The Mercenary, The Hero,and The Orb

*This is a story i am currently working on. I will randomly post excerpts every now and then as the stoy grows.*


The Mercenary stood alone on the hill looking down upon the humble homestead placed at the entrance of a mountain gorge. To the unknowing eye the simple homestead looked as if it had been placed there quite on accident, but to the mercenary it was a strategic placement and an impressive hurdle in reaching an elusive enemy. Settling down into a semi-comfortable position the mercenary prepared for another hard night outdoors. It was not a wise move on her part and she despised sleeping out in the open, but now was not the time to be moving around. The wind had picked up significantly as the sun began to set and with the sun gone all the night creatures of the region would be out looking for a meal. She would be lucky if she went unnoticed at all. Just as she sat pondering the sorts of creatures she would spend the night fighting off, as well as the chill of the wind, a light began to glow brighter and brighter in front of her. Before the mercenary could notice, the light compounded into a singular glowing orb almost invisible to the naked eye.
"You really should be much further along the trail don't you think?" With a shriek unbecoming of one with her training the mercenary jumped up and drew her sword.
"Who goes there and what do you want? Tread carefully for your next words may very well be your last!" As she looked around with her senses, her eyes finally rested upon the spot were the orb was trying very hard to become transparent. It wasn't the most ideal errand to be sent on and as far as orbs go this one was just like the others in their dislike for mercenaries. Orbs prefered those with magic, and held little respect for anyone but their masters. "Speak Orb, for I know you and I both know we wouldn't be talking unless you were sent." This particular mercenary frightened many Orbs in general, but the Orb knew she wouldn't hurt him so he felt free to show his contempt.
"My master sent me to you to ask what was taking you so long. I would think one with your reputation would have caught it by now." Yes he was pleased with the reaction he had gotten out of her, but what he hadn't counted on was her suddenly cutting through him with her sword.
"I take it she hasn't captured her prey just yet." At first the Orb was confused at hearing his master's voice, but as his Awareness slowly came back to him, he realized that that blasted woman had actually done him a favor and unintentionally sent him home.
"I found her huddling into herself at the top of the hill overlooking the Gorge of Ages. She didn't seem too pleased to see the entrance." He didn't continue to tell his Master about the house he had seen, for he knew that bit of news would be most displeasing.
"And why did she not go on through? Surely she is not afraid of the stories." The Orb bounced up and down in anticipation, it was hard not to answer a direct question let alone think about lying. "Answer me Orb! Why has she stopped?!"
"Well Master I would assume it has something to do with the house that is placed at the entrance." He quickly had to duck out of the way as the Master had thrown the ledger he had been holding.
"THERE IS A HOUSE AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE GORGE OF AGES?! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?" Pacing back and forth, the Master began to murmur words under his breathe that made the Orb feel highly uncomfortable.
"Master perhaps you should sit down and think about this before you do anything rash." Immediately he regretted drawing attention to himself, the Master turned slowly towards the Orb and pointed directly at him.
"You my most trusted Orb are to go with our mercenary friend and you are to stay with her until she completes her task. You are to report to me daily on your travels. Doy ou understand me?"
"But Master I can't be with that, that, woman! She ran me through not but a few moments ago, and you of all people should know how she hates anything to do with magic! I refuse to go." The Orb had managed to maintain his certainty until his last refusal. No Orb had ever outright refused the Master, and they both knew it. The Master began to walk towards to Orb with a meaningful look in his eye.
"You are going and you will be doing as I said or else I will Dismantle you and feed you to the Nagus." With that the Orb promptly vanished from the chamber and appeared before the mercenary where he had left her, but this time she was not alone.
"So this is the little bugger that was giving you trouble! Why Narissa you would think an Orb would be easy for you to handle." The Orb suddenly dropped two feet in the air at hearing the mercenary's name. No one knew what it was and for years he speculated that she liked to keep it that way. "Now tell me Orb, what are you doing back here? Surely you didn't come to torture poor Narissa again." After gaining some composure the Orb yet again dropped in shock a who was addressing him. It was Conaire, the hero! What would a hero be doing sitting around a campfire with a mercenary? The Orb voiced as much and to his dismay it was made known to him of their friendship.
"Look at him Con! The poor thing can hardly believe his Awareness!" Narissa let out a laugh at the sight of the Orb hanging in mid air looking green with it's colors swirling in a confused mass. "Listen Orb, you can tell your Master that tomorrow I will be on my way through the Gorge and that he need not worry so much. I will have the mark in no time." When the Orb remained in it's place she let out a sigh. "Why are you not leaving? I would think you have had enough of me for one night Orb. Go now!"
"Issa let the Orb speak! No doubt he wouldn't have come a second time unless sent here." At that the Orb seemed to find his Awareness again.
"My Master wishes me to remain with you until you finish. He was rather rude about it and gave me direct orders which unfortunately I can not ignore. I am stuck with you until this whole thing is over. I suggest you hurry up and finish it!" With that the Orb turned a satisfied shade of yellow. Narissa and Conaire looked at each other and seemed to be discussing something silently and than as if they had reached a decision they both lept to their feet and drew their swords. Orbs are not ones who enjoy sudden and rash decisions and what the hero and mercenary had just done seemed both sudden and rash. Before the Orb knew what was happening and for the second time that night his Awareness was cut in half as a sword was sent through him. The last words he uttered that night,"NOT AGAIN!" left Narissa and Conaire laughing until the sun came up.
"Not again!

Interesting happenings of happening...ness

I ripsticked last night...for two seconds before I went flying off the board and into Kenny's arms....good thing he was standing there and is basically a rock otherwise I would have most likely really injured myself! I was embarassed and slightly attracted might I add. I mean really the guy has got some MUSCLES....and he smelt really good hahaha Okay so I had a total damsel in distress moment last night and it was brilliant. Sue me for wanting to share it with everyone!





Secret of mine...I LOVE lying to stupid telemarketers! Yeah they called asking for my mom just now and I was like "I don't know when she is getting home...I am just the babysitter." Yeah I don't know why but I just really enjoy it...maybe it is because I am super pro at lying and I don't really get the opportunity to show off my skills anymore. *Sigh* I would have made a GREAT con artist if I had any interest in it at all...perhaps though I could be a spy...I could do spy things!


I could totally be a spy...look at that hair! Does it not scream of SPY HAIR! Anyways I am busy applying to about a million different jobs right now and I am going to my first doctor's appointment Next Monday. *Bleh* but I guess it is necessary so whatevers.

I have a wager with Charlie that at the New Year's Eve Dance that not only will I NOT get any numbers that I won't be giving any out AND the majority of those I dance with will be the guys in our group. Yeah take that Self Esteem! BAHAHAHA Okay so basically I just want to prove to him that just because HE thinks I am...attractive I guess....does NOT mean that every other guy does. This'll learn him good!

Well got to run off now and do some laundry...since I need clothes to wear and all mine are dirty!

Reflections

So I have had the flu this week and boy does it SUCK! I am feeling horribly icky and I need a hug, but of course no one can hug me because I am contagious. *bleh*

Here is my Christmas gift list:
Green Ipod Nano
Green Sweater
Choclate
Pajamas (and lots of them)
Gregory MaGuire books (almost every sinlge one!)
Gift Cards

Oh yes a good Christmas afterall!

So I am seriously tired of everyone getting engaged this year and getting married. Next year promises to be even worse! I am happy for these people yes I am, but honestly why can't it be me or even me going on a mission?! I am pretty much just tired of every other day being like... "I'M ENGAGED!" and whatever. BOO!

Okay well I will have to post more some other time since I am about to eat Christmas Dinner with the Family!

Oh Frostbite!

So awkward moment today when I was talking with my mom...so she asked me all sly like "So will you do it?" and I though she was talking about her proposal form awhile back and I kinda got all flustered and was agreeing and she thought I was agreeing to me going and running the water bill over to the Water District! Nice save on that one really hahaha I was agreeing rather reluctantly for only having to go deliver a bill....sheesh I am surprised she didn't really catch on although she probably did but is far too crafty to actually admit it out loud to me. Save me some dignity or whatever.

In other news I have decided that I no longer enjoy Nevada as a state. It denies me of a perfectly awesome Winter filled with sled rides, snowmen, and ice skating on a pond or whatever. I have not gotten to ride on a sled in forever and I don't have any chances to go on a sleigh ride EVER. BOO Nevada for your fail of a winter. Who ever said cold temperatures and sprinkles instead of snow was winter? I certainly didn't! I vote that we have snow for Christmas no matter where you are. I spent the whole day watchin Christmas movies and you know what they all had in common? SNOW! That's right!!!

My life is pretty boring and today I fell asleep filling out this mental health thing that I have to fill out...holy cow the thing asks me about my temperment as an infant! How in the flip am I supposed to know?! I seriously have to ask my mom about all the questions because I really don't keep that much track of my mental health and she seems to have an answer to all those questions. UGH personal health histories can go and die.

I wish my life has more meaning. I used to know what I liked to do for fun and if I had a lot of friends or just a few or even what my favorite food was, but now....I can't really tell you much about myself. That is what depresses me the most about everything. I know what the root of my problems are and what I want...well in regards to the problem...but it isn't what others would think I need. IDK if that makes sense but yeah. I am happy for other's successes and what they are achieving, but sometimes I just get so fed up with everyone else getting what I want and I get nothing no matter how hard I try. Although I know my trying hasn't always been the best, but the few times I actually ahve really put my full effort into achieving my goals it all just turns to S@#T and I don't understand why.

Well I am going to bed now after a restless night of not sleeping...well actually I might not be going to bed but rather just sit here on the computer doing who knows what.

OH Missionaries!!!

I miss the days when I was taking the lessons...those times with the elders and those who were there at the lessons were the best times. Seriously I have always been able to get along really well with missionaries and I am really missing the awesomeness that them...well especially Conor Dalton and Ben may who are the greatest guys on the earth and they were the BEST missionaries EVER!!!!!

Anyways I thought I would let everyone know that I decided to post a picture with each post now because i like pictures on my posts...they make them pretty hahaha.

I spent the day in Vegas with my step-dad and we spent a lot of time just goofing off and lookign around because we were waiting for the truck to get fixed which it ended up not being fixed so we have to go down AGAIN! Tomorrow 9or today) I am going to the basketball game to do my reporting on it. Maybe I can get someone into going with me so I am not like this completely lonely loser sitting taking notes....sounds like a good plan.

I NEED to go christmas shopping already but nope I haven't gone. I mean I am trying to be all cheap and chunty and what not so I am not going all out, but still I would like to have at least something to give to people besides my awesome smile....jk jk jk I know it isn't that awesome.

So I think someone tried to hold my hand not too long ago and I just realized it...well his hand was sitting between us (we were sitting close) and his hand was kinda brushing my leg. I thought he was scratching his leg (like I said we were sitting CLOSE) cuz when I looked down he quickyl stuck his hand under his leg so I thought nothing of it, but later his hand was back between us and was kinda touching my leg and his palm was facing up and he even kinda reached towards my hand at one point but then my phone rang (good timing Barbara) and I had to answer which i did with my right hand (the hand he was reaching for) my usual hand. I didn't think anything of it because it didn't happen again, but right now it popped in my head and I was like...FETCH!

Why is my life such a failure at times?

My Life Would Suck Without You

To my dearest friend Barbara who reads my mind and then asks me questions about it...

Let me just say that I love you in the most platonically straight way even possible and I have the most non lesbionic tendencies towards you. Most people probably find our relationship weird and strangely disturbing but I like to think of it as magical and adventurous. Only we could truly understand the deep connection we have and that we don't have to say anything to know what the other is saying.
Only you would I try crumb donuts and nacho cheese with. Only you would I wrestle for inanimate objects that really have no meaning...like cell phones and...other stuff. Only you would understand my strange urge to just go driving and somehow always ending up at Overton park. Only you would burst out into random song with me and stay up late listening to me even though I always keep talking after saying good night like fifty times...well you stay up most of the time. Only you would really let me come out wearing your clothes and different outfits everytime I set foot in your room. We have so many good memories together like all our crazy photo shoots...the weird makeup makeovers where we made ourselves look like trannies or really low pay hookers....the random road trip to Provo and than the other one when I moved up there...the Encore Trip (nough said)...OUR lovely wigs...That time you came to st. george...the other time when you came to California and we were attacked by the evil sprinklers...The unmentionable movie we saw this summer that I swore I would never watch again...the amazing like whole month we spent together this summer after the accident...the Jonas concert (even though I wasn't even watching it with you)...all our random texting and our conversations...VIVA LA BUBBLE!!!I think you get the point yeah? Good because I really have to pee right now but as usual I want to talk to you and I can't stop typing. OH! So I totally love how even now as I type this I am texting you! BAHAHAHA Brilliant. We are often too alike for our own good you know? Sorry for all the shenanigans I somehow rope you into...but you know you like it...that's what SHE said...you know her....the slut with the big boobs and too much denture cream. Love you always bestie...and in the most strictly professional sense....and non lesbionic in case anyone was wondering although pretty sure if one of us was a guy we would so be in lvoe but unfortunately we both like guys so we must try to find someone else to fill that void...hahahaha

How can we find our soul mate in someone we aren't even remotely attracted to? Although I am pretty sure that whoever we marry...they are going to be STUDS!!!

LOVES YOU!!!!!

NADIA!!!

Report this!

I AM NOW A FREELANCE WRITER FOR THE MOAPA VALLEY PROGRESS!!!!!

What is it that I report you ask? Well let me tell you...SPORTS! That's right I am dabbling into the sports reporting side of journalism. While I do enjoy sports I would rather report on the art happenings but hey journalism is journalism and I enjoy watching sports and writing so why not do it?! HUZZAH! A way to make some money!

I went to Vegas today with Kenny and ended up in the college library for an hour while he was in his math class. I found a ton of interesting books, but of course I didn't really read them because I was so overwhelmed with the sheer awesomeness of these books in this library. College libraries are pretty much awesome....end of story.

I gave Sister Bischoff my Christmas present for Elder Bischoff that they are sending in a big box of presents for him. Apparently I am the only one who gave him a spiritual type gift. I gave him this pictures of ALL the prophets dressed in white and in the temple. Oh yes I am brilliantly epic like that and I am soooo thoughtful...actually I just got the feeling that he could use it. Charlie told me today that he and some others are going to be suggesting I be on the Activities Committee for the ward since I am smart and really fun and I have tons of good ideas....this is waht he told me...seriously he said all those things and I was like O_O "I'm WHA???" Really people see the oddest things in me and I am like "If you really knew..."

I am so bored! I mean usually I have no problem with doing nothing but right now all I want to do is go out and do something! BAH HUMBUG! Okay I didn't do that correctly but oh well. I really need to go Christmas shopping and soon while I still have some monies and what not otherwise not many people are getting gifts although I am pretty sure I have some gifts for some people already. YAY for being vague!!!!!!

Well that Sucks

Today was not a bad day for me overall, but it seems like everyone else was kinda having a rough time of it. Charlie with all his problems and Erica is experiencing a major life melt down and my little sister taylor got left out fo going to lunch with me quite on accident and I ended up not going Christmas shopping like I wanted which means tomorrow I am going super early so I can make it back in time to take Taylor to lunch. Oh joy! HAHAHA

The job hunt is still on, but I am still pushing forward hoping soon someone will actually call me for an interview at least! I am applying for a front desk job here in town and then the library job in vegas and than i also have inquired about a nanny job in vegas. I have applied to a billion other places but you wouldn't know it since I ain't heard diddly squat. *sigh* I hate not having a job. I am even considering going to work at Juicie Jucie again *shudder* although even my mom told me I probably shouldn't go there to work again since the boss lady there is NUTS! So let's all hope I get a job soon!

Okay so I am glad that none of my friends in town really read this blog because of what I am about to say and other things I have said. Well anyways I kinda am interested in this guy and he isn't a member but I really don't care about that because he is actually a positive influence in my life, but anyways Erica saw a picture of him and she said "I approve of him being the uncle of my children" Yes the loads of hypothetical children that Erica has...THOSE children...no real ones...yet...BAHAHAHA but anyways he is as erica put it "cute in a good way" not like...pretty boy cute but the GOOD kind of cute, because we all know the difference.... XD The saddest thing is that we aren't even dating and my sister is already talking about stories to tell at the wedding! *sigh* if only it were that easily simple hahaha. But anyways I am thinking about asking him on a date or something or over to do something but idk what...maybe he can help me make Jenny and Dennis' baby present I am making...I am going to be making a Baby Mobile! Oh yes I am crafty like that. Oh snap yeah I basically am going to be really creative with my gifts this year and I figure most of them can be like....idk dollar store gifts or some kind of craft that I make...oh back to the guy! Well we will have to see what happens.

Heavenly Father certainly has a way of reminding us of His presence and love you know? Right now I have a friend who is kinda suffering through something and I never realized til now that I having been through similar situations can help them when I myself had no one who knew how to help me. I was wondering when going through that trial why I was being subjected to it, but I know now that Heavenly Father knew that I would be able to live through it and would be able to help others out. I don't really think any of my friends would have been able to go through it without any solid help or at least someone to vent to who knew what they were going through. Now I am not being conceited I just finally realized one of the ways that the Lord has been using me! This is an exciting thing for me you know? To be a help to my friends and family. IDK my patriarchal blessing does kinda elude to that fact, but I never really reflected on my life enough to see it actually happening! Silly girl!

Ding Dong the...girl is engaged?!

Yeah that's right people this girl is ENGAGED...well to be fair I should say A GIRL is engaged and no that girl is not me although I am pretty sure I wouldn't be posting a blog on it...okay i would but I would probably title it like "HOLY FETCH I GOT ONE" or "HE MADE UP HIS MIND" or even better "I'M FINALLY ENGAGED!" although I doubt I will be needing that one until I am like way old and all my siblings and cousins are married and I am the last one after being the first one to be born. Yeah I don't know how well I will handle being "Auntie Nadia" for so many years but by golly I will do it with grace and pride and not one hint of bitterness!!!!

Now that that is out of the way I guess I should explain what it is I am writing about...I am writing because in this past week two girls in the branch got engaged within days of each other and now that is basically all anyone can talk about! UGH! Seriously I am happy for them but it really gets my goat when the guys all act like it is the end of the world when someone gets engaged. I do believe it was said that their supply was getting smaller....and they said it right in front of me! Like really do you need to act like I am one of the guys and than say thins like that? It hurts my already poor self-esteem and on top of that it insults me that you don't seem to think I could even be in that little supply pool.

I have suffered from low self esteem for eyars when it comes to guys and with two big relationships that both the guy has ended rather unexpectedly it really has got me worried you know? Don't get me wrong I do understand that I am great and yada yada yada cuz I get people telling me that all the time, what I don't get is why they tell me that and they ask why I am still single and than they complain that there are no girls around to date...right in front of me. One time that same scenario happened...like exactly as I said it all within the same five minutes! Boys are stupid end of story and I really wish that a smart one would come along. Maybe I am supposed to remain single for a reason...okay I have a reason to be single already, but what I am talking about is....well i am not going to say it outloud or type it because honestly I don't know who all will see this but let me tell you it is a very VERY good and kind and charming and really awesome all around reason to be single...at least for another year and a half or so.... XD

Still though it would be nice if I could at least get asked on a date every once in awhile...just saying....


In all honesty folks I am thrilled for all my friends and acquaintances who are getting married and having babies! I am so grateful for the life that I do have and that I have been given and I wouldn't change it for anything!!!!!! I know I sounded whiny above but trust me I was stating it in a matter of fact kind of tone. I am not one to be pety and I know that those girls absolutely deserve that happiness!!!!!

The First Presidency Christmas Devotional tonight was just what I needed really. I love hearing from our leaders and especially from the Prophet and hearing the comforting and uplifting words he had to say. Also the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was in awesome form tonight and I really got in to the Christmas Spirit which we all must really remember is the Spirit of Jesus!

Propositions

Apparently my mother has a proposition for me but she doesn't quite know how to word it properly and I think she was generally surprised when I stated I didn't have a clue as to what it was. I honestly don't even want to think of it until she presents said proposition. Ruins the whole surprise and my imagination will take a hold of me in the worst way possible and I really want to think my mom has a better imagination than mine. Although I don't think she is going to propose that I put my plans for world domination into effect...no somehow I don't think that is it.

I wowed my family with dinner tonight and my stepdad was surprised at my cooking prowess and my mom asked me if I was hiding any other talents. I told them I have the useful ability to learn choreography and music quickly. Somehow I don't think they found those skills quite as handy as cooking an exquisitely edible meal. I did enjoy cooking and I would liek to further my kitchen skills seeing as I totally guessed on what to put in this pasta mixture I made.

I REALLY miss singing...like really bad and I miss performing. I always enjoyed it and was really happy when I performed and when I was in the Colorguard. I posted pictures for you all hahaha although they aren't the best quality. There is something about performing that really just brightens up my day and I have no clue why!! It isn't like I enjoy solo stuff but I really did enjoy my solo in colorguard tossing a triple on rifle for the world to see. I practiced for weeks to get it down perfectly and I almost cried when I performed it perfectly at our last competition (it hadn't been in the routine for the other competitions). Than with Choir I did get a duet but they guy couldn't get his timing down. I on the other hand had it down and I really wanted it to be a solo instead since I could sing his part which could stand without mine. Anyways the whole choir ended up singing our parts and I wanted to kick my singing partner where the sun don't shine for lacking in the basic talent of timing. I think I need to get back into singing.

My mom got me reading those Sookie Stackhouse Novels which the HBO series True Blood is based off of...I gotta tell you that these books are waaaaay more awesome than Twilight although that really is not hard to do...hmmm well anyways the vampires are REAL vampires which means none of that sparkly crap and they are a billion more times likely to kill you than even the Volturi. Heck they could kill everyone in the Twilight series and than have enough energy to go over to the Harry Potter people and destroy them. Seriously the Supernaturals in this series are way more amazing and amusing than anything I have every come across and I have been quite satisfied with the reading although I do have to skip over the few racy bits in the books...yeah no need to read about sex but the rest of the books is genious.

GLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THAT SHOW! I by far love the mattress routine more than anything else they have done! BAM! I just had to proclaim my gleekness for the world to see hahaha I am a Glee fan beyond everything else.

and now I am off to bed. Good night everyone and try not to think too hard about lifes worries because they certainly are not worrying about you! I love you all and goodnight!

HMMM...

Well tonight was certainly interesting. I went to watch The Ultimate Gift at a friend's house and of course needed a ride since I didn't know where it was and my car is still out of gas. Anyways I got there and I found an empty seat next to a incredibly handsome guy and than another equally attractive guy sat next to me. The whole movie I was afraid to look around like I normally do for fear of either thinking I was looking at them. So my neck now hates me because of the forcing it to stay in one position for the entire movie. Yeah I know I am a spaz at times, but I do have control over my actions....when I really want to excercise that control.

After the movie ended (which btw the move is a must see for everyone!) The first guy left and I was sitting there having a pretty decent and semi-private conversation with the second guy since everyone else was on the other side of the room. We were talking about everything when i realized he is amazingly intelligent, has awesome eyes and teeth, is really attractive, and I am pretty sure he finds me genuinely interesting which is surprising. After about an hour of just us talking ANOTHER attractive male makes his way over to us and he inserts himself into the conversation. Now Guy Number Two is kind of new to our group of friends...like within the last year or so while Guy Number Three has been in the group since before I have been in it meaning I know Guy Number Three better and there is massive speculation that he likes me and has liked me for some time. The problem is that I like them both in the sense that they are both awesome guys but I find myself drawing more towards Guy Number Two. This is all guess work people and nothing has happened with either guy except some heavy flirting, but I felt like they were both massively vying for my attention tongiht and I have to tell you it was really awkward.

A friend of mine (who has his own girlfriend) came over to talk to me about something and both of the other guys completely and unnecesarily (excuse the next phrase) cock-blocked him.
What is the deal with that? He isn't even interested in me and they basically stopped him from talking to me by continually asking me questions and talking to me and ignoring the fact that he had come over and tried to speak with me. He and I were laughing about it later, but at the time I got pretty miffed.

On the way home Guy Number Three gave Number Two and I rides home with Number Two sitting in the back. I don't know what to make of it, but whatever I am going to keep being me and I will let the two of them duke it out because honestly if either of them are even wanting to have any kind of anything with me they need to just come out and say it rather than act like they were.

The movie was pretty good though and it almost made me cry a couple times. I suggest everyone watch it because for reals, Abigail Breslin as a goth girl cancer kid is amazing in it and the main character is amazingly cute. Of course the movie can be a tad predictable, but for the most part it is genuinely funny and charming.

TOTAL RUDENESS!!!

Can we legally kill someone if they completely deserve to be destroyed? Seriously I think there needs to be some kind of legislation about that.
...but than again I would most likely be killed myself so nevermind.

ANYWAYS tonight for FHE the branch went to Vegas for this Choir Concert thing down in Vegas that Brother and Sister Flynn were in...anyways on the way back (we were all in Oliver's huge van) and I was sitting next to Jason Gates (the brother of my ex Jaren) and we were all blasting each other and making gay jokes. Jason and I have always had this physically rude relationship where we beat on each other and I was bugging him by way of hugging him when all of a sudden he started yelling "I'M NOT JAREN!"

O_o

It gets better...I was actually hurt by him yelling that and everyone in the van had gotten really quite and was looking at us and I told him that he had hurt my feelings and it wasn't funny to joke about Jaren and I and he got quite. Than a little while later he starts yelling it AGAIN!!! This time he wasn't even provoked, I was just talking to him!!!! I looked at him and asked him why he was saying that and the jerk says, "Well you two dated."

AAGH! What kind of an excuse is that?! I would NEVER confuse Jason for Jaren and I told Jason I was going to write Jaren and tell him what Jason said and than Jason went off saying how this girl in town is "waiting" for Jaren. Why on Earth does he think I even want to know this stuff? Everyone at this point was looking from him to me back and forth trying to figure out what was going on and the way Jason was saying things it was making me look like I myself am waiting for Jaren which I obviously am not seeing as I have been dating and in some serious relationships before and after he left. Everyone pretty much was siding with me though so I felt good about that, but it got me riled up for some reason and it is bothersome.

...oh and I so totally did write Jaren and I told him what went down. He will get a good laugh out of that.

The end of a friendship

Colton and I aren't friends anymore. He finally decided he was too selfish to change and too much of a punk to even try and be a decent friend to me. Well okay so he only said the selfish part but whatever. I saw it coming so right now I am not really feeling anything on the matter, I just basically accepted the situation instead of fighting it. It was ridiculous because he ended it all saying I am this wonderful woman and friend and he hopes I find someone some day who will love me as much as I love them. I mean seriously what is that? You can't be like "you are so amazing" and than be like "have a good life"?! UGH

I am just bland right now about it but I figured I would just post something letting everyone know. I feel bad for him though because he really is messed up about stuff that apparently happened on the mission that he will never tell anyone about. IDK but I am worried about him.

I choked...

My mom asked me today what it was that brought me over to the Church and I couldn't answer her right away. So many people can just blurt out what it was, but all I could say was that I prayed about it and went from there. Gee great answer Nadia, way to blow her socks off with some awesome explanation. I mean what do you say to someone who really holds no love for your religion about why you joined when every single bit of your testimony will be held under a microscope and dissected right in front of your eyes? Most people in the church would just about pee their pants for the opportunity to bear their testimony, but I know that is not what my mom was looking for. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't bring any words to my mouth. I wanted to say how I prayed and I just knew that the church is true, that everything the missionaries taught me made sense to me and how I experienced true happiness for the first time when I realized it is true. It is hard because those who are against the Church believe our "feelings" guide our faithfulness to our religion. We "feel" the church is true and that someone makes us naive and misguided, yet if we felt their church was true we would be faithful and "saved".

Is faith not the very essence of feeling? We have faith that God and Jesus Christ exist, we in fact feel it with every fiber of our beings and we act on it. Faith is what we feel. With that faith comes knowledge. Those who are against the church have faith in their belief that we are wrong. They feel and "know" we are wrong...what makes them so different than us? They have people (missionaries) that go out and try to teach members of how "wrong" the church is and we have missionaries who spread the churches message. They have enough faith in their beliefs to go and confront us and spread their beliefs on the subject and we in a way do the same except the whole confrontation part. We really aren't that different. Well obviously we are on opposite sides of the fence, but our actions are the same.

I hold a lot of love and respect for my family and I know they don't understand my decision and sometimes not even I understand fully why I got baptized, but even then I know that the Church is true. I would willingly give my life for that knowledge and truth where before I wasn't even really all that sure that God existed. It is hard to tell my family that I am happier in the Church when the last two years since I got baptized have been an up and down roller coaster for me. The fact is that the Church has nothing to do with the current state I am in. I am the only one who can be blamed for my state, in fact I caused it. I tend to hold everything in and I have created this cage for myself. Now I can see how one would think that it is somehow related to the Church, but the thing is that I have made some decisions that I haven't aired publicly that have landed me in this mess. Nothing big mind you, but decisions nevertheless.

I am not one to go out and flaunt my testimony or my conversion story. I don't freely advertise my membership and I am not one to try and include others in my church activities. I do talk about stuff that goes on at church or with my friends from church, but it is only in recounting my tale, not some weird missionary motive. I came to the church on my own terms and surprised everyone when I decided to meet with the missionaries. I know some people need the door opened for them, but I am not quite comfortable yet with doing that. I think the quiet way I went about joining has set a precedent for my church life, go about it quietly and diligently.

I miss Him

*Disclaimer* This Post is NOT about Colton...just a heads up for all of you who read this blog. Especially since most of you know me I just want to once again stress the fact that it is NOT about Colton...it is about someone else. *End Disclaimer*

I miss him...not just a simple "haven't seen him in a few days" miss him, but more like a "every second apart is like an eternity" miss him. I remember everything about him, from the way he smelt to the way his voice sounded when he would whisper in my ear. I remember the way he would hold me and how he would always say "five more minutes" even though we both knew it would be more than five minutes before either of us would let go. I miss falling asleep to the sound of his voice on the phone and I miss how he would sing our song to me whenever we were really missing each other. I miss how much we talked when we were apart and how quite we were when we were together. How his eyes would always find mine from across the room and he would wiggle his eyebrows at me and smile that crooked smile. I miss planning our trip to Ireland and comparing each movie to our future lives. I miss the way he made me feel when we were together, how we would run into each other's arms as soon as we left our own individual cars. Each reunion was a sweet as the last, and it always felt like it was our first. Now we didn't do anything immoral, but those silent moments together in that hugging embrace are something that can never be forgotten. He was always so careful with me, always making sure I wouldn't trip or that he would be the first to face any unknown danger. The first time we held hands we went on a walk around the reservoir...that was the first night he vocally brought up his feelings. He told me he thought our wedding colors should be blue and green instead of yellow and green. We were both so happy that night and so reluctant to let go.
I remember the first time he told me he loved me and when he asked me to wait for him, it was funny because we were watching Colton ask Jenny if she would be his girlfriend and I was looking at them when he turned to me and asked me to wait. I hadn't been expecting that at all, but I couldn't have been happier. We were planning on getting married a year after he got home and we even had kid's names picked out. Well one of them anyways. We were going to name our girl Sariah. We had prayed and both felt right about it and so we planned. I remember going to Box Wash with him and he showed me places and took me places I would have never been on my own. He even wrote a song for me and a poem about us. We shared everything with each other and about each other. Yes at times we did fight but it was because he had to hide from his parents our relationship. I hated not being able to be with him in public...yes we were together in public but you wouldn't know we were more than plain old friends. We would fight about that and I would get mad because I never felt like he felt the same, I should have known then that he didn't show affection like I did and do because he just wasn't ready to, and he was preparing for a mission. Even after all this time I still care for him deeply and even on the same level as back than.
When he broke things off he asked if he could look me up when he gets home. Before he left he asked me to write him. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be back in our hometown before he got home and the ironic thing is that I will most likely still be here when he gets home. I don't know what the future brings and I don't know what I am going to do, but all I know is that we were brought together some years ago by chance and no matter how hard I try to get away I keep getting brought back. Maybe Barbara was right in saying that He and I aren't done yet....that things won't get figured out until he gets home.

Only Heavenly Father knows and all I can do is put my trust in Him.

It is an off night

Where did everything go so wrong? Seriously I had my whole life planned out and all of a sudden it was like the floor just dropped out form under me and all there was was air. I am prepetually falling and falling and falling and I can't grab a hold of anything solid. The only times I actually feel realy happiness is when I am in church singing away and listening to the lessons and talks or when I am hanging out with my closest friends who always know how to make me smile or with my family . Just about everything else makes me feel numb inside or it makes me want to drive off a cliff. When did my life get so...mundane??? Sometimes I just want to disappear from it all. Go to some new town and create a new me, one not tied down a a place because someone will be upset if I don't give my life over to them. Somewhere where people won't be so....controlling over a life that isn't theirs.
I want to stop falling. I want to be settled to be secure. To not have the rug swept out from under me everytime I think I have found a safe place. Someone once implied that the church has held me back, but the truth is that I am the only person who is holding me back. I am have created this cage for myself and for those around me. I let others dictate what I should do or how I should feel without them even knowing what they are doing. I have let the world see only one part fo me for so long that if I show the other half they don't understand what is happening. Panic shows in their eyes and an uncertainty shines from within. Am I the only one who truly knows who I am??? So many think I am this "free spirit" but the truth is I want nothing more than to live a quite life doing what I want to do, not what everyone wants me to do. Being free spirited does not mean I can't live a life with a family of my own! Who the heck said that can't be? Being a free spirit to me means that there are endless opportunities and ways in which I can live my own life. I can be whatever I want to be regardless of what you may think. HECK if I wanted to go live in some small village in Europe somewhere where I owned a bridal shop downstairs and lived in the apartment upstairs with my own little family who are you to say that I am being "caged in"? The only person who can cage me in is myself, by putting the limitations on myself that everyone else seems to think I need.
Those said Limitations are:
1. Too much of a free spirit to settle down
2. Too young to know what you want
3. Too inexperienced to know life
4. You simply can't do it
5. Not strong enough
6. not enough support

there is more but honestly who gives a rip anymore right? The only way I am going to succeed with what I want to do is if I just go and do it. Screw what others think, I have spent 20 years worrying about disappointing everyone when I should have been worried about disappointing myself! That is the root of it all. I am just so sick of feeling like crap because I am this big "failure" when in all actuality I am NOT a failure. Sure I have failed other's expectations, but for the most part those failures have brought some of my greatest joys. Being Baptized is one of those such moments. My family will probably go to the grave never understanding why I got baptized and really nothing I can say or do will ever make any sense to them. The only reason i got baptized was because I stopped judging the church by what others where saying and I instead went and learned for myself. What I found out was and is more real to me than anything I had ever read or heard about it before. Of course I had a huge support system too which helped the transition. Some people think my friends treated me different before I got baptized, to be honest I was the one who treated them differently. I wasn't exactly always nice about their religion...I did get invited to things more often than my family thinks. I hid most of the invites because I didn't want to hang out with them at the time or I felt like it would get too "churchy". My friends bent over backwards to try and be my friends even though a lot of the times I was anti-social and pretty rude. Heck I am still pretty rude at times, but they all still treat me the same!
I wish at times I could show my family how much happier I am in the church than I was before I joined. I mean seriously if I didn't know it was true I probably would have left by now. I mean really I probably would have left after Jaren broke up with me...heck even after Colton did! The truth is that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the truest thing on this Earth and ain't nothing going to change it.

Thank Goodness!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just want to make a list of what I am thankful for (in no particular order of importance)

My Family
My Faith
My Friends
My Camera
My Cellphone
My Boston Terrier Piper
My Teeth ( for without them I could not chew!)
The Food I eat
The Air I breathe
My ability to swim
The song in my heart
The experiences I have had in my life
Conor Dalton and Ben may
My shoes
THE FACT THAT I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

We have too many things to be grateful for in this life and so little time to fully appreciate them! We need to go about everyday being thankful for what we have instead of giving thanks once a year. I haven't been the best with that, but lately I have been changing and trying to work harder with it. I figure if one person can do it we all can, a little thankfulness can indeed go a long way people to making this world a better place!

We Are So LOST!!!

So yesterday I got the Swine Flu Vaccine with my siblings because my mother basically demanded it of us...ANYWAYS after we got it we went and got some pizza and started to head home to have a regular ole fiesta with it you know? WRONG! We hit Traffic O_O yes we do get traffic in the butt-crack of nowhere. Usually it is because someone got into some major accident and everyone slows down on the two lane highway to look...well traffic this time was because of construction. I HATE TRAFFIC! Just letting you all know that. ANYWAYS there is this back road I am ALWAYS hearing about and have even been on (a few years ago) and so I suggested to my mother that we could take that AND get home sooner than we would if we stuck to riding it out in the traffic.

You guessed it people we got lost....well not really lost we just got stuck...in the sand...for three hours...let me tell you, when the women in my family fail we fail spectacularly. See we were going fine you know? Just mozying along this incredibly rocky fourwheeler trail along the edge of the Mesa and suddenly my mom hits the brakes because she realizes that the trail has turned all sandy and she didn't want to get stuck. Ironically it was the hitting the brakes that got us stuck and we tried to do what we could to shovel the sand out but we only sunk deeper so after an hour she called my stepdad and I texted all my friends to let them know I wouldn't be bowling with them that evening. Eventually my stepdad got out there with someone from his church and they rescued us form having to spend the night in the truck because really they barely did manage to find us out in the desert!!!

We got home heated up the pizza and ate. I was supposed to hang out with Barbara, but I was WIPED out and could barely manage to stay awake so I had to call in for a rain check. Oh wells!
*sigh* it was an awesome adventure and memory making moment!

My lucky break

So two days into living in Nevada and I get pulled over by a cop for going ten over the lame speed limit in town. Seriosuly I shouldn't have been excited but I could not stop smiling...maybe it was because it was my first time getting pulled over and having a cop talk to me. Last time I had a run in with the law I was in the 5th grade and had finally gotten caught after years of forging my parents signatures. Anyways Barbara, Sherry, and I were on our way to see New Moon up in Mesquite but thanks to Sargeant Make Me Tardy we missed the movie by half an hour. Oh well though it is no big deal since the darned film is still in theaters. OH! The best part is that I didn't get a ticket or a warning or nothing. All he said was "Today is your lucky day." and than he said he needed to pul out in front of me because he needed to go pick up his partner before they went and actually started working. Brilliant...I am going to just pass it off on my awesome personality and amazing ability to bs my way out of tough spots. Really who can give a ticket to a sweet girl who just moved to Nevada and was obviously unaware of the speed limit?
Okay luckily this cop was not one that I know or like a parent of one of my friends or something because he would than have been well aware that I am not new at all to this town. Heck I have driven on that particular spot going 20 over and not even really paying attention.
I really did get lucky though is all I am saying.

On another note, today I got in my car and I just sat there in the driveway for like 20 minutes (or shorter) and for the life of me couldn't figure out where I even wanted to go! Why is it that I can never make up my freaking mind and that when I do it is always this spontaneously fantastic fail of an idea but at the same time it is brilliant? Like....putting fireworks in a balzing fire....stupid idea with awesome results. Anywho I wanted to drive to Box Wash since the last time I was there was over a year ago, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it since...well nevermind that is too personal for even me to post on the internet! Let's just say that place is my special spot with someone and there are a lot of good memories there as well as a lot of ghosts that I probably shouldn't be bringing up.

Going to get the Swine Flu Vaccine today. UGH!!!

Now is Not the Time

Why is it that I will post something on my blog and than a little while later it seems to translate into real life? Honestly my last post really was just a random creative writing thing, but noooooo life had to go and actually creat a dark and confusing mess that makes me actually want to go and destroy someone, but at the same time I can't destroy them because a part of me (in a very sick way mind you) actually enjoyed what happened.

A "friend" who has spent the last few months treating me horribly texted me yesterday after they got to thinking about our friendship and guess what they decided...They "decided" we could be friends after all, that they would be a brilliant friend to me after months of me trying to salvage our friendship and them taking advantage of the fact that I have always been a overly decent person to them. NOTHING I have done made them decide....noooo not when I stuck by them when others bascially wanted to shun them. I made people support them while they were out on their own and I wouldn't and won't let anyone bad mouth them....but what was the deciding factor might you ask? He was at a fireside where the speaker said something about trials and what we make of them so naturally this person started talking to me.

I have been slowly letting go of this person because it really hurt too much to reach out to them just to have them slap my kindness back into my face continually. It was like helping someone up the ladder of success just to have them kick you back down to the bottom wrung and than they ask you to help them when they get stuck so you ahve to climb all the way back up just to be kicked down again. Now I am not a martyr, more like an idiot for doing that, but I would help any friend to my best extent. I don't take it lightly when someone who is supposed to be my friend spits on our friendship and than just decides one day they want to be a true friend. It isn't that simple with me and I told them that. I am not one to make people earn my friendship but than again I have never really had someone do what this person has done.

The whole point of this is that I am now confused and angry and crying a whole lot more because they went and decided to open a can of worms that they knew they shouldn't have. IDK but I am pretty sure this whole thing is not going to be done until another friend of ours gets home. That is all I am going to say.

How Could You?

**DISCLAIMER** This is NOTHING but a gander at creative writing and DOES NOT hold any kind of significance to my life....just so you all don't get worried or anything! Enjoy!!!


How could you do this to me? After all I have done for you and all the trials I went through with you! You who was supposed to care..you who was supposed to be there. Whatever happened to "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine"? Do I mean so little to you? We were supposed to make it, to be the shining example to others, but no you went and changed your mind leaving me in the dust. Everything was perfect until you went and screwed it up. Now I don't know what to do or where to go, we are both stumbling reaching out for something that is no longer there. We had it all figured out, we KNEW it would work, but your selfish insecurities led those plans astray and now we have nothing! We are no one. You fake happiness, yet I know from the look in your eyes you are plagued with questions of "what if?" Do you think me a fool to not know you better than yourself?! You of all people trying to hide from me! You never should have run, it only has prolonged this moment that is building up. This moment where truths will come flying out opening new wounds and mending old ones. I've gotten stronger in our months apart, tougher, and more able to stand on my own two feet. If you think you are going to win you need to reevaluate your technique. I know your weakest points like you USED to know mine. You can no longer hurt me, I am past the point of all feeling when it comes to you. The only purpose I will serve now is your destruction. No matter where you go or what you do I will always be one step ahead of you waiting and biding my time...waiting for the perfect moment when I can strike you down.

You thought you left me for dead, you thought you left me broken beyond all repair. How could you? You had no way of knowing that I would rise like a phoenix from the ashes. The truth is I have dealt with your kind before. So arrogant, so sure of your ability to get the job done you underestimate your opponent. In the end I will be the only one standing, in the end everything will come to light. Months of planning and preparation will not be wasted. I am a survivor, a warrior unlike any other.

...and I am coming for you.

Weird

I feel so weird lately... Like I am floating above everything and just can't seem to come back down to Earth. I am moving to Nevada this week and I have to find a job which is most likely going to be pretty hard. Also I will start working on getting better. *sigh* sometimes I wonder if recovery is even possible, but I just know that it won't be if I think it is completely hopeless. I am going to be applying to places in Vegas, Mesquite, and St. George...hopefully I find one soon.
Sort of talked with Colton tonight but things are still weird..I don't know what is going on with him, but things are just...I just have a feeling that there are a lot of unsaid things between us. He was supposed to be there for me like I was for him you know? That is what friends do, but lately I don't even hear from him and the sad thing is that I just stopped trying. I thought maybe if I stopped forcing conversation that he would actually let me know he wanted to be my friend, but idk I guess he really doesn't. Oh well.
I wrote Jaren a letter the other day and boy was it a long one hahahaha I forgot how much I enjoyed talking with him and how much we would tell each other! I haven't heard from him, but I had agreed to write so I am going to uphold that promise. He is a good guy and a great friend and an even better missionary!

I am going to stop now...haven't bene feeling well the past few days. Goodnight all!

Maybe it's Time

I had a long discussion today with my mom and it made me think a whole lot...which is why I ended up pulling another all nighter...well that and this awesome movie called Frequency...anyways she and I discussed me moving out here to Nevada and what not and steps to helping me get better.

I have been suffering people and it is a physical and emotional illness that can affect my mental state. It has been getting worse and worse and I am scared. My mom works with the Nevada Mental Health District as a Medical Technician so she sees people with the same illness and she helps treat them. I am not sure completely about everything that she said, but I am seriously considering going along with it because if I don't do something soon I could very well be on my way to hospitilization. Don't freak out or anything because it isn't too serious right now.

I am worried though because part of me getting better will be me creating a barrier of sorts between me and any kind of outside influence...which can include friends, family, and other things...like religion...that is the part I am conflicted with. I wouldn't be going to any church at all during this time and I wouldn't go to any activities or be able to recieve any callings. Talking with friends would be generic and plain like only tlaking about school basics and basics of my life without delving into deep subjects.

A part of me is scared to do this and worried about cutting myself off from everyone, but the other part of me knows that I need to do this in order to get better. Also I know that if I do something like this that the chances of me going on a mission will be slim to none. I would essentially be cutting myself off spiritually in order for the rest of me to get better...idk how to put it because my words aren't coming out right. I KNOW the church is true and NOTHING will ever change that.

I know what I have to do...I just don't know how I am going to do it. Gonna see if my mom will let me take the buick for a drive tomorrow. I need to get out of the house and do some thinking.

Could It be?

Tonight I talked with a good friend about something and it made me realize that what I have been missing for awhile is something I may already have! I love being cryptic....XD

I don't want to say anything outright because usually it jinxes it for me, but if I do in fact have already what I have been missing I will be sure to be telling everyone and everything hahahaha Chances are though that it isn't exactly what I think it is and I am wrong again but hey it is never wrong to just check and make sure before you go off looking for it in some other place.

So I totally stumbled across this new blog Called "Single LDS Chick(s)" and I LOVE IT!!!!!! I have never promoted another blog (because I love you all equally), but since they are new and have only two followers (one of them is me) I thought I would totally lend them a hand. These girls have some drama going on like no other! But the basis of their blog is pretty good I do have to say....even though I am not really sure if it is for reals although I am pretty sure it is hahaha!!! :D

My sister Erica's room smells like cat lady house for some reason...whenever I leave the room and come back in I get visions of cabbage and cat litter in my head and I think that if something smells like that without having cabbage or cat litter than something is really wrong. I know it is not me because I went and sniffed all my clothing to make sure. Maybe when the room was unoccupied the kitties used it as their own bedroom or something. IDK but eew I am going to have to OUST the room or GLADE it or something!

I worry

There are a lot of things in my life that I worry about and things that I worry won't ever happen for me. I want so much for my life...to accomplish so much, but it seems like everyone else gets to accomplish MY goals for themselves. Where is the justice in that? Why do others get to live out my dreams??

I have a friend who I have come to care about greatly and lately he hasn't been talking to anyone, but he gets on facebook and puts up these statuses that are really starting to worry me. I am trying to get him to at least acknowledge that he is okay ro at least get him to touch base with me, but nothing! I got a text from him last week but it wasn't anything really...just one and after that nothing! I am only freaking out because I KNOW him and I know his past and I am afraid of the avenues he could end up traveling once again if he is in that mindset. Everything seemed to be going so well for him and I don't know what could ahve turned it all around, but he did mention something about not being able to live with women or drink them away so I am guessing some douchebag female did something to him.

He needs a hug in the worst way.

I was talking to Barbara today and I was telling her how I found out via facebook that Colton went on a date. It was interesting to me because I was happy for him but at the same time I wanted to punch him in the nads for going out and dating girls. Don't get me wrong I am NOT hung up on him I just think that it is entirely unjust that he did what he did how he did it AND he is the one who is getting the dates (this is not the frist one since he dumped me) and I am the one who the guys basically ignore except when asking for advice about other girls. What the Hell is up with that???

Excuse the language please. I have been in a weird funk the past month or so and I am reaching my breaking point for the most part so my language is slowly deteriorating with my mind....well selectively anyways.

Oh on a positive note my youngest sister turned 13!!! WOOT WOOT! She got a ton of clothes and pjs and a pokemon game (save us all!) for her birthday as well as a family heirloom! The girl raked in the presents I tell ya! What I got for my 13 birthday was my dad and his second wife fighting publicly at my birthday dinner...awkward but there was good fettucine involved so all was well!! I do believe I had my first slumber party, but I don't really remember the details too well except we played this weird game where we drew spiders blindfolded (the party was Halloween themed).

I hate Spiders.

PREGNANT!!!

MY BEST FRIEND JENNY IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

She is due in July of 2010 and we are all sooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just KNEW she was when she called me....I mean she basically always talks to me over text so I just knew something was up. I called her back when the birthday dinner for my sister Taylor was done and BAM right away I asked her if she was pregnant and TADA I was right!!!!!! Dennis and Jenny are going to be the cutest parents ever! Congratulations to them on a job well done!

ALMOST makes me wish I was married and had one on the way
...almost

maybe after I serve a mission...if I end up (I surely hope so) going on one!

It is all in the air

I am right now sitting in my sister Erica's room at my mom's house wishing I knew what on Earth I am doing with my life. My mom asked me the other day what I wanted to see happen with my life right now...I just couldn't answer her. For so long I have been trying to live my life for everyone else I have neglected to think about what I really want to do with it. I am scared to move back to California...Grandma and I aren't going to magically get along and I know that even if I try to set boundaries things aren't going to work out. Already she is demanding I go out there...like she doesn't like me being at my mom's or something you know? What is up with that????

My major is getting changed officially from Child Development to Music and Photography. I already told my grandma and she wasn't excited at all, but honestly I don't give a rip because I have found something that truly makes me happy and I am sticking with it!!!! Also I decided that I am going to visit Zak this weekend down in Miramar probably will end up having to stay the night, but hey I am 20 and I need to stop being a kid at some point! I have got to grow up and start LIVING my life the way I want to live it.

Hurray for thinking differently!

Angry for so long

I walked (and ran a little) to the Provo Temple today...took me two hours to get there and back...not bad really considering I spent some time at the temple itself. Pretty sure I wasn't walking that fast but I did get a workout so WOOHOO!!!! I figured out a lot while on that walk and while at the Temple...first I can't run very far because I am out of shape, two it is FREEZING and I will need to wear sweatpants next time, three the temple sure is open early because there was a ton of people going into the temple, four I pretty much love the temple, and five (the most important)

I have been angry for a long time, with myself and with Heavenly Father. I have been feeling so lost lately and angry and I didn't really realize that until I was at the temple talking t Him when suddenly the word angry popped out of my mouth and I started crying. Mainly I was crying because I was upset at the prompting I felt earlier. I didn't want t lose another friend like I basically lost the friend I had in Colton and I just don't want to be hurt again like with Jaren and Colton when I felt so strongly and the just...it wasn't the same with them. I also have been angry about my family and the hurt they went through when I joined the church. I have been angry about a lot of things that I didn't really realize until today and it was like once I acknowledged that anger this HUGE weight was lifted and I really felt this major calm come over me. I felt and feel ready to face whatever Heavenly Father has in store for me with an optimism like no other!

Proof that blessings come from visiting the temple...on the way back towards the apartment a whole TROOP of army hotties went running by and oh my word they were smoking hot! Every one of them and they were doing this chant thing with running and the drill sargeant guy worked in a "hello" for me! He said "Say hello to the pretty lady" and the rest of them said "Hello Pretty Lady."

I about fainted.

OMG I am going to BARF

I have gotten this prompting to do something and I can feel the Spirit screaming for me to do something and I just can't do it! First off it is 4:36 in the am and second....well quite frankly I just don't have the kind of relationship with this one person to do what the Spirit is prompting me to do. I LAUGH at people who are always randomly like..."The Spirit told me to blah blah blah" insert random quote we all laugh at when we here stories like this. I mean I would most likely be rejected...but on the other hand why would I get this prompting if I wasn't supposed to do it????


Oh Hannah why me? Why this early??? Why did the prompting come during a horror movie when I wasn't even thinking about this person? The thing is I don't feel bad about it at all...in fact I feel blissfully happy like peaceful almost and THAT is what is disturbing me. Neither of us...are in any position to do what is being asked...well we are but we aren't. Heck we haven't even been on a date or anything and we are JUST FRIENDS.

I am freaking out and my stmach is so butterfly-ie that it is making me sick.

Who Knew?

Life sure is interesting how it works. I got home on Monday and I was all prepared to go and get everything ready for me to move to Rexburg in the Winter when something told me to be patient and hold on it for awhile that I would know when the time was right because I am needed for something down here in Utah. I had no clue what that was about and I mentioned it to a friend and it turns out that that friend has been going through some rough times and they had been praying for help! Heavenly Father sure does work in mysterious yet amazing ways.

On a side note I am quitting my job at Dialogue...I can't work like they want me to so I am trying to find another job or two so I can keep living life...you know with food and that kind of stuff. I have even been contemplating becoming a Plasma Whore...even though I despise needles and pain of any kind. *bleh* But money is money right? Okay so not all money is good....

Anywho just getting ready for the rest of the day because I have got to figure out what I am going to do with myself. At least I will look good doing it!

Oh Idaho (the state)

It is so freezing cold up here and I LOVE it!!! Basically I went out for a walk at 3:30 this morning and I stopped and was just staring at the Temple which is like two feet away which basically is amazingly awesome!!!!!

I am really regretting not moving up here and I am going to change that....and soon. That is all I have for an update for now.

Would You Please?

Could someone possibly just erase my memories for me? I don't know if it is the pain or what, but I can't seem to stop thinking about the past and how I ended up here. I just went and read each and every blog post on this blog and I watched the video I had posted. I went and read my journal and I let my mind wander down avenues I have refused to let it go in years. Of course none of this helps my mood any or even makes me feel better. The pain medicine isn't working too well right now and my elbow and wrist are killing me. I have tried to sleep but I can't comfortably do it....so that leaves my mind to wander free.
I have looked back on my life more in the past few days than I have in years. I have enver felt any need to or want to, but lately I have had this urge to look in the dark shadows of my life and shine light into places where light has never been. I got told today that I was made of pure gold. Golden....the first time I heard that word was when the missionaries where leaving and Joy told them that they struck pure gold. To this day I still don't know if that is really who I am. Truth is I don't know who I am at all...with friends I am this bright vibrant person (apparently) btu most of the time I feel worn down and tired. Everyone sees this young woman full of faith and strong in her opinions. Someone they can trust and count on to be there. I guess that is a part of who I am, but I still don't really know me at all.
Normally I can figure people out really easy, but for some reason I just can't figure myself out. Half the time I don't even know what is going on in my own head!

I wish someone could help find me.

Sprains, Bikers, and Zombies.

So today I fell ( because I am so graceful) and sprained my left wrist and elbow (did I mention I am also talented?) Anyways so I have this unnatural excitement over the fact that I did that. I mean seriously I have never sprained anything and BAM I got two in one shot. That is some serious awesome right there. Sadly though I will still be able to work and take nasty people calls, but at least I am getting paid for it.
Later on (sprains happened early afternoon) Joey and I went to go see Zombieland. On the way there he hit this guy on his bike...joey was looking the other way for cars and the guy started out in front of us. This is my warning to Joey, Hey joey there is a...DID YOU NOT SEE HIM?!" the guy rolled up onto the car...btw he was totally cute. Joey got out and asked if he was okay...yeah he rode off on his bike safe but a little shaken and we continue on to Zombieland.
The movie is a piece of brilliant art...I mean seriously it isn't scary really. I mean I jumped at some parts yes, but for the most part it was sheer comedic bliss. Oh wow you would not believe half the stuff they get away with. Killing zombies while on roller coasters, searching for the last twinkie, shooting Bill Murray in his cameo role, this movie is epic and as soon as that baby hits the shelves I am buying it. I did have issues with the F Bomb being dropped everywhere, but despite that I loved it!

AAAGH

I CAN'T FLIPPING SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I figured I would express my distaste with insomnia for you all to see...

it bites.

Did you know?

I am in the process of writing a book? Yeah I have the main rough outline of it, but I must continue and expand on what I have and I have to continue the story. I am contemplating making the story into a series or just one book. I am thinking maybe just two books at least.

The main concept of the story is about four girls and their adventures in navigating the world of life and love. I have based most of my characters off of myself and my friends....I mean it is loosely based...VERY loosely based and even the events are taken from my own life. I am also working on another story that I started years ago about a girl who was raised by wolves....well that and there is magic and other things. I don't want to give too much away about my stories because there are people out there who would steal them if they were desperate enough to steal my poor writing ideas.

I have to find a reason to work on them agian though. For almost a year now I have not touched either story. It has been as if something inside of me died and I lost the will to continue on with that dream of getting published. I have been told I have a gift for writing and I have always wanted to write a book. It is not hard for me to write...just something cut me off from my writing steam. I am hoping something can help inspire me again. I have the stories inside of me just bursting to come out, but there is no release!

GAH!

GONE GONE GONE

My long luscious locks of pure awesomeness are gone! Apparently they took my "good" looks with them because a few people have commented on how I now look like a boy...*sniff* I did not mean to cut it this short, it was an accident. Most of the length was to my shoulders, but there was a chunk in the back which i had accidently cut really short so to even it all out i had to cut the rest. You could make a nive looking hair piece out of how much hair i cut off. Oh well now I know that next time I will have to be even MORE careful...because yes people I will be cutting my own hair again in the future....just after I have enough hair to even begin thinking about cutting. If I cut any more I really will have no hair to do anything with.

Interesting lesson this has been though. I have always used my hair as a safety net...like it was the one thing about me I really felt i had any control over. Yesterday when it all came off I basically panicked and today I was walking over to Joey's to get my car and I felt like the very trees were laughing at my plight. I have learned not to put too much stock into material things...I generally don't in the first place, but ask anyone who know me well enough and they will let you know how much I loved my long hair. I am not superficial...not at all. I don't even wear makeup or dress "pretty"...I just was really attached to my hair.

Sad day. At least we know it will grow back...eventually.

I Feel Invisible

I didn't notice really until I started to reflect upon my current home life. When in ward activities or anywhere at the apartment I have noticed I am there, but I feel like a ghost. People can see me but interactions are not there. I know that this is probably some figment of my imagination, but really I feel like I am missing something in my life. I crave being around friends and people. I mean I LOVE going to work even though I have to deal with stupid phone calls, but I go because there are people there who understand what I am going through at work.
I have three other roommates and I have yet to really connect with any of them. They are all great girls but we all just....well we live our seperate lives while living in the same place. Like different being from different worlds sharing a place where our worlds collide on some plane that we just have yet to notice. It is hard to see the other apartments where they are always laughing and having fun and making meals together or going and doing thins together and than there is our apartment...we have never not once done a single thing together. Oh yes we may happen to be in a room at the same time, but that doesn't mean we are doing anything together. The other night I helped one of my roommates when she was sick and puking her guts out all over the place and when I went to bed that night after making sure she was taken care of I realized that when I had been ill for two weeks not to long ago not once did they offer to help me. They would ask if I was okay, but nothing else. I try to invite them to do things but they always have some other excuse not to go. They really are great girls, I just feel invisible at home.

Also what is with everyone getting married or getting pregnant??? I mean seriously am I the only one who is not currently on the pursuit of a different avenue? Okay I know I am not the only one, but am I the only one who wishes she was caught up in some romance of sorts instead of merely trudging through life planning alternative actions because she knows romance is not something that is going to be coming to her anytime soon?

A whole lot less of me

I am starting a diet...before you say anything to the tune of "but you don't need to" listen up! I do need to lose weight. The doctor and I got to talking and we think that if I lose some weight I could end up not having to be on medication for depression for the rest of my life. Now let me tell you that a life without having to daily take pills is something that I am willing to try anything for. So this next week I will be starting my journey of weight loss on a strict diet and taking drops 6 times a day that help with my metabolism as well as some other complicated things that are hard to describe. It is anticipated that I will be losing possibly more than 20 pounds which will be amazing since I haven't been that weight since forever.
I am looking forward to it and have been given the okay to go ahead with the diet. If any of you happen to be around me during said diet I will apologize ahead of time if I am crabby....I am denying myself all that I love in food for close to two months so please understand that I will of course look upon you with bitterness and resentment if you offer anything that is on the "blacklist".
Wish me luck!

Twenty Years of Pure Awesome

That is right people I am officially twenty years and one week old. I have graced this Earth for this long and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely a whole lot! I have a wonderful family and amazingly true friends! I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and am living here in this beautiful (yet currently FREEZING) state of Utah. I have a job, a high school degree, and many skills and talents which I have been able to hone over the years. One might look back on my relatively short life and claim that most of it has been...well to put it simply...one giant trip down the crapper, but to tell you the truth I wouldn't have it any other way!!!!!

Here are some goals I have set for the next year of my life:
1. Begin my studying of the fine art of Photography.
2. Save enough money to be able to serve a mission if I am in fact going to serve one.
3. Visit my sister in France.
4. Watch the sun rise and set in one sitting.
5. Fulfill all my callings and magnify them to the fullest.
6. Date more.
7. Bear my testimony EVERY chance I get.
8. Attend Institute classes faithfully.
9. Get a new car/ sell my current one.
10. Bring joy to those I come into contact with.

I have many more personal ones but those are my main ones that I hope to accomplish. I am really seriously working towards going on a mission and I know that is something I should be doing. I know there is a chance that some charming RM will come and sweep my off my feet and carrying off into eternity, BUT since the chances of that happening are relatively slim even though I am in Provo (the breeding grounds of the church) I am looking forward to when I can turn in my mission papers...which would be June 30, 2010 since apparently I can turn them in three months ahead of my 21st birthday. I doubt I would be ready to turn them in then but I know if I prepare myself that things will fall in place.

Welcome to the new roomie!

Well the fourth of us has finally move in which means I don't get the bathroom to myself anymore, but that also means I am not the only one who has to clean it either! See there is an up to every down. Actually I don't mind sharing it with my new roommate. She is an awesome girl as far as I can tell and we get along fairly easily and I think I could honestly become friends with her which is saying a lot for me.
Cleaning checks were today and sadly we did not pass all of them....ugh one bathroom (NOT mine) failed and no one cleaned the microwave or the stove so I gotta clean that before friday comes around. Other than that we passed everything else so YAY!!! I went to Wal Mart today with Roy to get cleaning supplies and what not and we randomly ran into Dennis! How fun is that?! I am trying to get Dennis to do Institute Choir with Joey and I in the afternoons instead of at night because we are cool like that. OH! I finally got some picture frames for that stuff I got from Deseret Book and hung them up on the walls...finally the apartment looks like people actually live in it AND it smells really pretty thanks to MOI buying scenty stuff.
Work is going good...well actually I got called f-ing worthless on saturday and this guy threatened to call the cops but besides that it couldn't be better! Colton started working today and one of my FHE sons (I AM FHE MOMMY!!!) is applying to work there! For serious that would be cool if he worked there. I honestly couldn't ask for a better FHE family....they are all so amazing and funny.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy though...I know I am faulted but I am trying to overcome those faults and live a productive life. I am so gratefull for all I have been given and I can't wait to start school in the Winter. I really miss being in classes. I am glad to be going to Institue classes though. At least I can learn and spiritually grow at the same time!

What a Fool I am!

I had the chance to possibly find myself with a guy in the army and I didn't have the cajones to go up to him and give him my number even though I am pretty sure there was something there between us. I mean something told me to talk to him and I practically wanted to jump out of the car and give him my number which is very uncharacteristic for me. Oh my fetch what if I met one of the guys I could spend forever with and I let him walk out of my life just because I am too self conscience!!!!! Crap on a stick this is ridiculous!

I went to Panda Express with the FHE Hermanas and as we were leaving I spotted said cutie sitting and eating alone in his U.S. Army Uniform and oddly enough I randomly started talking to him asking him what branch of the military he was in and I was telling him about my friends who are in the military...he seemed surprised and happy that I was talking to him and I wanted so much to sit down and chat with him longer but the girls were already outside and in the car so I very ungracefully had to take my leave of him and I almost fainted when I saw him watching me leave through the window of Pande Express (I left through the door he watched through the window). He actually was leaving at the same time it turns out and I was almost wanting to cry when he got too far to randomly stop him and give him my number and my name. A NAME! I didn't even ask him for his name! Barnacles!!!!!!

What I fool I am! That fireside tonight about dating and sending out radar pings taught me NOTHING!!!! Well it did teach me but that doesn't mean I retained any of it....ugh I hate my life sometimes.

Ode to Purrle...

Oh precious ball of black fluff and claws how you are missed! You went one day outside to play but never returned again. For six years we fed and housed you making wide berth around you when you were in one of your moods. You cat were more than just a cat...you were a way of life an independent creature unafraid to tease dogs or wander from home. Many small creatures fell prey to your superior hunting skills and the other cats in the home always learned a lesson from you when they dared to try and challenge your authority. You nuzzler of ears and cuddler of the night! How your sweet purrs would wake me from my slumber when somehow you managed to stay in my room unnoticed before bed. I can still feel your paws wrapped around my neeck as you tried to get in closer to my ear. How you enjoyed attacking my feet whenever they would move under the blankets! Getting to pet you was a privilege and for all intensive purposes you owned us, not the other way around. You were a proud and fierce cat with a surprising yet rare sweet side....generally when no one else was looking. Purrle I remember the day we got you. Your eyes were blue and you had the most pitiful littel cry ever. As you grew you endured many things like when Erica dressed you up as a jedi and surprisingly that doll robe fit you well! You traveled with us to Moapa and you settled in quite nicely there. I am sad that you are gone, but you are not forgotten! I love and miss you Purrle!

*We had Purrle from 2006-2009. I know I sound like a crazy cat lady but when you ahve had an animal that you have genuinely cared about it is a sad thing to lose them...especially when they just disappear and most likely was eaten by coyotes.*

I submit...

I am a lazy bum and I refuse to delete all previous posts about Colton and myself. Simply ignore them because I know I do! I don't bear any ill will towards Colton and in fact I do value our friendship.

Like I said I simply am just too lazy to delete anything...

The Perfect Guy

I need a guy who actually WANTS to be with me and actually LOVES me...not just thinks he does but actually does in fact think the sun shines out of my rear. I know I am not perfect but honestly what are the chances that I would end up with guys who either just magically overnight fall out of love with me or they just aren't in a place in their life where they are capable of feeling anything for anyone but themselves?! For once I want someone to fight for me instead of me fighting for some guy who won't give me the time of day. I see all these girls with guys and I can't help but think that they must of had some Divine Intervention with that because honestly how does someone meet the person they are going to spend eternity with in such a short amount of time whilst I am sitting here perfectly capable of having a decently wonderful relationship with no guys even glancing at me.
That is another thing! What is with these guys always chasing the skinnier ditzy girls who don't even really care about them? And than they go complaining to girls like me who are always there to talk to and are in fact better for them than those skanks who think all guys are their playthings? Now sorry to any of you who have been offended by this...especially if you yourself are one of those said skanks, but really can't you give us other girls a chance? Stop toying with guys and screwing your fellow sisters over! I just for once want a guy to overlook some drop dead gorgeous girl and look at me and realize what he has been missing his entire life....okay so maybe not that dramatic but hey a girl can dream!
I know I am not anyone special or significant enough to really have an opinion that matters but honestly I just don't care anymore. I want my voice heard and so help me it will be! I am sick and tired of people's messed up opinions on what makes a woman or what we should look like. I spent most of my life feeling awkward and ugly because of what people have told me, but this has got to stop! EVERY woman, girl, young adult female, whoever is beautiful in their own way, shape, and form. Anyone who would tell us otherwise could suck my big toe for all I care. Who asked them anyways?

Work Work Work

Got the job at Dialogue and I enjoy it actually. Colton and I got in a fight this week but we made up...he realized he has been acting like a creep ever since he got home.
I am really tired right now so yeah I will write more tomorrow when i am not dead to the world hahaha I promise.

My Apologies

Wow talk about not writing for awhile...it's been what? Like almost two months? SHEESH you people have probably just been DYING to know what is going on in my life...okay maybe not but here let me fill you in.

Colton and I tried things out and it didn't work so we went back to being really weird friends and I moved up to Provo to start my new life away from any safety net and I am currently preparing to serve a mission (which wouldn't be til next year), despite the doubts some people have about me being single that long because let's face it...I moved to the LDS breeding grounds without a significant other already. To put it lightly I am doomed. But than again most people underestimate my ability to get the things I really want so I may end up on a mission afterall!

Tomorrow I have a job interview for Dialogue Marketing which means if I get the job I will be working with Jenny, Joey, and Rob!! WOOT WOOT! hahaha talk about EPIC! Anyways life in Provo is going really well and I am excited.

I Wonder....

Wow people sorry it has been a week since I last updated this! I have been so busy!!!!!! My car broke down and what not and then I have been going out and stuff with Katrina and Rachelle. We went to a dance on friday and the beach on saturday....it was pretty amazing really and I had a ton of fun hanging out with the ward. We totally pranked this one house right...thinking it was Jacob's house but it ended up being someone we don't even know! Epic? Yeah we know!

Well Colton and I are going to have our first date and than make things a little more official....right now we are just a little hanging out in a limbo of sorts. Today he was on the phone with me and his younger siblings were cat calling me and teasing him. Maddy saked him if he was going to date me and he was like "Yes" and than she was like "Are you going to marry her?" We both started laughing at that because it seems like EVERYONE keeps asking him that and we haven't even started dating yet! Schmexy I know...so yeah that is basically it haha.

He is hoping to be moved to Provo by next week and he is definitely getting his own phone next week and he is already planning on calling me all the time...I told him to get unlimited texting as well. It will be good if he gets verizon because we will have free mobile to mobile and that means we can talk for as long as we want whenever we want!!!!

I wonder what is going to happen now....

Late Night (erhm Early Morning) Confessions

I ate the last of the peanut butter sauce with the last of the Vanilla ice cream and I don't care who knows it! My leg is still hurting me and I am glad to be going to the Doctor tomorrow but not really because I hate going to the doctor and I don't want to get the okay to take my PE classes...why oh why did I sign up for TWO of them and one of them a long distance running class? I mean seriously what was I thinking???????
Colton and I talked a bit today and I am SUPER excited for our date coming up...I think I am going to be out there this coming weekend so maybe we will have it then which will be exciting hahaha but considering that neither of us have a car I am thinking that we have just hit a little snag in our plans...hmmm....we will figure this out somehow. I am looking forward to seeing how things progress and what directions we take. I can't explain it but really when I talk to him it isn't awkward or anything. It is more like I have found the one person I don't ahve to be shy around and I love how he gets me better than anyone else ever has. My sister on her blog thinks we are weird for not really being all...lovey dovey...right away, but he needed (and still needs) time to adjust to being home. I don't want to rush him or anything.
For FHE it is a pool party thing at Jason's house...i am excited about going but than again i am like...eh that requires a bathing suit which in turn requires a bathing suit body....I have only one of those and it isn't the body! Oh well I told him I would go so yeah I am definitely going to go. Wouldn't want to upset the fans...BAHAHAHA I miss Katrina and Amy and basically everyone! I hope I can get a ride tomorrow!!!!!! I need to see those peoples something awful!!!