My psychology professor DARED insult my intelligence in front of the entire class on Saturday. We had our final exam (open book mind you) and she was going on and on about how "hard" is was and that we would really need to take our time to make sure we passed. Well an hour after starting I was done. I mean really it was 50 multiple choice questions and I had the book right there to find the answers. It really is not hard work, but when she saw I was done she made this big ordeal out of it. I had to take a lined paper and my test to the front of the class and she told me which problems were wrong. ALL NINE OF THEM. *Gasp* OH no! I would have only gotten a B! *swoon* Luckily for me though she is such a dear and let me go back and correct all nine of my mistakes. Ten minutes later I turned in my test and walked triumphantly out of the class. Of course I was wearing a smug look on my face because I had managed to correct at least seven of them for sure. There were two that I had my doubts about, but still....it is better than the twenty another guy missed. I mainly was peeved because she was acting as if I would have gotten a horribly large amount wrong and she was assuming I am of a lesser intelligence than her test. GAH!
Needless to say I didn't even study for the damn thing. Suck on that Dr. Lopez
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Redefining the Relationship
Tonight ( and later today) we are discussing our relationship (We meaning Robert and I). The avenues of communication are clearing up and we are and have been talking about how we feel and things like that. We also are talking about how we feel the relationship is going and other things. At one point Robert asked me if he is a good boyfriend. At first I scoffed and replied "yes" but than I started really thinking about it and I came up with reasons as to why he is. Yes people I did think about it. Most people just say yes without thinking if what they are saying is actually true. Robert isn't perfect, but he is a good boyfriend. I love him to pieces and if he asked me to I would marry him. Oh dear Lord I am putting this up with that information, but honestly I think everyone knows that at this point hahaha Zach teases me about it enough. Robert if you are reading this and you haven't figured that out already than there you have it. Our talk got me thinking about whether I was a good girlfriend or not. Robert says he thinks so, and I certainly hope I am.
Does anyone have any information or ideas about how to break a relationship routine? We seem to somewhat have fallen into a rut or a routine and I think we need some spontaneity in it. Idk like take a weekend trip or even just pitch a tent in the backyard hahaha okay so it's cold out and we can't afford to stay the weekend somewhere but I think everyone gets my drift. We just need a random thing to do to break out routine.
Does anyone have any information or ideas about how to break a relationship routine? We seem to somewhat have fallen into a rut or a routine and I think we need some spontaneity in it. Idk like take a weekend trip or even just pitch a tent in the backyard hahaha okay so it's cold out and we can't afford to stay the weekend somewhere but I think everyone gets my drift. We just need a random thing to do to break out routine.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The past week's Awkwardness
Awkward Moment from last week #1:
I was sitting in the computer lab at school just trying to pass the time when I noticed Robert walking towards me and in my horror I tried to hide what I had been looking at and I seriously HOPED that he hadn't seen me looking at it and I thought I got off the hook until he mentioned something about it on the way home.
The thing he caught me looking at? Wedding Dresses. >_<
Awkward Moment #2:
I got called a bitch by some girl I don't even know because I took the ball from her while playing soccer....okay...I thought that is how the game goes...sorry I didn't know I was supposed to let you keep the ball just because the boys let you.
Awkward Moment #3:
A group in Sociology presented on the same topic as my group....and they went before us....and had a lot of the same information....yeah...awkward
Those were the past week's top three awkward moments. I'm going to try and post some at the end of each week since there seems to be a lot of awkward moments for me in my life. This past week wasn't too special though. I started working at the Overton store (finally I know) and it has gone fairly well so far. I mean I understand for the most part everything, I just have to get a feel for how the store runs and all that. School is going well. Just finishing up the semester so I am trying to be patient and wait for it to end. BLEH!
Played some indoor soccer this week and it felt great...up until the moment that some red head thought she would "play" with us all. I took the ball from her when none of the guys would and she called me a bitch. O_O OMG what?! Just because I took the ball and maybe slightly pushed her. She didn't even have a mark or anything and she definitely wasn't getting the crap beaten out of her by the guys like I was! I mean seriosuly I was knocked down and slammed into the wall and stepped on and kicked, but in all fairness I was returning the favor to them. But she has the NERVE to call me that after I barely touch her and take the ball from her? Wow....someone needs to learn that if they are going to play with the boys they need to learn how to play like a boy. Sheesh! I swear though if she calls me that again I am going to say something about it.
I bought Robert's christmas gift already. I am pretty excited about it but I hope it gets here before Christmas....I hope he likes it. I thought it was pretty cool and it fits certain criteria so hopefully its what he wanted....this is nerve wracking having to buy a gift for a boyfriend. I honestly have never had to do that for anyone. I figure I am going to get my sibs a Wii game and than my parents probably something else but idk what yet. Well got to go workout...I am down 5 lbs and I have to keep going! 160 here I come!!!
I was sitting in the computer lab at school just trying to pass the time when I noticed Robert walking towards me and in my horror I tried to hide what I had been looking at and I seriously HOPED that he hadn't seen me looking at it and I thought I got off the hook until he mentioned something about it on the way home.
The thing he caught me looking at? Wedding Dresses. >_<
Awkward Moment #2:
I got called a bitch by some girl I don't even know because I took the ball from her while playing soccer....okay...I thought that is how the game goes...sorry I didn't know I was supposed to let you keep the ball just because the boys let you.
Awkward Moment #3:
A group in Sociology presented on the same topic as my group....and they went before us....and had a lot of the same information....yeah...awkward
Those were the past week's top three awkward moments. I'm going to try and post some at the end of each week since there seems to be a lot of awkward moments for me in my life. This past week wasn't too special though. I started working at the Overton store (finally I know) and it has gone fairly well so far. I mean I understand for the most part everything, I just have to get a feel for how the store runs and all that. School is going well. Just finishing up the semester so I am trying to be patient and wait for it to end. BLEH!
Played some indoor soccer this week and it felt great...up until the moment that some red head thought she would "play" with us all. I took the ball from her when none of the guys would and she called me a bitch. O_O OMG what?! Just because I took the ball and maybe slightly pushed her. She didn't even have a mark or anything and she definitely wasn't getting the crap beaten out of her by the guys like I was! I mean seriosuly I was knocked down and slammed into the wall and stepped on and kicked, but in all fairness I was returning the favor to them. But she has the NERVE to call me that after I barely touch her and take the ball from her? Wow....someone needs to learn that if they are going to play with the boys they need to learn how to play like a boy. Sheesh! I swear though if she calls me that again I am going to say something about it.
I bought Robert's christmas gift already. I am pretty excited about it but I hope it gets here before Christmas....I hope he likes it. I thought it was pretty cool and it fits certain criteria so hopefully its what he wanted....this is nerve wracking having to buy a gift for a boyfriend. I honestly have never had to do that for anyone. I figure I am going to get my sibs a Wii game and than my parents probably something else but idk what yet. Well got to go workout...I am down 5 lbs and I have to keep going! 160 here I come!!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
What My Depression Means For Me
Well as you all know now...I have depression, but I consider it a more active depression rather than the stereotype of someone who wears a hoodie all the time (I actually do but it is NOT because of the depression!) and lounges around sighing, looking very put out. Some people don't understand that depression is actually something that is not easily gotten rid of, like the common cold for instance, this is more like cancer. It takes over your body and slowly kills you (yes people have died from depression mainly in the form of suicide). While most people do suffer bouts of depression in their lives, some elect few are priviliged to have that chemical imbalance in their brain that stays with them and at times it really pumps up the happy feelings and thoughts running through that lucky person's body...NOT!!!!
You wanna know why I can be so spastic and crazy sometimes? (Okay I give...most of the time!) I literally am imbalanced and it makes me practically bipolar. I have anxiety attacks and nervous breakdowns, I don't like being alone, but I can't stand being around too many people either. Hugging most people just isn't done; if I hug you, you know you are special or I jsut really am digging you at the moment or whatever absurd reason I can think of. It means I wake up planning ways to brighten other's lives because I get satisfaction out of making others not feel how I do...hence my comic genius.
Depression means that I have to be careful of what music I listen to, the beat and the words because it will affect me like nothing else. Movies get to me as well, which sucks because some of the best movies are dramas, I don't like watching violence either. Depression means that I form strong bonds to certain people, but I tend to be reclusive and indeed very anti-social. I overeat ( I wasn't lucky enough to get the form of depression that makes me not seek comfort from food) and it takes a lot of strength to just get up most morning. I sleep a lot due to my depression and I try not to let myself, but seeing as I am making a movement for human hibernation I think sleep has won that battle.
The world has a darker and more sarcastic view, I do not trust easily and I escape into books and day dreams every possible chance. Depression is a major part of who I am despite how much I abhor having to admit it. So if at times I seem particularly snarky or (hopefully never) downright mean I apologize. I have my good days and at times my bad days (guess which one I prefer sharing with you all...) The beast within can be a whole lot stronger than I am at times, but know that I am always there under the surface when it takes over.
Depression to me means having to be stronger than the normal human being because being of average strength means eventually caving under and never resurfacing. It means wondering if every friendship or relationship is real and trying not to give in to self doubt or worry. It means having to let go of a lot of things and not forming too many attachments because if something or someone gets close the letting go is 20 times harder. I tend to ignore how I am feeling or I don't share it and than at random times it just explodes out of me and often gets out of control. I have anxiety problems and I cry at the most random moments. I cry for a bit than stop and than start and it continues like that until eventually it just comes pouring out of me. For most people crying helps relieve some of the pain, but for me it just makes it worse. I start crying BECAUSE I am crying.
This is an everyday struggle. It isn't something I can just "suck up" and move on from. Doing that actually hurts me more than helps me.
People don't really understand what depression (Clinical Depression) is like for those diagnosed with it. If I can in some way bring a voice and a perspective to it than I will do so. My only hope is that people can gain knowledge of it and maybe not feel so alone anymore.
You wanna know why I can be so spastic and crazy sometimes? (Okay I give...most of the time!) I literally am imbalanced and it makes me practically bipolar. I have anxiety attacks and nervous breakdowns, I don't like being alone, but I can't stand being around too many people either. Hugging most people just isn't done; if I hug you, you know you are special or I jsut really am digging you at the moment or whatever absurd reason I can think of. It means I wake up planning ways to brighten other's lives because I get satisfaction out of making others not feel how I do...hence my comic genius.
Depression means that I have to be careful of what music I listen to, the beat and the words because it will affect me like nothing else. Movies get to me as well, which sucks because some of the best movies are dramas, I don't like watching violence either. Depression means that I form strong bonds to certain people, but I tend to be reclusive and indeed very anti-social. I overeat ( I wasn't lucky enough to get the form of depression that makes me not seek comfort from food) and it takes a lot of strength to just get up most morning. I sleep a lot due to my depression and I try not to let myself, but seeing as I am making a movement for human hibernation I think sleep has won that battle.
The world has a darker and more sarcastic view, I do not trust easily and I escape into books and day dreams every possible chance. Depression is a major part of who I am despite how much I abhor having to admit it. So if at times I seem particularly snarky or (hopefully never) downright mean I apologize. I have my good days and at times my bad days (guess which one I prefer sharing with you all...) The beast within can be a whole lot stronger than I am at times, but know that I am always there under the surface when it takes over.
Depression to me means having to be stronger than the normal human being because being of average strength means eventually caving under and never resurfacing. It means wondering if every friendship or relationship is real and trying not to give in to self doubt or worry. It means having to let go of a lot of things and not forming too many attachments because if something or someone gets close the letting go is 20 times harder. I tend to ignore how I am feeling or I don't share it and than at random times it just explodes out of me and often gets out of control. I have anxiety problems and I cry at the most random moments. I cry for a bit than stop and than start and it continues like that until eventually it just comes pouring out of me. For most people crying helps relieve some of the pain, but for me it just makes it worse. I start crying BECAUSE I am crying.
This is an everyday struggle. It isn't something I can just "suck up" and move on from. Doing that actually hurts me more than helps me.
People don't really understand what depression (Clinical Depression) is like for those diagnosed with it. If I can in some way bring a voice and a perspective to it than I will do so. My only hope is that people can gain knowledge of it and maybe not feel so alone anymore.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Gone for a week
I will not be posting for a week due to the fact that I will be in California attending the funeral services of my Uncle Danny. He passed away this past tuesday and we are all deeply affected by it. He left behind a wife and three kids, and we all miss him so much.
This loss is felt by us all, he was there for all of my life and was always the life of the party. Laughter was always around him and it was hard not to smile when near him. His wife and children loved him dearly and the rest of the family loved him as well. Uncle Danny was truly loved and will never be forgotten. I thank Heavenly Father for giving Uncle Danny to me and for letting us be a family here on Earth. I look forward to seeing him again and I am so greatful for the knowledge that he is with Heavenly Father and with Grandpa watching down over us.
We love you Uncle Danny and I hope you know how much you will be and are missed.
This loss is felt by us all, he was there for all of my life and was always the life of the party. Laughter was always around him and it was hard not to smile when near him. His wife and children loved him dearly and the rest of the family loved him as well. Uncle Danny was truly loved and will never be forgotten. I thank Heavenly Father for giving Uncle Danny to me and for letting us be a family here on Earth. I look forward to seeing him again and I am so greatful for the knowledge that he is with Heavenly Father and with Grandpa watching down over us.
We love you Uncle Danny and I hope you know how much you will be and are missed.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wanna Pet My Wookie?
....no.
BAHAHAHA Tonight was a Star Wars evening with two of my best friends...ROBERT and ZACH!!! HUZZAH! We watched Episode III at Zach's house and I have to say that even though it has the best duels in it (lightsaber) that Anakin is kinda a bitch the entire time...I mean seriously....he bugs me in this movie, but whatever because he becomes DARTH VADER and we all know Vader kicks serious trash all over that galaxy. It was interesting because before the movie we were discussing who would win...Eragon or Obi Wan. Yeah I know...two different genres...but if you think about it both are pretty badass characters and TECHNICALLY Obi Wan does take down Anakin and is the reason he sounds asthmatic....BUUUUUT Eragon can basically do what Obi Wan can do....and he has a dragon, but whatever he does do it drains him so there is a disadvantage. We all agreed though that it would be an interesting fight.
Yes people this is in fact what my friends and I do...nerdy and probably boring to most...but we have fun and we enjoy it. Most of the time we have perverted conversations, but sometimes we get deep...real deep....*snicker* ANYWAYS it was fun because Zach and I showed up unexpectedly at Robert's house and Zach had this HUGE bag of animal cracker cookies and Robert's dad was giving crap for eating them, but that didn't stop us on our animal cracker massacre. When we got to his house (zach's) his mom was driving up and zach was purposefully walking slow in front of her car and than as she passed he threw animal crackers at her car. It was hilarious and pretty funny because all she heard was them hitting the window and didn't know what it was and when she found out she was like "Don't you go wasting my crackers!" I LOVE Sister Brough!
Overall tonight was pretty genious and I had a blast. We all definitely need to hang out more!
BAHAHAHA Tonight was a Star Wars evening with two of my best friends...ROBERT and ZACH!!! HUZZAH! We watched Episode III at Zach's house and I have to say that even though it has the best duels in it (lightsaber) that Anakin is kinda a bitch the entire time...I mean seriously....he bugs me in this movie, but whatever because he becomes DARTH VADER and we all know Vader kicks serious trash all over that galaxy. It was interesting because before the movie we were discussing who would win...Eragon or Obi Wan. Yeah I know...two different genres...but if you think about it both are pretty badass characters and TECHNICALLY Obi Wan does take down Anakin and is the reason he sounds asthmatic....BUUUUUT Eragon can basically do what Obi Wan can do....and he has a dragon, but whatever he does do it drains him so there is a disadvantage. We all agreed though that it would be an interesting fight.
Yes people this is in fact what my friends and I do...nerdy and probably boring to most...but we have fun and we enjoy it. Most of the time we have perverted conversations, but sometimes we get deep...real deep....*snicker* ANYWAYS it was fun because Zach and I showed up unexpectedly at Robert's house and Zach had this HUGE bag of animal cracker cookies and Robert's dad was giving crap for eating them, but that didn't stop us on our animal cracker massacre. When we got to his house (zach's) his mom was driving up and zach was purposefully walking slow in front of her car and than as she passed he threw animal crackers at her car. It was hilarious and pretty funny because all she heard was them hitting the window and didn't know what it was and when she found out she was like "Don't you go wasting my crackers!" I LOVE Sister Brough!
Overall tonight was pretty genious and I had a blast. We all definitely need to hang out more!
Ownage
I totally OWNED my Psychology presentation on Saturday. I got an A!!!!! Yeah my group took longer than thirty minutes, but when you are presenting on the entirety on Clinical Psychology you are not going to take just a mere thirty minutes. My part alone had to have been like 15 hahaha I was talking forever about different therapies. Dr. Lopez loved our presentation and had many good things to say about it AAAAAND the only questions asked to my group where directed towards me. SUCK ON THAT!!! I answered them with ease and than BAM we found out we got an A. She even came over to us and congratulated us on doing a good job! The group after us presented on Autism...I was dissapointed by their lack of information beyond risks, causes, and symptoms. Seriously they could have done way way waaaaaaay more with it but nooooooo they didn't. Oh well tis life I suppose. My critique is not going to be pleasant though. I found out I got a B on the history exam i took....not very impressive but I did lack in studying so that is where the problem lies. I probably should study more for these tests because I got a B on my Sociology one too....pfft sick...imagine the grade I would get if I actually studied? HAHAHA
Saturday was the last time I will EVER eat a Large meal at Fatburger. Seriously....Robert and I each ordered one and we were both DYING in my car after..I mean seriously we both were stuffed! But it was worth it because...well...it's Fatburger and no matter if it killed us last time, we are going to keep going there! We also went to the WEST FEST in Henderson because his friend was running a booth there and we got Vendor passes. It wasn't as impressive as the Clark County Fair, but than again I can't really complain since I got in for free! I got to pan for gold and I actually got to see a machine Robert has worked on for his friend. Also i found out these cheap earrings I bought at the CC Fair like a couple years ago have titanium in them! BAM! hahaha there was this really cool machine and it can tell you what things are made out of! I was very impressed. It was so random because on our way home we stopped at the Home Depot and we saw Oliver's dad! hahaha Raaaaandooooom! It was cool though and pretty epic.
Saturday was the last time I will EVER eat a Large meal at Fatburger. Seriously....Robert and I each ordered one and we were both DYING in my car after..I mean seriously we both were stuffed! But it was worth it because...well...it's Fatburger and no matter if it killed us last time, we are going to keep going there! We also went to the WEST FEST in Henderson because his friend was running a booth there and we got Vendor passes. It wasn't as impressive as the Clark County Fair, but than again I can't really complain since I got in for free! I got to pan for gold and I actually got to see a machine Robert has worked on for his friend. Also i found out these cheap earrings I bought at the CC Fair like a couple years ago have titanium in them! BAM! hahaha there was this really cool machine and it can tell you what things are made out of! I was very impressed. It was so random because on our way home we stopped at the Home Depot and we saw Oliver's dad! hahaha Raaaaandooooom! It was cool though and pretty epic.
Sex and 50 Nuggets
Tonight at work a guy came through drive thru and ordered 50 nuggets. Now normally that isn't a big deal but how it all went down totally made my evening. He rolls up to the window and hands me the money he owed and as he is handing it to me he said something about putting the final touch on his evening and how it was going to be a long one. I didn't really do anything except take his money, but when I was handing him his change back i noticed that in the front seat he had a NEW box of condoms and a few newly purchased lubes.
O_o
All I could think of was "Oh my WORD! His long evening includes condoms, lubes, and FIFTY NUGGETS?!"
What in the french toast?! I mean....all I can picture is him lying on this bed of nuggets like that scene from American Beauty...except of rose petals its nuggets! BAHAHAHAHA I mean....who sexes someone up and than eats nuggets before, during, or after?
He is my hero!
O_o
All I could think of was "Oh my WORD! His long evening includes condoms, lubes, and FIFTY NUGGETS?!"
What in the french toast?! I mean....all I can picture is him lying on this bed of nuggets like that scene from American Beauty...except of rose petals its nuggets! BAHAHAHAHA I mean....who sexes someone up and than eats nuggets before, during, or after?
He is my hero!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Four and a Half
Months...four and a half months....that's all I have before he gets here. The villian of my dreams, the first guy who made me believe in love, the one who got me to open and trust...he comes home...to my valley...in four and a half months. I didn't think much of it, but last night I had a dream where I CHEATED ON ROBERT WITH HIM....it was just a dream...but I woke up feeling guilty. I normally don't feel anything after waking up, but I had to convince myself that it was a dream. Robert had his own saucy dream where he cheated on me which was weird that our dreams kinda linked up in the same night but yeah anyways back to my dilemma. I am pretty sure nothing is going to happen when he gets home. No I KNOW nothing will happen when he gets home....BUUUUUUUT something keeps nagging me telling me that I just might be wrong. Normally I don't really listen to that nagging voice, but something keeps giving me the feeling that I should. It's weird because I haven't really payed him any mind and now that we are just a few short months (which btw time has been FLYING!) away from a reunion....I am just not sure how I feel about that. I mean we were tight before he left. We talked everyday and we wrote for a bit and than no communication really, but I know its going to be hard to not talk to him again like we used to. I mean we talked about everything and anything and it was basically all day too. I told him about Robert and I dating and I have written every once in awhile giving an update and stuff on things going down. Part of me doesn't want to fully let go, but a big part of me is investing myself into the relationship I have with Robert. I know four months is a "long time" but in reality it isn't. I mean it's been two years and I look back on it and think "where did the time go?" The next four months are going to be interesting. If only I could get a letter or something to at least know what he is thinking. That is what makes this all such a stupid situation.
Oh and my mom says that our dreams just mean we need to get it done with because apparently we are just too sexually frustrated bahahahahaha....so she gave us the greenlight to have sex....wtf? I am not a mom or anything but I am pretty sure that is NOT in the Mom Handbook and is probably on the list of "do not allow" but whatever!
Oh and my mom says that our dreams just mean we need to get it done with because apparently we are just too sexually frustrated bahahahahaha....so she gave us the greenlight to have sex....wtf? I am not a mom or anything but I am pretty sure that is NOT in the Mom Handbook and is probably on the list of "do not allow" but whatever!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Making Mountains out of Molehills
I was sitting in my Drive Thru window (and yes people I am completely convinced it is mine) thinking and contemplating my situation and I realized it really isn't as bad as I thought it was. Classic case of a molehill being made into a mountain. I had the paranoid delusion that the world was taking sides and forcing me to choose what I want for my life all at the same time. One problem became linked to all these other situations in my mind and I just got overwhelmed with it all. I didn't want to think or to choose or to decide, mainly because I despise confrontation and for all my dreaming and scheming I really don't put much stock into the future. Yes this is what I spend my working hours (all 8 of them) thinking about. What am I supposed to do? Work? Pfft...that takes two brain cells TOPS. No I spend my time working my frustrations out on the dishes and thinking about my problems.
This is what I decided. I really am not in that bad of a place as I thought. My feelings have ALL been a bit mixed lately and with the anger I felt this summer I have been bad and held onto that. I just need to let go of everything and start anew and with an open mind (but not so open my brain falls out). I am going to take sometime and see where I stand. I am going to actually go to church and see how I feel about it. Now I am not going to go once and decide from there. I am actually going to go for two months straight and at the end I will see where I stand. Some of you might just cringe at this decision and ask "why wait?" The truth is that I don't know the truth. I don't know how I feel about any of this. I know that a big part of me wants to leave, but there is enough of me still here that wants me to stay. I may not like most of the people out here in the valley and how they can be elitist bastards (we all know its true), but I do believe in a lot of the doctrine and principles that are taught. (I totally just saw in my head my mom's eye twitching) I know a lot of people don't understand and don't like the church. Yes I know that I myself scoff at how people act and some behaviors that are expected of me, but it doesn't mean I can't be who I am and be LDS. Yes I get it...I really am not one to be a caged animal. I end up being like those sharks in aquariums who just kinda keep swimming into the sides or slowly whither away into nothingness when caged. There are A LOT of rules and standards and I will be the first to admit I will most likely never meet them all, which is sad but at least I am not running around pretending I am perfect.
I do strongly want to leave, but I am giving it a second chance. I am making sure that I am absolutely 100% positive that what my final decision is....well 100% what I want. This is something I ulitmately have to do on my own and decide for myself. Decisions like this take TIME. They don't just get rushed. I don't want to back out only to want back in a few years down the road. It would mean I did all of this and went through all of this for nothing. Some people might call me indecisive and some will be really unhappy with me, but please understand that I do want what is best for me and I really do want to make sure I have everything covered before making a final move.
So many people support me and love me and I know that no matter what I will always have someone there for me. Today I don't feel so lost anymore, I don't feel so empty. I feel a sense of fulfillment, like I am on the right track to discovering something. I can't promise one thing or another about my final decision, but all I do know is that I feel good about my current course and to me that is all that matters right now.
This is what I decided. I really am not in that bad of a place as I thought. My feelings have ALL been a bit mixed lately and with the anger I felt this summer I have been bad and held onto that. I just need to let go of everything and start anew and with an open mind (but not so open my brain falls out). I am going to take sometime and see where I stand. I am going to actually go to church and see how I feel about it. Now I am not going to go once and decide from there. I am actually going to go for two months straight and at the end I will see where I stand. Some of you might just cringe at this decision and ask "why wait?" The truth is that I don't know the truth. I don't know how I feel about any of this. I know that a big part of me wants to leave, but there is enough of me still here that wants me to stay. I may not like most of the people out here in the valley and how they can be elitist bastards (we all know its true), but I do believe in a lot of the doctrine and principles that are taught. (I totally just saw in my head my mom's eye twitching) I know a lot of people don't understand and don't like the church. Yes I know that I myself scoff at how people act and some behaviors that are expected of me, but it doesn't mean I can't be who I am and be LDS. Yes I get it...I really am not one to be a caged animal. I end up being like those sharks in aquariums who just kinda keep swimming into the sides or slowly whither away into nothingness when caged. There are A LOT of rules and standards and I will be the first to admit I will most likely never meet them all, which is sad but at least I am not running around pretending I am perfect.
I do strongly want to leave, but I am giving it a second chance. I am making sure that I am absolutely 100% positive that what my final decision is....well 100% what I want. This is something I ulitmately have to do on my own and decide for myself. Decisions like this take TIME. They don't just get rushed. I don't want to back out only to want back in a few years down the road. It would mean I did all of this and went through all of this for nothing. Some people might call me indecisive and some will be really unhappy with me, but please understand that I do want what is best for me and I really do want to make sure I have everything covered before making a final move.
So many people support me and love me and I know that no matter what I will always have someone there for me. Today I don't feel so lost anymore, I don't feel so empty. I feel a sense of fulfillment, like I am on the right track to discovering something. I can't promise one thing or another about my final decision, but all I do know is that I feel good about my current course and to me that is all that matters right now.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Bending Before I Break
I don't want my problems to become everyone's....so...they win. I will go and do the minimum. I won't pretend I want to be there or that I evne care anymore, but it will be easier than seeing those around me suffer. I would rather suffer myself than to subject others to deal with it. Don't be surprised though if I take off in a few months or so because I won't be able to be out here long without breaking. I did tonight. I was bawling my eyes out as I told Robert everything was okay and that I wasn't emotional about anything we talked about. I told my parents I was fine and that I would do this for a bit and see what happens. Meanwhile inside I was dying. I am a beaten animal people. Resigned to the life that is set up for me. I refuse though to change what I have done because I do not regret any of my actions. It is not for them to decide that I am anything less than what I am just because I may have broken a rule or two. I may be playing nice but it isn't going to last long.
Latley I feel like....empty.
Latley I feel like....empty.
The Cryings of My Soul
I got a call from someone today that really just....I don't know whether to be flattered they called or to be upset that someone had them call me. I get it. I should come back, but the problem is....what if I don't necessarily want to? See if I did I would try ti fly under the radar, just get in get out and be done, but I know deep down that that isn't going to happen for me. I can't get away with just the minimum. No one will let me. Also I am not really sure I want to. My being there would be a lie. I would be saying I feel the same when in actuality I do not. How am I supposed to reslove this situation when I have multiple people (all within one week) reaching out to me and asking me to come back? I can't avoid them for the rest of my life. I can't just sit and do nothing because it is only going to progress into this big monster of a situation and I don't necessarily want that to happen.
I have stress headaches all the time. I cry all the time and I have a huge loss in appetite which is unusual since I normally eat three times a day...i am now only eating once because I just am not hungry anymore. I don't sleep and what rest i do get is extremely fitful. I have cleaned and rearranged my room and I am slowly making my way to my car. Sure yeah those things need to be cleaned, but when i get almost OCD about the cleaning there is a problem. I am irritable at work and I have almost no attention span anymore. My temper is increasing and I hardly joke like i used to. I am barely surviving people and it isn't because I haven't been going to church. This stress started when people started pressuring me to come back!!! I was FINE not going. I was doing my own thing and I was living. Now I just...I feel like some numerical statistic. Like why is it such a big deal if I don't go? It's almost like their whole lives will fall apart if I don't show up.
I just am really conflicted.
I have stress headaches all the time. I cry all the time and I have a huge loss in appetite which is unusual since I normally eat three times a day...i am now only eating once because I just am not hungry anymore. I don't sleep and what rest i do get is extremely fitful. I have cleaned and rearranged my room and I am slowly making my way to my car. Sure yeah those things need to be cleaned, but when i get almost OCD about the cleaning there is a problem. I am irritable at work and I have almost no attention span anymore. My temper is increasing and I hardly joke like i used to. I am barely surviving people and it isn't because I haven't been going to church. This stress started when people started pressuring me to come back!!! I was FINE not going. I was doing my own thing and I was living. Now I just...I feel like some numerical statistic. Like why is it such a big deal if I don't go? It's almost like their whole lives will fall apart if I don't show up.
I just am really conflicted.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Would You Light My Candle?
So on saturday I wore an outfit I wouldn't normally wear to school that consisted of boots, leggings, and a dress/ shirt (one of those you can wear as a SHORT dress or a shirt). I wore over it a nice jacket and that was that. I was pretty selfconscious about it because I normally do not wear clothing that accentuates parts of my body and this showed off my legs and pretty much I felt everything else, but who knows? Anyways i was in class and my group partner was looking at my legs DURING class...just sitting there...staring...at my legs. And at one point I got up to walk to the front to get a paper and the guy behind me said "Lord help me." When I turned around he looked down at his paper quickly...There could be something here people!
OH! and before we headed home Robert and I stopped to get gas and I was walking in to get gas and this moving van is driving up and than they drive ALL THE WAY AROUND THE PUMPS when they could have parked at the pump they first drove up too but noooooo they had to park at the farthest one and watch me walk into the gas station...when I was walking out they were following me with their heads and eyes and I felt kind of violated and awkward. I guess most people would be like "HUZZAH! I am hot!" but I just felt really weird and I kept wondering why I was getting attention. (Helloooooo low sefl esteem!)
Robert was wearing jeans on saturday and I was like "Lord have mercy!" hahaha but of course I said that in my head. The man can wear a pair of jeans....that is all I have to say about that. ;)
OH! and before we headed home Robert and I stopped to get gas and I was walking in to get gas and this moving van is driving up and than they drive ALL THE WAY AROUND THE PUMPS when they could have parked at the pump they first drove up too but noooooo they had to park at the farthest one and watch me walk into the gas station...when I was walking out they were following me with their heads and eyes and I felt kind of violated and awkward. I guess most people would be like "HUZZAH! I am hot!" but I just felt really weird and I kept wondering why I was getting attention. (Helloooooo low sefl esteem!)
Robert was wearing jeans on saturday and I was like "Lord have mercy!" hahaha but of course I said that in my head. The man can wear a pair of jeans....that is all I have to say about that. ;)
Under Pressure
I now know what pimples and zits feel like when they get squeezed and squeezed until they pop. Yeah pretty graphic, but that is how I have been feeling lately. I have been trying to just sit idly by and be as unnoticed as possible in something and today just made me realize that the popping of the Nadia Zit is commencing.
I got a phone call today from someone looking for me because they haven't seen me somewhere in awhile. I haven't been to this one place in about...hmmm...maybe four months or so? And apparently I am greatly missed and that people are "concerned". WTF? I am still alive and I have seen people so they KNOW I am doing okay. Doesn't everyone know I am at school or at work these days? Sheesh. But anyways I get home and I tell my parents about the phone call and they start telling me about how to make those calls stop. They even offered (well my stepdad did) to write a letter for me. Needless to say I burst out crying and left the room.
All this stress is wigging me out so I decided to rearrange my room and TADA I have sooo much more space in here now! I mean seriously my room looks a whole lot bigger hahaha and all I did was move the bed and the dresser! But now I have room to workout in here as well as have my sewing machine! I am pretty excited about it and I feel really accomplished! OMG I hear an OWL outside of my room. Who the fudge knew Owls were in Nevada?! I mean we do have turkeys and a beaver so why not I guess! LOL
Anyways though I have been pretty depressed lately about my situation. I don't know what to do or what would be right. No matter what I decide there are a lot of people who are going to get hurt and I can't and don't want to be responsible for anyone being hurt, but I know that I can't just continue to do nothing for very much longer. Eventually all this pressure will build up to where it will push me to decide. The problem is I don't really know which direction to go. On the one hand I have a lot more doors open to me if I choose to stay, but on the other hand I won't have to deal with the drama that occured this past summer. IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK about anything. Can I just crawl under a rock and disappear?
I got a phone call today from someone looking for me because they haven't seen me somewhere in awhile. I haven't been to this one place in about...hmmm...maybe four months or so? And apparently I am greatly missed and that people are "concerned". WTF? I am still alive and I have seen people so they KNOW I am doing okay. Doesn't everyone know I am at school or at work these days? Sheesh. But anyways I get home and I tell my parents about the phone call and they start telling me about how to make those calls stop. They even offered (well my stepdad did) to write a letter for me. Needless to say I burst out crying and left the room.
All this stress is wigging me out so I decided to rearrange my room and TADA I have sooo much more space in here now! I mean seriously my room looks a whole lot bigger hahaha and all I did was move the bed and the dresser! But now I have room to workout in here as well as have my sewing machine! I am pretty excited about it and I feel really accomplished! OMG I hear an OWL outside of my room. Who the fudge knew Owls were in Nevada?! I mean we do have turkeys and a beaver so why not I guess! LOL
Anyways though I have been pretty depressed lately about my situation. I don't know what to do or what would be right. No matter what I decide there are a lot of people who are going to get hurt and I can't and don't want to be responsible for anyone being hurt, but I know that I can't just continue to do nothing for very much longer. Eventually all this pressure will build up to where it will push me to decide. The problem is I don't really know which direction to go. On the one hand I have a lot more doors open to me if I choose to stay, but on the other hand I won't have to deal with the drama that occured this past summer. IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK about anything. Can I just crawl under a rock and disappear?
Friday, October 8, 2010
My wig of wigginess!
Sharing My Insecurities.
As of right now I weigh 190 lbs. At least that is what my scale tells me...and we are currently no longer speaking. This is how the conversation went.
Me- "What the fudge? Last time I checked I was so NOT this weight!"
Scale-"Well maybe if you visited more often you would have seen it sooner."
Me- "Dude I totally checked like....okay so maybe it's been awhile....whatever"
Scale-"Perhaps you have been snacking on too many chicken nuggets?"
Me-"Psssh no...I haven't had those in forever...and besides i have been eating healthier at work. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!"
Scale- "I don't know but please get off....you are hurting my back."
At that moment I promptly stepped off the scale, flipped it off and than proceeded to eat a chocolate square from the box of chocolates my mom got me for my birthday. Not very mature, but whatever. I have been reflecting on this past month and how I managed to gain ten pounds since August. I have come to the conclusion that between stress at work, stress with finances, and just stress all around has prompted me to begin with my comfort snacking again...I have worked hard all year to maintain my 180 lbs of weight and I have been doing well, but in times of stress (or when my holding it back gets to be too much) I begin to eat in some weird self soothing type of way. It isn't very healthy for me but ooooh man is it good eating! I managed to hold back this summer from overeating when I stressed, but lately I have noticed I tend to become cookie monster when he sees a plate of cookies. I "NOM NOM NOM" on things and than after I am like "Why the hell did I just do that?" Not being bulimic or anorexic, I don't really have a way to get rid of whatever it was I just scarfed down. See the predicament I am in? Of course you might be saying "Well why doesn't she just not overeat?" Yeah might as well tell me to not breathe while I am at it. Habits are hard to break....especially when they are life long habits. My overeating stems from when I was younger and living with my dad. When things were stressful or I felt alone, I turned to food. I mean I could be found at any time of the day with food somehow within reach of me...even in class I would be munching on something. I have a serious gum addiction because chewing gum tends to prevent me from eating since it is a hassle to spit it out and then replace it....anyways....as I got older life got more stressful and I gained a TON of weight in my early high school years and the last couple of years I hit my peak at 197 lbs. I vowed if I hit 200 I would die of shame and embarassment and would most likely eat myself into a food coma.
So now here I am 10 lbs away from my food coma vow and what am I doing? I AM WORKING OUT! That is right...I am actually working out. I have a goal and I am as determined as hell to reach it. I have never thought I would be a perfect 10. I KNOW I am not going to have the "perfect" body, but it would be nice to get into size 9 jeans you know? Hell even an 8! I am tired of sitting down and protruding outwardly. I don't want to feel awkward in a bathing suit and I don't want to feel like I need to have my arms covering my stomach or feel the need to try and pull my shirt down to cover my thighs. I know that how we view ourselves comes from within, and I will be the first to admit that I don't find myself all that pretty. The fact that I have managed to get a boyfriend baffles me everyday! I have NEVER really seen myself as a beautiful creature gracing this Earth. Yeah sure, I may be good looking, but I have never seen myself as beautiful. I have always ahted shopping because I can never find cute clothing that fits my style AND fits me. If you see my wardrobe it consists of jeans and t-shirts...not only because those are my favorite clothes, but also because they are the easiest things to find in my size and that fit me the way I like.
I put off an air of confidence and I am confident in my self as in my personality, but when it comes to my image? I suffer greatly in confidence and self-esteem. I have never thought I was really worth anything when it came to looks, so I developed this personality filled with sarcasm and biting wit. I hide a lot from those around me and I don't really share what I feel. It HURTS when I hear the guys around me talk about girls they find attractive because I see the girls and I look at myself and I think "My god....I am like....two of her!" or "Well....she looks like Barbie and I friggin look like one of the guys!" Robert and Zach were looking at Halloween costumes and I will say I don't know what they were really talking about but Robert pointed out two different costumes and I looked and the women wearing them were actually really pretty and they had legs that never ended....anyways I got upset because I thought to myself "Well that's something you'll never be." Now Robert and Zach didn't say or imply anything....that thought was ALL ME....but I left in a hurry because I didn't want them to see me about to cry. When I say I struggle I mean it. It isn't a simple thing for me to just type this for the world of internet to read. Most won't understand, and some will kind of get it, and for the few that completely understand me....you aren't alone!
I will be posting up my achievements and anecdotes of this journey I am taking. I know it won't be easy and I know I am probably going to fail at times, but I know that the change I seek starts and ends with me. If I stick to it and remain upbeat I know that things will change and for the better.
Me- "What the fudge? Last time I checked I was so NOT this weight!"
Scale-"Well maybe if you visited more often you would have seen it sooner."
Me- "Dude I totally checked like....okay so maybe it's been awhile....whatever"
Scale-"Perhaps you have been snacking on too many chicken nuggets?"
Me-"Psssh no...I haven't had those in forever...and besides i have been eating healthier at work. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!"
Scale- "I don't know but please get off....you are hurting my back."
At that moment I promptly stepped off the scale, flipped it off and than proceeded to eat a chocolate square from the box of chocolates my mom got me for my birthday. Not very mature, but whatever. I have been reflecting on this past month and how I managed to gain ten pounds since August. I have come to the conclusion that between stress at work, stress with finances, and just stress all around has prompted me to begin with my comfort snacking again...I have worked hard all year to maintain my 180 lbs of weight and I have been doing well, but in times of stress (or when my holding it back gets to be too much) I begin to eat in some weird self soothing type of way. It isn't very healthy for me but ooooh man is it good eating! I managed to hold back this summer from overeating when I stressed, but lately I have noticed I tend to become cookie monster when he sees a plate of cookies. I "NOM NOM NOM" on things and than after I am like "Why the hell did I just do that?" Not being bulimic or anorexic, I don't really have a way to get rid of whatever it was I just scarfed down. See the predicament I am in? Of course you might be saying "Well why doesn't she just not overeat?" Yeah might as well tell me to not breathe while I am at it. Habits are hard to break....especially when they are life long habits. My overeating stems from when I was younger and living with my dad. When things were stressful or I felt alone, I turned to food. I mean I could be found at any time of the day with food somehow within reach of me...even in class I would be munching on something. I have a serious gum addiction because chewing gum tends to prevent me from eating since it is a hassle to spit it out and then replace it....anyways....as I got older life got more stressful and I gained a TON of weight in my early high school years and the last couple of years I hit my peak at 197 lbs. I vowed if I hit 200 I would die of shame and embarassment and would most likely eat myself into a food coma.
So now here I am 10 lbs away from my food coma vow and what am I doing? I AM WORKING OUT! That is right...I am actually working out. I have a goal and I am as determined as hell to reach it. I have never thought I would be a perfect 10. I KNOW I am not going to have the "perfect" body, but it would be nice to get into size 9 jeans you know? Hell even an 8! I am tired of sitting down and protruding outwardly. I don't want to feel awkward in a bathing suit and I don't want to feel like I need to have my arms covering my stomach or feel the need to try and pull my shirt down to cover my thighs. I know that how we view ourselves comes from within, and I will be the first to admit that I don't find myself all that pretty. The fact that I have managed to get a boyfriend baffles me everyday! I have NEVER really seen myself as a beautiful creature gracing this Earth. Yeah sure, I may be good looking, but I have never seen myself as beautiful. I have always ahted shopping because I can never find cute clothing that fits my style AND fits me. If you see my wardrobe it consists of jeans and t-shirts...not only because those are my favorite clothes, but also because they are the easiest things to find in my size and that fit me the way I like.
I put off an air of confidence and I am confident in my self as in my personality, but when it comes to my image? I suffer greatly in confidence and self-esteem. I have never thought I was really worth anything when it came to looks, so I developed this personality filled with sarcasm and biting wit. I hide a lot from those around me and I don't really share what I feel. It HURTS when I hear the guys around me talk about girls they find attractive because I see the girls and I look at myself and I think "My god....I am like....two of her!" or "Well....she looks like Barbie and I friggin look like one of the guys!" Robert and Zach were looking at Halloween costumes and I will say I don't know what they were really talking about but Robert pointed out two different costumes and I looked and the women wearing them were actually really pretty and they had legs that never ended....anyways I got upset because I thought to myself "Well that's something you'll never be." Now Robert and Zach didn't say or imply anything....that thought was ALL ME....but I left in a hurry because I didn't want them to see me about to cry. When I say I struggle I mean it. It isn't a simple thing for me to just type this for the world of internet to read. Most won't understand, and some will kind of get it, and for the few that completely understand me....you aren't alone!
I will be posting up my achievements and anecdotes of this journey I am taking. I know it won't be easy and I know I am probably going to fail at times, but I know that the change I seek starts and ends with me. If I stick to it and remain upbeat I know that things will change and for the better.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Holy Meteor Shower Batman!
SO I got up this morning in order to run...and I made it to the end of my street when my run turned into a walk. Yeah I pretty much am out of shape hahaha BUT I am proud to say that I did walk, and rather exercisingly for an hour and than i came home. Yeah I am that awesome! I made sure I was getting an excercize and not just puttering around. I am going to be walking every morning and working out every evening. I have a goal and I AM going to reach it!
My mom resigned from her job which means things around here are going to be tight. Which kinda means that right now I can't go to JoAnn's fabrics like I really want to and get supplies. I know that I will be able to..I just have to figure something out before I make that decision. I am asking my mom if it would be easier financially for them if I wasn't living at home, using electiricity and all that. I could move out...it would be tight for me and poor man's living for the most part, but if it helps them out in some small way than I am able to do it. Of course that would mean my plans for moving out of the valley next summer will probably not happen, but whatever I would be out of my parent's house which is one step closer to my goal right? But who knows? My mom says it won't really make a difference so I dout I will be moving out.
My mom resigned from her job which means things around here are going to be tight. Which kinda means that right now I can't go to JoAnn's fabrics like I really want to and get supplies. I know that I will be able to..I just have to figure something out before I make that decision. I am asking my mom if it would be easier financially for them if I wasn't living at home, using electiricity and all that. I could move out...it would be tight for me and poor man's living for the most part, but if it helps them out in some small way than I am able to do it. Of course that would mean my plans for moving out of the valley next summer will probably not happen, but whatever I would be out of my parent's house which is one step closer to my goal right? But who knows? My mom says it won't really make a difference so I dout I will be moving out.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Frolicking Fields of Frolickiness
Seriously I need to find a place to frolick where interruptions by intruders are sooooo not happening. Yes people I need this place. Anyone know of one?
So I wrote this weird piece of poetry/ song that has actually been a bit of therapy for me on a lot of things. It in no way is actually how I feel now, but at one point I know that it did represent who I was. So without further ado here it is!
TURNING INTO YOU
You left me standing there with my heart torn into pieces.
He came and said " Don't cry, you deserve so much more than that guy."
He tried, so hard to mend my broken heart.
So I went and let him in, I thought we were over, but I know better.
He wants me, he needs me, but I can't let go of you.
I tried, almost died, now all I do is lie.
Don't want to destroy him, but in the end all I'll do is hurt him.
I'm turning into you.
I wake in the dark of night from a dream so deep and restless.
I'm shaking as I cry, wishing you were back by my side.
He tries, so hard, to ease my restless heart.
But I can't just let him in. I know that we're not over.
So I know better.
He wants me, he needs me, but I won't let go of you.
I tried, almost died, now done with all these lies.
Didn't want to destroy him, but in the end all I did was hurt him.
I've turned into you.
Yeah it is a bit rough, but I enjoyed writing it. I am also working on my book again... I have to get a memory stick in order to put all my work on it since it take up such a chunk of my computer memory! HAHAHAHA I know! Oddly enough my book helped me in ways that months and months of therapy never could. Of course I never did talk to anyone about what I went through during the time before I wrote the book, but those who know me know what I am talking about...okay actually mainly Barbara. Let me explain now. I was in a really commited relationship with this guy and he broke things off....I have actually written about him previously, but anyways I was in this really dark deep place after that, and of all the times I had inspiration to write and write I did! I mean I had my outline of my book down and a very very VERY rough rough draft of it done within a few weeks or so. I based my characters off of people (very loosely based) and situations. I tweaked a lot and added a lot, but essentially I was working through a lot of my thoughts and feelings and putting it down on paper. The result has been my book. I am changing character names though and some other things, but it is staying the same for the most part.
I believe writing is a form of therapy. The best books are the ones that make you feel like you are winning and losing with the characters. You feel their pain, and in fact the characters are their own entities, not just some random scribblings on a page! I feel better when I am writing for my characters, creating life for them and seeing them succeed and fail and grow. I personally put a bit of myself into each of my characters, they are my babies...even the "villains" are a part of me. I only hope that as I work on this and *fingers crossed* eventually get it published, that you all love them and enjoy my stories as much as I do!
So I wrote this weird piece of poetry/ song that has actually been a bit of therapy for me on a lot of things. It in no way is actually how I feel now, but at one point I know that it did represent who I was. So without further ado here it is!
TURNING INTO YOU
You left me standing there with my heart torn into pieces.
He came and said " Don't cry, you deserve so much more than that guy."
He tried, so hard to mend my broken heart.
So I went and let him in, I thought we were over, but I know better.
He wants me, he needs me, but I can't let go of you.
I tried, almost died, now all I do is lie.
Don't want to destroy him, but in the end all I'll do is hurt him.
I'm turning into you.
I wake in the dark of night from a dream so deep and restless.
I'm shaking as I cry, wishing you were back by my side.
He tries, so hard, to ease my restless heart.
But I can't just let him in. I know that we're not over.
So I know better.
He wants me, he needs me, but I won't let go of you.
I tried, almost died, now done with all these lies.
Didn't want to destroy him, but in the end all I did was hurt him.
I've turned into you.
Yeah it is a bit rough, but I enjoyed writing it. I am also working on my book again... I have to get a memory stick in order to put all my work on it since it take up such a chunk of my computer memory! HAHAHAHA I know! Oddly enough my book helped me in ways that months and months of therapy never could. Of course I never did talk to anyone about what I went through during the time before I wrote the book, but those who know me know what I am talking about...okay actually mainly Barbara. Let me explain now. I was in a really commited relationship with this guy and he broke things off....I have actually written about him previously, but anyways I was in this really dark deep place after that, and of all the times I had inspiration to write and write I did! I mean I had my outline of my book down and a very very VERY rough rough draft of it done within a few weeks or so. I based my characters off of people (very loosely based) and situations. I tweaked a lot and added a lot, but essentially I was working through a lot of my thoughts and feelings and putting it down on paper. The result has been my book. I am changing character names though and some other things, but it is staying the same for the most part.
I believe writing is a form of therapy. The best books are the ones that make you feel like you are winning and losing with the characters. You feel their pain, and in fact the characters are their own entities, not just some random scribblings on a page! I feel better when I am writing for my characters, creating life for them and seeing them succeed and fail and grow. I personally put a bit of myself into each of my characters, they are my babies...even the "villains" are a part of me. I only hope that as I work on this and *fingers crossed* eventually get it published, that you all love them and enjoy my stories as much as I do!
Don't you know that your toxic?
Lately I have been on a HUGE Britney Spears kick...like...mad props to Glee for renewing my love for the Spears, but than again I have always had a huge liking of her music and although I think that she may not be the nest rolemodel...she has kicking pipes and awesome songs skills. I mean I grew up with her and I still can jam to her stuff hahaha
ANYWAYS
Saturday I met Robert's cousins Eric and Kimberly. They are pretty much awesome hahaha Eric was in town celebrating his 21st birthday and so Robert and I went and met up with him, Kimberly, and his friend Scott. It was nice meeting them and I was glad Robert got to see his cousins!!!! After we met with them we rushed across town to Chili's to meet with my family and some friends for my birthday dinner! It was fun seeing everyone and being reunited with others! Here are some pics from the evening!
ANYWAYS
Saturday I met Robert's cousins Eric and Kimberly. They are pretty much awesome hahaha Eric was in town celebrating his 21st birthday and so Robert and I went and met up with him, Kimberly, and his friend Scott. It was nice meeting them and I was glad Robert got to see his cousins!!!! After we met with them we rushed across town to Chili's to meet with my family and some friends for my birthday dinner! It was fun seeing everyone and being reunited with others! Here are some pics from the evening!
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| The "adult" side of the table (l tor) GMA, Dad, Mom, Family Friends |
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| This kid was hardcore and told me which tequila was the best... |
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| Robert and I enjoying Chili's! |
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| Zach and Robert doing what they do lol |
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| My first (and only) drink. Strawberry Daquiri |
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| Sarah and Skye came! It was awesome seeing them! |
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| Two of the sibs...at least they didn't pull weird faces haha |
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| Reunited after like...two years! |
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| My meal! |
Life is going good and I have been enjoying myself. I thoroughly enjoyed saturday and I enjoyed a day off from work today although I did end up burning stove popped popcorn by leaving it on too long and now the whole house smells like my mistake hahaha I mean people were coming out from their rooms going "what is that burnt smell?" XD i should probably pay more attention next time! Oh and here is a list of my Birthday Bounty: Robert got me a car safety kit...which is actually quite charming and wonderful that he did that because quite frankly I needed one. My grandmother bought me a sewing machine! Now I can sew my own things!!!! My family bought me my own travel mug, some really nice body scrub and lotion. My mom has the same stuff and It makes me feel grown up! My sister Erica got me a picture of our two dogs sitting together...trust me I asked for it haha also she is trying to get me out to cali so she can take me to the Haunted Disneyland. Sarah got me a Birthday sash, light up ring and pin that says "I am the Party" and a crown! She knows me too well! BAHAHAHA
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Nadia est. 09/30/1989
So on September 30, 1989 yours truly was forcefully pushed into this world by my mother's uteral muscles....but before I bring out the diagram of how birthing works, we will cut to the cahse and explain this year's birthday.
*ahem*
I TURNED TWENTY ONE!
*huzzah*
yeah I woke up on my birthday at the crack of noon and was made eggs and toast by my wonderful stepfather Sal. It was delicious and made just how I like it! I than proceeded to do some laundry and than I prepared to go to work where I would be working the closing shift at McDonald's...yeah a fact I was not that please about, but what can you do? So i went to work, where almost everyone there gave me a hug and I was serenaded with a lovely chorus of "Happy Birthday" an dthan we all proceeded to smell the cake that had been bought for me. It was caramely goodness and we couldn't wait to eat it! Well work went pretty fast and was pretty busy, BUT I did manage to be surprised by some friends who stopped by and sang the birthday song to me again...in front of the entire restaurant...it was embarassing but well received. I clocked out and grabbed my cake and headed home...only to stop a few miles outside of Mesquite...traffic was literally stopped. When I rolled up the guy in front of me came over and informed me that he had been there stopped for half an hour already!
People I was in that spot FOR FOUR HOURS! For effing boring hours in which I got to observe drunk men air hump the guard rail, lots of people smoking, and even a trucker peeing! Needless to say I was very stressed out and over emotional when i got home at 5 in the AM when i should have been home by 1 am. Yeah I drove by the spot today and it had only taken me two minutes to get there today as opposed to the four hours yesterday. GAH! I am not really sure what happened, but it involved a big rig (18 wheeler) going over the side of a miniature cliff. Sad Day!
21 Things I have accomplished in 21 years:
1. Basic (and complex) motors functions (walking running etc)
2. Graduated high school and am in college
3. Learned how to drive and bought my own car
4. Lived on my own for a few months (and moved back to mommy hahaha but shh)
5. Earned FOUR varsity letters (Band, Colorguard, Golf, Swim)
6. Traveled out of country (France, Switzerland and Mexico)
7. Witnessed a sunset over an ocean
8. Taken a moonlight stroll with friends
9. Volunteered in an organization I can truly support (Miracle League)
10. Cut my own hair!
11. Performed on a stage and abroad (Thank you Encore! Also i was Zaneeta in the Music Man in middle school)
12. Went camping with just me and one other person..in a tent...with a fractured elbow
13. I Fractured my elbow...it was a minor fracture but still!
14. Got to say goodbye to my grandfather 5 minutes before he passed.
15. Seen enough of nature's beauty to know there is a God
16. I have found Faith and what it means to have it
17. I have loved and hurt for it, but I have learned what love is
18. I have gone parasailing
19. I have learned that there is ALWAYS something to smile about.
20. I have touched a shark
21. I have learned that I have a whole lot more to learn
21 Things I wish to accomplish in the next 21 years:
1. Get married...any takers ;)
2. Finish school...and work in a career that I went to school for
3. Have kids...not a ridiculous amount...but 5 would do.
4. Go to Ireland...and spend like a month (or longer) there
5. Watch the sunrise and the sunset in the same day.
6. Learn an instrument other than voice
7. Cook more
8. Never get another cavity
9. Keep at a healthy weight in proportion to my height and age (starting...NOW)
10. Never go a day without smiling
11. Better someone else's life by doing something completely selfless and unplanned
12. Learn and drive a motorcycle
13. Get a tattoo
14. Create something (other than a lifeform)
15. Develop superpowers (yes I CAN have that as a goal)
16. Go to Disneyland at LEAST once a year.
17. Maintain a close relationship with my family and friends
18. Finally burn that place to the ground (if you know what I am talking about....you know I will one day!)
19. Live to see this world turn for the better
20. Inspire hope and faith in others
21. Get busy living or get busy dying
That people is all for now. Goodnight!
*ahem*
I TURNED TWENTY ONE!
*huzzah*
yeah I woke up on my birthday at the crack of noon and was made eggs and toast by my wonderful stepfather Sal. It was delicious and made just how I like it! I than proceeded to do some laundry and than I prepared to go to work where I would be working the closing shift at McDonald's...yeah a fact I was not that please about, but what can you do? So i went to work, where almost everyone there gave me a hug and I was serenaded with a lovely chorus of "Happy Birthday" an dthan we all proceeded to smell the cake that had been bought for me. It was caramely goodness and we couldn't wait to eat it! Well work went pretty fast and was pretty busy, BUT I did manage to be surprised by some friends who stopped by and sang the birthday song to me again...in front of the entire restaurant...it was embarassing but well received. I clocked out and grabbed my cake and headed home...only to stop a few miles outside of Mesquite...traffic was literally stopped. When I rolled up the guy in front of me came over and informed me that he had been there stopped for half an hour already!
People I was in that spot FOR FOUR HOURS! For effing boring hours in which I got to observe drunk men air hump the guard rail, lots of people smoking, and even a trucker peeing! Needless to say I was very stressed out and over emotional when i got home at 5 in the AM when i should have been home by 1 am. Yeah I drove by the spot today and it had only taken me two minutes to get there today as opposed to the four hours yesterday. GAH! I am not really sure what happened, but it involved a big rig (18 wheeler) going over the side of a miniature cliff. Sad Day!
21 Things I have accomplished in 21 years:
1. Basic (and complex) motors functions (walking running etc)
2. Graduated high school and am in college
3. Learned how to drive and bought my own car
4. Lived on my own for a few months (and moved back to mommy hahaha but shh)
5. Earned FOUR varsity letters (Band, Colorguard, Golf, Swim)
6. Traveled out of country (France, Switzerland and Mexico)
7. Witnessed a sunset over an ocean
8. Taken a moonlight stroll with friends
9. Volunteered in an organization I can truly support (Miracle League)
10. Cut my own hair!
11. Performed on a stage and abroad (Thank you Encore! Also i was Zaneeta in the Music Man in middle school)
12. Went camping with just me and one other person..in a tent...with a fractured elbow
13. I Fractured my elbow...it was a minor fracture but still!
14. Got to say goodbye to my grandfather 5 minutes before he passed.
15. Seen enough of nature's beauty to know there is a God
16. I have found Faith and what it means to have it
17. I have loved and hurt for it, but I have learned what love is
18. I have gone parasailing
19. I have learned that there is ALWAYS something to smile about.
20. I have touched a shark
21. I have learned that I have a whole lot more to learn
21 Things I wish to accomplish in the next 21 years:
1. Get married...any takers ;)
2. Finish school...and work in a career that I went to school for
3. Have kids...not a ridiculous amount...but 5 would do.
4. Go to Ireland...and spend like a month (or longer) there
5. Watch the sunrise and the sunset in the same day.
6. Learn an instrument other than voice
7. Cook more
8. Never get another cavity
9. Keep at a healthy weight in proportion to my height and age (starting...NOW)
10. Never go a day without smiling
11. Better someone else's life by doing something completely selfless and unplanned
12. Learn and drive a motorcycle
13. Get a tattoo
14. Create something (other than a lifeform)
15. Develop superpowers (yes I CAN have that as a goal)
16. Go to Disneyland at LEAST once a year.
17. Maintain a close relationship with my family and friends
18. Finally burn that place to the ground (if you know what I am talking about....you know I will one day!)
19. Live to see this world turn for the better
20. Inspire hope and faith in others
21. Get busy living or get busy dying
That people is all for now. Goodnight!
I feel like a High Schooler
I was blog stalking and found this cute quiz that I stole from Lacey Sander's blog and decided to put it on mine! Enjoy!
1.) What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Technically? My finger....I was biting my nails *gasp* but foodwise it was milk and caramel cake that the people at work bought me for my birthday! YUM...day old cake!
2.)Name someone who made you laugh today?
My sister Erica, she made me laugh when she commented on a well wisher's post on my facebook wall. They wished me an "epic" birthday and Erica said I did....knowing I spent the whole evening in traffic hahaha
3.)How late did you stay up last night and why?
I stayed up until 5am! I was stuck in traffic on my way home from work because of a HUGE accident blocking the two lane highway!
4.) Ever been kissed under the fireworks?
Actually no. I have only really begun (within the last few months) to recieve a kiss on an almost daily basis...somehow we have missed the fireworks opportunity. And besides I think i would want to watch the show...I am too ADD
5.)Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Technically Robert and Zach are both tied hahaha they live like two minutes away from me!
6.) How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
I used to despise it, but lately I have grown accustomed to it. It still tastes odd though.
7.) When was the last time you cried really hard?
This morning when I got home and called my boss to let him know I had just gotten home after the accident...and he made me come into work..i was emotional and stressed and just bawled until I passed out
8.) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Myself last night after about three hours of sitting in the same spot in traffic....I was really bored.
9.) Was yesterday better than today?
Believe it or not...I actually enjoyed yesterday more...including the traffic haha
10.)Can you live a day without TV?
I actually have been living without tv for sometime now...well without it on a daily basis
11.)Are you upset about anything?
Not really at this moment.
12.)Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes actually. My current one is definitely worth it. ;) We have been through a lot already!
13.)Night out or night in?
Night in...night outs are fun, but I rather miss when Robert and I would just watch episodes of Firefly at his house.
14.)What items could you not go without during the day?
My cell phone. When missing I feel it's presence...like that limb I am missing or something. I think i need rehab
15.) Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My grandma like two years ago when she got her hip replacement surgery.
16.)What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"You offline again, I have to go though so I will see you tomorrow."- Robert Livingston via facebook
17.) Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
I would only be positive for the drug of pure awesomeness! ...but really I would pass.
18.)What do you miss?
There there aren't many things I do miss...but there are too many people to write down haha
19.) What song is stuck in your head?
Rock Your Body...I was singing it to the puppy when I was petting him...it randomly has been in my head all day.
20.)Someone knocks on your window at 2:00am. Who do you want it to be?
Obviously Robert....but at the same time I kinda want it to be Gerard Butler....bahahahaha
21.) Do you want to have grandkids before your 50?
Well if I have a few kids by the time I am 30 than at 50 they would be in their 20s...so yeah I am comfortable with the notion of having grandkids than..
22.) Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Ace my sociology exam...which i should be studying for...
1.) What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Technically? My finger....I was biting my nails *gasp* but foodwise it was milk and caramel cake that the people at work bought me for my birthday! YUM...day old cake!
2.)Name someone who made you laugh today?
My sister Erica, she made me laugh when she commented on a well wisher's post on my facebook wall. They wished me an "epic" birthday and Erica said I did....knowing I spent the whole evening in traffic hahaha
3.)How late did you stay up last night and why?
I stayed up until 5am! I was stuck in traffic on my way home from work because of a HUGE accident blocking the two lane highway!
4.) Ever been kissed under the fireworks?
Actually no. I have only really begun (within the last few months) to recieve a kiss on an almost daily basis...somehow we have missed the fireworks opportunity. And besides I think i would want to watch the show...I am too ADD
5.)Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Technically Robert and Zach are both tied hahaha they live like two minutes away from me!
6.) How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
I used to despise it, but lately I have grown accustomed to it. It still tastes odd though.
7.) When was the last time you cried really hard?
This morning when I got home and called my boss to let him know I had just gotten home after the accident...and he made me come into work..i was emotional and stressed and just bawled until I passed out
8.) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Myself last night after about three hours of sitting in the same spot in traffic....I was really bored.
9.) Was yesterday better than today?
Believe it or not...I actually enjoyed yesterday more...including the traffic haha
10.)Can you live a day without TV?
I actually have been living without tv for sometime now...well without it on a daily basis
11.)Are you upset about anything?
Not really at this moment.
12.)Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes actually. My current one is definitely worth it. ;) We have been through a lot already!
13.)Night out or night in?
Night in...night outs are fun, but I rather miss when Robert and I would just watch episodes of Firefly at his house.
14.)What items could you not go without during the day?
My cell phone. When missing I feel it's presence...like that limb I am missing or something. I think i need rehab
15.) Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My grandma like two years ago when she got her hip replacement surgery.
16.)What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"You offline again, I have to go though so I will see you tomorrow."- Robert Livingston via facebook
17.) Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
I would only be positive for the drug of pure awesomeness! ...but really I would pass.
18.)What do you miss?
There there aren't many things I do miss...but there are too many people to write down haha
19.) What song is stuck in your head?
Rock Your Body...I was singing it to the puppy when I was petting him...it randomly has been in my head all day.
20.)Someone knocks on your window at 2:00am. Who do you want it to be?
Obviously Robert....but at the same time I kinda want it to be Gerard Butler....bahahahaha
21.) Do you want to have grandkids before your 50?
Well if I have a few kids by the time I am 30 than at 50 they would be in their 20s...so yeah I am comfortable with the notion of having grandkids than..
22.) Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Ace my sociology exam...which i should be studying for...
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Push Push Baby
So I haven't wanted to press any marriage talk or anything like that with Robert, I mean we have been dating for three months and everything and it is a bit early, but at the same time I feel like we probably need to figure out what direction we want to take our relationship in. This doesn't just stem from the fact that EVERYONE asks me how serious he and I are, but I guess I just want to figure out how invested either of us are in this relationship. It isn't like I am saying we have to get married by this or this date or engaged or whatever, but I what I am saying is we need to figure out if that would be a road we both feel could be taken. I know both of us are in financial situations (He is getting a car and I am paying off some debts) but I have never believed that those things could prevent talking from happening.
Today was a really taxing day on me. Robert and I got up early this morning and drove to St. George for my doctor's appointment and from there drove straight to Vegas so I could make it to my class on time. As it turns out the teacher wasn't even there! We just turned in our work, signed a sign in sheet and left. It was nice to get the extra time with Robert, and we even saw Mrs. Brough (Zach's mom) there on campus and even got to hang out with Zach a bit before their photoshop class. Robert and I left campus after awhile and drove around looking for food when we found a *musical fanfare* PIZZA HUT! Yeah we got a large pizza, two waters, and headed to the Woofter Family Park and had ourselves a picnic, complete with a blanket and a tree to sit under! It was really fun to just do something simple like that with him. Later we headed to the Charleston campus where it was Robert's turn to learn. I just farted around in the computer lab and talked to my mother via facebook for an hour or so. I also was looking up things about LDS and Non-LDS marriages....embarassingly enough Robert caught me!!!! I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights hahaha but whatever.
On the way home my engine light turned on and so tomorrow I get to venture to Robert's house to have his dad use this machine thingy to figure out what is wrong with it....OH JOY! More money to spend fixing my car.....UGH! Hopefully though ym car is not in the final stages of it's life because I really REALLY can NOT afford to buy a new car right now. I mean there are some cheap ones (okay so like almost seven grand) down at the car lot, but I don't even really have money to put down right now on a car to lessen the payments. Maybe my parents will sell me their truck???? PSSSH AS IF!
(CAUTION OF NEXT SECTION...LITTLE ONES DO NOT READ)
So oddly enough (and just let it be known that Robert and I have not had sex) Robert and I ended up finding out that we agree on certain sexual terms (i.e. oral/ anal sex). Let me tell you it was a relief to find out that he and I are on the same page. I won't give you the details of what was said, but I think that we both felt better knowing that that will never be an issue or a difference of opinion. I really think it is important to discuss with one's partner where they stand on certain matters...even if they are rather uncomfortable...I mean he is the first guy I have talked to this about, but let me tell you it was a big help! I should probably share more things like that with him though bahahahaha
Oh and we decided that we are above the "scented candles" gift phase of our relationship...whatever the next level is I have no clue but at least we are past the "I really like you" phase bahahaha of course technically we left that like....last month... Just saying.
Today was a really taxing day on me. Robert and I got up early this morning and drove to St. George for my doctor's appointment and from there drove straight to Vegas so I could make it to my class on time. As it turns out the teacher wasn't even there! We just turned in our work, signed a sign in sheet and left. It was nice to get the extra time with Robert, and we even saw Mrs. Brough (Zach's mom) there on campus and even got to hang out with Zach a bit before their photoshop class. Robert and I left campus after awhile and drove around looking for food when we found a *musical fanfare* PIZZA HUT! Yeah we got a large pizza, two waters, and headed to the Woofter Family Park and had ourselves a picnic, complete with a blanket and a tree to sit under! It was really fun to just do something simple like that with him. Later we headed to the Charleston campus where it was Robert's turn to learn. I just farted around in the computer lab and talked to my mother via facebook for an hour or so. I also was looking up things about LDS and Non-LDS marriages....embarassingly enough Robert caught me!!!! I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights hahaha but whatever.
On the way home my engine light turned on and so tomorrow I get to venture to Robert's house to have his dad use this machine thingy to figure out what is wrong with it....OH JOY! More money to spend fixing my car.....UGH! Hopefully though ym car is not in the final stages of it's life because I really REALLY can NOT afford to buy a new car right now. I mean there are some cheap ones (okay so like almost seven grand) down at the car lot, but I don't even really have money to put down right now on a car to lessen the payments. Maybe my parents will sell me their truck???? PSSSH AS IF!
(CAUTION OF NEXT SECTION...LITTLE ONES DO NOT READ)
So oddly enough (and just let it be known that Robert and I have not had sex) Robert and I ended up finding out that we agree on certain sexual terms (i.e. oral/ anal sex). Let me tell you it was a relief to find out that he and I are on the same page. I won't give you the details of what was said, but I think that we both felt better knowing that that will never be an issue or a difference of opinion. I really think it is important to discuss with one's partner where they stand on certain matters...even if they are rather uncomfortable...I mean he is the first guy I have talked to this about, but let me tell you it was a big help! I should probably share more things like that with him though bahahahaha
Oh and we decided that we are above the "scented candles" gift phase of our relationship...whatever the next level is I have no clue but at least we are past the "I really like you" phase bahahaha of course technically we left that like....last month... Just saying.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Crafty Little Witch
Yes people...I will admit...I actually do like to do artsy crafty things. In fact, i am quite handy with a sewing machine. When my friend Jenny and I lived together I sewed the curtains we had in our house and I have hemmed a few pants for some guys before ( the pants were too long) and when Jenny got married I helped make some of the decorations and I ironed the tablecloths. Now the irnoing thing I actually enjoy and I used to iron my dad's clothes when I was in middle school each morning before he went to work. But anyways I enjoy making things and coming up with cute craft ideas. I only wish now that I had a sewing machine or materials in which I could craft.
I am wanting to revamp my wardrobe, but with my budget it isn't really possible for me to go out and buy new clothes and since I have a ton I don't wear and don't really like how they look now I kind of want to change them up a bit or even create whole new pieces! Also I kind of need to start working on my halloween costume because I only have a month to do so and trust me....when you hand make them time flies! I would post up and say what it is but Robert reads this blog and I don't want him to know hahahaha he kind of knows what it is going to be but at the same time he doesn't! MUAHAHAHAHAHA I like not sharing that hahaha hopefully he doesn't find out before!
I have been bugging out lately though because I haven't been able to reach Barbara to talk to her like I normally can, but I think she might be busy....who knows? I would write more but I have a TON of stuff to do for class tomorrow....yeah I have to be in St. George by 9:15 (NV) am and somehow make it to class on time at 12:30 (NV) pm for history. I will be driving straight to Vegas from St. George....oi! Hopefully Robert can help keep me awake because I don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. :(
I am wanting to revamp my wardrobe, but with my budget it isn't really possible for me to go out and buy new clothes and since I have a ton I don't wear and don't really like how they look now I kind of want to change them up a bit or even create whole new pieces! Also I kind of need to start working on my halloween costume because I only have a month to do so and trust me....when you hand make them time flies! I would post up and say what it is but Robert reads this blog and I don't want him to know hahahaha he kind of knows what it is going to be but at the same time he doesn't! MUAHAHAHAHAHA I like not sharing that hahaha hopefully he doesn't find out before!
I have been bugging out lately though because I haven't been able to reach Barbara to talk to her like I normally can, but I think she might be busy....who knows? I would write more but I have a TON of stuff to do for class tomorrow....yeah I have to be in St. George by 9:15 (NV) am and somehow make it to class on time at 12:30 (NV) pm for history. I will be driving straight to Vegas from St. George....oi! Hopefully Robert can help keep me awake because I don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. :(
Friday, September 24, 2010
I feel...
I am working on paying off some debts that I have financially. I have payed when I could and have been trying hard not to create any new debt. Through all of the things I have been stuggling with I still feel this overwhelming urge to serve a mission. I have mainly been depressed lately because I had hoped and really planned on being gone by my birthday or at least within a few weeks of leaving, but I am not. Don't get me wrong I am incredibly happy, but I know I am going to regret not going. I don't regret anything I have done or experienced these past few months and I definitely don't regret getting into a relationship with Robert.
I suppose this is why I am torn. I have this urge and desire to go, but at the same time I don't think I can leave what I have behind.
This is very perplexing and does not make for good sleeping...
...but I think we all know that I am going to remain on this current path for now. Can't dream big until i fix the financial mess I am in.
I suppose this is why I am torn. I have this urge and desire to go, but at the same time I don't think I can leave what I have behind.
This is very perplexing and does not make for good sleeping...
...but I think we all know that I am going to remain on this current path for now. Can't dream big until i fix the financial mess I am in.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
In one Week
I TURN TWENTY ONE IN ONE WEEK!
I mean it has come up so fast upon me and I simply don't know what to do! I am not as excited as I was, but I think I am a bit in panic mode. I mean...shouldn't my life have a direction by now? Shouldn't I be.....idk.... doing something other than what I have been doing?
Compared to last year though my life is in a better place. I have an amazing family who cares about me, a wonderful boyfriend, and several true friends. I even have a job in this crappy economy. I feel as though life is in a good place, but Idk I feel like I should have accomplished something big by now.
I mean it has come up so fast upon me and I simply don't know what to do! I am not as excited as I was, but I think I am a bit in panic mode. I mean...shouldn't my life have a direction by now? Shouldn't I be.....idk.... doing something other than what I have been doing?
Compared to last year though my life is in a better place. I have an amazing family who cares about me, a wonderful boyfriend, and several true friends. I even have a job in this crappy economy. I feel as though life is in a good place, but Idk I feel like I should have accomplished something big by now.
My Messed Up Masochistic Self
I just read EVERY facebook message I EVER received from someone....and let me tell you it was NOT what the Dr. ordered! I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was just to prove to myself that that moment of my life actually did occur and that I wasn't the only one who said things or did things. Do you know how hard it is to read rejection? AGAIN?! And I did it to myself....AGAIN for the second time in two years! My heart broke all over again when I read "well ... i love you but i can't keep having these mixed thoughts about you i didn't even want to tell you mainly because i knew it would upset you " and "ya.... like i had a lot of thoughts that your not the one for me then i kept ignoring those thoughts and i began to be unsure. This has happened when i first started dating you too"
Someone please tell me why these things are what sticks with us for such a long time. It has gotten less painful and sharp over time and I have been able to open my heart up for someone else, but I still ache. To plan a life with someone only to have THE ABOVE thrown at you out of nowhere is just....let's just say I was in a dark DARK place for a long LONG time. In six short months I will be facing the cause of this heartache once again. I don't know what is going to happen and I don't know how exactly I feel about it all. For so long he was my favorite form of drug and what is worse is that he encouraged it! I mean....we ahd EVERYTHING planned out...all the details of our life and BAM out of nowhere I get blindsided.
...and people wonder why I am insecure in relationships and why I don't put much stick into when people say what they feel for me. Actions to me speak so much louder than words. I was won over by words and ignored the actions that spoke opposite of what the words were saying. I trusted words and promises that never came true, while the actions caused the unfulfilled promises. Even now....after so long I still have yet to see any promises or words turn into actions. I gave up and I moved on, but I am sad that the friendship we built and cultivated has been sidelined. At the same time our friendship is what started this all.
You might be wondering why I am bringing this up when I have a boyfriend? Let me tell you (and Robert if you are reading this know that it is YOU that I love!)...I have struggled on and off with this whole thing for awhile. I (as most in this situation would...I have asked and have been validated) have compared the one guy with another.
*GASP*
I know right? For shame! It isn't like I made a pros and cons list in my head or on paper. I just went with gut instinct. I had my heart set on waiting for this guy to come home to confront him and see where things led, but than this other guy (and we all know who he is ;D) inadvertantly helped me to see that I could actually have someone a billion times better than the first guy. My eyes ( and heart) were opened to the possibility of someone else filling the space set aside and labeled "Love" The day I realized I was truly over the first guy was on an impromptu trip to Vegas with Robert. YAYAYA...I KNOW....that day? Let me tell you.....that whole day not ONCE did I think of anything other than "How can I spend more time with this guy and avoid going home?" I mean we just walked and talked.....a whole lot and about nothing and everything and not once did my ming wander down paths other than the ones I was traveling with him. I realized that it was in fact EASY and not at all any time of work to be in this guy's presence. I mean we weren't even going out and I enjoyed spending a large amount of time with just him! With the other guy I had to try to keep things lively.
To put it simply and possibly not to nicely (don't get me wrong the other guy is a sweet guy), Robert treats me better. In fact he treats me better than any other guy I know...and this was before and especially after we started dating.
Now I suppose you are going "Well Nadia if Robert is so amazing what is the problem?"
My response is "Did I say there was a problem?"
Go back and read....I clearly state that I L-O-V-E Robert...that's right....I said "LOVE"....sure yes the other guy is on my mind, but mainly because I am a reflective person....but that in no way means I am going to even let him have a chance...he had his and he threw it away. Sure yes I was sad about it for a long time, and yes reading those words did hurt, but I still get butt hurt about Johnathon Rodriguez rejecting me in middle school because I was "too smart."
I happen to be a sensitive person and I tend to carry things with me forever. GOOD OR BAD!
Someone please tell me why these things are what sticks with us for such a long time. It has gotten less painful and sharp over time and I have been able to open my heart up for someone else, but I still ache. To plan a life with someone only to have THE ABOVE thrown at you out of nowhere is just....let's just say I was in a dark DARK place for a long LONG time. In six short months I will be facing the cause of this heartache once again. I don't know what is going to happen and I don't know how exactly I feel about it all. For so long he was my favorite form of drug and what is worse is that he encouraged it! I mean....we ahd EVERYTHING planned out...all the details of our life and BAM out of nowhere I get blindsided.
...and people wonder why I am insecure in relationships and why I don't put much stick into when people say what they feel for me. Actions to me speak so much louder than words. I was won over by words and ignored the actions that spoke opposite of what the words were saying. I trusted words and promises that never came true, while the actions caused the unfulfilled promises. Even now....after so long I still have yet to see any promises or words turn into actions. I gave up and I moved on, but I am sad that the friendship we built and cultivated has been sidelined. At the same time our friendship is what started this all.
You might be wondering why I am bringing this up when I have a boyfriend? Let me tell you (and Robert if you are reading this know that it is YOU that I love!)...I have struggled on and off with this whole thing for awhile. I (as most in this situation would...I have asked and have been validated) have compared the one guy with another.
*GASP*
I know right? For shame! It isn't like I made a pros and cons list in my head or on paper. I just went with gut instinct. I had my heart set on waiting for this guy to come home to confront him and see where things led, but than this other guy (and we all know who he is ;D) inadvertantly helped me to see that I could actually have someone a billion times better than the first guy. My eyes ( and heart) were opened to the possibility of someone else filling the space set aside and labeled "Love" The day I realized I was truly over the first guy was on an impromptu trip to Vegas with Robert. YAYAYA...I KNOW....that day? Let me tell you.....that whole day not ONCE did I think of anything other than "How can I spend more time with this guy and avoid going home?" I mean we just walked and talked.....a whole lot and about nothing and everything and not once did my ming wander down paths other than the ones I was traveling with him. I realized that it was in fact EASY and not at all any time of work to be in this guy's presence. I mean we weren't even going out and I enjoyed spending a large amount of time with just him! With the other guy I had to try to keep things lively.
To put it simply and possibly not to nicely (don't get me wrong the other guy is a sweet guy), Robert treats me better. In fact he treats me better than any other guy I know...and this was before and especially after we started dating.
Now I suppose you are going "Well Nadia if Robert is so amazing what is the problem?"
My response is "Did I say there was a problem?"
Go back and read....I clearly state that I L-O-V-E Robert...that's right....I said "LOVE"....sure yes the other guy is on my mind, but mainly because I am a reflective person....but that in no way means I am going to even let him have a chance...he had his and he threw it away. Sure yes I was sad about it for a long time, and yes reading those words did hurt, but I still get butt hurt about Johnathon Rodriguez rejecting me in middle school because I was "too smart."
I happen to be a sensitive person and I tend to carry things with me forever. GOOD OR BAD!
I Believe...
I believe in the convenants I made almost three years ago when I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that I have fallen away a bit, but my lack of faith has not or ever will be with the doctrine on the church. It is with the people that I find fault. I love all that the gospel as brought me and although I don't feel the same, my testimony of it's truths have never faltered. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet called of God and I know that Thomas S. Monson is one today. I know that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father live and that they love me even when I have neglected my love for them.
This is what I have been pondering lately. Almost every spare thought has gone into that above statement. Yes it is unsual, but no it is not uncommon.
This is what I have been pondering lately. Almost every spare thought has gone into that above statement. Yes it is unsual, but no it is not uncommon.
Like Venus and Mars
Tonight reminded me of how I felt a year ago. I was living in Provo and I was miserable even though I really didn't have a reason to be. I just wanted to start over somewhere where no one knew me or knew how to find me. I packed my things in the car and was heading North towards Idaho and than from there I had no idea where I was going to go. I just figured I would stop when I got into some quaint mountain town or something and than live there.
Those feelings came back to me tonight. I see myself stuck in this Valley and while I have good reasons to stay, I feel trapped. I was sitting at the reservoir near my house and I was just listening to the crickets and the feeling the light breeze on me and I thought "Man this is what I want" I want some place quiet and cut off from the world. Some place where I don't have to worry about people or the stresses of life. I want to be the author who lives a secluded life on some quiet lake in a cabin writing and drinking a cup of tea. Sure I would get visits form my family and I would visit them, but outside of the occasional one I would have solitude. Now for those who know me, they might be shocked that this social butterfly would be rejecting society in the social sense, but in reality I am content by myself and I don't need frequent social calls to make me feel happy. I do though know that I would miss the companionship that Robert provides, as well as, Zach and yes...even Katie. If I could take them with me (providing they would come) I would in a heartbeat.
Sometimes I feel like Robert and I are the opposite sides of a coin but at the same time we are the same side. I don't see him as much with school and work now, but we talk everyday. It just isn't the same as when I am with him in person. I love him and I am constantly astounded by his love for me. I honestly don't know how I got him or how he even fell in love with me! I smile all the time when I think of him and seeing him makes me smile inside. My word when he kisses me I feel like I am going to burst into flame! I am happy.
Oh right! Ultimate tonight was pretty fun. I showed up and there were a TON of people there and so I walked up and noticed Breanna sitting on the sidelines so I sat with her. We both weren't playing because with that many people we never get passed to so we figured we would wait til people left. It was fun just sitting and talking with her and musing over who was there. I haven't really talked to her in awhile and it was fantastic just goofing off with her! When we started to play we came up with these weird animal calls we would send to each other to let each other know we were open. She did this weird Ostrich call and I would go "CA CAW" and even flap my arms a bit. Everyone looked at us like we were on something, but I think they were just jealous they couldn't pull it off as cool as we did! I did enjoy myself tonight and I even managed to be civil with Charlie (who BTW has recently apologized for his behavior of late). Overall it wasn't a bad night. I got to see Robert and Zach and I was sad to leave them, but they both had things to do. I even got to eat dinner with my family tonight! HUZZAH!
School is going well although I am starting to realize that people in general are a lot dumber than I originally believed. Maybe it's just that I have a higher intelligence (yes people I am actually smarter than I appear...graduated high school with HONORS), but I am beginning to think that the de-evolution of humanity is really starting to show. I am enjoying what I am learning though and I am learning quite well to not give incredulous looks when someone says something completely idiotic. My eye still twitches though, but I don't really believe that can be helped.
Those feelings came back to me tonight. I see myself stuck in this Valley and while I have good reasons to stay, I feel trapped. I was sitting at the reservoir near my house and I was just listening to the crickets and the feeling the light breeze on me and I thought "Man this is what I want" I want some place quiet and cut off from the world. Some place where I don't have to worry about people or the stresses of life. I want to be the author who lives a secluded life on some quiet lake in a cabin writing and drinking a cup of tea. Sure I would get visits form my family and I would visit them, but outside of the occasional one I would have solitude. Now for those who know me, they might be shocked that this social butterfly would be rejecting society in the social sense, but in reality I am content by myself and I don't need frequent social calls to make me feel happy. I do though know that I would miss the companionship that Robert provides, as well as, Zach and yes...even Katie. If I could take them with me (providing they would come) I would in a heartbeat.
Sometimes I feel like Robert and I are the opposite sides of a coin but at the same time we are the same side. I don't see him as much with school and work now, but we talk everyday. It just isn't the same as when I am with him in person. I love him and I am constantly astounded by his love for me. I honestly don't know how I got him or how he even fell in love with me! I smile all the time when I think of him and seeing him makes me smile inside. My word when he kisses me I feel like I am going to burst into flame! I am happy.
Oh right! Ultimate tonight was pretty fun. I showed up and there were a TON of people there and so I walked up and noticed Breanna sitting on the sidelines so I sat with her. We both weren't playing because with that many people we never get passed to so we figured we would wait til people left. It was fun just sitting and talking with her and musing over who was there. I haven't really talked to her in awhile and it was fantastic just goofing off with her! When we started to play we came up with these weird animal calls we would send to each other to let each other know we were open. She did this weird Ostrich call and I would go "CA CAW" and even flap my arms a bit. Everyone looked at us like we were on something, but I think they were just jealous they couldn't pull it off as cool as we did! I did enjoy myself tonight and I even managed to be civil with Charlie (who BTW has recently apologized for his behavior of late). Overall it wasn't a bad night. I got to see Robert and Zach and I was sad to leave them, but they both had things to do. I even got to eat dinner with my family tonight! HUZZAH!
School is going well although I am starting to realize that people in general are a lot dumber than I originally believed. Maybe it's just that I have a higher intelligence (yes people I am actually smarter than I appear...graduated high school with HONORS), but I am beginning to think that the de-evolution of humanity is really starting to show. I am enjoying what I am learning though and I am learning quite well to not give incredulous looks when someone says something completely idiotic. My eye still twitches though, but I don't really believe that can be helped.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
What I did for love.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just curl up in a ball and lay for til the world finally ends. I try and try to hide and put on a brave face and act like I am happy and fine but the truth is I would rather just not step outside of my room anymore. I don't want to go out and play or go out and study or go out and work. It is an effort just to get up in the morning, let alone outside of my room. I am trying so hard to be this happy person and to just...be normal. I wish sometimes people would look past my smile and just see the emptiness in it.
Tonight everyone is going and playing ultimate and I am going to go but I don't think I am going to play. I might just watch from a distance. I will post later the night's events.
Tonight everyone is going and playing ultimate and I am going to go but I don't think I am going to play. I might just watch from a distance. I will post later the night's events.
Monday, September 20, 2010
My own subconscious
Lately I have been having problems sleeping, mainly because I should be on meds but have been too cheap to buy them, but there is a deeper problem as to why I am not sleeping. Something is troubling my soul. Well two things actually. One is my struggle with where I am in regards to the Church and the second is in regards to where I am in my heart.
I have been dealing with something for about a year now. A decision I have to make concerning church and where I stand. I am not going to detail it here, but it is something I am losing sleep over and getting really depressed about. I feel a great deal of sadness and I know that there are only two solutions to it. I either bear it up and continue on the path I "should" be taking....or I simply don't. It is hard because no matter what I decide there are a ton of people around me who will suffer and I can't be responsible for the ones I love suffering. It would kill me. I still have faith and I still believe, but it isn't the same as it once was. It has changed and in a good way, I believe. My priorities in life have changed. I don't strive to be what other's think I should be. I am striving to be all I can be. My goals for life are not necessarily the goals that the church has for me. I suppose by posting this I may get into some trouble, but I am at least being honest about it. I can't pretend anymore. I can't act as if I am happy. Sure some could say I am too blame for this, that I haven't been trying hard enough to succeed in Church. That I haven't been applying my faith dilligently enough, and I admit that recently I haven't. But a year ago I did. I did and was doing EVERYTHING I was supposed to be doing. Reading my scriptures, praying daily, attending church, paying tithing, the works....and when things kept getting worse it was either "trials to test my faith" or "I am not applying myself hard enough". I am trying and have been trying. I just wonder when the trials will end. Seems like everyone else doesn't have as many as I have recieved. I mean people have actually told me that I seem to have above average trials. Why is that?
The second thing keeping me awake at night is my heart. With everything I am so confused. I dream and I see one person, but than they become another, and than they become a hybrid of the two and their names change and the situation is always the same. One person starts more in my dreams than the other and I hate going to sleep because I wake up and feel guilty and I think "why am i dreaming of them?" I have searched deep and I know I don't feel the same about that person, but I keep second guessing myself. I am scared for a few months from now. I don't know what to expect and that terrifies me. I worry all the time about what will happen and what I will do.
I have been dealing with something for about a year now. A decision I have to make concerning church and where I stand. I am not going to detail it here, but it is something I am losing sleep over and getting really depressed about. I feel a great deal of sadness and I know that there are only two solutions to it. I either bear it up and continue on the path I "should" be taking....or I simply don't. It is hard because no matter what I decide there are a ton of people around me who will suffer and I can't be responsible for the ones I love suffering. It would kill me. I still have faith and I still believe, but it isn't the same as it once was. It has changed and in a good way, I believe. My priorities in life have changed. I don't strive to be what other's think I should be. I am striving to be all I can be. My goals for life are not necessarily the goals that the church has for me. I suppose by posting this I may get into some trouble, but I am at least being honest about it. I can't pretend anymore. I can't act as if I am happy. Sure some could say I am too blame for this, that I haven't been trying hard enough to succeed in Church. That I haven't been applying my faith dilligently enough, and I admit that recently I haven't. But a year ago I did. I did and was doing EVERYTHING I was supposed to be doing. Reading my scriptures, praying daily, attending church, paying tithing, the works....and when things kept getting worse it was either "trials to test my faith" or "I am not applying myself hard enough". I am trying and have been trying. I just wonder when the trials will end. Seems like everyone else doesn't have as many as I have recieved. I mean people have actually told me that I seem to have above average trials. Why is that?
The second thing keeping me awake at night is my heart. With everything I am so confused. I dream and I see one person, but than they become another, and than they become a hybrid of the two and their names change and the situation is always the same. One person starts more in my dreams than the other and I hate going to sleep because I wake up and feel guilty and I think "why am i dreaming of them?" I have searched deep and I know I don't feel the same about that person, but I keep second guessing myself. I am scared for a few months from now. I don't know what to expect and that terrifies me. I worry all the time about what will happen and what I will do.
The Polygamists Wet Dream
Interestingly enough I am apparently a Polygamists dream. Something about me makes them (the males) look at me and think "hmmm...she would make a good wife....maybe a second or a third or even *gasp* a first!" Well at least that is what I am starting to think now. They come through the drive thru at work and are always courteous and nice (well for the most part) and I am always nice back and I smile and make sure their order is right (but of course I do this for everyone) and than I move one. Normally we don't interact outside of order/ money taking, but today was completely different. Here is the actual (well what I can remember) account of how TWO seperate polygamist men hit on me with their wives in the car:
POLYGAMIST 1
He came to my window after ordering chicken nuggets...50 of them...and when he pulled up his wife (one of them probably the first wife) handed him a twenty doller bill and some really random change that slipped out of his hand when he handed me the money. Of course coins go everywhere and I run around inside the store trying to stop them from rolling and I am picking them up and apologizing while blushing really badly. He just laughed and told me not to worry about it and said I could keep the change as a tip. I promptly stopped coin collecting and punched in the twenty. The whole time I was getting his change he kept telling me how great my eyes were and that I had the cutest smile. He kept using my name and asking me questions about myself and he even asked if I was single. (Thank goodness I could honestly answer "no")!
His wife didn't seem to happy and was giving me the stink eye from the front seat, but the other young woman in the back was waving at me and smiling and she even passed along some questions too....it was so weird that they were there on Sunday, but apparently they were on their way home from visiting some family in Moapa *gasp*!!!! If someone hadn't had come up to order food he would have sat there forever talking to me...as it was it took him like three minutes to leave my window....and that first 30 seconds he had already gotten his change. O_O
POLYGAMIST 2
Come rolling up to my window after ordering a caramel frappe (which has coffee). I didn't want to say anything thing but at least two of his wives were pregnant and coffee is sooooo not good for any child, especially those in utero....so I mentioned that people really were gaga over those iceblended coffe drinks (cuz they really are AMAZING) and the shock on their faces were priceless. He didn't believe that they had coffee and I told him that they did and I mentioned that coffee wasn't healthy for unborn babies and he looked so flabberghasted and than he asked if I was LDS...like out of nowhere asked me that and although i haven't been in awhile I said that I am a member and he just smiled really big at me. His wife in the front asked if she could have a smoothie instead and they all ended up changing their order! He kept smiling and he mentioned that I was a sweet girl and very nice looking and he was "amazed" that I wasn't already married. He asked if I lived around where I worked and how long I was going to be working for that evening.....which kinda creeped me out so I said I lived about an hour south and I was closing that evening.
Yeah that is my story on how two polygamist men found me reasonably interesting...you know...for a woman...and one not of their faith. I am seriously so grateful that I am dating Robert...hahaha I tell guys all the time that I am either married, engaged, or taken....it is so much nicer to turn guys down when I have a valid reason to....and what is with them now being interested with me dating someone, but when I was single I hardle ever even went on dates?!
POLYGAMIST 1
He came to my window after ordering chicken nuggets...50 of them...and when he pulled up his wife (one of them probably the first wife) handed him a twenty doller bill and some really random change that slipped out of his hand when he handed me the money. Of course coins go everywhere and I run around inside the store trying to stop them from rolling and I am picking them up and apologizing while blushing really badly. He just laughed and told me not to worry about it and said I could keep the change as a tip. I promptly stopped coin collecting and punched in the twenty. The whole time I was getting his change he kept telling me how great my eyes were and that I had the cutest smile. He kept using my name and asking me questions about myself and he even asked if I was single. (Thank goodness I could honestly answer "no")!
His wife didn't seem to happy and was giving me the stink eye from the front seat, but the other young woman in the back was waving at me and smiling and she even passed along some questions too....it was so weird that they were there on Sunday, but apparently they were on their way home from visiting some family in Moapa *gasp*!!!! If someone hadn't had come up to order food he would have sat there forever talking to me...as it was it took him like three minutes to leave my window....and that first 30 seconds he had already gotten his change. O_O
POLYGAMIST 2
Come rolling up to my window after ordering a caramel frappe (which has coffee). I didn't want to say anything thing but at least two of his wives were pregnant and coffee is sooooo not good for any child, especially those in utero....so I mentioned that people really were gaga over those iceblended coffe drinks (cuz they really are AMAZING) and the shock on their faces were priceless. He didn't believe that they had coffee and I told him that they did and I mentioned that coffee wasn't healthy for unborn babies and he looked so flabberghasted and than he asked if I was LDS...like out of nowhere asked me that and although i haven't been in awhile I said that I am a member and he just smiled really big at me. His wife in the front asked if she could have a smoothie instead and they all ended up changing their order! He kept smiling and he mentioned that I was a sweet girl and very nice looking and he was "amazed" that I wasn't already married. He asked if I lived around where I worked and how long I was going to be working for that evening.....which kinda creeped me out so I said I lived about an hour south and I was closing that evening.
Yeah that is my story on how two polygamist men found me reasonably interesting...you know...for a woman...and one not of their faith. I am seriously so grateful that I am dating Robert...hahaha I tell guys all the time that I am either married, engaged, or taken....it is so much nicer to turn guys down when I have a valid reason to....and what is with them now being interested with me dating someone, but when I was single I hardle ever even went on dates?!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
In My Defense...
I can't be held responsible for anything I do at...late/ early hours of the morning when I am hopped up on adrenaline, pain, and caffeine....like for instance writing ridiculous post on people's facebook walls proclaiming lesbionic love or thanking my mother for not eating me at birth. I can on the otherhand be blamed for agitating my elbow tonight by playing a wicked bad game of Ultimate Frisbee. Yeah I honestly think the ONE WEEK I had my arm in a splint really did nothing in promoting my minor fracture to heal considering I worked the entire time...but anyways lately since I have really been using it my elbow is no longer cooperating and must be bound with an ace bandage. Blasted elbow!
School is going well. If I could get my money back I would drop my Personal Finance class since the professor does not teach, but rather talks about how he "made it". Look it's cool that he is a millionaire and all, but I just want to learn what is in the book....since math is involved I need someone to teach me this accounting math. My other classes though are proving to be challenging in every good way imaginable. Can anyone say 7 to 8 page paper analyzing the movie A Beautiful Mind? SCORE!!!! Seriously this crap is what I came to school for! Challenge me and I will rise to the occasion! Of course is does make for interesting events having Robert there and Kenny as well. Next semester though I need to better plan my schedule....oh AND make sure to get Robert and I into ballroom....hopefully he forgets about me going into fencing....
Lately I have been contemplating my life and where I am at. Yes, that time has come where once a year i really REALLY reflect and often times I get depressed, but this year I am not going to let that happen. Sure I am living at home and I work minimum wage, but at least I have a family who will have me and with this economy I am blessed to have a job of any kind! I have a boyfriend who is amazing and I have friends who get me! What reason do I have to be upset or sad? No dear reader(s) I have no reason to complain. Money is tight and I have some things I have to pay off, but I am doing that to the best of my abilities and I am working on bettering myself. I am living the good old american dream of working hard for a better future! WOO HOO!
School is going well. If I could get my money back I would drop my Personal Finance class since the professor does not teach, but rather talks about how he "made it". Look it's cool that he is a millionaire and all, but I just want to learn what is in the book....since math is involved I need someone to teach me this accounting math. My other classes though are proving to be challenging in every good way imaginable. Can anyone say 7 to 8 page paper analyzing the movie A Beautiful Mind? SCORE!!!! Seriously this crap is what I came to school for! Challenge me and I will rise to the occasion! Of course is does make for interesting events having Robert there and Kenny as well. Next semester though I need to better plan my schedule....oh AND make sure to get Robert and I into ballroom....hopefully he forgets about me going into fencing....
Lately I have been contemplating my life and where I am at. Yes, that time has come where once a year i really REALLY reflect and often times I get depressed, but this year I am not going to let that happen. Sure I am living at home and I work minimum wage, but at least I have a family who will have me and with this economy I am blessed to have a job of any kind! I have a boyfriend who is amazing and I have friends who get me! What reason do I have to be upset or sad? No dear reader(s) I have no reason to complain. Money is tight and I have some things I have to pay off, but I am doing that to the best of my abilities and I am working on bettering myself. I am living the good old american dream of working hard for a better future! WOO HOO!
Friday, September 3, 2010
To My Lover..and NOT Robert...
That is right I have a lover and she is marvelously amazing. Her name is Barbara Becker and she rocks my world. We have been friends for about 5 years now and we have only gotten closer with each passing year. If you didn't know us you would think we were lesbians! (not that being a lesbian is a bad thing but we dig guys). We know everything about each other and we do so much for each other although at times I tend to get her to do the crazier things hahaha but anyways our friendship works and is amazing. In fact the other day she even supported me on a crazy whim I had and let me take pictures of her and pose her hahaha here are some of the photos.
So there you have it. I have SOME talent but I know I need more practice and a better camera. *sigh*
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| This one is my fav |
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| She struck a pose and I took it haha |
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| This pose in skinny jeans...not easy |
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| She was trying not to laugh hahaa |
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| She is stunning |
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Idiots in College
Yeah no joke I am surrounded by ignorant, uncultured, IDIOTS at school. I forgot how smart and intelligent I am and than there I was in history wanting to scream because people didn't know how many sentences go in a standard paragraph, why myths and legends exist, and what a primary source is! GAH! I just about had a brain aneurism. Now don't get me wrong, I have my blonde moments. Just today I thought it was Friday (wishful thinking) but at least I know how many sentences are in a paragraph (which btw it is 5 to 7). Hopefully my psychology and sociology classes will be filled with smart people who won't make my brain explode.
Went on a photoshoot today with Barbara and Robert. I didn't take as many pictures because it was too stinking hot out and we were all sweating like pigs! UGH! But she looked marvelous and the pictures I did get look pretty awesome. Robert and I were going to do something tonight but he just called me and said he has a ton of work to do. My voice sounded like this :) but my face was like this :(...yeah I am pretty bummed but whatever.
Went on a photoshoot today with Barbara and Robert. I didn't take as many pictures because it was too stinking hot out and we were all sweating like pigs! UGH! But she looked marvelous and the pictures I did get look pretty awesome. Robert and I were going to do something tonight but he just called me and said he has a ton of work to do. My voice sounded like this :) but my face was like this :(...yeah I am pretty bummed but whatever.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL
School starts tomorrow and I am going way crazy wanting to start already yet at the same time I am super excited to be going back again after a year of not being there. I am happy though that Robert and I have similar schedules and that we are going to be riding down to Vegas and stuff together. Life is looking pretty good.
I am going to be taking Us History 102, Personal Finance, Psychology 101, and Sociology 101. Pretty cool huh?
At work the other day this lady came in who looked like Pam from True Blood and there is a guy who comes in like every week and he looks like Hoyt. bahahaha I think I have True Blood fever when I am seeing everyone from it even though it isn't really the actors or the characters.
I am going to be taking Us History 102, Personal Finance, Psychology 101, and Sociology 101. Pretty cool huh?
At work the other day this lady came in who looked like Pam from True Blood and there is a guy who comes in like every week and he looks like Hoyt. bahahaha I think I have True Blood fever when I am seeing everyone from it even though it isn't really the actors or the characters.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Bad Time to Fart
This is the story of Erica and I's past life. See in fact we were born in different countries.
Erica (who was actually a african man named Eundabe) was born in a small African tribe in a remote northern village. He was the son of the village shaman, but rejected his father's teachings and prefered to follow the village comedian around recieving many hours of training in the arts of providing laughter. The only problem with Eundabe's training was that he could not hold his laughter in. It became a nuisance after a time and eventually it proved his downfall. During the Chief's daughter's wedding to a rival villages head warrior, Eundabe happened to overhear a funny comment and unable to control his laughter he unintentionally created an intervillage battle. Luckily for him he also had learned at an early age the art of hiding from various bullies, animals, and chores. When the battle was ended and the dust had settled Eundabe found that his entire village had been annihilated and when he wasn't looking he was caputred and sold into slavery. The family he was sold to treated him well, but they did not understand his sense of humor, so when the call for soldiers came the family was more than happy to hand Eundabe over to the army. He was thrown in to a troop filled with those who did not quite fit in with the others. Unfortunately the troop's training was very minimal since the trainers could not stand their awkwardness for very long, so at their first skirmish they failed to win and Eundabe had to rely on his ability to hide once again....
Nadia (an Englishman named Nicodemus Waddlesworth) was born in a sunny (well as sunny as it gets for England) English village to a salt merchant and his wife. Nico (as his mother so affectionately called him) grew up learning all about salt, even though he had a great disliking of the stuff (although the current Nadia LOVES salt). His fathe,r seeing Nicodemus would be useless in the salt business (You gotta love what you sell), forced Nicodemus to enlist in the army as soon as he was able to. Unfortunately after years of living surrounded by salt, poor Nicodemus always smelt heavily of salt, so he was thrown into the troop of misfits. He had never had a will to hurt anyone and he was somewhat afraid of conflict, so when the battle commenced he ultimately lied down and started at his pretending to be dead...
This is an account of Eundabe and Nicodemus' last moments....
no one knows for sure what happened to the two after they were found for no bodies were recovered. To this day there is speculation as to whether or not they were killed.
A Story I stole from My Sister Erica
Nadia and I know the story about the criminal Alvidrez family running away from Spain to good old Mexico and eventually the United States. We also know about the Furman family leaving Ukraine for Argentina also winding up in the U.S. But one piece of family legacy that has left us often times perplexed is how the Alderman's came to be.
By breifly viewing a family tree, (which dates back to Constantine the Great, or was it Charlemagne?) I made an educated decision that our first Alderman ancestor's where two French-Brittish brothers, working as fur trappers in Louisiana. They probably looked something like this:
For entertainment purposes I have decided to tell the purely fictional tale of these fine examples of our French and Brittish ancestors.
It all began in 1730 when Pierre Alderman was brought into this earth. He was followed shortly after in 1731 by his younger brother Francios. They also had some sisters, but because it was 1730, women didn't matter. They lived a normal life in London. Thier father was a wealthy English merchant and thier mother was his French love slave. The boy's mother died when she was accidently pushed down the stairs after it was known that she didn't actually speak english. The boys were raised by nannies and sent off to boarding school as soon as they were able.
The boys returned from school full grown men in 1748. They worked in thier father's shop and managed the selling and trading of goods. Thier father died in 1750 of Syphillus (damn those french love slaves) and the boys inhereted the shop. However, being half french, and considering the growing friction between England and France at the time, the boys quickly lost business. Deciding to quit while they were ahead, the boys took a ship to the Americas (not yet known as the United States) and headed toward the french territory in Louisiana. They became trappers and worked with the local Native Americans in a peaceful way so they they could exploit them without killing them, therefore making powerful allies.
1754: French and Indian war. Needless to say, Francios and Pierre, being partly French, surrendered automatically and waited for the war to be over. No story here. After the war they continued thier business as normal.
1775: The dawn of a new era. The Colonist began revolting againts the British scum who dare tax thier tea and tobacco! Francois and Pierre find themselves in French territory sitting back in thier lawn chairs and sleeveless waistcoats laughing at how stupid the colonists are. Surely they will get defeated. Wait, the french are allying with the Colonist? What is this? Are we actually going to have to fight? Ooooh, they are sending boats, nevermind, we're good. Francois and Pierre escape actual fighting yet again. Grabbed themselves a beer and enjoyed the show. (Spoiler alert: The colonists won)
1803: Louisiana Purchase. The brothers find themselves in quite the connundrum. Louisiana now belongs to the Americans. The Americans will not permit these Frenglish men to continue to work in the U.S. with out citizenship or a green card. One night The brothers sat outside thier teepee and discussed thier options. It probably went something like this:
Francois: So, Pierre my brother, It has been a good run here the Americas, but I think its time we consider other options.
Pierre: Its the United States now, remember?
Francois: Yes, yes. The way I see it, we have two options.
1) Become Citizens
Or
2) Go to France
Pierre: But Francios, Napoleon is in power. You KNOW I hate short people and I'd rather die than become and American pig. *spits*
Francois: *spits* Well, we could always go to Canada.
Pierre: American?
Francios: Agreed.
The next day the brother traveled to thier nearest government office and started the long painful process of becoming an American citizen.
Three years later, with a new citizenship and an even newer sense of patriotism, The brothers decided to open up a Guns and Ammo store in Alabama. They hired on a few slaves to help with the shop and all was well. Business thrived for nearly 60 years before the brothers were faced with a new dilema. Lincoln was president and tensions were stirring between North and South. Talk of war was running rampant throughout the country. Francios and Pierre were just begining to notice thier differences of character.
Pierre, being much the conservative southerner believed slaves were slaves and anyone who thought differently could go to hell. Francios, the younger of the two, was more liberal and even took on one if his own slaves as a wife. This caused problems for the brothers. Eventually they decided to sell thier Guns and Ammo store and split the earnings. They bought houses across the way from each other and could be found sitting on the porch with shotguns in thier laps heckling each other from the safety of thier homes.
Francios: You never support anything I do!
Pierre: It ain't my fault you married a ****** !
Francios: Yea, Well Jefferson did it!
1861: The Civil War. Francios and Pierre are getting a little gray around the ears and decide to sit this one out...again. However thier sons were not so lazy. Francios's son fought for the North and Pierre's for the South.
One aweful day the postman brought the brothers a letter. Thier sons had been killed in battle...by each other. They felt an anguish so deep it could make Chuck Norris cry(if Chuck Norris had tear ducts that is). Not being able to see each other without seeing thier dead sons, Francois moved up North with his brood of mixed race children (cuz apparently the Northerners were into that) and were never heard from again. Pierre remained in Alabama and lives there to this day.
And that my friends is the story of our Great Great whomever they are. Can you see the resemblance?
Long live the Frenglish!
*Disclaimer: None of the above actually happened except for the fact that there were once two brothers named Francios and Pierre. XP
By breifly viewing a family tree, (which dates back to Constantine the Great, or was it Charlemagne?) I made an educated decision that our first Alderman ancestor's where two French-Brittish brothers, working as fur trappers in Louisiana. They probably looked something like this:
For entertainment purposes I have decided to tell the purely fictional tale of these fine examples of our French and Brittish ancestors.
It all began in 1730 when Pierre Alderman was brought into this earth. He was followed shortly after in 1731 by his younger brother Francios. They also had some sisters, but because it was 1730, women didn't matter. They lived a normal life in London. Thier father was a wealthy English merchant and thier mother was his French love slave. The boy's mother died when she was accidently pushed down the stairs after it was known that she didn't actually speak english. The boys were raised by nannies and sent off to boarding school as soon as they were able.
The boys returned from school full grown men in 1748. They worked in thier father's shop and managed the selling and trading of goods. Thier father died in 1750 of Syphillus (damn those french love slaves) and the boys inhereted the shop. However, being half french, and considering the growing friction between England and France at the time, the boys quickly lost business. Deciding to quit while they were ahead, the boys took a ship to the Americas (not yet known as the United States) and headed toward the french territory in Louisiana. They became trappers and worked with the local Native Americans in a peaceful way so they they could exploit them without killing them, therefore making powerful allies.
1754: French and Indian war. Needless to say, Francios and Pierre, being partly French, surrendered automatically and waited for the war to be over. No story here. After the war they continued thier business as normal.
1775: The dawn of a new era. The Colonist began revolting againts the British scum who dare tax thier tea and tobacco! Francois and Pierre find themselves in French territory sitting back in thier lawn chairs and sleeveless waistcoats laughing at how stupid the colonists are. Surely they will get defeated. Wait, the french are allying with the Colonist? What is this? Are we actually going to have to fight? Ooooh, they are sending boats, nevermind, we're good. Francois and Pierre escape actual fighting yet again. Grabbed themselves a beer and enjoyed the show. (Spoiler alert: The colonists won)
1803: Louisiana Purchase. The brothers find themselves in quite the connundrum. Louisiana now belongs to the Americans. The Americans will not permit these Frenglish men to continue to work in the U.S. with out citizenship or a green card. One night The brothers sat outside thier teepee and discussed thier options. It probably went something like this:
Francois: So, Pierre my brother, It has been a good run here the Americas, but I think its time we consider other options.
Pierre: Its the United States now, remember?
Francois: Yes, yes. The way I see it, we have two options.
1) Become Citizens
Or
2) Go to France
Pierre: But Francios, Napoleon is in power. You KNOW I hate short people and I'd rather die than become and American pig. *spits*
Francois: *spits* Well, we could always go to Canada.
Pierre: American?
Francios: Agreed.
The next day the brother traveled to thier nearest government office and started the long painful process of becoming an American citizen.
Three years later, with a new citizenship and an even newer sense of patriotism, The brothers decided to open up a Guns and Ammo store in Alabama. They hired on a few slaves to help with the shop and all was well. Business thrived for nearly 60 years before the brothers were faced with a new dilema. Lincoln was president and tensions were stirring between North and South. Talk of war was running rampant throughout the country. Francios and Pierre were just begining to notice thier differences of character.
Pierre, being much the conservative southerner believed slaves were slaves and anyone who thought differently could go to hell. Francios, the younger of the two, was more liberal and even took on one if his own slaves as a wife. This caused problems for the brothers. Eventually they decided to sell thier Guns and Ammo store and split the earnings. They bought houses across the way from each other and could be found sitting on the porch with shotguns in thier laps heckling each other from the safety of thier homes.
Francios: You never support anything I do!
Pierre: It ain't my fault you married a ****** !
Francios: Yea, Well Jefferson did it!
1861: The Civil War. Francios and Pierre are getting a little gray around the ears and decide to sit this one out...again. However thier sons were not so lazy. Francios's son fought for the North and Pierre's for the South.
One aweful day the postman brought the brothers a letter. Thier sons had been killed in battle...by each other. They felt an anguish so deep it could make Chuck Norris cry(if Chuck Norris had tear ducts that is). Not being able to see each other without seeing thier dead sons, Francois moved up North with his brood of mixed race children (cuz apparently the Northerners were into that) and were never heard from again. Pierre remained in Alabama and lives there to this day.
And that my friends is the story of our Great Great whomever they are. Can you see the resemblance?
Long live the Frenglish!
*Disclaimer: None of the above actually happened except for the fact that there were once two brothers named Francios and Pierre. XP
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