I got me one!!!

So in the midst of this crazy thing called life, we all have these moments of beauty that just cause us extreme happiness. Today I had one such moment.

The man of my dreams asked me to be his wife!

I knew it was coming, but I didn't know when or how and that made it all the more special to me! We had been reading the Book of Mormon together nightly since a couple days after we started dating and tonight we finally finished it. As usual we were sharing our thoughts on the reading and I went first. I brought up Moroni's challenge to take in and ponder what we have read/ learned. When it was Jonathan's turn he got up saying "I have something that goes along with that" and he walked away into his room. After what seemed like FOREVER he came out of his bedroom with a hardcover copy of the BOM and had a page saved. He told me to turn to it and as I opened the book my eyes fell onto a page with a sticky note reading "Nadia, will you marry me?" I looked up and there he was down on one knee. The sticky note hid a stunning ring that I swiped out of the book while simultaneously hugging him. His mom poked around the corner with a camera (the pictures sadly didnt turn out) and asked what I said. At that point I had only managed to ask if he was being serious and had neglected to say "YES!" Thankfully her question reminded me and I let him know!!!

I had been wondering why during scriptures she kept coming and asking when we would be done. Normally she lets us read and than would talk to us, but she kept saying she needed our help setting up her ipad. :D Looks like I am marrying into an awesome family!

Phone calls were made, texts sebt, facebook updated, and than we went and got McFlurries and watched Kung Pow. Yeah we know how to celebrate!

Nadia-4 Cops-0

Presenting your Driver's License to a Police Officer is always such a treat. You just know they look at it and are forcing back a smile at the ridiculousness the DMV managed to capture.midblink. I mean License photos might as well be the criminal line up photos you know? They are just as bad and NO ONE wants theirs seen.

Unfortunately for me tonight I had to whip out my beautimous DL as well as my registration and proof of insurance. Want to hear the story as only I can tell it? Okay here it goes!!

So there I was driving home, tired and weary after putting in a full day on my feet. Babysitting in the morning and good ole McDonald's in the evening. Nothing unusual really until I see a truck flip a u behind me. As it was turning the light from a random lightpole flashed off the top of the car and I suddenly start to feel a panic.
It was a cop.
"Oh great." I kept thinking to myself "Prepare for the enventual blinding flashing lights." I kept thinking this to myself and I drove...and kept driving...and than a good mile and a half from the original stalking point the lights turn on in all of their red and blue glory...white is in their I am sure but my eyes didnt adjust very well to being blinded. The Officer apporached my vehicle where I was sitting, combing through all the possible reasons why I would be pulled over.
Headlights...the right side ones to be exact.
I knew they were out. I was fully prepared to be ticketed. My streak had to end at some point. But hark! What is this? The process will be quick you say? Just a safety issue for me you say? Why yes Officer you CAN have my license, registration, and proof of...oh gosh where is my proof of insurance?! I know it is in here!!!
Luckily the officer was kind enough to go to his squad car and start looking at my stuff so I can throw dignity out of the window and tear my car apart. Suddenly a familiar glimpse of yellow catches my eye and SHAZAM insurance proofage!! Now what? Do I sit and wait? Do I wave him over? Oh thank goodness he is coming to me!
I proudly handed the proof over and while casually inspecting it he asks me two of the oddest questions I have ever been asked.
1. Have you ever been arrested?
2.Do you have a work release in the state of Nevada?

O_o ...what the la hell?
My confused face must of clued him in to the big fat answer of a NO that would have been because he handed me my stuff and than let me go. I made it home a little more tired than usual and still in need of a killer foot and back rub, but ever so thankful that Officers always seem to be almost incapable of giving me a ticket. I have been pulled over four times now and not once have I gotten a ticket and each time I have been pulled over has been for a different reason.

Luck of the Irish I guess....well if I was Irish anyways. I am thankful though that he took the time to pull me over. I know people rag on Cops a lot, but I can understand that they have a job to do. Sure yeah it was a busted light, but hey he didn't ticket me and just wanted to inform me that it was out....aside from the weird above mentioned questions it was an overall pleasant exchange. Don't hate on cops people, they are doing the job you yourself aren't.

23 Years of Awesome

Yesterday (technically speaking) was my birthday. If you read the title you know how old I am. Congratulations!

I didn't do much, but the day was eventful. My family and I celebrated with cake (pictured) and they also gave me a star wars card with a $25 Starbucks gift card!! Woot woot!!! It was nice to be able to have time with them today. I slept most of it since unsurprisingly I am sick and feeling awful.

I met with President Dalley today and discussed somethings that needed to be discussed. Needless to say it was an enlightening meeting and I am on working on becoming a better person. He did tell me that if Abe and I aren't going to be serious while he is gone than I shouldn't hole myself up waiting on something that might not happen. :/ I get it, I do. I just don't want to think that I need to be out there dating. No one was really asking anyways...I'm not settling either. I guess I am just learning how to go with the flow and how to do my own thing. May have taken me awhile but I have finally managed to get to this point.

Today Barbara and I are getting her Bridal Shower decorations and than later some friends and I are going to Samurai 21 for Hibachi food to celebrate my birthday. I'm excited although I got more "maybe"s than actual "yes" so who knows who all is going?! I didn't have that many people congratulate me on fb which is totally cool in my book! People who wished me well today made me so happy for remembering. I even got serenaded at Branch Prayer and it almost made me cry. I didn't think that many people actually knew or even liked me enough to do that.

This past year has changed me a lot in ways I could never have imagined. I was so busy trying to figure out my life and where my relationship with robert was going and working for peanuts that I let myself slip away from me. I forgot what makes me happy. Even now I am trying to work on myself and do something for myself, but I have come so far from who I was that it is nothing short of miraculous.

The most important change has been in my life spiritually. Despite my human tendencies and failings, I have grown even stronger in my faith. I have learned to trust Heavenly Father and to lean on Him. Letting Him take the wheel and steer me down the road I am supposed to take. It has brought me to an understanding of myself and others that still may confuse me at times, but it is ever increasingly bringing me to that "AHA!" Moment of enlightenment.

Here's to this next year. May it be as ever progressing as always.

Moving forward

So here I am at 3:30 am starting this blog post when I should be sleeping. I will admit to being tired, but I just wanted to do a quickie update (well maybe slow) and fill y'all in (since I have discovered a few people actually read this...surprise!) on this week.

Work is volatile again, but luckily for me I am not the target of the petty high school drama that is going on. I will not divulge any details, but I will say I have done a small part to try and help those caught in that icky mess. I have my fingers crossed for them and I hope things look up. Also we got an 800 number call and the guy totally blasted my boss on it but praised two other managers. That isn't the first drama I mentioned, but I was shocked that it happened as it did. I feel bad for my boss, but I also feel kinda bad for the other managers mentioned. :/ tis no bueno all around.

I finally finished Barbara's Bridal Shower invites and once the stupid computer gets fixed I can print them and send them off..well that's if she ever gets me the addresses I need! I want to send them Wednesday next week at the latest so I need them asap!!! We also have to get (or possibly make) her veil and I have to finalize the shower and the bachelorette party details. SO LITTLE TIME SO MUCH TO DO!!!!!!

I am going to Salt Lake this weekend for a visitation and some other things!!! I will be leaving Saturday evening and coming back tuesday morning. I am so excited and absolutely can not wait to see everyone! This means photos and memory making!!!! I am taking this opportunity to visit them because for my birthday I am visiting family in California. Yes, I am doing a lot of visiting. There is a valid reason, so quit looking at me like that!!

Sadly today was SUPPOSED to be the day I got either a Green KCCO or a BFM, but alas theChivery crashed and when Erica finally got through they were sold out in my size!!! WAAAAAAH!!! I so greatly wanted one (or both) as a birthday present. I'm going to be cool thougn and not complain outside of this post. I congratulate whoever managed to get one. Chive On good Ladies and Gentlemen!

Welp...i'm beat. Night all!! Or morning if you want to be technical!

Greatness occurring....

Life has suddenly become this busy and fast whirlwind of awesome for me.

Barbara is getting married next month.
Colton in Tennessee.
Abe leaving in a few weeks for Basic.
I'm training for the Color Me Rad 5k in November AND I have another really big life event beginning to occur that I am not quite ready to divulge yet, but will be really soon.

I have been mind-numbingly happy and motivated like none other in just the past day and I know it is only going up from here! It let's me know that I am finally(again) on the right path. It's now or never and I am choosing now! It has been so amazingly life changing.
I went through a period of just being so absolutely clueless with what to do with myself and now it's like "Alright! Let's get to it!" It is hard not to be down on yourself when you feel like you are just kind of aimlessly wandering through life you know? Sunday was this hugely massive turning point for me.

Elder Holland gave such an inspiring and wonderful talk on Sunday that super charged my already amped up batteries. Here are some of the major points that stood out to me:
1. True disciples of Christ never check their religion at the door. We must continually live the gospel and live what we believe.
2.We have to wish to be strong. One can not simply gain strength overnight. We must want it in order to have the will to acheive it.
3.The church will not and can not dumb down it's doctrine for what is deemed "socially/politically" correct.
4. NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO IGNORE GOD.
5.We must help when and where we can no matter the situation. Nothing something is better than doing nothing.
6.Live the gospel big and small at all times, in all things, in all places, in the hopes of being caught in the act when the Savior comes.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Smive it all

Tonight/Today's post is just going to be more of a ramble on of updateness and random tangents...more than usual.

First I have two things to share.
1.Sea Turtles can breathe out of their butts
2.Smive was the "f" bomb of the olden days. Classy no? I have decided to use it. Bringing it back!

I cried yesterday....well Monday nightish...I logged onto facebook and there Isee photos of my cousin (whom I LURVE) and her college adventures (moving in and whatnot) and lo/behold there is MY father (hers passed) helping cart her stuff to the dorm. Now this would be a total "AAW" moment to you uninformed, but it wad a total "Really." moment for me. My cousin is really like my second cousin's kid...meaning hed dad and my dad were cousins. My dad also dated her mom before she and Uncle Danny hooked up...yeah...we keep things close in the family...anyways since Danny died my dad has essentially been playing dad to my cousins (there are three in that family) and whilw it is nice, it is really not his place.
especially when he has three children whom he really.doesn't do much for. Sure I'm on his insurance, but you don't see him doing much else. The man can never seem to "help out" whether it is financially or whatever, but he has plenty of money and time for them.

Thanks Dad, have fun with your new family...hope your wife doesn't mind.

Also my best friend Colton (Yes THAT Colton) is moving to Tennessee in about...oh idk 6 hours or so. Yeah randomly called up and was like "Hey I'm moving" and I naturally went "Say what?" Lucky him got a job hook up out there and his brother is giving him time off for Barbara's wedding next month! Yay!!!! Time sure is flying with that! Oh!!!! She and Aaron got a truck, as in some BAMF gave them a truck as a wedding gift. Who the what?! I need to get married.

I learned eating nutella is delicious, but you can get sugar headaches from eating it straight. Also I can run for two minutes straight. Watch out!! Still working on the whole 5k thing so MY PLAN is interval running so far. I know I might not succeed in straigt running it, but I will run the majority if it kills me...which it probably will. Did you know that you don't blink normally when you are on the computer or if you are reading? Yeah weird huh?

Ok my eyes hurt and I am ready for bed methinks.

What happened Society?

I have started to realize (by talking with people from whole other countries) that America seems to have the market cornered of being douches. Not just to those who(seemingly) "rank lower" than oneself, but even to those who are "higher" on the food chain! Now I know it isn't just an American thing, but honestly one can not look around our country and think that all is well. We idolize reality tv stars of "Jersey Shore" and "16 & pregnant" fame. Honestly people?! When the amount of money in one's bank account is more important than the amount of integrity in one's character, society has truly collapsed.

Some say we are only beginning the downgrade, but if you look back far enough you can see we are at the climax of it. We became so concerned with trying to make everyone happy, to speak for the underdog, that we neglected to realize the very basic rights of everyone else. Children nowadays have no problem acting out, being disrespectfuk, stealing, doing things in general that would have gotten the crap beayen out of them 20 years ago. When did felony become acceptable? When did having children outside of marriage, cohabitation, and general immorality become the "cool" thing to do?

Yes, as I have expressed on here before, I have had sex. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret that it wasn't done after marriage. I regret that I settled for something out of hopes that it would eventually lead down that matrimonial path. I regret that I cause Heavenly Father and myself pain by ignoring His wishes for us to wait. I don't regret the lessons I learned though. I don't regret learning to trust and becoming closer to Heavenly Father.

In all my experience I have never thought that immoral actions and behaviors were the "cool" way to make and keep friends. I've never been inclined to act like these half retarded people running around, I have always known that I would have to work for what I want out of life, that I would have to work to achieve happiness. I have never expected people to hand everything over to me simply because I felt entitled to it. Sure I have thought "Why can't I have that?" But right after I try to plan out how to earn it, rather than bullying them into giving me what they have rightfully earned.
...that people is called laziness.

I don't know how I can change the world around me. Voices of reason tend to be shut down fairly quickly nowadays, but mark my words I will try! It pains me to see the moral decline of an entire people. It makes me want to cry at night knowing tomorrow I will have to wake to deal with another never ending parade of stupidity. People constantly talk about reform but they never seem to reform the real problem. We don't need reform, we don't need change, what we need is a mother flipping revolution. Wipe the board clean and start over at the beginning!

I may be one voice, but that doesn't make it any less significant or any less powerful and one way or another I will be heard.

Mark my words, I will be heard.

The DEATH of Nadia

If the next few months don't kill me than I pretty much inherited the "Alvidrez Women Live Forever" gene.

Yes people I am going to be doing something that will be life endangering...well life as I currently know it. What is this thing you ask?

Training for a 5k.

Yes, that's right. RUNNING. If you are readong this, I am assuming you know me, and if you know me you know that I, Nadia, absolutely loather running with such a passion I have dedicated my almost 23 years of life to not running. In fact, I am a swimmer. Water based sport type of person, but this marathon has something that appeals to me....colors. Yep. Random people along the marathon route will be throwing colorful chalk or paint or whatever the substance is. Pretty colors (and chances of an asthma attack) are enough to make me hunt down my knee brace (found it!) and get up in the morning to run.

*le gasp* early morning running?! There is a pig flying somewhere I just know it. Additionally I have to really watch what I eat and can't drink anymore soda. :( I am going to die while getting healthy!!!!!!!!!

If you find me crying in front of a case of donuts in town, just please look the other way and pray for me. I am going to need all the help I can get!!

Wishing

Watch "Wishes - Superchic[k] Lyrics" on YouTube

Idk if it is just period talk right now (i unfortunately have been cursed.recently) but Superchic[k] totally is describing how I am feeling about some things...or a person. Either way this song is perfection.

Everyone's Cheerleader

So you know that person that everyone seems to go to when they need a "pick me up"? If you don't than you just might be that person. I am one of those people...which is fine really. I wouldn't be interested in becoming a psychologist if I didn't like hearing people go on and on about their problems. I LIKE giving advice.

My "problem" is that I seem to always give dating advice to guys, just to have them use it towards someone else. It rather stinks when said guy knows I happen to be interested in him. *sigh* I am such a doormat. At the activity tonight (swimming at Bro. Carson's) we were discussing who cooks and cleans in various relationships. Aaron will cook for Barbara if she cleans the dishes and a few other people had that arrangement. I realized that if I cooked Robert food, I cleaned the dishes too, and he cooked a few times too, but I always tried to help out. I just started laughing and was like "Well I guess I lucked out with that one!" and everyone else joined in with the laughing as I quietly died inside. I don't know why, but I just kind of feel like all I am good for is providing laughs for everyone I know. I mean all these people can come up with to describe me is "awesome"...what? You can't possibly have any other adjectives to describe me? I mean "awesome" gets so thrown around these days it almost means nothing anymore! BAH!

I've been realizing lately I am just kind of a bit of a mouse. I can talk and sass and all that jazz, but in reality I am this scared little girl afraid of disturbing the lives of those around me by doing what I really want to do. Instead I sit quietly and just smile and pretend all is well when I would rather just burst out and vent my frustrations with the people frustrating me. I just want to rant and rave and beat people all the time, but I know that socially and legally it is unacceptable. I am so angry just all the time and the rest of the time I am too tired to care anymore. My blog is probably about the only place where I don't hold anything back...that and the empty house when I am home alone. I just start rambling to no one, letting it all out. I should get some help probably or just listen to my music more. That's about the only time I don't even think. I just listen and drift away, melt into the melodies and harmonies of various genres and artists and for that short while no bothers are given.

Tis Paradise.

On that note I am looking for a new job. I am trying to find one that will get me one foot in the door so to speak in the psychological world. One I am currently hoping I get is a Basic Skills Trainer (ABA) and it is in Vegas, but they pay is good and it helps me utilize the skills I am learning at school. I even applied to help tutor a 5 year old with Autism. I don't know for sure yet about that job, but I will be learning more about it. I am trying to create progress in my life, to branch out and take chances. It is a relatively big step for me that is a bit frightening. I am doing something I want to do and I am trying hard to not think about what other's will think....of course I asked my mom's opinion on the job, but hey sometimes a girl needs her mommy and lately I haven't trusted my own thinking so I needed to make sure it was a rational though. My mom is good at saying whether it is or not.

So there :P

What did I ever do?

I have a dilemma people. One that I do not like having and one that I am absolutely and positively sure that I shouldn't even have in the first place. It is complicated and confusing to explain, but to put it simply.

...I have people who hate me.

*le gasp* Say it isn't so! I wish I could say the opposite friends, but unfortunately I can not. For reasons I will never truly understand I have at least three people on this planet who have hated me for quite sometime, possibly for as long as they have known me....which is basically almost my whole life. Some of you may know who I am talking about and for those who don't let me fill you in.

My parents divorced when I was almost two...they both remarried before than, but hey l'amour is l'amour. The mother unit is still happily married to her second and he is one awesome dude if you don't mind me saying....but the father unit...well...he is on his third marriage. But we aren't discussing wife number three tonight. No, we are going down the road to the past, all the way to wife number two....the woman who played "mom" for most of my childhood, and her two daughters who up until I moved into my mom's house were my sisters. Of course I never really got along with one of them, but she is pretty much a villian so not that much of a loss there.

There are many many MANY fond memories of my childhood that include the above mentioned haters. I mean, through every storm there is the eventual ray of sunshine right? They were FAMILY to me....but for some reason that I have never been able to understand, it just wasn't the same for them. I honestly have come to  believe that Zabrina never loved me as her own, never saw me as a child or something to love. All that woman ever did was emotionally terrorize me to the point where I still struggle with the effects of it today. I am not scared of her as I once was, I have seen her (from a few feet) since the divorce and I didn't feel anything other than pity for her. I have long ago stopped hating her for the years of abuse and have forgiven her for it. What plagues me is the "why" of it all. I never did anything to her, but for years I was always held responsible for any and all marital problems they had. I bear emotional and physical scars from that time and for reasons that I fear I will never know or understand.

The worst part of it all is that I have a brother that is a total stranger to me. I have made attempts to reach out to him, his sisters, and even his mother, just to be ignored or turned down. I even at one time had Zabrina straight up lie to my father saying I was threatening her and threatening his career and all this baloney. Yeah he called me all angry until I printed the e-mail I had sent and showed it to him. Who in their mother flipping right mind would do that?! This is the logic of the woman who "raised" me people.

I don't understand what I did or how I managed to earn her hate on such a level. I was barely two when we met. Perhaps she saw something she didn't like, I don't know, but what I do know is this. I will never give up, I will never back down, I will never let her win. My brother may be out of reach right now and under her influence, but I will always be here waiting and hoping that one day he will be willing to get to know me again.

A trap most foul...

Scene:The front entry way of my house. Late evening, with a slight breeze in the air. A lone figure trudges up the walkway, purse in hand, after a closing shift at work. Little does our heroine know there is foulplay afoot.

ACTION!

Walking up to the door after getting home from work I happened to notice a thin line floating prettily in the air, reflecting the blue lights on our porch. My body instantly springs into a defensive ninja pose as the horror of what that strand is dawns on me. SPIDER WEB!
*le gasp*
My arms flail wildly as I look around panicked, searching for a sign of it's creator. Stealthily I peer upwards, my eyes filling with terror at the sight of the massive web mere inches from my head. I knew it could only have been the work of either one very large arachnid specimen or a whole army of tiny ones (we all know the larger ones are rogues). Either way I saw the situation for what it truly was.

A trap.

My archnemesis, the arachnid, knew I would be coming home late and would be tired. The trap was set, but the prey was not as easily caught! I am hispanic and russian(on my father's side) mixed with german and pacific islander (good ole mum), a long line of people who know how to limbo...
Side note: I am well aware that the Limbo originates is Jamaica or somewhere carribean. I digress.

Swiftly, as to not even touch the web, I limboed my way under the foul trap and hastily reached for the door only to find it locked! "What in the blazes?" I think in my head as I try to remember the last time my parents had ever locked the door. All of a sudden it hit me like a scorned woman. THEY WERE IN ON IT!!! I stood momentarily frozen pondering the ever growing web of lies, drowning in a pool of deceit. When all hope seemed lost a lightbulb of "Eureka" illuminated my mind and my next move was clear. Still in limbo position I reached into my purse, fumbling and suddenly...

Hark! What is this? A key?

Quicker than I have ever moved before I unceremoniously shoved the key into the lock and after what seemed an eternity the door opened, releasing me from my predicament and into another as I had alerted the ever faithful, yet annoying Auzzie Pawzzie...a dog as frightening as his name. With a quick "¡Callate!" I sent him back to his sleeping spot and I threw the treats I had brought my family onto the counter, wondering if there were any more traps set for me.

I slowly trudged upstairs and upon entering my room I felt my body relax and the anxiety from before slip away.

That my friends is how I effectively avoided certain death. Goodnight.

Says it all

Get real, getting married before age 25 is not too young | Fox News

I am turning 23 this year, and while I am not on the route to the altar, I have friends who are or have already made it there while under the age of 25. The marriages were and are being entered with a full understanding that it takes work, that at times you are simply not going to like your spouse, but they also understand the sacredness of marriage, the happiness that can come from loving someone on that deep of a level.

When I get married, I won't be doing it because it's the next natural step. I will be getting married because I am on the same level as the guy emotionally, mentally, morally, and every other level imaginable. Mainly and most importantly I will be getting married because of the love we have for each other and the love and understanding we have of the gospel. I will be getying married for eternity. So what if I find my forever before I am 25? There are a lot of people who can get married young and make it. Why make all suffer for the irresponsibility of a few?

Who knew?

Today was a day of learning to rely on Heavenly Father. I had been struggling with confusion and frustrations with the dating world only to have President Leavitt reveal to me that I need not worry!! I seriously felt my heart race and a smile was permanently on my face. I feel an anticipation and a calm that is almost unheard of for me. I didn't even talk to the guy, but we.made eye contact throughout Branch Prayer and I am giving him a little bit longer to think things through.

Barbara and Aaron are getting married in October!!!!! I am her Maid of Honor and we are so busy planning everything! I just want to do a quick post and share some random facts.

I can take the sacrament again.
I have a calling to update the branch bulletin board.
Aced my work management course.

There is more, but I am too lazy to write it.

Boiling HOT

Just a quick note....it is not fun to work when outside is triple digit weather and the air conditioning isn't working. Needless to say work has been rather rough lately because of it. We KCCO though and tough it out.

Positivity

Welp by the end of May I will be able to take the sacrament AND I may even have a calling!!!! It is really excited and I am so glad I went and spoke with President! He has been such a big help in all of this and a really big support to me. I see him as a father figure and that rarely happens in my life. The only other one is Papa Bischoff...so yeah. Things are going really good and have been looking up for me...in a way at least.

My car is working but is costing me 1795.22 and of course I can't pay it all at once, but thankfully the mechanic is being nice enough to work with me on payments. I am so grateful for that and for my car working finally...although I keep expecting it to break again! Old habits die hard I suppose.

I went up this week and visited The Bischoffs and even snuck in some Colton time...I neglected to bring my camera and I am rather disappointed in nyself for it. :( Jenny is almost ready for baby  numbah 2 and Olivia is so big now and quite the rascal! I got to spend time with Mama Bischoff and we got to talking. It was so nice to be there with them all again. I had gone up there for an interview and I am now waiting to see if I got the second interview. I think the first one went well and I have my fingers crossed. It would be an amazing opportunity for me and I would be able to get out of the valley! Being up in Provo made me regret ever leaving. Seriously I am going to move back asap because I know.it.is where.i belong.

I don't know, but something about it has always screamed "home" to me. With me being back in my anti-depressants I think I would be able to handle it this time. I have come a long ways from where I was and I know it is something I need to do. Wish me luck!!

Speaks to me

Watch "Maroon 5 - Payphone (Lyric Video) ft. Wiz Khalifa" on YouTube
Every year there is a song that comes out that defines how I feel and what I am going through. Most notably it comes out around summer (since that's when the shiz goes down in Nadia Land) and this year my anthem is the song posted above. There is language so be warned. The clean version hasn't come out yet, but it still defines my.life perfectly right now.

I have realized that I have a lot of anger, not so much because mu relationship ended, but because I spent so much time in a relationship that a part of me knew wasn't going to end in marriage. Now I am sitting around and I just feel like we can't come back from this.

Yesterday the branch played wiffle ball and Robert showed up and two seconds later he left and didn't even bother saying "bye". I know he probably went home or something since he had a phone call, but it irritated me that he coukdn't even be socialable with me for more than two seconds. On a side note I actually did fairly well with hitting the ball and such. So huzzah for my skills!!!!

Also I have a meeting with President on Sunday. I have a lot to talk with him about since our last meeting. Things I have discovered about.myself and just issues I am having in general. Overall though life is good!

Prospects

The past few weeks have been....enlightening.

Let me explain. Chase...well we kissed...it sent a shock to my system promptly telling me "Aw hell no girl!" and I ended up crying when I got home. Now before you think he is that bad of a kisser let me share that it was in fact a nice kiss (aside from tasting like pastrami and bubble gum). I just got this empty feeling inside when it happened and my past has taught me that shouldn't be ignored. So I let him know I just want to be friends and so far that has worked nicely....awkward but it will work itself out.

I also realized that things aren't going to change with Robert and I and I need to stop being hopeful that they will. It has been a month since we broke up and while we still interact flirtatiously I have realized that I actually do want to move on. What we had was great, but it wasn't perfect and we wanted different things. He taught me a lot about what love to me is and what I am willing to do for one I love. Now I know what to look for next time. I still have a lot of love for him, but I am not really in love with him in that way. I have been forced to look at how things were and I think while we would have had a nice life together, I would have come second to a lot of things. I selfishly want to be first pick you know?

That leads me to recent observations and problems (?) within my life. One of my friends came out to me (idk if I have said this already) and recently has found young love with an awesome guy that I can't wait to meet. Barbara and kenny broke up and she already is going on dates with just one guy (aaah yeah gurl!) and I keep joking with her telling her that they will be married by the end of the year. It's my duty as best friend ok? With all the heartache I have gone through I have viewed the above with a sort of disdain. I mean they could find a renewal of sorts almost right away whilst I am suffering alone (yes I am being dramatic) and wallowing in what was lost. The thought of "what is wrong with me?" and "what do they have that I don't?" has plagued my mind constantly.

That is until...I started to realize that I am worth it. That I am first pick. The guy just hasn't found me yet, or hasn't realized that I am here in front of him. I spend so much time trying to impress others and focusing on making myself appealing that I have lost what I used to love about myself....my lack of concern for other's opinions. I want a guy to love me (not just like) me as I am and a guy who can appreciate my uniqueness. I've embraced the fact that I am not like other girls and that is what makes me so dang special. I have realized what my friends have been telling me for years. I am awesome. I don't see the world normally and while at times it makes me bitter and jaded, it makes me refreshingly honest and in a way I see and appreciate the beauty of it all more than others do.

Now this isn't some shameless self promotion. I am 22 years old and I am barely realizing this all about me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I am not ashamed of all that I am and all that I have experienced. I am not ashamed to admit how I feel (which lately has been shite) and I am not afraid to put myself out there to be burned. This life is too short to wonder "what if" and to talk myself out of possibilities and prospects that may very well lead to happiness or the very least an important life lesson. On that note I want to share something. I have applied to jobs in California and Utah and whichever I hear from first is where I go. Honestly though I am finding I want to go back to Utah and settle there (at least for school).

I have heard back from one place and I hope I get the job. It would be more than I get paid now and the job would be a bit of an upgrade. I would get to live in the Provo area and be closer to friends that I have missed dearly. I am also getting a puppy and let me tell you....two months old and he already is HUGE!!!! Tank is a fitting name for him! My car finally got fixed and I am so grateful for it! I was dying without it! Another little secret. I think I may be crushing (if not heavily) on someone already. Worse thing is I think he knows since I basically told him he is worth it. Smooth move Alvidrez.

We will see what happens.

Really Trying

This past week my problems with depression have really caught up with me. I know I kind of was asking for it with putting off dealing with my grief andnot facing the sadness for more than a day, but honestly I don't think I could handle it all at once. Now I am paying for it though. I sleep like the dead and it doesn't matter how long I sleep...I NEED more and more sleep. I don't have insomnia anymore because it is so bad. I also have seen a return of my penchant for snacking.....ugh. Yeah I gained back the weight I lost and thankfully I haven't gained more than that! I don't even realize I am eating until more than half of what I am noming on is gone and than it's like "Might as well finish it."

I feel like such a heifer.

Today I saw Robert for the first time since the breakup and let me tell you it has not been fun. He was driving fast in order to look at these two girls in this audi on our way to Vegas and I was just like "Seriously?" It kind of really hurt. I mean yes we broke up, but for hell's sake man! It was only two weeks ago and after almost two years together I don't need or deserve to see you looking at others girls. Especially when they are like 8s and I am around a 6. Don't look at them in front of me. I don't want to know what you are interested in now. I don't want to know or even think about you with another girl. I mean you broke up with me because right now isn't a good time for you to have a relationship. You said you still loved me. Please act like it and respect that and I will respect you.

I probably had it coming though since I mentioned that Chase and I hung out. I didn't say anything about being interested or anything. Just said we have hung out and what not. Oh and speaking of Chase. We hung out last night I really enjoyed myself! I am going to admit that I am crushing a bit on him, but because of the above mentioned paragraph I am pretty positive that I may still be on the "not ready" list. But the fact that I was more annoyed than hurt is a good sign I think. Although yesterday I got asked when Robert and I are getting married and THAT almost made me cry. I had to explain that we broke up and they were going on and on about how cute we were and yada yada yada.

I wanted to punch something.

But I have been going out and having fun this week and I am looking forward to more fun times like getting my engine fixed (for reals), moving out, and getting my puppy!!!! I went to visit him on monday and HE IS SO FAT!!!!! I am thinking I am going to name him Tank, but I am coming up with a few more names, but Tank fits him. Linda told me that he learned how to climb out of the pen and was running around the yard by himself. Now she is waiting for the rest to figure it out since they will just watch him. My future dog is a genius and I couldn't be more proud! I am within the next month planning on moving out and I am also going to be enrolling in a massage therapy program. I am really excited about how life's pieces are falling into place!!!!!!!

Also I must note that I have been praying everyday at least twice a day and I have only missed one day of scripture reading. Spiritual BAMF!!! hahaha jk !

Endings and beginnings.

Robert and I broke up.

And onto other news....just kidding I won't leave anyone hanging. We split amicably, it is for the best and we are still friends. I still really love him, but its that wjole "if you love them let them go thing" you know? He has things he needs to do and to workout and honestly I am figuring out that I am in the same boat. If we end up back together it won't be for awhile, but who knows what will happen? This life constantly changes, so who knows where the wind will blow us.

I met with President and we discussed my drinking and other descretions. It felt really good to talk to him and to be open about it. Verdict isn't too bad and I am in the repentance process right now. We discussed the option of a mission and that door won't be opened for about year, but that is perfect to give me time to think about it and/ or prepare for one if I so choose to. So far I have decided to work towards it and see where the road leads me. I am confident in that decision and honestly it feels really amazing! Like I finally am on the correct path. Sure I took a detour (an amazing one) but I am back on course.

I have come up with a plan to be debt free.in the next couple of months. It is pretty.much going to be miserable for a bit, but once that debt is gone it is gonna be pretty banging. I'm taking care of my car first though so there is that, but yeah once the valve is fixed I am giving myself 150 of each check for gas and the rest is for bills. I realized I waste money on stupid things and have decided no more...after hunger games tomorrow of course. No way I am missing that!!! But after that I ain't spending anything! I could put all the unnecessary spending into savings and save most of the money for a mission just by not spending!

I really can't wait!!

What a night

So tonight I get to spend all night doing about four months of work before work at 8 am tomorrow. I  am going to succeed whether it kills me or not, but I wanted to post something before doing the workload of death for a management course.
The picture was taken this past su.day at around 4 am. Yes the cat is asleep. Like a boss he owns the hallway at night successfully blocking both the door to my room and my brother's room making bathroom trips perilous.

Also I wanted to add that my mad dash of work is not my fault. I was told a new system would not require the book work and all of a sudden it does. FML...but I am gonna KCCO and show this course who's boss!!

KCCO

The picture says it all.

Ugh!!!!

Times is crazy frustrating! I am facing aoment in my relationship where we either end up progressing to the next level (wedding bells anyone?) Or flat out breaking up. On top of that my weight loss has been difficult and I am awaiting Aunt Flo....hoping she.comes this month.

My car engine is gonna get replaced so there is a plus side and work is going pretty good. I have decided to take massage therapy classes at CSN and become a Licensed Massage Therapist. It will be a better job and will be convenient for going to school and possibly moving out of the Valley.

I am hoping to do so and soon....i want a puppy that one of my coworker's dog gave birth to.

Sorry for the random spatterings of my thoughts. The wind is blowing crazy and my mind has left with it.

Two different ideas

So Robert and I had a discussion about our hypothetical wedding (no real marriage talk yet but it's progress right?) and I am slightly alarmed at how different we want things. See for my wedding I have always wanted the reception to be bold and colorful with flowers and candles and just fantastically me. Robert wants beige linens, one flower/feather in a white vase, and just minimal boldness. That's just the reception. The ceremony thankfully we can agree we want a beach wedding. Unfortunately he wants just our parents, siblings, and a couple other people...which would be ideal except that would piss quite a few people I care about off.

I know it's our wedding and all, but I kind of have always pictured my cousins (all 9 of them) and my various uncles and aunts to be there. Don't forget my grandparents either. We are a close bunch. Imperfect but close. To not have them at the ceremony would be....catastrophic to say the least. And if they end up being okay with just going to the reception and it is....well only what he wants? They are definitely going to speak up. My mom and I discussed what he and I had talked about and all she could say was "What's wrong with him?"

I just worry that if we do actually get engaged that this wedding will just be his idea. I love him, but he wasn't really willing to compromise on things...he even was trying to say what I should do for bridesmaids (as far as bouquets go)!! The STRICTLY bride section and he was tearing down my ideas. What the hell? I think he could tell I was not happy with how that discussion went. We only agreed on a live band over a dj and I really could care less what I eat that day (he said steak, baked potato, and salad), and we agreed the cutlery and dishes had to be nice.

What is a girl to do when the guy wants the opposite of what she wants? I am not opposed to him being involved, but what I don't like is his not being really all too open to my input. Compromise is supposed to go two ways, and be equal. Hopefully his need to control this isn't reflective of how he really is because up until now I didn't really think he was the controlling type.

*sigh* who knew that simple discussion would open a can of worms?

Distorted Reality

Taken at Valley Of Fire

Lately my mind has had  twisted and distorted sense of reality. I feel as if I am trapped in the above photo, not really knowing which way is really up. Yes I can see the sky, but how do I get there?

I guess the reason for this is my not knowing what to do with myself. I feel stuck. I feel like I am not going anywhere. I feel unhappy. I don't want to feel like this. I know a lot of my posts focus on my relationship. Yes, it gets boring. My only reason for my fixation is that I have nothing else to really focus on. I reflect a lot on myself and my relationship and I tend to post my findings here. Sad for those of you who are reading this hoping to gain insight into my day to day, but entertaining to those of you who are interested in some anonymous person's life.

I find myself lately thinking "You know it wouldn't be so mad to be a Married Mormon Mommy (MMM)." I have never in any way thought less of my friends who are married and have children. In fact I look upon their lives with a bit of jealousy. They who have managed to achieve the very thing I have been wanting. I want to get married and spawn children. I want to have that companionship and to marry my best friend. I don't want to quickie rush to marriage though, but the rest I will take. I have never sugar coated the fact that I am a hopeless romantic with cynical tendencies, but I am well aware that it would take someone uniquely special to fall in love with me enough to want to spend forever with me.

I worry sometimes that it won't happen. I understand that I am only 22 (23 in september!) and that I have my whole life ahead of me. But what if I don't plan on solving world hunger? What if what I want to do is raise a family and live a full and rich life? Yes I can have experiences after marriage and child birth. I plan on traveling and one day I want to go to Ireland/Scotland. But as of right now I have nothing happening. Nothing changing. I know you are supposed to love the life you are given, but I want and need something to change. Otherwise I will end up just blindly moving along in the world, with no realy ambitions.

MagnaQuartz

The beautiful set of jewlery that I have photographed is HANDMADE and from the MagnaQuartz company. They make these incredible pieces with quartz (duh), semi-precious stones like jade, turqouis, and others, and also with magnets and lovely decorative beads.

I got mine today and was pleasantly surprised at how fitting and comfortable to wear each piece is. They are made of everyday wear so naturally they would be comfortable. I won't go into specific details here about the benefits, because I have yet to wear them for more than a minute, but from what other wearers have said, there is more energy, less pain (headaches and such), and for some people their depression symptoms are alleviated.

The brains behind this is a dear frienf of mine named Joy Bischoff. She has studied the benefits of wearing this system and has incorporated NASA radiation technology (think copper) into a system for people to wear. Now people may have forgotten about what happened in Japan with Fukushima and the nuclear meltdowns, but they shouldn't have. It's worse than Chernobyl and we are being still affected by it. This system helps strengthen the bodies natural ability to heal itself and helps create a force field of sorts against harmful elements, such as radiation.

If you are skeptical about it, look at it this way. You get bangin original pieces of jewelry to wear at an affordable price. They also sell home systems (also handmade) if you are looking for something to help against the radiation but don't want to wear jewelry. What could be wrong with buying home decoration and/or jewlery? Even if I have poorly managed to advertise for the company just check out their site and see what it is really about. I promis the folks over at MagnaQuartz do a better job of explaining than I do AND they are quick to respond to any inquiries and orders. Everything is personal and I promise they don't bite! Also I am not receiving any comoensation for this plug.

I already have my goodies!

http://www.magnaquartz.com

Coming to Conclusions

I am coming to the conclusion that I need to just go with the flow of life. I am actually comfortable with where I am at, but I know I need to change some things. I am seriously contemplating going to the Nevada School of Massage Therapy and going through the full-time track. I could get a job in a spa at a hotel and have my own business. I am tired of working at McDonald's and being so....tired of life.

The conclusions about those I have as friends, and those I have kept at a distance has changed as well. I am changing many things about my persepctive. Today is a short post, but it is a mark on my ever progressing journey through life.

Making My Mark

My biggest fear in life is leaving this earth without making my mark upon it. I want to accomplish something, anything that changes this world for the better. I want to die knowing that somehow I created a better place for those I left behind. It is a big reason why I don't know what to do as far as school goes. I haven't figured out that something and I don't know what direction to take my studies. For now I am simply going to get my general education degree and than go from there once I figure it all out. Of course this sets me back as far as progressing towards a career that will get me out of fast food, but hell it is better than spending a ton of money in school and not putting any of what I learn to use.

Maybe with my working on my book(s) I will get lucky and get published....that would be the day right? My original life goal completed! Growing up I wanted to be a writer and have always felt passionately about it. I have WORLDS in my head. Different stories and characters that live and breathe and are a part of me, just waiting for me to bring them to life and share them with others. I was told though from an early age that writing would get me nowhere in life. Do you know how depressing that is? Well Screw off people I am still going to try and one day when you read my books and eagerly wait for the next one I will sit back smiling, knowing that deep down you never expected that from me.

I may from time to time post sections from different stories, or character profiles on here. I am not looking to beat out or replace any stories or books that have come previously before me, but to be able to reside on the same shelf with them. I suppose that is how I will make my mark on the world. Sharing my creativity and passion for these stories with all you lovely people.

Random Nadia Facts

I would love to work in the wedding industry one day. Planning weddings and pulling them together is something I have always had an interest in. I don't know what it is abouy them, but good golly they are amazing!!!

I abhor Hummers and Priuses (?). Those cars are abominations in the auto industry. Hummer drivers are buttholes and Prius drivers are environmental buttholes. Seriously people who drive either of those cars can be so nice but once they get in it's like this whole other person drives it. Also they are so poorly made, that they fall apart in an accident while another car would just have a minor scratch. Plastic engines are shit. End. Of. Story.

If you can't tell by previous posts, I am a romantic. I can be a cynic at times, but generally I romanticize EVERYTHING. I am not really gooey about it, but I can greatly appreciate a really fantastically romantic move. In fact I tend to help others plan fantastical romantic gestures, like gestures so epic they belong in movies type of fantastical. I believe everyone deserves romance and love no matter what!

About 90% of what I think remains in my mind. I fear one day everyone will be able to know what I really think and their whole opinion of me will change. There are only a couple of people I am straight up open with and thankfully they haven't run...yet.

If I talk to you, and go out of my way to say something to you, or even better if I engage.physical contact with you that means I on some level respect and accept you. If you touch me and I seem awkward around you that means either the jury is still out on how I feel a vb out you, or I don't really like you but don't want to hurt your feelings. If I don't even aknowledge you that means I really can't stand you or I simply haven't met you yet.

I am ALWAYS in a fantasy world in my mind. If you see me talking to myself from a distance, it is most likely me trying out dialogue for a book idea. Don't ask me abouy it because I most likely am not ready to share it.

I am my own worst critic. Seriously I don't like anything I produce or just do in general even if the general populace loves it. If you try to tell me otherwise I will accept your opinion, but it hardly ever changes mine. I'm probably the mosy insecure person my friends know, but without them even knowing that about me.

This one might be a shock to most who know me, but at times (not all the time) I question whether God exists...well not really that. It is more like whether religion is necessary. I know there is a God and I know He (or she?) loves us, but sometimes I wonder if we overestimate what we must do in order to receive that love. Maybe living at home has rubbed off on me or maybe not going to church is finally taking its toll, but lately I have questioned the validity of the LDS church. I don't deny the good it does, but I feel an irritation at the way I am treated sometimes because I work during church.

I will at least one random facts post a week so look forward to that. More adventures are on their way!

BIKE THIEF!!!!

Someone here in my small town STOLE my mother effin bike...bitches be crazy.

You better believe I filed a police report and I have done the obligatory facebook shoutout with photos and descriptions of the bike. All within 30 minutes if realizing it was missing.

At first I thought my parents had moved it or something since we had rain this week, but imagine my surprise when neither of them had seen it either! Let's just say I went into full "those fuckers stole my bike!" mode and I got a police officer over to fill a report and informed everyone of my stolen bike. Small town like this means someone is bound to see it or find it.

My only hope is that whoever stole it gets a raw deal out of this whole thing. You don't mess with an Alvidrez, you asshole! We know how to get shit done.

As a side note I do apologize for my language. It's been a long week. I know it is no excuse but I don't really care. Also tonight I got to go to dinner with my siblings (minus Erica) and Robert. Is was really nice and the perfect pick-me-up.

Those Damn Coners

If you have been around me for the past few months you will know my vendetta against those who participate in coning. If you don't know what coning is let me explain. Someone (usually a sweaty teenage boy) will go to McDonald's and pay 96¢ just to grab the ice cream part and drive off leaving the workers confused and mainly pissed off. They for some reason have gotten the idea that it is okay and even hilarious.

Let me just say right now it is not funny and will never be. First off who the hell is going to ever think it is alright to disrespect another human being like that? News flash, fast food workers have feelings too! We don't find it funny at all and we actually get really pissed when it happens.

Case in point we have actually banned someone from our store because they were continually coning us. I overheard the young lady talking about it and actually COMPLAINING about how we won't accept her business anymore. Her exact words were "I paid for it, I should be able to do what I want with it." I just about walked over and gave her a what for. That is like saying since you bought a carton of eggs you should be able to throw them at the grocery store you bought them from.

It really gets my goat because this all just boils down to a severe lack of respect for those deemed "beneath" those who are doing the coning. Parents are okay with their children doing this...they lend them the cars or even laugh about it with the child! I don't know about you all, but if I had pulled that crap when I was younger my parents would have been so angry with me. How has society fallen so far? How can parents allow their children to treat others in such a way? Yes, working at McDonald's isn't the most appealling job, but for most of us who work there it is our way of making ends meet. I am a college student and working to pay for school. Mommy and Daddy aren't paying my way. In this economy a job is a job, but what makes it so hard sometimes is how people treat us. Coning is just the tip of the iceberg, but that will be saved for another post.

The world is most certainly a sad place when behaviors like coning are not only accepted but encouraged.

The Scandal!

So this coming tuesday I may end up causing quite a stir at work. Hopefully though it turns out not so...confrontational. I am ready to move on from my current situation and am ready to get my big girl pants on. I know I have gotten as far as I can with my current situation and I am trying to do my best, but I need a challenge. I need a change. It is getting too.....boring. Too routine for me. I live my job, but things has gotta change up and fast.

Today I got a phone call that may very well change everything. I want so bad for a new means to live. I have even been contemplating attending an online school to get a degree or attend a cosmetology school or massage therapy to quickly get a new job to work through school. I am hoping this new enterprise makes things easier to attend church and just live life.

Overall though things are going very well.

Needing Progress

I need a change. It's been building for a bit, but I need it. Barbara and I are discussing moving out and we are looking at places to move in together here in town. Hopefully it all works out and we can find something that will be just great for the two of us. I know we need to move out of our parents' houses and be somewhere we can both grow apart from their judgements. There is a lot we need to workout about ourselves and away from the influences from others. We can share a living space without being a nuisance to each other in that aspect. It would be nice to be in a place with privacy to do homework and spend time with Robert. I miss the days of living in the trailer. We had plenty of alone time.

Speaking of Robert....I find myself wanting progress in that area as well. I love that man, but we are in this kind of a stalemate. Our lives have gotten so seperately busy we hardly see each other in person. Maybe a couple times a week if lucky. Thankfully with school I will get to see him on the ride there and back, but still I miss him. I wish there was a lot more we could do in our relationship. There should be some progress soon. We have been dating for almost two years. That is a long time to be involved as we are without moving forward somehow.

School is moving forward nicely which is great!!!! I can't wait to figure out a new career and soon because I don't wanna be where I am for very much longer. I am patient though so I am not rushing into anything.

Life is good though. So no major complaints.

P90x Day 2

Instead of doing Plyometrics, we did the Cardio X DVD which proved to be just as tiring as plyometrics!!! All that moving and grooving had me sweating and in pain, but hey that's just part of the whole package correct?!

I was able to last the whole time and was able to push myself to complete it at a relatively close to what they were doing pace. Which is impressive for one 70 lbs overweight!!!

I am really excited about this all and I am looking forward to this Friday's weigh in!!! Robert even asked if I had started it and asked how I was doing. Love the support he is giving and I think we are both excited for the results ;)

P90x Day One

Yesterday Barbara and I restarted the P90x program. It was the Shoulders and Arms DVD and let me tell you it was fantastic. I was kind of wimpy and started out with 5lb weights, but I am going to ramp them up just a bit as time goes on.

I am hoping to lose weight and get into shape, not necessarily build muscle. I am also going to supplement the workouts with my new vegetarian diet (I will occasionally eat chicken or fish) and with walking or riding my bike. I'm most likely going to be in pain for awhile, but it is going to be worth it.

I weigh 210 lbs right now (I have gained weight this past week) and my goal is to be down to 140 lbs. That's 70 lbs. I know I am not going to lose it all, but even if I get down to 160 that will be great!!!

To track progress I am going to post reviews of the excercise and even photos. I figure it will be a good way to ensure I actually stick with it!

As for now though all I can say is my shoulders feel great! I was surprised I could do all the reps and managed to keep up nicely with the video. Yay me!!!

I Struggle.

There is a lot of confusion in my life right now in regards to my spirituality and my place in this world. While I am not trying to figure it all out at once, I am really confused about my purpose and what I want to do with my life. I struggle most with my faith and where I stand as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). If you have read my blog you can pretty much document this ongoing and conflicting struggle between my faith and the rest of my person. I believe the church is true. I love the feeling I get when I read from the scriptures and when I am learning from the Bible and the B.O.M. Every time I am able to attend church or institute I am happy and filled with this peace, but I can't really stand a lot of the people I go with.

I know it is where I currently am that is the problem and not so much the church itself, but it is often hard to remember that outside of this valley members are actually pretty decent. Of course I am not perfect and I try not to come across that way. Heavenly Father is well aware of my faults and I am very well aware of them as well. The fact that I have acknowledged on this blog (and recently) that I have broken several commandments and own up to it is I think a big step; but my goal in sharing that isn't some weird way of repenting. I just have this odd open door policy with this blog. I know what I have done isn't the greatest, but what I struggle with is the fact that I don't neccessarily feel guilty about it. I do regret drinking since I have yet to have that great of an end to those evenings, but the going and doing isn't what I would take back...just the quantity.

Reading this I suppose I would be considered a Jack Mormon (as much as I detest that word). If I was a Molly I would probably faint in shock from reading this, but luckily I am jaded enough to not be shocked with my behavior. I take responsibility for my actions and I do not blane any specific person or people for my going inactive. I am trying to stay afloat and lately have been taking steps to get slightly more involved. I have been a member for four years and in that time I have hit some spiritual highs and deep deep lows. All through it though I have kept a testimony. To some that may not mean anything, but to me it means the world.

I am doing what I can and that is all that matters right now. Baby steps. Small baby steps, but steps nevertheless.

Oh those Nights!

This photo is now the wallpaper on my tablet. Partially because let's face it that guy (Mias is his name) is HAWT for a cartoon and I also have left it as a reminder that I do random shit while drunk. Hopefully I can remember to turn my tablet off BEFORE going out in order to avoid any other shenanigans.

I guess with this post another cat is out of the bag. I have gone out with coworkers a couple times now to one of the local bars. This last time I had a total of 6 drinks...well one drink 5 shots, but to be completely honest I do not believe I was that completely drunk since I remember EVERYTHING and managed to not be hungover the next day. Of course I did throw up, but that was the combination of a hot dog and jalapeno cheese bread I had consumed.

This new year is kind of showing me different aspects of myself that I didn't really know existed. It is both exciting and terrifying.

The Suspense!

I am officially a week late for my period. Today I did the math and if I go off when I last boogied I would be around 6 weeks. Early enough for no symptoms, but the test I took was negative. I talked to the girls at work who have had kids and they said it was around 8 weeks or so that they started feeling icky. Idk what to think or do. If by wednesday I haven't started my period I will take another test, but if that comes back negative or even positive I am hauling my butt to the doctor and getting my blood checked out!

I need to get work done for my meds anyways so it will be killing two birds with one stone right? I am trying not to spaz out here but the suspense is killing me!  I am going to write a different post spelling out exactly the conflict that is going on right now within me. But for now I am content to say that paranoia is settling in.

Relief

Well the big event came and went and that blessed little pink line showed up alone. Still no sign of my missing friend, but at least I know that for now it is a negative. Of course if in a few days I have yet to receive my visit we will find ourselves fretting again.

For now though all I can feel is relief.

Hello In There

On Tuesday evening I realized that I was late for my period by about 3 days...two days later and still no sign of Aunt Flo. I don't know what to think really, but I have had this nagging feeling all day. Luckily for me I have a really good friend named Barbara who is kind enough to help me out through this. We are going to make the trek to Mesquite to buy a HPT to see if there is anyone growing inside my womb. It is kinda...yeah.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't balls to the wall scared right now. Not so much about everyone knowing Robert and I have had sex, but more of the fact that I could be actually creating life within me. I mean seriously every bad food or drink choice this past month is now flooding into my mind and on top of that my anti-depressants run the risk of birth defects! it has been just over a month since we last did the deed and I don't have any other symptoms other than my missing friend, but to the girl who is regular like clockwork every month, being five days late is cause for major alarm!! Needless to say I have been reading all sorts of articles and trying to tell myself that I couldn't possibly be pregnant.
Naturally I will be posting the findings later today since I have a "no secrets" policy with you my blog followers. I do ask though that if you are reading this that you don't judge me for any of this. I may be scared, but in a way I am strangely calm about all of this. Yes it would be an "oops" baby, but I will still love the little crumb snatcher with all I can give. Hopefully whatever the outcome, life will continue to be as blessed as it has been lately.

2012

This new year I have not made any resolutions except to keep going down the path that I am already traveling. My life is good and I am in a happy place. I am growing up and learning the lessons I need to learn. I used to think I knew it all and I could do it all, but I am learning what is important and how to get my priorities straight.
Tonight for the first time I socialized with coworkers...more like friends...outside of the work setting. I made memories and I am happy for it. Yes, there was drinking involved, but you know what? I am comfortable with that. I am learning slowly who I am and how to accept that and to ignore the pressures of others. That is the true path to happiness right? I have taken control and am back on the track that I want to be on.
There has been a lot of self reflecting and I have been considering where I want to be in five years and I have decided that I would like to look into getting my teaching degree for science..well biology to be specific. Even if it just so I can teach and go to night school that would be fine for me. There is a lot I want to accomplish, but 2011 has shown me the importance of facing reality.
I love all that this past year alone has taught me and in looking back I can see how much I have learned and how much I have accomplished and as I fall asleep tonight it will be with a smile on my face.
...and not because I am drunk.