrow. YAY!!

But I guess my biggest problem has been my emotional state...you could say I have two emotionally flat tires. Tis life though and as usual I am faking it until I make it.

Fashion of His Love

Not going to lie this post is all about my lovely. I have recently realized how much I love this man, but I know I still have deeper I can go. He is the peanut butter to my jelly, the cheese to my macaroni. Robert has become my number one best friend (sorry Barbara) and if in some catastrophic twist of fate we end up breaking apart the next guy is going to have an almost impossible time filling those shoes.
Robert supports my sporadic whims and fancies while at the same time keeping me grounded in reality. We can dream and plan together and the main thing is we can always laugh together...mainly at each other and with each other. He has done so much for me and continues to do so as time goes on.
I know I am so lucky to have a guy like him and I don't plan on letting him go anytime soon. I only hope that I can be all for him that he is for me.

Also when he gives me that squishy face I just about die inside! Tug on my heartstrings why don't you?!

Shake it up

Watch "Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out"
on YouTube

Every once in awhile a song comes along that makes me feel like it was written for me. I srumbled upon this one and I immediately knew. Just wanted to share it. Gonna be posting tomorrow so yay!!

A change

I needed a change so the first thing to change was the hair. Last haircut was a year ago when Uncle Danny died. I went back to bangs and got some layers. Nothing too crazy but the newness feels great.

You would think

Here I am in California waiting to leave to Sea World and not one drip of excitement is coursing through me. In fact what I feel is agitation. My sister wants me to pick her up in Long Beach and I am in Anaheim supposed to be going to San Diego. She gets to wear my flip flops because she only brought dressy shoes to some party she went to last night. Robert is listening to his ipod and reading his nook and I get the impression this morning he is holding something back but I don't know what.
Barbara and kenny are still getting ready. I am hungry and just want to keep sleeping. If my dad hadn't bought my ticket idk if I would still wanna do Sea World. Hopefully that changes.
It was nice seeing my family last night at Grandma's. We celebrated with cake and pizza and combined I received 225 dollars from them all!!!!
Well I am off to google breakfast places. Ttyl!

The Ongoing Struggle

For the last...oh I don't know...7 years of my life I have struggled with my self image and my weight. Tonight I was looking back at photos of myself and gradually over the years you can see I tend to not be in photos or I have adapted ways to cover my "problem" areas. The first thing I notice in photos of me is my stomach area. I worry that everyone else can see what I see, but usually people just look at me and wonder what I am talking about. Yes I know I am overweight, but my problem is mainly I am not comfortable with other people knowing and seeing that you know?

It makes for interesting happenings with my relationships with friends, family, and significant others in general. Lately I probably seem obsessed with working out and losing weight to them, and to be honest I have been. Everyday, no matter how I am feeling I push myself to workout and I keep thinking that I will wake up with the body I want the next day. I know it doesn't work that way so I am trying not to let myself think that way. What scares me is that I know my way of thinking and the way I see myself is in no ways healthy. I feel like a whale and I see this way bigger version of what I used to be and it kills me inside.

I am only 50 lbs overweight and while some people have it worse, that is still a lot of weight to lose. I think my main frustration lately is that I have been working out and even eating better, but I have only lost close to ten pounds. Sure I have been gaining muscle, but I still look the same! It pisses me off to no end to work and push myself and do all that I should (eating right, drinking water, excercising) and NOTHING. I am not giving up, but can't I just lose the weight already? I am stopping when I hit 145 lbs and that is in no way an unhealthy weight, but honestly I am tired of being fat.

I feel so unpretty most all the time and I try to wear some makeup or do my hair in an attempt to make myself look nicer, but that is just this big fake fix and so time consuming and it gets me nowhere. I know I probably sound like I am whining and complaining. BOO HOO that I am overweight...yeah I know it doesn't melt off when I sleep. I get it. The problem is that I have ALWAYS struggled with how I look and what weight I am. Honestly it started in elementary school. I remember weighing myself on my stepmom's scale hoping that the number didn't move up. In middle school I was mortified when I hit 100 lbs. I felt huge than and didn't want anyone to know despite the fact that I was a skeleton. When I graduated high school I weighed 175 and I hated myself for it. Back then I felt fat and unattractive compared to the girls in my town.

Those feelings and anxieties have only increased with time. It's a wonder that I have achieved any level of intimacy in my relationship. I barely let Robert touch my stomach because it is "squishy" and I feel like he deserves someone....idk smaller than him. I know he loves me for who I am and as I am. The problem is that I don't love the body I am in. I have days where I feel absolutely fantastic and everything I wear is golden, but holy fetch does that turn around so quickly!

I don't know why I am all of a sudden posting this for the world to read, perhaps I just want someone to see my story and know that they are not alone. Maybe it is some weird twisted form of therapy for me. Either way it is here. Do with it what you may.

Punching A Baby

That is what the Ramp it Up dvd of the Slim in 6 workout made me want to do while simultaneously vomiting. Seriously I am so effing sore right now I can barely type. It was worth it though and I can't wait until I do it again tomorrow. No wonder people lose around 25 lbs to 40 in the 6 weeks. GAH!!!! Of course I am more looking to get into shape and lose wight, but the in shape part is what I am really going for. I don't necessarily want to be skinny. I just want to get rid of the excess body fat and tighten those muscles. And let me tell you that those muscles are tightening alright. Seriously my arms are toning quite nicely and my thighs and calves are coming along as well. My stomach and midsection is going to be harder, but I do feel a difference from before I started the workout.

I started the Ramp it Up a few days early since I am going away this weekend and won't be able to really workout. Hopefully though I can get some form of workout done! I am excited though to see if any of my family or even Robert notices. I haven't seen him in a bit and I haven't seen any of my family in California in almost a year. Barbara said it looks like I have lost weight and it is true...I have lost almost ten pounds already and I can't wait to lose more! I am hoping by the end of this year I can be down to at least 150. I am just taking things 10 lbs at a time so it doesn't seem like such a daunting number to try and lose.

Well I am off to bed to try and sleep and let my body recover. Got a long day tomorrow prepping for the trip and going to Vegas with Barbara! Getting my haircut and going shopping!

Some Never Grow

I thought I was done with Chelsey, but I guess the saga isn't over yet. Today at work our former landlady came in and talked to me about the power bill. It wasn't a big deal and I told her she would get her money tomorrow. Apparently though Chelsey came into my work later and told my coworkers that I owe her 200 dollars for the power bill.

What. The. Fetch.

The amount I owe  is only 50 and I do not owe Chelsey that money. Needless to say that she was rather inappropriate with it all and I am rather sad that she felt it necessary to go about things this way. I just needed to vent....I apologize.

Anyways I have been doing really good with working out and eating right. Hopefully things get better with my weight and getting into shape. I am feeling really good about it and am confident I am doing good. I am feeling an impressive amount of tonage going on right now considering I wasn't toned at all before. YAY for that!!!!

This weekend I am going to California with Robert, Barbara, and Kenny for my birthday. We are going to Sea World and the San Pedro Fish Market. I am super excited about the Sea World part....I get to refresh my love of Marine Biology....huzzah!!!! I am thinking about going to school for that again. Start off where I started....hopefully it works itself out soon.

This is it...

If I was to get a tattoo this would be it. With words saying "Imagine the Impossible" under the seeds floating away. Or the words wouldn't be there at all.

Yes yes tattoos are bad and ruin our bodies. I know the lecture.

...but still it is nice to dream.

On this day...

Ten years ago the United States of America was struck by terrorists attacks. The World Trade Center in New York, the Pentagon in Washington D.C., and Flight which was headed for the White House all meet a horrible end as people seeking to destroy our country attacked symbols of our wealth and power.
After the attacks the nation collected itself and rallied together to face off against those that sought to destroy us. Everyone who can remember that day will always remember what they were doing. It is hard to believe that ten years ago I was in the 7th grade and getting ready for school when the first tower was hit. My dad was watching the news as usual but I didn't really pay attention. It wasn't until I was already at school when I realized that something major had occurred.
That entire day was spent watching the news. Now the content probably wasn't appropriate for middle schoolers but everyone was too shocked to take their eyes off the screen. One of my teachers waited anxiously for a call from family in New York, unsure if everyone was okay. Another cried as she told us that what we were watching was real and not in some distant land.
September 11, 2001 was the first time I understood that our country was not indestructible, that we were capable of being wounded on our own soil and not some foreign war. I imagined that we could understand how those who were alive during Pearl Harbor felt. I felt empathy and sympathy for the first time in my short life.  I was just about to turn 11 and was forced to try and understand why something like this would happen to anyone. My birthday that year was themed with Red, White, and Blue. I just remember thinking that it felt wrong to celebrate when so many wouldn't be able to.  It had been a rough year as well since my grandfather haf just died, but what got me to get the confusion was an overwhelming gratitude for still being alive.
Yes we were attacked and yes our country has been scarred and terrorized, but we could do all we can to remain alive and to never forget that day. Not just what we were doing, but to remeber who and what we lost. My heart goes out to all those who were and affected by the events of that day. I pray that they can find peace and comfort and an appreciation for the life they have. Let us all do our part to draw together as a country and to show the world that we have learned and grown from that experience.

Remember and Never Forget.

Its a full on battle

Oh it's on weightloss...it's on!!!

I am so pumped and excited about working out and losing weight. Right now I am focusing on losing some weight before my birthday which is in three weeks, but my main goal is to lose at the minimum of 40 lbs by the end of the year. This past week I have gained some weight BUT that is the muscle I have built with running and doing toning excercises. Considering the most excercise I have done in forever was walking at work...yeah its improvement. Hopefully I can get more consistent with it. I have been going maybe two or three times a week but for my goals I need to workout everyday at first.

Running sucks but its one of the best ways to lose weight. If we had a pool open here I would swim constantly. I am thinking of going down on thursdays with Robert to Vegas and joining a gym or something. I can probably get Barbara to join me. Since swimming is easy for me and I know I could spend hours swimming and working out. One gym day a week isnt bad at all and it will get me out of the valley at least once a week.

All I know is this weight is coming off.

My room currently

It is a mess isnt it????? Hopefully soon it wont look so much like a nest!!

Monologue of my heart

Lately I have grooving to that Lady Gaga song You and I. It speaks to me on a level that I can't properly explain anywhere other than on here. I am sure people will read this and come to assumptions about who or what I am talking about, but to be perfectly honest, they will be wrong. I digress. The song makes me remember that feeling I had one day when I was living in Provo. I was up all night and unable to sleep because I was wrestling with my soul. So I decided I was going to run it away and I took off on a late night/ early morning jog. I ended up at the Provo Temple 30 minutes later and was astounded to see people actually arriving there. It had to be around 4 in the morning when that happened. I was shocked but I didn't bother them and they didn't bother me. I sat there on a bench for two hours before getting up and running/ walking back home.
The entire time I sat there I cried and poured my heart out to no one and everyone. I knew that God was listening so I just said whatever was bothering me. I guess you could say that I just let go and once I was going I couldn't stop. With recent things going on I feel that sense of wrestling again and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel this huge sense of loss and dissapointment and I don't want to and I know I shouldn't. It should have been mine you know? I should be the one experiencing these things, that rush, but instead I have what I have and I am trying to be happy, I am trying not to bring everyone around me down. The other day Robert told me that I have this sad look all the time and it bothers him because he never knows what to do or if he is the cause of it. I didn't want to tell him that he isn't the only one that has told me that.
I feel so lost lately, like a part of me has just left or died. I have to try twice as hard to make it seem like I am okay, when really all I want to do is pull a Rip Van Winkle. Someone once asked me if I have ever thought about killing myself. My answer is always no, but I wouldn't be opposed to sleeping for a good long while. Somedays I feel like doing that, just not waking up...idk if I could hit a reset button on my life I think I would. Maybe just disappear and start life new somewhere where no one knew my life story or really knew me. I could recreate myself and forget about all the hurt I carry with me. I could forget them and what they have done. I could be free to dream and achieve all I have wanted without someone telling me that I won't make it or I won't be successful or say "Be realistic Nadia." The problem with me is that no matter how realistic I am, I wasn't born to be that way. For as long as I can remember I have always given in to fantasy and the world of fiction. I live to dream.
Perhaps that is where the problem is. I can only be the real me while in my head. I only let people see about 10% of who I really am. The fact that I am more open on this blog than I am in person says a lot to me and probably to whoever reads this. I'm sure at some point my boyfriend and or my other friends and family will read this, the fact that I don't care is what I am really worried about. If I didn't want people to see this or to read it I wouldn't put it out there right? I sometimes feel like I am a pigeon in a flock if flamingoes and sometimes it is the other way around. I guess it just depends on the day.
I miss that feeling, the feeling of being chased and pursued. I feel like I have to lose the weight I have gained in order to really feel like I am wanted. The enthusiasm showed when my impending weight loss is discussed cuts me deeper than anything. I mean....why not show that drive, that need now? Am I really not that attractive as I am? Yes Yes I actually do WANT and NEED to lose weight, but please don't make me feel like I am not that desirable unless I lose weight. I don't need my body ravished nightly or anything like that, but I don't want to know that you can't wait til that day I can wear a bikini. I know once I lose weight I will be getting attention from all directions and that is mainly what pisses me off most. Everyone loves my personality, but because I am not some size friggin 2 I am overlooked a whole lot in a lot of situations. I am so tired of how society looks at women and men in general. I LIKE having some substance. I will admit that I am a chunky monkey, but damn it I don't need you to tell me that!
I should start writing again, not finish my old story, but recreate it. I have changed and the story has changed with me. The characters are changing as I am, seeing as they are all versions of me and those I hold dear. I hope to finish it by the end of the year, but I am giving myself til the summer before I actually try and get the thing published. I miss writing and I know that I should continue with it. Hopefully it leads somewhere.

Today's thought is this. The job does not often define the person.

Full Circle

Well I am back home now....at my parents. But to save my dignity and pride, I can say that I am paying them rent each month and not so much crashing at their house. Yeah I know, being back home and not on my own is kind of a lame thing for one my age. I should be out there living life and yada yada yada. I get it...cut the apron strings. All I have to say is that I have been blessed with parents kind enough to help me out and to let me help them. I am so not going to be spitting in their faces and not admit when I need help. They raised me better than that.

Interestingly enough I enjoy being back home. I have internet and I get to interact with them more and see them more. I have a ton of stuff though in my room now and it is a bit crowded at the moment, but I am going through all my shoes and clothes and tossing those which I have not worn in a year or didn't even know I had. It's part of my weight loss plan. If I don't hang on to my "fat clothes" I will be forced to lose weight and buy new (smaller) clothes! Barbara and I have been trying to walk a few miles each night and to get some running in, but with our mismatched schedules and my not being able to leave late at night....we have to figure a new thing out. I am doing my workout dvd and striving to have healthy goals for my weightloss, but to be honest I just want to be able to wear a bikini and look....well...HOT in it.

I strive for so much.

Random musings

Sometimes no matter how simply you put something, the person you are talking to is still not going to understand it.
You never know just how strong you are until you have to move a queen sized mattress up a flight of stairs by yourself.
The ghosts of Not Me and I Don't Know will follow you from home to work or to wherever. Be prepared for their presence.
Sometimes you have to be the pigeon in a flock of flamingoes. People tend to respond better when you stand out in a quiet way.

Working it out..and off

Tonight I walked two miles...its part of my effort to fit into a size 9. I am being perfectly healthy about it even though I know my mentality isn't. I feel HUGE even though I know I am not. Most of my problems stem from the fact that I view myself as unattractive and the fact that I have a permanent food baby. It doesn't help that I have been having a difficult time with my depression lately. Makes it hard to be motivated when you have no faith or love, for yourself. I wish I could be back to jow I was when I graduated high school. I ballooned after that. I know when it started but I am too ashamed to admit it outloud. I have been curbing how much I eat lately and am working out now. Hopefully working out twice a day will help.

Can it be?

Over a year later and I still feel that irge to serve a mission. My heart is sad that I haven't gone. I worry that if I go I will lose all I have built with Robert. I know that is a selfish thing, but he is important to me.
I am starting to prepare...well trying to be stronger in faith and gaining a knowledge of the gospel and the church. Barbara and I will be living the mission schedule soon and we are both considering it. I just don't want to regret not going. I don't want to ignore this feeling. I am not running from anything this time and I am in a somewhat better place than before. I still have things to work on, but I think I can do it.

Its me!!

Lately I have been feeling this crushing weight. This unbearable sadness that I can't explain or umderstand. This time of my life should be so exciting and fun and I feel completely not a part of it. I'm putting this front. This wall of "everything is okay" so as to keep everyone at a distance. Truth is I want to dissappear. To just vanish and be on my own. I am tired of trying and working for nothing when no one else is helping. How did I get here? Why do I feel alone even when I am surrounded? Can it be that I really am? Todays lesson is that no one is more profoundly sad than one who laughs too much.

New beginnings

Well people I am sitting at home wishing Robert was here to snuggle with me. My roomies are off with their boyfriends and I am sitting here without mine...again. Sad sad day. I am thinking about calling him and getting him over here. Its raining and quite windy which is odd for july. 
The weather has been stormy all week which is nice to not have triple digits but golly it sucks with the humidity!!! I think I have found my true calling though. I am going to pursue a degree in photography. I have really been enjoying editing the photos I took of Charlie and Eden's wedding and that day I had such a blast taking photos. I noticed that I am taking a lot of pride in my work and I am looking forward to their reactions. Hopefully they like them!!!!
I have been thinking of going to Switzerland for a year. Maybe take some french classes and go to school out there. I am looking into it, but am also considering England. I asked Robert if he would consider going with me. I think he might depending on what I come up with.
Work has been great with being a manager and all. I am going to be taking the classes soon so yay pay raises and yay experience!!! I already open and close by myself. I am going to stick with it as best I can and hopefully something comes of it. I feel good where I am at with work and now with the photography I think I have finally settled into something good for me. Huzzah!!!

Loving it!

I am all moved out of my parents house and into my new apartment! YAY YAY YAY!!!! I went and bought an air matress to sleep on until I go and get a bed frame and than a matress haha but for now I sleep pretty well and I absolutely love living there! I can walk literally across the street to work and I am downtown so EVERYTHING is down there. The cheaper gas station, the grocery store, and the restaurants! Of course I am still driving into Vegas for school and what not but that isn't really a big deal especially now that Robert has been driving down with me. School is much more fun when I go in with him! I love him and he is certainly a plus in my life!

I applied to work at SunWarrior today since they are hiring. I am letting Meressa and Madison know (two of my roomies) so that they can put in a good word for me....you know...help a sister out! Barbara is applying too and that would be so great if we both got to work there! I would be able to work full time and make a decent amount of money and I wouldn't have the same BS that I get from working at McDonald's. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed working there, but I am just...no...no more!

Working out has been okay. My calves have been developing nicely from going up and down the stairs everyday. I just now have to make sure to do more in depth working out in order to get into shape. Sometimes I wonder how Robert can even be attracted to me. I mean seriously I can eat just about the same that he can and although he is skinny the man can pack it away! I weigh more than he does and I can pick him up but he can't do the same to me. Yeah okay so I am used to lifting heavy things since I do that at work, but it is kind of sad that I am too heavy for my own boyfriend to lift up!

Anyways I have to go catch up on Glee. The apartment doesn't have inernet so I do what I can while at school!

Really now?

So I am sick. I have a bacterial sinus infection which means I am contagiously sick. I work at a restaurant where I handle food and interact with people. Being contagious is a health risk and I can't work in that environment otherwise others will get sick. Stupid me forgot to get a doctor's note because I was more concerned about getting the medication he prescribed. I went to the local pharmacy and was waiting for it to open (got there during their lunch break) when I run into some people I know. Hey it's a small town, it was bound to happen. We chat it up for a bit and reminisce about the weekend's events and than we seperate and get what we need. I turn in my prescription and grab a box of mucinex and they grab donuts (pharmacy and the only town grocery store combined). We pay together and than leave. I call into work letting them know that I can't work and won't be coming in. The manager says he will help me out and calls the store manager. Simple enough right? WRONG! Apparently my little trip to the pharmacy was seen by the store manager and since I was seen talking to people that I apparently knew (and in a town with no stoplights it is easy to know everyone) I was not sick in their eyes. In fact I was healthy enough to work since I was healthy enough to be out in public! GAH!!! So I call people to try and get them to cover my shift but noooooo everyone has plans. Like....really...the one time I call in to work sick or call anyone to cover my shift no one can cover for me and I can't stay home. What kind of rudeness is that? I mean I have switched shifs, worked later for people, and even come in on days off but NO ONE can do the same for me? What in the hell?

So my mom confiscated my phone and left a voicemail for those who would call to hear letting everyone know that I am not fit to work right now or to hang out. I love her. The meds make me so sleepy and I can't drive or operate heavy machinery. Whoopee right? I am going in on Monday to get that Doctor's note just so they can't say I was playing hooky from work. Seriosuly I dropped like 100 dollars on meds. No way in hell would I be paying that much just to not go to work. In other news though I have managed to get my tax return filed for this year and should be getting the money this week or next, which is just in time for the whole me moving in thing hahaha which is still happening! I am so excited and I can't wait! Barbara wants to move stuff in this week, which I hope to be able to do. I am going up to Provo on Thursday for Roy's wedding and I am super excited about it!!!

Despite being sick, things are looking up.

Oh and to those that think "If she can blog she isn't sick" really now? Typing is not that difficult to do. Look at those who drunk text. A monkey can type.

The Best Thing

It's been almost a year since we started dating and I can't express how much my life has changed and been bettered by him. We started out as friends and that friendship grew. I know I kind of threw myself at him shamelessly at times, and rather straightforwardly told him how I felt about him. I even asked him on a pseudo-date to Las Vegas without even telling him it was a date! That day was amazingly fun and I realized that I spent the entire time talking to him and sharing things. I opened up in a way I hadn't with any other guy. I fell in love with him that day.

We've grown together as time has gone on and we have defied the predictions others had of how long we would last. Our friendship is a great one and our relationship has been a high point in my life. He is the one constant in my life. The one thing (well person) I have come to rely on in my hectic and ever changing life. He really is probably the best I will ever get. Of course I will probably end up looking stupid if we end up breaking up, but for right now, at this very moment in the timeline of my life I can say with all my heart that I love him.

My favorite of us.

I know I am not the perfect girlfriend or the perfect person. Sometimes (most of the time) I can be a handful and I know my romantic tendencies and delusions often get ahead of me. I try though and I can only hope that he knows that.

Robert if you are reading this, I love you and I want you to be happy no matter what that might mean for me or for us.

Adventures in Hair Dying

My hair before.

My hair after

I wouldn't call my hair dying adventure a complete success since it was supposed to turn out a reddish brown, but I wouldn't call it a failure since I managed to not burn it all off and it looks pretty cute if I say so myself. My hair turned out a bit darker than usual, but I have gotten some good reviews from it so I am pleased. I used the Nice and Easy hair dying kit from Clairol. True to word it is easy! You just pour one part of the mix into the other, shake it up, pump dye into gloved hand, and run it all through your DRY hair. 25 minutes later BAM! New hair color!

I learned my lesson about cutting my hair by myself (I ended up looking like a boy) and decided never to do that again, but dying my hair is another story. I am no longer scared by the thought of it and am definitely going to continue this trend...at least there will be breaks in between so I am not dying the dye!

Slim in 6...maybe

So I've had some recent inspiration to lose the weight I have gained and to get into shape. It really is a personal choice, but also having a more active lifestyle and going out into public more has made me realize just how much I let myself go. I have gained 30 lbs in four years.That is almost ten lbs a year! GAH! So Today marks the day of change. I have said goodbye to all that was holding me back as far as eating and drinking goes. That means I can no longer have any late night Maverik runs with Barbara or if I go out with people I can't eat too much bad food. So if I go and have Pizza Hut or something that means I gotta do some extra work to make sure I am not set back too much.

My workout routine will be based off of the Slim in 6 series by Debbie Siebers. It will be hard, but worth it. It is two weeks on the "Start it up" and than two on the "Ramp it up" and than the last two weeks on the "Burn it up" I am thinking of doing a pyramid thing where once I finish the two burn it up weeks I am going to do two more weeks of ramp it up and than move down to two more weeks of start it up. Every Other day I am going to be doing the Slim in 6 pack routine and than on days I don't do that I am going to be doing Yoga Dance Fusion with Patricia Moreno. What I can tell you is that I am going to be SORE SORE SORE but it will be totally worth it!

Today I am starting some stretching and than the first "Start it up" day and than doing the 6 pack routine. I have done both before and let me tell you that I want to punch Debbie by the end of it, but at the same time I know I got a good workout. It is some light cardio and strength training. The moves make you use muscles you didn't even know you had! And the best part is that it is simple moves that can be done anywhere! I know that the few times that I have done it (inconsistently) that I have lost a lb or two during the workout itself. I would suggest wearing shoes though because with the resistance band it can hurt bare feet, but other than that you aren't being too hard on your knees or joints which is great for me since I have to be careful with my knees.

I am also going to be walking more and slowly but surely working my way up to running. I know that by balancing my working out with a healthy diet I will lose the weight the right way and I won't risk my health by going crazy with it! I weight 195 lbs right now. It doesn't really look like it, but that is because I hide it pretty well. I carry my weight in my stomach area, thighs, and it is slowly creeping into my face. My main goal is to get into the healthy weight range of 145 to 150 lbs. The lowest I should weigh is 125, but I would rather be on the safer side. 140 is the lowest I want to go. I am not looking to be super skinny. I just want to get into shape and not have knee problems because there is too much weight or pressure on them. Also my emotional health will increase by doing this. Let's just hope that I don't die from lack of soda!

But hey what doesn't kill us makes us hotter right?

Contagiously Awesome.

I talked to Jaren today. It was two nice conversations of catching up and just chit chatting. We even got our spanish on. It is so weird because I remember way back when I knew more spanish than he did, but now I am the one who needs a dictionary!!!! It is amazing how easy our conversations went and not awkward they were. I thought maybe there would be some but not at all! As it turns out he did write me back while in Mexico! I just didn't get the letters! Wow and to think that I stopped writing a whole lot because I thought he didn't want to hear from me. Pfft well consider that lesson learned.....a little too late, but that is okay!

Miracle League training is tomorrow and I am so completely excited! I missed last season and I was very sad, but now that I can participate this season I am very happy! Miracle League is such a great organization to be a part of and it is a great way to spend Saturday mornings! Miracle League is a Baseball program that allows people with disabilities (whether mental or physical) to play baseball. The field is this special turf that allows those with wheelchairs or other mobility devices to move around with ease. Everyone on a team gets to hit the play whether on a tee or pitched too and everyone gets to run home! Every team wins. It is so great. Buddies (that's me!) help the players with the game, either protecting them from the ball if it might hit the player or helping them to swing or even helping them to run to the bases. I usually have ended up with players that like to move around a whole lot so I am constantly running and playing with them. One of the players even proposed to me! hahaha it is always so much fun and everyone is always smiling and enjoying the game. The hot dogs are pretty good too. :)

This Sunday I don't have to work so guess where I am going?! CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!! Yeah Can you tell I am pumped? I have been studying Preach My Gospel and have been working on praying more. It totally has helped me out a whole lot. I can feel Heavenly Father's influence in my life and I can see the small daily miracles that are right before my eyes. I am so grateful for this gospel and I know that awhile back I was questioning and actually considerng leaving, but I am so glad that I didn't!!!!!!!! I am striving to live better and to be a better person. It is so not as easy as it sounds and I can guarantee that I will most likely fail at times, but I know that with persistence I will soon be back on track! HUZZAH!

So on the way to work today I was driving by the softball fields when I see this familiar car driving towards me and as I got closer I realized that it was Robert. So imagine me waving like a dork with this ridiculous looking face on and you pretty much can see why he caught the bug and did the same thing. Yes I know. I am contagiously awesome.

Confession time..in code

A lot of how I get through life is by thinking "what would I really like to do?" and than I go with whatever is opposite that, because my ID impulses are the ones that would get me into loads of trouble and would end up hurting people. Even when I am happy it is generally because I am have those around me happy. I am too damn accomodating sometimes. Like for instance right now I really want to do this one thing irregardless of the consequences because for far too long I have done whatever would make everyone else happy. I have been afraid of stepping on eggshells or creating waves, but right now I would like to march up to someone hand them a box and say "Read it and tell me that all of this wasn't a lie!" And than I just want to take them and....well...I haven't quite gotten there yet, but I am sure my ID would fill in the blank. Instead I am actually just going to do nothing...but wait....and wait....and wait some more before nothing happens. I am going to do what I should do and not what I want to do. The best part is that I don't even know what is going to happen. The best guess is nothing. Life will continue on in this course and it won't be something of a whirlwind adventure or suspense film. It will be as it is.

And that is the problem. Tomorrow so much changes and needs to change. There needs to be an awakening, a closeness that is brought into existence otherwise I am going to let my dear friend ID takeover and it won't be pretty. Of Course ID will be nice, but I'm done being the doormat. I'm done saying "I don't care" or putting the other person in front. It isn't their fault. It is actually me and my weird compulsion to please everyone. I sicken myself. Tomorrow the good sweet angelic Nadia is going away and the Impulsive, slightly reckless Nadia is coming out to play for an evening. It probably isn't the best idea and I probably will end up very unhappy in the end of the evening, but I am going to risk it. I am going to put myself out there into the void and yell "HERE I AM!!! TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!!!!!!!!!"

Tomorrow is the day where an understanding will either occur or the world as we (you the reader and myself) have come to enjoy will end. So sleep well and come back for an update. Adieu!

Picture time!

My car was marked!!!

This makes me laugh everytime haha we went skating not too long ago

My sister turned 20!!!! GAH!!!

Just some pictures from the last couple of months...so there are only three but whatevers!

The first one is the art work of the ever awesome Zach Brough right before he moved to Utah. He marked all four sides of my car. I thought the lovely heads were adorable haha Robert and I were in the car and he did this while we went into Lin's.

The second one is from a Single's Activity Robert and I went to. Roller Skating in Mesquite. It was pretty fun and we enjoyed ourselves and the company. This picture just makes me laugh. He can be such a goofball sometimes.

The third one is just about one of the only nice pics we got of Erica and her cake. She is such a butt! Love her though and I am so glad we are close in age!

Two Roads Diverged

The reason why I say it is at a crossroads is because I feel like something big is going to happen and I know it's going to just mess up everything I have going on. Mess up doesn't necessarily mean a bad mess up, but it just means I either have to change my destination or make a detour. There is a lot of confusion right now about where I stand with someone and I am going to try and make that person realize that I am confused.


It doesn't help when you tell someone everything about how you feel or where you stand and they don't reciprocate. It is hard when you can go a week without realizing you haven't seen that person face to face. Sure talking on the phone, but what ever happened to being closely connected with someone? I feel like I have lost my groove with this person, like I am disconnected from them. My thinking has changed slowly and I have to keep reminding myself of how I should be thinking. It is not good when your best friend even acts like you aren't with that person anymore. I know in my heart I still am, but at the same time my heart is the one trying to let go. I realize I am probably asking a lot, but I am one of those people who wants to be fought for, or to have the effort shown that I am wanted in someone's life. I am a completely hopeless romantic. So I don't need flowers every week or a fiery kiss when fireworks go off, but I do enjoy things like kisses that are fiery and passionate and last more than a second or even someone saying "You look beautiful" or saying "I love you" without me saying it first. I am not complaining here. I am merely stating what I like in a relationship. I have been in a few and I have to say that the things I liked consistently in them were that the guys made their affections known and almost on a daily basis...now there is a line between affectionate and clingy...some crossed it, but others maintained it really well. I like knowing that a guy wants to keep me around and that he thinks about a future with me and one that extends to beyond "what are we doing tomorrow?" I think that is one of my biggest peeves. I take the time to look and see if I could have a future with someone. If one day (and not like way waaaaaaaaaaaay in the future) we could be married and all that. Picket fence and rugrats. The Works. But when someone doesn't even think about if we will be together in a year or so? It really makes me question why we are even together. I am not talking about my current relationship. I am actually just talking in general, because I hear what people say or talk about and generally that is one of the biggest complaints. I won't always be there, I don't want whoever I am with to just ASSUME that they can live their life and not try and keep me in it and I mean really try. Courtship doesn't end after a certain amount of time...it doesn't even end after marriage.

If by a year you don't know if you could spend the rest of your life (or eternity for that matter) with someone...what the hell are you doing still with them? I mean yes you can love someone but I really think that if you can't commit to getting married than why be with them? I do know there are reasons like distance and sometimes people want to finish school, but generally there is an understanding that marriage will happen. You don't date someone for 4 or 5 years and than be like "well thanks for your time. See ya!" My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for a few years now and do the long distance thing, but they even know they are getting married. Its casual conversation with them. We were eating at a macaroni place and my sister said "They are so catering our wedding" and he just responded about flying them out or ordering and it was so natural. They aren't getting married for a few years still but really now....they are committed. They have an understanding. I could live with an understanding. I really could, but when there is not talk about it or even any indication that it has been thought about than that's where I start to get my feathers a bit ruffled. I want to know that I am important and that someone wants me in their immediate and distant future. I don't want to wait like a gagillion years (okay so lets just say two years is kinda my max without a ring or some kind of understanding) for someone to finally say "okay I want to marry you" Hell to the No would I spend that much time just hoping and wishing that they will take that step.

Seriously I already know, in my current relationship, that I would say yes...in a heartbeat I would. But you see this is because I have actually considered it. Has he? I don't know! I can only gues that it is a no, because we don't talk about it...well we did and last time it was kind of ended like "So where does that leave us?" Which we all know is NEVER a good thing. Of course idk if he really knows that if he wanted to drive down to Vegas (since its like 45 away) and get married that I would be like...give me a min to pack. But even if he did I wouldn't know!

So where the tow roads comes in is either I continue down this path (after telling him all of the above) and seeing where I end up (after he and I discuss HEAVILY what I have said above) or we end up reverting to the friend phase and I take the other road alone. Of course I am rather prefering the other road and traveling with him (since I have just stated I would totally marry the guy), but I am also prepared to take the other if it is in the best interest of us both.

I only hope that this goes well.

Changing Directions

Barbara and I are moving out of our homes and into an apartment with three other girls. Oh gosh I can imagine my mom reading this right now...hopefully I get to her before she sees this! We have been discussing this for some time especially since Barbara isn't going back to school for a bit and we both really want to do this. Rent is really cheap and the apartment is really nice and it is righ across the street from where I work! Also Barbara is going to help me get a job at Wally's so I can have two jobs!!! I have mapped out my financial situation and it is looking really REALLY good. I know that handling that has to be one step at a time and I am happy to say that the steps I am taking won't set me back any! In fact, I will be getting rid of debt instead of increasing it! But anyways back the whole "life changing" bit....This decision is something I feel really great about...I actually feel super confident in it and I am not afraid. Yeah there is some anxiety, but it is mainly because last time I was on my own I ended up cutting all my hair, but I am in a much better place now and I am moving in with friends and I won't be a ridiculous distance away from my family. On Friday Barbara and I are going to go look at furniture for our room (we are sharing a room together) and things like that. WAY EXCITED!!!!

School is going really well. I got an A on the first math test and my psychology classes are really interesting and I enjoy being there. Ballroom is absolutely wonderful! BEST. IDEA. EVER. I friggin love dancing! I plan on taking a dance class every semester...it is excersize that I like. Speaking of excersize....Barbara and I are doing P90x....well I start tomorrow hahaha she is two days ahead of me but whatever! We are going to be looking so good by her birthday! We both have this goal and we both have super motivation to get our butt into shape...literally!!!!! Roy Bischoff (my adopted older brother) is getting married in a couple weeks and I am going to his wedding! I am so excited for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I plan on playing with Jenny's baby the entire time though lol because Olivia is the cutest thing since baby ducks!

Erica's Birthday went really well, well we actually attended a memorial service for Janet's dad, but than Oscar invited everyone over to Grandma's for an impromptu Empanada party. Seriously that word came out and everyone was like "EMPANADAS?! !(*&#$%^(*@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and than we ate until we could barely function. Empandas are the bomb diggity! We saw the movie I am Number Four...it was....interesting....I mean it was okay but I think I am going to read the book and will probably like it more than the movie. Well I got to get some sleep.

Doesn't Matter if you love him or HIM

New Goal: Lose at the minimum of one or two lbs a day.

Reason: 17...that's all you need to know for now about the reason.

Over the past two years I have gone over so many ups and downs and reinvented myself so many times that I can't keep track of how many personal revolutions I have gone through. I've grown my hair out, colored it, cut it, and than returned to growing it out. My weight has gone up dramatically and I have been fighting it, but I have finally decided to kick it in the butt and lose it. I've become less shy and more outgoing, more opinionated and more likely to stand up for myself. I am louder and stronger than I was two years ago and I tend to be more honest and open about how I feel or what I am thinking. There are things I am still selfconscious about (mainly my weight) but other aspects of my life I have gained extraordinary confidence. For once in my life I am confident about the path my life is taking, the career I have chosen and the friends I have, my family, and just about everything fits me and how I want to be. No one can say I am the same as I was two years ago. I was an emotionally needy clinger. Okay so I am still pretty emotional, but not about the same things. My independence has grown phenominally and I for the first time ever I actually LOVE who I am! Almost selfishly actually hahaha but considering I used to hate myself this is a great moment for me! I can recognize that I am a beautiful young woman and that I was born to be who I am.

Whether or not this version of me is accepted in general is a test of sorts with my friends and others I know. People are used to who I used to be, who I let myself be for them. I've stopped and now am living for me. It sounds selfish to say that, but my life is not something for others to make or stake a claim on. I have to live my life for me, if others want a part in it a compromise can be made or if their life is at the same beat and tempo as mine they can join in. But You can't match classical music with pop rock...it doesn't always mesh well.

I guess this whole "I AM ME...HERE ME ROAR!" statement is coming from a personal place. I have been told something lately that has started the wheels turning in my head. I didn't think that this would happen. I honestly thought I would be "Oh okay" and than just move on with my life. But...anticipation? Did not see it coming and didn't expect it to. I feel...flabberghasted almost and if I was an emoticon I would be this right now O_O....life certainly has changed me a lot and I look at things differently than i used to. They are rose colored glasses, but with a darker tint than one would think. Whatever happens though I am confident in myself.

Through all of this I have learned to love myself and to love life.

Taxes and Future Hopes

So this year I finally made enough to actually have to file taxes *tear* I thought I could maybe coast by again without making a significant amount but lo and behold I made just under 9,000. Still that is well below the poverty line as far as making money goes and ability to live off of said money, BUT jokes on them because my projected tax return is going to be just over 1,000!!!!! WOOT WOOT! Okay so I didn't strike gold, but hey half of that return is going to help me pay off a debt. And with that debt out of the way I will have only one more to pay and let me tell you that makes me really happy. You have no idea! I am getting the remaining balance of the big debt sent to me, and I know it will be less than it was last time (since I have been sepdning money) but with the correct numbers I will be able to set a more steady budget plan and get that paid off too! My goal is to be debt free by my birthday in September. Preferably before it, but still. I know that when school stops in May I won't be spending hardly any money on gas and hopefully by than I will have a second job and the money will be flowing in! It is probably hard to fathom how happy I am about all of this, but just let me tell you I am ECSTATIC!

Some of you are probably reading this and going "Dude relax, you don't know if all that's going to happen." Well I know that I don't know if it will happen, but I can be optimistic. I am not placing all my hopes on my tax return, but it is nice to look at it and go "Hmm yes that will help." And in actuality it will. So :P Don't try to crap in my cocoa puffs!

All in all with this year's return being so nice I can't really fathom why people don't like filing taxes.

What to do? What to Do?

I am experiencing a difficult problem here and it centers around Valentine's Day. Now I normally don't do anything (because what single person does?) but this year I have a boyfriend...but neither of us have done the whole "Valentine's Day with someone" kind of deal before. We both are pretty clueless as to what to do. A friend of mine suggested we go to Vegas and spend the evening there. I mean prices aside, that would be kinda cool, but at the same time there are some rather cheesy implications in that. Not saying the evening wouldn't be fun, but at the same time is spending the night in Vegas something we would enjoy doing?
The other option in this little equation is doing something at home....no matter which house we choose there will be parental units (and in my case younger siblings) so we can't really say we would have quality privacy time. We most likely would watch a movie alone anyways but still, it isn't exactly ideal when family can just walk in or through or even join in on the film.
We don't have very many places we can go to be alone together. It  is still pretty chilly at night to do anything outside, so that is ruled out. We would go do a dinner/movie thing, but with me having school on Monday we can't really do that unless we saw a movie in Vegas or something, meaning he would have to drive down there to see it. And with that my thinking goes "Well if he drives down there and we see a movie and than maybe eat after it will be pretty late and we would both be tired so we might as well get a room." But than I also know that I can drive pretty well at night and I do drive well when I am tired. Its kind of sad making this is. I mean sure we can go to his house and watch a movie in his room (and that will probably be what happens), but I was kind of hoping we could manage something we don't (or won't be) doing on a regular basis.

I am at a loss for what to do.

Where I Proved My Depression

Taking an abnormal Psychology class is proving to be a bit...depressing. Today our professor asked us on a scale of 1 to 10 how the class would rate us on how much they liked us. He asked who thought it was a 7 or an 8 and EVERYONE BUT ME raised their hands and he looked at me and asked me what I thought and I said that on average most people would rate me and everyone else (since they don't know them) a 5 or a 6. Than he looks at the rest of the class and asks if I am correct. Everyone agreed that they would rate everyone else a 5 or a 6. I thought "Oh cool, I totally got that one right." BUT then he continues with "Most normal thinking tend to think 7 or 8 because they are blowing smoke up their ass, but that type of thinking is generally healthy. Those who rate themselves at a 5 or a 6 rate themselves that way because they are clinically depressed and are lacking that ability to trump themselves up to themselves."

Touche abnormal psychology professor touche. He did apologize for putting it so bluntly and then he asked me if he was correct. What was I going to do? Lie? The man had called me out on my own disorder in front of the entire class. Was my answer supposed to be "No I am just a pessimist"? OF COURSE I told him he was correct, but talk about a harsh slap of reality. I mean there I am sitting with my usual thinking and BOOM I get this reminder that my "normal" is in fact "abnormal".

*sigh* Than we started talking about how I got to that diagnosis and blah blah blah and when it came to the fact that depression runs in BOTH sides of my family he asked me what the trigger was that started the clinical depression and I told him that I had an abusive childhood. He had to explain to the class that I had been born ready to be depressed and I could have managed my whole life without the clinical depression and just having the normal blues, but my environment triggered the chemical imbalance and now there I was sitting in his class, a living breathing case study for these undergraduate students.
My sudden fame is not suiting me at all. I mean, I beat out the postpartum depression lady and the guy with OCD. I would rather drift back into my corner of obscurity and just pass the class without any real big things like that but oh no I opened my mouth with honesty and now there are like 30 some odd strangers who find me fascinating and not for the right reasons.

Sometimes my brain to mouth filter needs to work quicker.

Nadia Gets Serenaded-The Plan

So call me a hopeless romantic if you will, but this week's episode of Glee brought me this wishful sort of hope that I too will one day have a guy serenade me with a love song. It's a long shot, but still I am not a conventional type of girl and a big gesture like that makes me *swoon* My mom is probably reading this right now and rolling her eyes, but I don't really care. I have always lived in a fantasy world (call it a coping mechanism if you will) and I can always easily imagine situations.
This is how the serenading would go down (ideally)
It would be a moonlight picnic overlooking some sort of scenery either on a hill of sorts looking out over a city or like....just somewhere with a nice view. We will be sitting, eating, watching the stars, maybe listening to some tunes and he will look at me and say something totally cliche like "The stars' beauty pales in comparison to you" (See I am brilliant at dramatics) and than he will suddenly bust out with some awesomely mind blowing song that he has practiced for days (hey I don't demand perfection) and although my ears might not exactly be ringing with happy music, I would be so wonderfully overcome that all notes of flats and sharps will be kept on the back burner for future reference (because I will need to remember if I like their singing or not). When he finishes singing he will be no doubt waiting in anticipation for my response and I will be so pleased to finally be able to say "No one has ever serenaded me before! I feel so honored!" and than we will make out and blah blah blah.

Oh yes people that will be how it ideally will play out. Now depending on where I am at in the relationship it would be totally cool if the guy proposed after (I'm saying after awhile of dating) or asked me out (if we have been on a few dates) or professed his love for me ( but only after we have dated for a bit....first date would be creepy). There is room for compromise though, because something like this can't always be planned out perfectly. Things like the weather and *gasp* a lack of a view would have to be inserted into the "Nadia gets serenaded" equation. But overall I think I painted a pretty good outline of how it would work quite well.
Of course I am only writing this because I don't really expect it will happen. I may be a incurable romantic, but I also am a bit cynical when it comes to my own dreamings. I do see what the world is really like through my rose colored glasses and I don't blow smoke up my butt like most normal people do, but damn it I can dream so let me!

If any guys want to serenade me...you know what to do. ;)

I'm Still Human

Let me explain one simple thing before going off into my rant here.
THE HARDEST PART OF MY JOB IS THE CUSTOMERS
Okay so now that that is over with let me begin with my wild rantings of abuse and mistreatment in the customer service/ fast food workforce in which I am currently working. Yes there are actually difficult things about working at McDonald's...no it doesn't take a rocket scientist, but hey I want to see you jump behind the counter and order all the orders we input and than make and than serve out. See how you do. If you are better than us it is either because you have worked in fast food before or you somehow have been secretly watching us and our system and have perfected it and than took me up on this offer.
If either of those are true...I salute you.
If not and you end up failing. I will hand you a napkin to wipe the tears of failure now streaming down your face.

ANYWAYS my whole point about this rant today is to discuss some much needed attitude adjustments that you (the customer) need to make when dealing with me (the fast food worker) or anyone else working in a fast food restaurant or in that case a job that you have deemed as a lesser job. Look we work for minimum wage, often for 40 + hours week and STILL can't afford rent or other expenses that are actually important. We deal with minor to third degree burns from the grill, fingers get sliced  from the metal on some of the equipment, we have to constantly run around each other in tight working spaces and memorize prices and orders and what order goes where. Now I know we don't always get it right, but in all actuality we try to because our jobs depend on it. Yeah we aren't always in the best of moods, but you think you would be if you worked for a measly 8.25 an hour to do a job that others won't? Its hard work, my feet each night are killing me, I have burn scars, my face and hair are so oily, and I almost permanently smell of fries.
I could live with all of that easily...if I had better pay and a bit more respect from the people who come and to the restaurant. Look we don't even get tips...but this isn't about my crappy pay. Oh no, this is about the customers. Believe it or not, you aren't always right.

Do you realize we have policies and rules we don't make but are supposed to follow? Do you really think that we make those damn rules? We would love to give you 20 sauces for your 6 nuggets, but hey rules is rules and you only get one (well two with the complimentary one) but we are going to charge if you want extra. That's giving away free food if we just hand you stuff. Hell if we gave you our sauce inventory we might as well throw in some other free food right? And than there is the whole deal with the booster club cards. I friggin hate those. We have to take off like two bucks off a sandwich when they order a large fry and a drink. Now that's cool, but when someone orders a premium or a specialty sandwich and expect their two bucks off...yeah sorry can't do that. It says REGULAR sandwich and you are going for one of the special ones? Two bucks off of those and it might as well be a free one! Just becuase it doesn't specify which sandwiches are which does not mean it is false advertising and it does not mean you can bitch at me because you can't get your sandwich free. I didn't decide this and I sure as hell can't fix the problem. Your threat of not returning actually pleases me and everyone else. We don't want an abusive customer coming to our store. We don't need it!
My favorite people are the ones who come every week but they always seem to find something wrong or I hear them bad mouthing the store, service, whatever it is that made them unhappy. Seriously? You come here all the time and then you complain about it? Tell me what is wrong with that picture? When i don't like somewhere I don't go there. It's easy. Also just because you decide to come to our store doesn't mean we have to roll out the red carpet and ask for your autograph. Yes we do (and should ) treat you nicely and all that jazz, but please leave your bitching pants at the door. If you are nice to us we will be nice to you. It really is that simple. Remember we are the ones making your food. Your very health is in our hands. It never ceases to amaze me how rude and condescending people can be towards us. I mean seriously if I want someone to criticize me or to talk down to me or to act like I am nothing but an amoeba on a flea on a sewer rat than I will go hunt up my ex-stepmother. But even she was nice to fast food workers!!! It just does hurt sometimes and wears me down when there are so many customers that just complain or are rude because we aren't handing them the world on a silver platter. They expect gourmet food and fine dining experiences from us. Get over yourselves. You came to a fast food place, nothing is gourmet about it and the dining is not fine...seriously the chairs and stools are plastic. You are eating off a plastic tray not china. Realize this and stop fooling yourself.

Last but not least do NOT assume that just because I work at a fast food restaurant that I am beneath you or an idiot. I drive my own car (which believe it or not is actually nicer than most who come in), my clothes are nice (I buy my own), I am getting an education and graduated high school with an honors diploma, I am a highly intelligent person, I have never been in prison, and I was born and raised in the states....my name may be foreign but I am not. Most who work at fast food aren't the low lives that people seem to think they are. Hell the ones I have worked with are all decent people (the majority of them anyways) who are living their own lives and living them well. Looking down on me when you find out where I work is not cool either. I am in this college class/ wherever I may be along side you. Obviously my life is not being wasted and you totally were laughing and having an enjoyable time with me before the "Where do you work?" question came up. Is it really all that much of a difference in your opinion of me now? Would it help if I told you the other jobs I have had? I mean you might respect me more if I said I used to be a tutor right? I don't get how I suddenly went from amazing to "omg you work where? *insert look of disgust*" I get it, my job is kind of lame. But the stereotypes and the acting all high and mighty with us when you drive a clunker and are dressed in ratty clothes and smell like death? Yeah not impressing anybody and you really have managed to make us feel better about our lives. So thanks I guess.

Now the only person I will ever let treat me (and I would gladly take it) like I am less than dirt, is someone who drives thru with a Bugatti and they actually own it...that or Gerard Butler...

Speaking of Love...

My mother sent me this today (knowing I would LOVE it) and she was right...I did! I loved it so much I decided to put it on my blog. See mother I do listen!

 

 

"True love puts the other person first, not self. True love DOES NOT cause or even ask another to sin nor does it cause pain to the other person. True love draws one CLOSER to God, and each other not further away. "

 

I decided to make a list of things I love. I don't really do this often, but since yesterday was a such a Negative Nancy kind of day for me I wanted to remind myself of all the wonderful things I have in my life that continue to bring me joy. So without further to do, Ladies and Gentlemen, the "Things Nadia Loves" list!

 

1. My family- ALL of them...even the stinky ones....because if you hear or read any conversation we have you will realize that we are all pretty hilarious and smart....so basically we are all smart asses. Who wouldn't love that?!

 

2. My friends- I won't list specific ones because than others will feel left out. BUT I will say there are start players in that part of the list and without them my life would be a miserable black spot on the face of all humanity. I mean...all I would have would be my smartass family. XD

 

3. Learning- I will be the first to admit that I am a nerd. I LOVE to learn with a passion of a thousand fiery suns. I love to learn new things and advance my knowledge of old. It can be problematic because my smartass-ness and the way I act with my friends tends to make people think I am not as smart or intelligent as I am.

 

4. Singing- There is rarely a song that I don't like. There is even more rarely a song I don't like to sing! I sing in the shower, in my room, in my car, at work, and wherever I feel like singing. I am even singing in my head as I type this!

 

5. Soda- Not just any soda. Regular Coca- Cola soda....the stuff is the nectar of the gods! Seriously I shouldn't be drinking the stuff but OMG I FRIGGIN' LOVE IT!!!

 

6. Disney- I love (almost) anything Disney. Disneyland is pretty much the shit in my books and I seriously can not fathom how people can go their whole lives and never visit! There are parts of Disney I don't like though like the Disney Channel and how every actor has to somehow become a singer too...when they can't do either. But overall Disney rocks this girls socks.

 

7. Books- even if I don't read them I collect them. But for the most part once I buy one I read it until I am done. I will literally stay up all night and read just so I can go about my day the next day pondering the book and not concentrating on what is going to happen next.

 

8. Movies- I love watching movies. Any type actually. It doesn't matter if it is black and white or or computer animated. Once I watch a movie I then feel like I can make a fair judgement upon it as far as the acting and what not.

 

 

----okay so that is only 8 for now, but I am going to be getting ready for work shortly. The list though will continue later along with more opinions and comments on things.

 

I have decided that I am going to just blog my opinions about stuff along with daily anecdotes and blah blah blah. I don't know who all reads this, but seriously I know I bore myself sometimes with these posts hahaha so hopefully I can entertain y'all better.

Big Up The Love

Valentine's Day is coming up and this is the first year I am actually going to have someone to celebrate it with, but I don't even know what we would do or anything. I have school that day and that night I would probably not be home until 8:30 ish pm! I don't really care what we do, but I seriously hope that if a gift is involved it isn't like chocolate or some other typical thing like that. IDK but I have always kinda seen those chocolates and cards the stores hawk as just a way of lessening the importance behind the original holiday. Valentine's day originated in the Catholic church to honor Saint Valentine....except there are numerous Valentines that were martyred and subsequently sainted. It gots its romantic undertones out of legends about Saint Valentine performing marriage ceremonies under the nose the the Roman emperor (but none of this has been proven) and than from the poet Chaucer. It also began to be celebrated as a holiday for love as a way of getting the pagans to assimilate from the roman religion festivities of Lupercallia (fertility festival) to one more.....saintly.


And we are expected to buy chocolates and flowers and witty cards to somehow proclaim our undying love (once a year mind you) to the person we are (currently) intimately linked to.....yeah something doesn't quite smell right. Now I am just as romantic as the next girl and wouldn't mind something to go down on Valentine's Day (V-Day sounds like an STD awareness thing...), but I am also not one who is easily sated by something you can buy at the local drug store or gas station for under a buck. I would rather spend all night huddled under a blanket looking at the stars than be handed a box of crummy chocolates that I will end up sharing with my family. Call me high maintenance if you will, but I think love means more than that. Love is spending time with someone not out of obligation but out of the pure intentions of your heart. It isn't needing a thousand roses (so cliche) or promises that aren't made to be kept. It's about being there for someone on an emotional, physical, mental, and any other kind of level that is required. Love is friendship and companionship, but it is also a level of intimacy and respect. What makes the difference between a relationship and friendship? I love many of my friends deeply and would do many things for them, but there is a line I would never cross with them. With a significant other though there are levels you reach that draw you closer than any friend.

Valentine's Day is this big pressure to out do your normal levels of loving someone on this one day. I personally think you should try to outdo yourself everyday. Simply being affectionate with your partner at least once a day whether it's saying someone like "I love you" or "You look beautiful/handsome" or it is stopping by their work or leaving them an unexpected note or something simple like that. Those things are what make the relationship stronger. Not some half-assed holiday that the candy, flower, jewelry, and card companies build up every year. Though I do have to say some of the stuff they come out with is pretty nifty....it still is a sham. It's important to maintain a level of intimacy and affection year round...not just whip out the love for special occasions like that fine china people use for Christmas! So this year I encourage everyone to big up the love...but on the daily level. Not just for Valentine's.

Feel free to celebrate though. Hey make it your "Big up the Love" Starting point. Go all out and than try to top it the next day! Good luck everyone!

My day...ugh!

Well one week later and already I have dealt with a lot that just baffles me. As it turns out a mission is probably not for me and is not going to happen. Not going to go into details, but too much has changed about me. I know that I would not be at the same level as I once was, I never will be at that same level of faith again. It is disheartening of course, but I now that I have this amazing capacity for adapting and changing myself to fit my needs and the needs of others. I will do what I can and serve my fellow man as best I can with what I have. It is nothing to be ashamed of and I am not at all embarassed to admit that I have changed too much amd my faith has changed in ways that I can't easily put into words. On thursday though I am meeting with the Sister Missionaries because *surprise* they are my visiting teachers. Fantastic isn't it?

Today was a pretty crappy day as far was days go. The morning started out with an arguement of sorts with Robert and than I was on my way to school and I got pulled over because of my license plates and the cop told me I was lucky things worked out with my insurance because they would have had to take me in! Apparently it was looking as if I had stolen my own vehicle! GAH! This scared me and pissed me off and I was 30 minutes late to class. The sub marked me as tardy which means I lost 5 points on a 10 point assignment...since that was the first assignment I am now starting with an F in the class. This did nothing to improve my mood. Math went pretty well considering I only had one problem I didn't understand and I had gotten a 90 on the first quiz of the semester! I went home and talked to my mom than talked to Robert and than got on here. I am slowly making my way to bed, but I felt like coming and blogging.

Despite my whining about my day, I know I am an incredibly blessed person and that the day could have been ten times worse than it was. Colton and I have sort of jumpstarted our friendship again and we have been talking more frequently. I forgot how much I enjoy his friendship hahaha he gets me. I am hoping to make my way to St. George this Thursday to see Kami, but it isn't set in stone yet. I am also trying to spend more time with that lovely apple of my eye named Barbara. The girl is a babe and I LOVE having her back in town!!!

My interview for the Bank Of America position went well. I just need to send in a background verification form thingy and I am good to go. I will hopefully have a face to face interview next week seeing as the Bank managers will be out of town this week. I hope I get the job. I need to be working two since McDonalds isn't enough to live basically. I do enjoy working there and have really learned to like work...it's probably because I have just kind of forced myself to hahaha but still i enjoy it. I even got my first second degree burn last week when closing grill. My pinky touched the bare surface of the clam part of the grill and BOOM insta-blister! It hurts like a mother trucker and I have no patience for it, but I am oddly proud of it at the same time. It's like some weird twisted right of passage. I strangely hope it scars pretty awesomely so I can whip it out and be like "Oh yeah?! Take a gander at this beauty! Bet you ain't seen that big a burn on a pinky before!" and than some poor trainee will be all *faint* and we will laugh and than share how I only get burned because I am so special the grill likes to leave it's mark on me every week. OH and I heard tale that we are getting new uniforms soon! Shawn says they are really cool shirts! We are also getting new pants, belts, hats, and even new nametags which means my magnet one I got in mesquite will get to stay with me since it is different!!!!

It's the little things in life you have got to enjoy.

Great BIG Need

Well it has been decided. I am going to focus on serving a mission which means I have to start changing certain behaviors that i have picked up, start attending church regularly, AND go to mission prep which starts at *gag* 6 am! Of course I have some other things to do, but those are the basic ones. Why would I start back on this track again you might ask? It's simple. I need to. It isn't something I have ever doubted. I have doubted when I should go and why I was driven to go, but now I know simply because I need to. I am not running from anything and I am not going to be diving into it unawares. I know if I don't go I will regret it for the rest of my natural life. I know that I have experienced all I have experienced to better put things into perspective for me. My Heavenly Father loves me and while these past few months I have kind of treated Him and that love for me pretty crappy, I have had some eye openers lately that have shown me how He is still here and still loving my imperfect self.

It will be an effort on my part in order to change all that I need to change. I have transgressed on a few things and I haven't done some behaviors in awhile and that's a small win for me, but I have a problem with consistency. Life being busy has helped me stay away from certain things, but the business makes it easier for others to be done. I am not going into detail with what any of them are, but they are those nasty little habits that once you get them they are hard to undo (like fingernail biting *shudder*) My faith is not as strong as it once was, but it is still there. I know a lot of people are going to be upset with my decision, but I now a lot of people who will support me on it as well. I'm going to start saving a portion of each paycheck and hopefully I save enough each month that I will be able to raise the required amount (or more than half of it) before my next birthday.

I am trying to get a second job which will help with that and I am also way closer to paying off some debts than I was last year when I wanted to go. I know that if I don't reach my goal by my birthday that I still have time until my 25th birthday hahaha but I also don't want to be "old" while out there....most of those elders will be younger than me to begin with...and so will most of the sisters!!!

Of course I will try my hardest and put my all into this, but I know that sometimes what we want is not what Heavenly Father has planned for us. I am willing to accept whatever plans He has in store for me, but I know that by going down this chosen path I will be lead wherever I need to be.